DEAR SUSAN: I enjoyed reading your Sexual Bill of Rights, particularly your ideas about pleasuring ourselves. Even as a married man, I find it important every now and then, and I find that each time I do, I enjoy it more. But I'd also like to comment on whether men are wired for monogamy. Having been married for 20 years, I have found myself questioning this matter for quite some time. I do count my blessings for the life I have; don't get me wrong. But still, I've been attracted to countless women over the years, many of whom I imagined being my sex partner. I understand your feelings about casual sex, even among single people, but there seems to be a part of me that has always had such thoughts — even though I haven't acted on them. I'd appreciate some feedback on these issues. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: While the wheels are spinning out there in Readerland, with countless thoughts being penned sparked by the issues you raise, your concerns are being given serious consideration in this corner of the blogosphere. They ignite instantaneous reaction here because a) marriage is supposed to take care of all sexual needs forever, a most unnatural expectation, and b) when it doesn't (and that's most of the time, for most people), all sorts of guilt feelings immediately surface and blot out even the most compelling logic. Which brings me to your letter, dear reader. The truth is that most of us need a bit of fantasy in our sex lives; nothing wrong there — if not overdone or inappropriate. And we can give ourselves great pleasure because we know our own bodies best; it's that straightforward. But (you knew this was coming, no?) the pleasure of intimacy with a beloved goes beyond sensation, reaching the depths of the soul. If you can bring yourself to raise the issue with your wife, it could be a life-changing dialogue. I wish I could give more detail, but this is an issue for a book, where there is more space. To sum up, your private thoughts are yours alone, as long as they stay in your mind and are not acted out. Your thoughts are shared by countless people around the globe. Understand them as "normal" and usual, and discard the guilty feelings they engender.

Readers, for your own copy of the Sexual Bill of Rights, free for the asking, send me a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

DEAR SUSAN: Staying friends with ex-lovers is possible but fraught with difficulties. I have stayed in touch with former lovers, but only one or two are still good friends. The others are more like "let's exchange Christmas cards" acquaintances. Of primary importance is making sure my current partner feels no jealousy or anxiety about my relationships with them. I did have one former ex who assumed our staying in touch meant occasional "romps down memory lane," but I quickly disabused him of the notion! — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Good move! Continuing to fan an old, tired flame is not only folly but also destructive. Filling that need — even episodically — takes a person out of the "available" market and brands her/him as "taken," distinctly shortening her/his romantic future. I rarely use the word "stupid," but such a decision would (in my mind) justify its usage. The past is the past, dear friends, and the only way to move into the future is to take a deep breath, prepare yourself for a few bouts of low-key sadness and then start thinking about tomorrow.

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