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Lopsided Open Marriage
Dear Annie: My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years and recently decided to try an open-marriage lifestyle. We are doing this with full honesty and respect for each other.
The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I found it easier to get a date. Whereas, my husband is having a tremendous degree of difficulty. He has online dating profiles, but no luck. I am seeing someone who is a wonderful person, but I want my husband to experience new things along with me.
Open marriage is still considered taboo, and it is extremely important to my husband and me that we are honest about our marital status with any prospective date. Even though he is happy for me, I feel compelled to help him. But I'm not sure how to do it without overstepping unspoken boundaries. — Open but Lost
Dear Open: Are you sure your husband wants this as much as you do? He may have agreed to the arrangement only to please you. We think you need to have this discussion again and let your commitment to honesty lead the way. Ask your husband whether he is truly happy with the idea of an open marriage and, if so, what you can do to make things easier for him. Marriage, "open" or otherwise, requires the ability to communicate.
Dear Annie: Would you please address the distinction between "dinner" and "supper"? I've heard many people refer to the evening meal as dinner, but the definition of an evening meal is supper. I even heard a prominent newscaster refer to the president as sitting down with a guest at the White House for "dinner" tonight, but if they are sitting down at night, it is clearly supper. — Stickler in the South
Dear Stickler: In most parts of the U.S. and Canada, these words are used interchangeably. However, there are regional distinctions, which might explain why this bothers you so much.
According to most definitions, "dinner" refers to the main meal of the day. Back in the Middle Ages, people often ate the main meal at lunchtime. Now we tend to eat it much later, but it is still called "dinner" regardless of the time. "Supper" refers to a lighter meal taken later in the evening and is often used interchangeably with "tea." The word "dinner" also is used when referring to a formal meal or banquet (hence the president's dinners), and "supper" is always a less formal affair. We hope that answers your question. Thanks for the change of pace.
Dear Annie: In response to "Wife of the Plumber," I have only one thing to say: Get out while the gettin' is good!
Her husband is a total narcissist, and nothing is going to change him. Narcissists are superb at conning people, especially those who love them. We are the ones they treat the worst, because we have that unrealistic hope that given time things will improve.
After almost half a century, I can attest to the fact that no matter how many chances you give, no matter how many promises they make and no matter how much you love them or how hard you work, it will never change. They see nothing wrong with themselves. It is always the other person's fault. They will not seek help.
I urge her not to throw her life away on someone who will never be there for her. I hoped too much and loved too strongly, and although still legally married, I have finally reached the point of emotionally withdrawing from my self-made prison. If leaving is not feasible, she needs to protect herself and her children from the extreme damage that is done by living with this type of person. And get counseling. — Been There, Done That and Escaped
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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Comments
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13 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 -
Did I write that letter?? It is true, it's a lot easier for a woman to find a guy. I could find ten guys tomorrow and I'm no Bettie Page; my husband, on the other hand, has had to work a lot harder. There's not that much you can do about it if he's making a decent effort to meet someone, looks decent, etc, other than time your rendezvous together. As in, you ony get to go out on a date if he does, too. It's not as taboo as you think it is, by the way. When my husband and I decided to do this, I told pretty much everyone because I have a big mouth and very few batted an eye. A close friend said she was momentarily concerned that I was having problems in my marriage, but once she realized that that wasn't the case, she was fine with it.
Another thought would be for you to try swinging or key parties. They aren't my jam, but you're both pretty much guaranteed to get laid. You could also try bringing a third person into your bedroom which, while not the same thing, is similarly fun.
Good luck!
LW2 -
Omg. Really? Look, you have to accept that language changes and evolves and is different regionally. I once had someone chastise me for using the word "dessert" to mean cake or pie or whatever sweet thing you eat after dinner (haha) - he felt I should have used "pudding" which is what would be used in the UK. It would be like saying that using "apartment" is wrong and you should say "flat" instead. He wasnt even from the UK. He was from doucheland.
LW3 -
God I love my husband. How some women marry, let alone stay with, these dirtbags is beyond me.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Zoe
Mon May 13, 2013 9:20 PM
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LW1 -
I don't agree with the Annies that your husband's lack of succes may be the indication that he's not as enthusiastic as you think. It is e-x-t-r-e-m-e-l-y easy for any female, reasonably young and presentable, to get f*cked. Even the ones who are not (reasonably young and presentable) will have no trouble finding if they're not racist. Things are different with men, especially past the bloom of prime youth.
Join an exchangist club. But then, perhaps your husband WILL reconsider when he sees you with his own eyes in full action with another man.
LW2 -
I've got bad news for you, you are not the last word and testament on English usage, and your choice of vocabulary is not the universal standard.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon May 13, 2013 9:32 PM
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 refers to the first letter on 10 April 2013 (Wife of the Plumber with Leaky Pipes at Home).
Comment: #3
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Mon May 13, 2013 10:44 PM
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LW2: Ever hear of lunch? It's what people eat in the middle of the day (although, as the Annies said, if it's the main mean it is sometimes called dinner). What happens afterward is called dinner or supper, depending on where you live. _Your_ definition_ is not _the_ definition.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Baldrz
Mon May 13, 2013 11:54 PM
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LW1: Why are they encouraging an open marriage? The original Ann Lander would knock these two upside the head for printing the letter, and worse, their response.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Gerhardt
Tue May 14, 2013 1:10 AM
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LW2 - I don't know why the LW thinks he/she (I'll use "she" for convenience) is an authority on language, but the normal usage of the terms "dinner" and "supper" is very simple. Dinner is the main meal of the day, whenever it's eaten. If dinner is eaten in the middle of the day, then the evening meal is supper. If the main meal is eaten in the evening, then it's dinner and the meal eaten at mid-day is lunch. It seems to be more prevalent in the south to call the evening meal "supper", but the word normally is defined as a light meal eaten in the evening, with the main meal being eaten in the middle of the day. In any event, the LW has apparently fashioned herself a linguistic expert, but she is far from it. The way the two terms are used is regional, and many more people who were originally from farming communities use "supper" as the evening meal and "dinner" as the noon meal. The terms have become interchangeable with time, and there really is no right or wrong any more.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kitty
Tue May 14, 2013 1:49 AM
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LW1 - I do not believe that your husband hasn't had any luck because he really doesn't want to do this, as the Annies suggested. No where in her letter does it state that she asked her husband for it and he agreed to it. It said they both decided to try it. There could be a million reasons why he can't get a date but we don't know him so we can't say why. But the others have had good suggestions. Try a swingers club or a swingers party. But if you're really bothered by this, then talk to him and ask him how he feels about it.
Gerhardt asked, "Why are they encouraging an open marriage?" I personally wouldn't want an open marriage but, IMO, if the spouses both agree to it and are open and honest about it, then that's their business. If people want an open marriage, I do not think less of them or think their "wrong" (as long as everything is consensual and there are no children or animals involved). I guess the Annies feel the same way.
LW2 - You know...they have these things called dictionaries. You could've looked it up. It says pretty much the same thing that the Annies said.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Michelle
Tue May 14, 2013 3:45 AM
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Oh, Lord. I meant to say, "think THEY'RE wrong." Boy oh boy I made the mistake that I hate seeing myself, LOL!
Comment: #8
Posted by: Michelle
Tue May 14, 2013 3:50 AM
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@Gerhardt, perhaps the "new" Annies realize that infidelity in this country is a serious problem, and that monogamy isn't a natural state, but rather a choice, and isn't the right choice for everyone -- and that throughout millennia adults have had different styles of relationships?
I know people whose open relationships have lasted longer and more successfully than most "regular" marriages... it's not my thing, but I'm not going to cast aspersions on anyone who is choosing something, openly and honestly, with their spouse.
I have a LOT more of a problem with cheating -- as in, dishonestly and secretively opening up your marriage WITHOUT discussing it with your partner.
Everyone who has ever been cheated on has essentially already been in an open relationship -- just without their knowledge or their consent. LW1's way is MUCH better.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Mike H
Tue May 14, 2013 4:09 AM
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LW1's husband's problem is probably not for lack of interest or resistance to the idea of an open marriage -- it's just easier for women to find a date or a hookup than for straight men.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Mike H
Tue May 14, 2013 4:11 AM
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LW1- I'm with those who said he's not as successful as the wife because it's easier for a woman to get laid verses a man. I don't think it's because he really doesn't want to do it. Also, siding with those that say to GERHARDT in that I don't think the Annie's are doing anything wrong by not printing his letter or giving him advice. Like others, an open marriage is not for me but it is how some people have successful marriages.
LW2- Really, you must be one bored woman (using woman because that's who I think wrote in) to have to ponder this to a degree that you needed to write the Annie's. I have always used the words interchangeably and would not even blink if someone used one instead of the other. IMO, only an uptight, black & white kind of person would make this an issue.
Comment: #11
Posted by: JustBecause
Tue May 14, 2013 4:31 AM
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LW1--There could be myriad reasons why your husband isn't having as much luck in the dating pool as you are. Common sense tells me, however, that one strong reason is that there are many more guys out there who are willing to enter into a relationship with a married woman than there are women willing to do the same with a married man. Call it human nature. You don't say whether or not you're looking for full blown relationships or sex with no strings or friends-with-benefits. Your husband should ask himself what it is he's hoping to get out of your new open marriage and then peruse the proper web sites. Trust me, there is a "dating" site for every scenario, taste, persuasion and kink.
LW2--Dear Stickler. Why don't you get a life?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Chris
Tue May 14, 2013 4:45 AM
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LW1, why don't you ask one of your boyfriends if he knows someone to fix your husband up with, and then you can all double-date? Seriously, the reason it's easier for you to find a date is because these guys do not care that you're married. They're not looking for a long-term relationship with you--you're just someone to hump for the price of dinner and a movie. Most of the women on dating sites, however, are looking for something longer term, so your husband gets filtered out. Stop worrying so much about him, because eventually he will find someone--but chances are good she will ask him to leave you, and he will.
LW2, you must be lots of fun to have over for dinner.
LW3, bitter much? Or she could simply pick up a wrench and learn to fix a leaky tap herself, instead of considering that to be "men's work".
Comment: #13
Posted by: Jane
Tue May 14, 2013 4:53 AM
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