DEAR SUSAN: If someone is looking for a father for her kids, as a woman who wrote to you recently is, that probably means she has sons. But at least she cares about finding someone who will be good to them. When my mother was single, the last thing in the world she cared about was finding (another) father for us. (She had kicked out the man who was our genetic father.) What she wanted after that was an exciting lover; we children weren't even part of the calculation, except as hindrances to the search. (Her daughters had the additional problem of being her competition — in her mind — for the married jerks she favored.) Hey, compared with her, the single moms looking for a father for their children are saints. Or maybe they are looking for someone to father yet another child? If so, that's not so great. Multiple kids with different fathers (none of whom sticks around) is a recipe for poverty and a really hard life in every possible way. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: As a woman who became a single mom and widow literally overnight, I feel an urgency to set the record straight. Most single moms, whether they come to that role via divorce or widowhood, make their children top priority. Their outpourings to me rarely include self-pity. More often, they are filled with dreams and hopes for their families. Your mother was an exception, a rare case of negative mothering. But I can affirm that the majority of single moms operate on maternal instinct, feelings that come quite naturally. And even then, in the best of circumstances, unmarried motherhood is no easy gig.

DEAR SUSAN: As other people have posited to you, women do not NEED a man — and I think that means the relationships that form have a better chance of succeeding. (In the past — when women had to lean on a man — when women wanted private schools and college for their children, they knew they must marry money.) It means the wife doesn't have to put up with a philandering husband. It means the family can survive if the husband gets laid off, which happened a lot during the recession. The "men can't do anything right" commercials are meant to play funny with buyers — but I think there are far fewer of them than I recall from my youth. As for websites, there are plenty that reduce women to body parts, no? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Let's shake hands (virtually) on perfect agreement. This is a brave new world, with feisty new solutions. Agreed, women are able to enter the work world and earn their daily bread — or rice cakes, for a lower calorie count. And as a byproduct of empowering us, men have reduced their own burden. Yes, men have their own tyrannies. For sure. But our sharing the load releases them from some of them (a humdrum workday, for one) and frees them to choose fulfilling work — which often comes with a mediocre pay scale. This is men's take on liberation. It's only fair and right that our men should share in the good feelings that come with undependence. Yes, men also need to be their own person in this new world of open boundaries. For your very own parchment copy of the Declaration of Undependence — free for the asking — send me a stamped, self-addressed envelope.

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