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Later Love
DEAR SUSAN: My mom was in her late 50s when she found love again after divorcing my dad. She used an online dating site to find it — but this was before the site you mentioned existed. It seems a fine match, and they have been married for …Read more.
A Perfect 10
DEAR SUSAN: I had to laugh at the letter from a man describing himself as a "Richard Gere" looking for a woman who is a professional, intelligent and a perfect 10. The problem might just be in his math! I've noticed that men rate …Read more.
Choose Happiness
DEAR SUSAN: This positive advice is for a fellow blogger, who seems to be having a hard time: It takes work to escape the comfort zone that keeps you making the same mistakes. (It's easier if you have the help of a good therapist, but people have …Read more.
The Uninvited
DEAR SUSAN: Your column on being left out of a couple's world has made me respond to an advice columnist for the first time in my life. The problem is much bigger than you seem to realize. When I was part of a couple, we did a lot of socializing. I …Read more.
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Flaunting
DEAR SUSAN: In my mind, "flaunting" is less about what you have than it is about how you act and talk about it. You can have a killer bod, for example, that you work on like the dickens to maintain with diet and exercise — yet not constantly put it on display or talk endlessly about the number of sit-ups you do. Smart people, regardless of gender, should not flaunt their higher earning power or otherwise act as if it reflects their worth as a person. The biggest demerit goes to those singles who believe their greater earning power gives them greater say in their relationships. — From the "Single File" blog
DEAR BLOGGER: Good point! It used to be that the coupled man wore the mantle of earning power because he brought in the gelt. But the wheel has turned away from that inequity, toward the woman whose earning power is a significant part of the family income. The suddenness of it has found both sexes unprepared to handle it with grace. It is going to take time (gobs of it) for women to handle their newfound earning power (among other strengths and powers) with grace and men to find their way in this new relationship design. It won't be easy, and it certainly won't run smoothly. It seems to me that shining a light into the dark recesses of gender relatedness is the surest way to make room for the new relatedness and reduce its stranglehold. Out with the old, in with the new. Flaunting is for the insecure. Good riddance.
DEAR SUSAN: Politics do matter in a relationship, if one or both people care deeply about them. I have been a political junkie since grade school and started working on campaigns long before I was eligible to vote. I simply cannot imagine sharing my life with someone whose politics were radically different from my own — or who simply didn't care at all about politics. My husband of 10 years, who describes himself as "somewhere to the right of Attila the Hun," says he was certain he had fallen in love while listening to me scream at Al Gore during the presidential debates of 2000. — From the "Single FiIe" blog
DEAR BLOGGER: Personal values are embodied in our choice of candidates, because each one of them represents a whole spectrum of them. So it's only logical that political choices reflect our own. If neither partner cares very much about politics or political issues, no problema. The messy stuff occurs when one partner is as deeply enmeshed in the political world as you. Then, no holds barred. The core values, deeply entrenched, can be a litmus test for the flexibility so necessary when sharing a life. It seems to me that the respect shown to each other when disagreeing is the most crucial issue of all. Politics is as good a battleground as any to uncover unpleasant emotions and test one's own feelings toward the prospective partner. Universal agreement on all issues isn't nearly so important as the overarching respect shown while disagreeing. It takes largesse to agreeably disagree. That, to me, is the core element of any relationship friction.
DEAR SUSAN: Happiness is a choice you make every single day, regardless of what you have or don't have. There's a story of an elderly man, wheelchair-bound and almost legally blind, who was being moved to a nursing home. Immediately upon entering it, he said, "I love it," to which the flustered nurse said, "But you haven't seen it all yet. How do you know you love it?" The man replied, "Because I've made up my mind to love it — and so I do."
My reply to the blogger who seems to be hanging on really hard to his unhappiness is that it's pretty much common knowledge that focusing on what you don't have is sure to make you unhappy, whereas focusing on what you do have (e.g., eyesight, mobility, a job, siblings, nephews/nieces, friends, a roof over your head, enough to eat, a loving pet) promotes gratitude and happiness. So, fellow blogger, why aren't you applying that knowledge to your life? Do you prefer being unhappy and full of complaints to making an effort to become happy? — From the "Single File" blog
DEAR BLOGGER: If I may supply an answer for the other blogger: Being unhappy is all he's known. It's familiar compared with the unfamiliar state, happiness. Railing against the foibles of life is the state of mind he's known for a long time, more comfortable than smiling or being thankful. It's not easy to comprehend, but the downbeat is the only music he hears and, over time, has given him an odd sort of comfort, just by being repeated again and again. Additional posts like yours could make a huge difference in his life. You've made a great contribution by answering his mournful posts openly and directly. Let's keep it up as blog brothers.
Have a question for Susan? Send it to her in care of this newspaper or online at www.creators.com.
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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Yes, for someone to change his default setting from "unhappy" to "happy" is definitely harder than leaving it at "unhappy". The change requires conscious, constant effort for awhile until it becomes second nature.
But like anything worthwhile, it is so worth the effort to say, instead of, "Rain! Now I can't go for that walk" "Rain -- well, some homemade chili would taste good today, and while it's cooking, I'll catch up on those magazines piled in the corner." Or instead of "the whole world is paired off except me -- how will I make it through another weekend? to think, "Great! A free weekend AND my back feels pretty good today. I'm going to be able to help with that urban garden project down at the park after all! They can use all the help they can get if they're going to raise food for the hungry." Or, instead of, "Stupid car! The heater never works" to think "It was really nice of Dad to give me this car. I bet he knows how to get the heater to work more reliably."
I've read of people determined to become happier by imposing this rule on themselves: For negative thought that pops into your head or out of your mouth, you force yourself to come up with 3 positive ones -- and voice them! Or keep a journal of things to be grateful for.
Think there are none? Really, even terminally ill people often say they've found some positive outcomes of their disease -- they're forced to take better care of themselves, to resolve feuds with family members, to learn how to accept help from others gracefully, to really think about what's important and act on it -- rather than just go mindlessly through the motions, like a hamster on a wheel, thinking "someday I'll.... go to France...learn to stir-fry...go through my mom's old photo albums and make labels...when I have more time."
Just last week, I heard a dad talking about a conversation someone had had with his little boy shortly before the child died of cancer. The person asked the boy about the happiest time he'd ever had; as expected, the answer was the trip 2 years earlier made possibly by the Make a Wish Foundation. The worst time? "When I fell off my bike when I was 4 and had to have stitches." Amazed, the other person asked: "It wasn't the day you were diagnosed, or any of the surgeries or treatments?"
"No," the child replied immediately. "If I hadn't gotten sick, I wouldn't have been able to go on the trip."
That kid had already discovered something so many adults never do -- that even in our trials, there are blessings IF we make the effort to see them.
Comment: #1
Posted by: hedgehog
Fri Dec 16, 2011 8:51 PM
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Flaunting-I dined at a nice restaurant Thursday night and was seated at the bar (I'll go into that in a minute). I noticed one of the men setting there to have a wad of money laying on the bar in front of him with a $100 bill on the outsiude of the wad. Flaunting-In the fitness center some women with killer bod's work out in the weight area where the men are so they can put on display what they have.
Back to the restaurant-upon entering I noticed couples setting at the tables, the hostess seats me at the bar without asking-why because I don't have a woman at my side. I don't drink.
Unhappiness-I had no desire to dine without the company of a woman, but where are they?
Comment: #2
Posted by: J
Sat Dec 17, 2011 2:05 PM
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J -- try this. If the hostess asks if you're meeting someone, say, "I'm on my own tonight, and if you have one open, I'd like a table [name the location you want], please." Unless the restaurant is jammed, they will usually try to accommodate you to help put you in a good tipping mood and earn your repeat business. If you don't tell them right away, they will do what their manager instructed--seat all diners however it's most convenient for the restaurant. (True for when you're dining with someone else, too, speak up when you don't want a table (near that screaming toddler, by the loud bachelorette party or under an air conditioning vent.)
I've only had this NOT work once. A surly bartender/host insisted I sit at the bar, though I could see several small tables open and more people leaving than arriving; it was a pricey, primarily adult-oriented steak joint after 9 p.m. in a town outside a national park (I'd chosen not to camp with my wilderness-loving boys) . I said, "OK, thanks then" and walked to a more crowded Italian spot where they put me in the first table open, a large booth, and never rushed me though families WERE still coming in. Food and service earned them a very nice tip that night. (The town's other pricey, primarily adult restaurant also gave great food and service the next night.)
Comment: #3
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Dec 18, 2011 6:34 AM
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hedgehog, thanks I was making a point about single people and how things are assumed.
The unhappiness stems from seeing others have what you desire and wondering how they obtained it, what you've done wrong, what you've not done right. Yes being grateful for all those things does promote happiness and yes being familiar with unhappiness for a long time promotes that also. Like the elephant that only needs a little rope in place of the large chain to remind them to stay in the ring. How does one escape that confort zone?
Comment: #4
Posted by: J
Mon Dec 19, 2011 5:32 AM
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J, first let's talk a little about assumptions. The hostess was not making any assumptions -- you were assuming she was! Do you believe if you'd walked in with someone BESIDES a woman (your boss, your brother, a 4 year old girl) that they'd have seated you at the bar?
My guess is no. A restaurant manager wants to get the most seats filled with people buying food, which means that parties of 2 tend to get seated at tables for 2 rather than 4. Parties of one get seated at the bar, regardless of whether they drink, because that frees up an extra seat at a table.. That SHOULD mean that fewer people end up waiting to be seated.
BUT... if there's one thing a manager wants more than filling every seat, it's to make sure your dining experience is as pleasant as the manager can make it. That means the hostess is told: If someone is dining alone, seat that person at the bar; don't ask if it's all right -- just do it. BUT if that person objects, or asks right off for a table, by all means lead him to a table if there's one available so we don't start him off mad.
Why not just ask right away? Because the restaurant manager knows most people would rather sit at a table than the bar, and if you ask, the bar seats tend to go unfilled. If you lead a person to the bar, he probably won't object, so the restaurant keeps that table free in case a larger party comes in.
Comment: #5
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:13 AM
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J, first let's talk a little about assumptions. The hostess was not making any assumptions -- you were assuming she was! Do you believe if you'd walked in with someone BESIDES a woman (your boss, your brother, a 4 year old girl) that they'd have seated you at the bar?
My guess is no. A restaurant manager wants to get the most seats filled with people buying food, which means that parties of 2 tend to get seated at tables for 2 rather than 4. Parties of one get seated at the bar, regardless of whether they drink, because that frees up an extra seat at a table.. That SHOULD mean that fewer people end up waiting to be seated.
BUT... if there's one thing a manager wants more than filling every seat, it's to make sure your dining experience is as pleasant as the manager can make it. That means the hostess is told: If someone is dining alone, seat that person at the bar; don't ask if it's all right -- just do it. BUT if that person objects, or asks right off for a table, by all means lead him to a table if there's one available so we don't start him off mad.
Why not just ask right away? Because the restaurant manager knows most people would rather sit at a table than the bar, and if you ask, the bar seats tend to go unfilled. If you lead a person to the bar, he probably won't object, so the restaurant keeps that table free in case a larger party comes in.
Comment: #6
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:13 AM
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It takes work, J, to escape that comfort zone. I think it's easier if you have the help of a good therapist who can give you immediate feedback, but people have done it on their own, too, with a lot of determination and focus. It's so easy to slip back that you have to watch yourself and be very honest with yourself about sticking to your plan. You might make it a point to say 3 positive things every time you say a negative one: "I don't have a loving wife....but I do have a good job, which many people don't right now; I've learned a lot about what went wrong in my last relationship so I'll be ready for my next one; and I've got family who care about me."
I googled "how to become more positive" and, since we can't post links here, cut and paste some ideas from the first site that popped up. You can find more with another Google search, too: My favorites here are the first three -- I think just doing those will be immensely helpful.
1. Appreciate as much as you can. This is one of those very simple things you can do to bring more positivity in to your life. I have also found appreciation to be a great way to turn an angry, sad and frustrated mood around to a more positive one.
2. Stop comparing yourself to others. If you don´t then you´ll just create a lot of unnecessary pain in your life. If you pass one person then you´ll just find another person more successful than you. And your brief sense of being a winner will transform once again into anxiety, fear, tummy-aches and possibly heart-attacks.
3. Realize that it is possible to choose how you react. You don´t have live your life in reaction. You have a choice. There is always a gap between stimuli and reaction. If you focus on that gap it will widen and although it might seem in the beginning like stimuli and your reaction are tied together that is not the case.
4. Educate yourself. Self-education can be a great help to live a more positive life. Read great books on the areas of your life you want to improve. Maybe it's it your financial situation. Or your health. Or your relationships. Ask people with more success in that area than you what they did to improve.
5. Act as if. Your emotions work backwards too. So even if you don´t feel positive, confident, calm or decisive you can act like it. And after you have done that for a few minutes, guess what happens? You will actually start to feel positive, confident, calm or decisive.
6. Live in the now. Don´t let your thoughts drift into the past or future more than necessary. It's often a sure-fire way to start negative loops of thoughts in your mind.
7. Do some mental rehearsal. This is great way to improve your performance and decrease anxiety in any upcoming situation. Maybe you´re heading into a meeting soon. Then visualize now how great the events will unfold – see and hear it – and also how great will you feel at this meeting.
8. Redefine failure. Michael Jordan once said: “I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.”
9. Focus on what you want, not on what you don´t want. One common problem is to focus your thoughts on what you don´t want rather than what you want. If you do that then it will be hard to get what you want in life. If you want to improve your finances then focus on having a great financial situation rather than your lack of money and your debts.
Comment: #7
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Dec 19, 2011 9:26 AM
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J is a troll, his point is not to "get help". Its to Pi55 off people reading the post. They're everywhere, its kind of obvious. Just ignore it :)
Comment: #8
Posted by: julie
Mon Dec 19, 2011 1:16 PM
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Thanks, Julie, but I'm pretty convinced that J is for real and is hurting. The third letter in today's column is mine; it was written in answer to J a few weeks ago. I see Susan believes that J can help himself; so do I.
Comment: #9
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Dec 19, 2011 2:53 PM
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I agree, hedgehog. I think J may be a little "stuck in a rut" but is genuine and sincere.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Dec 20, 2011 9:13 AM
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hedgehog, #6 rminds me of my basketball coach I had in school, he would prance back and forth, while we set on the bleachers, holding and bouncing the basketball when out of the blue he would throw the ball at one of us, some of us caught it and others it bounced off of them. He would then shout "expect the ball at all time." So to "Live in the now."
Some Single people (married ones too) catch a virus, it's called aloneness. The prescribed cures (being active, volunteering, getting educated...) don't always work and the virus can snowball. There is a cure, but it's hard to find.
Mike H, sometimes we can get unstuck, but when in a rut can't get out.
Comment: #11
Posted by: J
Wed Dec 21, 2011 3:22 AM
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