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Annie's Mailbox, October 19
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been together for 23 years. I love him more than life itself, and he says the same. We have two boys, 19 and 20.
Here is my problem. "Don" is a self-employed contractor, and last year, he did a job for a woman and they became friends. I told him I was not comfortable with this friendship. A year ago, I caught him sending her a very personal e-mail. I was so hurt I tried to kill myself, but he stopped me and promised he would not talk to her again. But he did it again in May. He lies to me all the time about her. He keeps promising to stop, but I just found out he is still calling her and has gone to her house twice to do small jobs.
I am so hurt. Don insists there's no affair, but the only way I can believe him is if he swears to God he hasn't kissed her, and he won't. This is consuming my entire life. I am afraid to go to work, the store or anyplace without Don, because I worry he's going to call her in my absence.
I want her out of our lives. I cannot live without Don. I am so consumed with grief that I have started to write letters to my boys explaining why I feel suicide is best. Annie, please tell me how to make my husband understand this is literally killing me. — Hurting in Troy, Mich.
Dear Troy: Your letter is a cry for help. We hope you can find the strength to get through this for your sons' sake if not your own. They will never recover if you succeed in killing yourself. Please get into counseling immediately, with or without Don. Ask your doctor or clergyperson to refer you. A counselor will not only help you deal with your husband, but also with your fears. Suicide is not the way to resolve this. You deserve better.
Dear Annie: I have never been married, but would love to be. I have been with my boyfriend for nine years, and we have two children. We live together, share finances, bills, everything.
We separated for nearly a year because he refused to marry me. When we got back together, he told me to give him time and maybe he'd come around. I do love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. He says it's just a piece of paper, but it is important to me to have that legal title. He knew this from the beginning.
He says he wants to be with me forever, so why won't he make it legal? Is it me? Should I give up? — Not Marriage Material
Dear Marriage: We don't know why your boyfriend refuses to marry you after all this time, but some men find marriage too ideologically confining. Unless you are willing to leave him, the situation is not likely to change. However, in some states, living together for nine years would constitute a common-law marriage with certain legal protections. You should check into it.
Dear Annie: "Desperate in Pennsylvania" asked about a clicking noise when she swallows. If the sound is originating from the neck, this could represent contact between her thyroid cartilage and hyoid bone, or between her hyoid bone and styloid process. If the sound is originating in her ear, it could be coming from the cartilage portion of the eustachian tube when the attached muscles contract during swallowing.
She should be able to have the source diagnosed by an otolaryngologist (ear, nose and throat specialist). — Douglas Hetzler, M.D., FACS, Department of Otolaryngology, Palo Alto Medical Foundation, Santa Cruz, Calif.
Dear Dr. Hetzler: Thank you. Some of our readers have complained that we are printing too much on this subject, so they'll be happy to know this is the last one. We appreciate all the expert opinions and hope they prove helpful.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS.COM
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14 Comments | Post Comment
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I feel sorry for LW1, but she's crazy. "Don" won't cure her--she needs help. Nobody is worth committing suicide over, and I can't believe she thinks anything she writes will justify it to her sons. Her jealousy and obsessive behavior, no matter how justified she may be, is only going to drive her husband away. He sounds like a jerk, and he may already have one foot out the door. I don't believe this is the first time, in 23 years, that she's behaved this way.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sun Oct 18, 2009 9:31 PM
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I realize LW1 is in a lot of pain, but she sure sounds like a drama queen. "Love him more than life itself" "tried to kill myself but he stopped me." Somehow, I knew she "tried" to kill herself in front of him so he'd react. The sad fact is, nothing she does is going to stop him from e-mailing or even seeing this woman if he's determined to do it. And if she really does commit suicide, that just gives him the green light. Counseling won't help unless he wants the marriage to survive. Doesn't sound like it. Very sad.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Mon Oct 19, 2009 4:09 AM
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It never ceases to amaze me that women complain their boyfriends will not marry them. After being together for 9 years, living together and having 2 children why would you think he'd marry you? For those that feel marriage is important and something they definately want to do then DO NOT live together and have children.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Cathy
Mon Oct 19, 2009 5:24 AM
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Re: Cathy. Maybe the guy who won't marry already has a wife stashed away somewhere.
Comment: #4
Posted by: sarah
Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:33 AM
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My heart goes out to Hurting in troy, this women built a life with this man for 23yrs, she is heartbroken and deep down knows the truth. I too was married to my husband for 23yrs, he started having lunch with a married female cop and they had a full blown affair for one year before i searched phone records and was able to also retrieve all the rauncy emails. She is 16 yrs his junior and she went through her second divorce, and he divorced me, they are together today. He looked me in the eyes during the affair and lied, lied, I also called her phone number and she made up a fake story that she worked for a company that he worked with and she didnt know him personally. She is a cop and i have no respect for her. Please Troy get counseling, your children need you. Your husband is having an affair, just remember nothing that starts out with lies and deception will be long term. How dare these women knock on our doors after we have built a life for 23yrs. Good Luck Troy, you will get through this. I have been divorced a yr now and my two kids and I are doing great.
Comment: #5
Posted by: june
Mon Oct 19, 2009 6:59 AM
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Re: Cathy--When a woman moves in with a guy with the expectation of marriage--"he knew this from the beginning"--she made her first mistake. The second was to live with him after that. Then to have children, still asking for the ceremony. What she needs to do is to sit down with a lawyer and have paperwork done to give her access to his hospital room and decision making if he falls ill--after all, she isn't related--a will to outline what should happen if he should die, her name on all big possessions--house, cars. Everything that anyone who is married needs to do plus that little bit extra to give her any rights automatically given to a wife. Then she should stop complaining and live with it. This is not the time to put her foot down or leave because he won't go through the ceremony. I found a website that outlined the requirements of common law marriage in various states and only 12 were mentioned. Some people feel this planning is creepy. You should have seen the chaos when my father died without a will and he and my mom were legally married.
Comment: #6
Posted by: BB
Mon Oct 19, 2009 7:08 AM
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Unfortunately, living together does not automatically common-law marriage make, even in the states that recognize it. In order for it to be valid, the couple must also demonstrate INTENT to marry, as well as hold themselves out as husband and wife even if the ceremony has not been performed...which means using the same last name, calling each other husband and wife, and filing joint tax returns. If they don't do this, common-law won't be recognized and the woman is SOL.
And correct if the boyfriend falls ill...the girlfriend is not going to have any recourse, the place they live in, as well as all the boyfriend's possessions, will legally go to his next of kin and not her. Plus it won't be her that will be able to make the medical decisions for him.
The girlfriend needs to explain to the boyfriend the legal and practical aspects of getting married...there are over 1000 different rights granted to a spouse that a live-in doesn't have. It's not "just a piece of paper." You could make the same argument for a driver's license as "just a card with a picture", but god forbid you get caught driving without one, no matter how expert a driver you might be.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Paul W
Mon Oct 19, 2009 8:34 AM
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LW1-I'm sorry for your situation, but lady you need to grow a pair. Woman up!! This clown is cheating on you, period. Go see a lawyer and dump his sorry yass. And yes, you can live without him. You need to learn how to fall out of love with him, or the illusion of what you thought you had with him. That's all it has been. He is a liar and a cheat and doesn't respect you. Respect yourself. DTMFA!!
LW2-Don't bother getting married. Marriage changes everything. If you're happy now, let sleeping dogs lie. Marriage is like a prison -- and I don't know why this is but as soon as you say the "i do's" the chains come out. See a lawyer, get your affairs in order and just let it be.
Comment: #8
Posted by: osoozzq
Mon Oct 19, 2009 10:03 AM
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I really feel sorry for LW1. The man is cheating on you, plain and simple. Before you divorce him, tho, please get mental health help. Your depression is a sign of something wrong. Get well with counseling and meds, and a good job, and a support system going. Keep track of everything, such as money, etc, then divorce him and get alimony. You will feel a lot better. Please don't do anything rash. Get over the love you think you have for him. Love yourself. I feel for you and will say a prayer for you.
Comment: #9
Posted by:
Mon Oct 19, 2009 10:39 AM
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The lady that wrote in about husband Don the contractor it sounds like he is cheatting i was married 17 years and i was at the point you ae now im really sorry for your pain but theres life beyond him im now engaged to a great man. I know its not easy but you can go on without him and your sons might not accept it at first but they will eventually come around to the idea that mom needs to be happy and if that means without there dad then so be it. Iread your story and it was mine a couple years back so you be strong and go on and your children are your number1 not don keep that in mind and stay strong.
Comment: #10
Posted by: candace
Mon Oct 19, 2009 1:17 PM
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Re: Paul W --- I agree. There was a case in the Southern tier of NYS some years ago. A state police officer was killed in the line of duty; so the situation had a lot of press coverage. The man had been living with a woman for some years but never legally married her. She put in a claim on his estate (house, etc.) and claimed they had a common law marriage. NYS does not recognize common law marriage. I can't recall all the details, but it went to court because the man's parents fought her claim. A lot of people felt sorry for her, but then it came out that she had children from previous relationships and didn't have custody of them. The whole thing started to look more like a "shacking up" thing than a committed relationship. I can't recall the details of the outcome. Either there was an out of court settlement in which she got a very small portion of what she'd wanted or she lost the court case. All I know for sure is that her so-called rights were not protected and she didn't get what a legally married wife would have gotten.
I feel certain the bf here is well aware of what he's denying the lw. He doesn't WANT the hassels of being responsible. He wants the freedom to walk without the legal issues if the mood strikes him. He says he loves her, but actions speak louder than words.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Mon Oct 19, 2009 9:10 PM
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I feel sorry for the CHILDREN described by LW1. They're the real victims here. Their father is a philander and the mother is an obsessive-compulsive, suicidally-depressed, co-dependent martyr. I don't know how in the world they're going to grow up healthy, without a truckload of "issues" related to sex, relationships, parenting, and everything else. Frankly someone else ( a relative, CPS, whomever) needs to step in and get them out of that house until their parents get their heads screwed-on straight. Neither is fit to be a parent right now.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Matt
Tue Oct 20, 2009 9:29 PM
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This is to Stressed out in Wisconsin. Your situation sounds much like mine and all I can say to you is that she HAS and IS being unfaithful. My husband of 20 years has been unfaithful for at least four or five years with the same woman who claimed to be my friend. I then was uneasy with her and let my husband know of my feelings and he reassured me as she did too that there was nothing going on. These people do become good liars. You have gone above and beyond going the extra mile confronting the problem and going to counseling. And all I can say is if you think she is worth it, keep working at it. But so often, it is pointless especially if your wife refuses to see this as a problem and continues to denie what she has obviously done. I still love my husband (this all came out for me six months ago) and would still accept him back but he is now engaged in a full-blown affair with this woman and has moved out. If there weren't any children involved in my situation, I don't think this would be as painful. To top it off my husband has a high profile job and I really can't talk to any friends about "all" the problems I am encountering even with family. You sound like a wonderful man and it sounds as if your wife doesn't know how good she has it. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide. Hurt and angry yet in NC
Comment: #13
Posted by: Anita Kessler
Wed Oct 21, 2009 2:01 PM
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LW1 your husband is probably only staying with you because he doesn't want you to off yourself. Does that make you feel good? You need mental help, You're worth more and don't need to be dependent on a man to breathe. (FYI: This is probably part of why he started cheating on you. Yes, cheating is bad, but it also gets exhausting being someone's ENTIRE WORLD and not being with a PARTNER. Just as women don't want to be a man's mommy, men do NOT want to be your Daddy either). Go put yourself back together. Then figure out what you want. It may have nothing to do with him, or it may mean you both admit your parts in your deteriorated relationship and rebuild.
LW2 I used to always say if a man wants to marry you, he will let you know, and that if he hasn't asked within three years, he isn't going to. But I do have one friend who married after 25 years of living together. However, they also had a child brutally raped and murdered which led to this. Your case is not likely to end in a wedding or marriage. I had a similar situation with my husband where he knew having children within a certain time frame was crucial to me. My deadline passed. I gave another year. At that point I decided he wasn't serious about having children and left. He was gobsmacked that YES I was THAT SERIOUS and really hadn't understood how important it was to me that yes, we have children during a specified time frame (I was in my mid 30s, my request was not unreasonable). Some ask if I feel comfortable knowing I sort of "forced my way" on him. Um, he was forcing his way on ME by refusing prior. FTR he is happy we had children when we did and wishes we'd started earlier. He just sincerely did not realize how big a deal it was to me until I LEFT. And I was very serious and firm about it. However, the flip side was I had to accept this really was the end. I had no guarantee he'd come around. And neither do you wrt your husband.
Comment: #14
Posted by: wkh
Thu Jun 2, 2011 9:31 AM
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