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Annie's Mailbox, October 29
Dear Annie: An acquaintance recently lost his job, and we invited him and his wife to move into our home on a temporary basis. We all agreed they would live with us until one of them found another professional position.
It's been only three months, but it's already uncomfortable. "Sue and Bob" do small household chores and pay a minimal amount in rent, but that doesn't counteract the interruption they have added to our daily lives. They have taken over the fridge, the cabinets, the laundry room, the living space and the kitchen. We have no private time anymore and cannot trust them to lock doors or turn off the dryer or coffee maker when they leave the house. They parade around the house semi-nude, make a lot of noise when we're sleeping and talk while we are reading or watching TV.
We have discussed these issues and others as they have come up, but it hasn't helped. We've asked them to keep out of our bedrooms and home office, but the other day I found both of them coming out of the office. We do not want to put locks all over. We want to trust them, but it seems unlikely. They have made comments about our bills, which indicates they have looked at our private mail.
They are supposedly applying for jobs, but so far haven't found anything that pays what they feel they deserve. We worry we'll be stuck with them forever. They have severance pay, unemployment and money from family members. They spend it on manicures, personal trainers and new electronics. Here's the kicker: They are actively seeking a divorce.
How do we tell them they have overstayed their welcome? — Bad Roomies
Dear Roomies: You need to set a deadline and stick to it. Tell Sue and Bob that you hadn't anticipated the job search would take so long and you can no longer accommodate them. Give them one month to find other arrangements. Bring home boxes so they can pack (and help them along). At the end of the deadline, if they make no attempt to leave, tell them you will put their belongings on the front steps. Then change your locks.
Dear Annie: My husband and son have chronic lung problems. Our son has asthma, and my husband's lung health has gotten worse over the years. We have never been smokers, but we have tolerated our relatives who are. Lately, however, family gatherings are proving difficult. Exposure to cigarette smoke can cause my husband to have a setback and my son's asthma to flare up.
I have mentioned that their smoking causes problems, but they don't seem to pay attention. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. If I were a smoker, I would feel terrible if I thought I caused someone else to have health problems, but they don't seem to feel the same. Yet they would be upset if we didn't attend these functions. Any suggestions? — Smoked Out
Dear Smoked Out: Your husband and son should not be subjected to cigarette smoke, period. Tell the relatives you love them and would enjoy spending time with them, but your family's health comes first. Ask if they would please smoke outside. Otherwise, sorry, but you won't be able to come.
Dear Annie: Hurray for "Put Some Clothes On," the man who objected to the trend of women wearing "tight clothing, push-up bras and plunging necklines."
I teach at a community college and am routinely barraged by students with practically half their breasts "looking" back at me. It distracts me from the subject matter, and I'm a happily married female! I can't imagine what it must be like for my male colleagues, let alone other students trying to get an education.
I'm no prude. Some of these styles might be nice in another setting. I wish I could tell my students to button up, but I'd probably be sued. — Cover Up and Learn
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS.COM
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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LW#1: The ladies' advice is sound, however, they did not go far enough. There is a possibility, depending on where they live, that they will need to go through an eviction proceeding. They are accepting rent from these people, so it is a tenant/landlord relationship. Even parents who accept rent from their grown children must go through an eviction proceeding if the child refuses to leave. Extreme? yes, but in some cases it is necessary. Definitely change the locks after they leave. They've proven they cannot be trusted, and I would certainly IMMEDIATELY put a deadbolt on the home office where all sorts of personal financial information is located. If not done already, put a password on your computer as well so it cannot be used. I'd also take the action of putting a deadbolt on my bedroom. Locks don't cost that much. Who needs "guests" who don't respect your privacy?
LW#2: I likewise have lung issues. I've never smoked, but throughout the years have been subjected to 2nd hand smoke and at work 15 years ago to the retarring of the office building roof, with the tar being located next to the air conditioner's air intake. It sent me to the hospital, and that was the turning point. I can no longer tolerate being around cig smoke, petrol products, and have also found that fragrances are a huge issue. Everyone knows it and if I show up at a family for friend function and someone is overly perfumed, I smile, greet everyone as quickly as I can and then simply leave. Shame on them for not showing the decency to allow you fresh air. I got so I don't worry about their feelings any more. It's obvious they're not concerned about mine. I still have plenty of friends and some of the offending relatives have learned to leave it off.
Bottom line on both situations is this: Figure out what you're willing to put up with, and realize that others will trample on you only if you let them. You can be friendly, smile and speak in a civil tone, but be firm and direct in spelling out your position.
Comment: #1
Posted by: JustMe
Thu Oct 29, 2009 3:50 AM
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Anyone naive enough to invite "acquaintances" to live with them "until they find profesional employment" might as well wear a t-shirt with a bulls-eye on it. What were they thinking??? This is not a landlord/tenant arrangement as there is no lease! Just because the loafers hand them a little money to "help out" doesn't make them renters.
If these people can find their backbones, they should give the couple a week and not a day more.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Thu Oct 29, 2009 4:17 AM
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Whoa. So these people go into their office and snoop through their mail - even though they have been specifically asked not to be in there. Sorry, but if the letter writer can't trust her guests, she shouldn't be waiting thirty days to get things rolling. She needs to see a lawyer now about the best way to get these people out. Then she and her husband need to check their credit to make sure they haven't been the victims of identity theft. These people may have been friends, but that is fishy and I'd be wondering why they were so interested in sneaking in to look at bills.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Datura
Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:19 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence: Sorry, but in many if not most places in the states now you must give thirty days notice (usually in WRITING) to legally evict someone. It doesn't matter whether there is a lease/rental agreement and in some places it doesn't even matter whether they've been paying rent or not. If you give them house keys and they're in residence for more than a certain number of days, you need to use legal means to put them out if they don't go willingly.
They should either have a letter delivered to them that they have to sign for or give them written notice in front of witnesses who are willing to either testify (should it come to that) or at least sign a notarized statement that they saw the notice received by the tenants.
Of course, it's possible that these people are in an area where they can legally just pack them up and put them out, but better safe than in court.
Comment: #4
Posted by: moon
Thu Oct 29, 2009 7:42 AM
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I agree that trends getting lax in what clothes are acceptable where, and it makes it much harder for young-not-teenaged women (heck, teenagers too) to find clothes that are age and situation appropriate and not too revealing. I do ask, however, that the older generation cut us some slack. As a pretty busty lady (a full D), I often don't realize that I've fluctuated a few pounds and my clothes show off a little more than they used to even a few weeks before. Luckily I have a caring husband who has learned to gently let me know if I'm hanging out too far, but not every girl has someone willing to do that. Not every female who's looking a little top heavy or whose jeans are too tight is looking to advertise the goods, she may just not know yet that she doesn't look the same in that outfit as she did this time last year.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Nichole
Thu Oct 29, 2009 11:16 AM
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Last letter - I am a middle-aged, conservatively and plainly dressing (think LLBean) college instructor. A lot of my students dress revealingly, but I never found it distracting or even bothersome. They are 18 - 22 years old, for goodness sake! I dressed revealingly at their age too. Just don't look at their low cut shirts. If you had a noticeably well-endowed male student in your office, you wouldn't stare at his crotch, so don't stare at a noticeably well-endowed female students' breasts. When I talk to students, I look them in the face, and what I see looking back at me is there eyes.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Oct 29, 2009 12:37 PM
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Your response to 'Bad Roomies' could get the writer into legal trouble. Depending on where they live, as long as the 'Bad Roomies' are paying rent, they cannot just be put out with their belongings. A legal eviction is necessary.
Comment: #7
Posted by: MJ
Thu Oct 29, 2009 3:20 PM
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To the college instructor, Ariana, if you are a college instructor, how come you can't spell. It is their eyes, not there eyes.
Comment: #8
Posted by:
Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:18 PM
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I would definitely consult a lawyer before throwing out these "guests." However, before taking even that step, I'd explain the situation to them - calmly, rationally, matter-of-factly, taking care to mention that the homeowner tried to help out, but the situation was never intended to be permanent and has simply become too stressful. I would also tick-off several bullet-points where the guests violated the "rules." I'd also try to appeal to the guests' sense of privacy - I doubt they have much, either - asking, "Wouldn't you like your OWN space?" To be blunt, though, these people sound like freeloaders. I could never act as they do while a guest in someone's home, especially knowing I was there because of "charity" rather than merely a social visit. As to the low-cut women, I am disgusted to hear, as usual, that so many females don't seem to understand or appreciate how difficult it is for men to "just not look." If only it were that simple. In the eyes of some, apparently young women should be permitted to parade around campus in whatever skimpy clothing they find fashionable - and the men are not allowed to notice. Okay. To tell you the truth, this is something I've never understood - young women spend thousands of dollars on hair and skin treatments, cosmetics, hair-care products, jewelry, shoes, and the right clothes. Then when a man actually notices, they go bananas. It was refreshing to hear the original complaint voiced by a female college professor who was actually sympathetic to what this must be like for the guys. It is a shame that more women do not think like she does. (Anyone wishing to take me to task for airing these views - don't bother.)
Comment: #9
Posted by: Matt
Thu Oct 29, 2009 6:36 PM
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Carol Ann, before you go criticizing other people's spelling, perhaps you should learn to punctuate. I would guess that Ariana, as a college instructor, is extremely busy and doesn't have time to proofread every tiny little thing she writes.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Van Wickle
Thu Oct 29, 2009 9:52 PM
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Re: Carol Ann___ Thanks for pointing this out. Mea culpa. I don't proofread on a comment site on the web.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Oct 30, 2009 10:39 AM
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