DEAR SUSAN: I've been reading your column with great interest since my 25-year marriage ended in divorce. (I was resigned to very low odds of finding a partner at age 50, because my friends and I believed men my age want younger women.) So I made my life full and interesting with work, my adult children, good friends, occasional dating and some group activities. And just when I was feeling satisfied with single life, a man I knew from high school phoned and asked me to dinner. (We had been on friendly terms back then but had never dated.) At our first meeting, I found him charming, intelligent and very polite; but there was no spark, so we decided to remain friends. But we enjoyed being together, so we kept seeing each other. In time, we found we had many shared interests and values. In fact, the more we knew about each other the greater the attraction. And it all took time!

That's the real point of this letter, Susan, to confirm your recent statement that in 0.1 percent of relationships, physical attraction comes later — and when it does, "the lightning bolt can be even more intense for its being delayed." Well, I'm writing to confirm that the 0.1 percent can be amazing and that in my case patience paid off. This man was well worth the wait. Had I been in a rush to move on to the next available person who "made an impression" in the first few meetings, I would have missed the most amazing journey. The slow build allowed us to get to know each other as friends first, and when the physical attraction kicked in — later on — it was more than I ever had expected, and it hasn't faded after two years of marriage. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: That fabled race between the tortoise and the hare says it all: Taking the slow road to almost anything worth having betters the odds of success. This is most certainly true in relationships, in which values and traits take time to reveal themselves. Too soon bedded, too long regretted; very few of us can plead totally innocent to that scenario. It can happen in the twinkling of a flashbulb; an upturned nose or the coolness of a slouch can set off hormones and trigger impulses too soon regretted. And another relationship with potential bites the dust, ended before it began. That may well explain the success of the online dating sites springing up for the over-50 set; the second time around, that libidinous spark takes more time to rouse. Another vote for delay, no? And — listen up — the union later in life is aroused by different things from what arouse those in their maddening 20s. Such as? Well, the way he/she treats the waiter can be a turn-on. (Kindness is good for sex; take it from this veteran.) How he/she smells in close encounters. What he/she says about his/her family. How respected you feel in his/her company. How other people respond to him/her in work and social situations. You get the idea. What happens vertically is the factor that engenders bed gratitude.

DEAR SUSAN: I read your column every week, and I love your advice. I must comment on the recent column in which you advised a 50-year-old man to go on OurTime.com. I have been on that site and must tell you that he will do quite well there. I'm a 56-year-old woman who looks younger, is considered attractive and is well-spoken. But I hardly got a nibble. Why? Because younger women are taking up all the men my age! Good luck to him. As for me, I've learned to love my life alone. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: But you need only one man to round the corners and light up your life. So for my sake, please don't sell yourself a bill of goods on loving aloneness. (And you know by now how much alone time can mean to me, too.) Yes, it's great to have personal space, but knowing his phone call will come soon adds a unique deliciousness to your onlyness. Knowing that, continue making a full life for yourself, trying new things and meeting new people. Do a bit of traveling; see new places. Do some volunteer work; it's a sure thing you'll come across good people with your values. Stay optimistic and adventurous; dating sites aren't the only game in town. Besides, it's not true that younger women have cornered the market on good men. As I said, you only need one good one, and he can be in a United Way group or a golf class or a writing class, etc. If you think your life can't change for the better, read (and clip) the letter above yours. When you're involved in life, things happen.

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