Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: My definition of singlehood is not having a significant other. I'm reminded of my own singleness every day when I see couples together — contrasted with the way singles are treated. I personally have no desire to stay unmarried. You're always saying to dig into oneself to uncover the true self. But how much digging is required? How deep must one go? And does one know one's gotten there when the significant other shows up? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: When you agree that the answers to your questions are inside yourself, you'll be on your way to the most exciting moments of your life. Better than any roller-coaster ride, these peaks stay with you to the last day, making your life better and better. Not that problems won't arise — they will, part of any life — but when they do, the mining you've done will make you stronger and surer that you can handle them. That digging is best done with a consultant, a trusted therapist who is there with you — in that room of truth — to help clear away the stumbling blocks (many of which you've put there yourself). There's no blame game played in that room; you're with an ally, after all. You're on a journey of discovery, clearing out the misunderstandings and distortions that have been keeping you from a gratifying, productive life. The amount of digging isn't known at the outset; you'll judge how well you work with your guide/therapist. The depth of the digging is for you to determine; you could become so into the process that you'll count the days between sessions. (By the way, interviewing a few therapists before starting with one is a good thing. A very good thing.) You may have a big surprise coming, as you realize that life is too wonderful to depend on finding one person. (That fact surprised me!) Bon voyage.

DEAR SUSAN: An update on the man who wrote to you about his opinion of women more than a year ago, because he has changed greatly. In fact, he commented on your blog to apologize to women. Since then, he has posted frequently and adopted an attitude of being kind, sympathetic and supportive of the other posters, most of whom are women. We are all fond of him, and you would hardly recognize the person who posted that sour comment in the person he is now. It goes to show you that our relationships can be a matter of choice, not something decided for us.

DEAR BLOGGER: This is the perfect spot for an apology. Mine. The man in question here is a wonderful human being, known to me through letters he has written, specifically asking not to be included in my column. For some reason, his old letter appeared in this column; and I've been repeating my mea culpa ever since. His willingness to look again at the stale fiction about women that was limiting his life makes him my hero. Which should inspire many of us to be our own heroes. How about it? Are you up for another look-see at the attitudes that load you down? Resolve today to be friends with the other gender. Make your first moves a smile and an outstretched hand to that nice someone who seems to be on your wavelength. Yes, it's a risk, but the downside is minimal — and the payoff could be something wonderful.

DEAR SUSAN: My advice to people who dine alone: If the hostess asks whether you're meeting someone, say that you are on your own and would like a table (your preferred location). Unless the restaurant is jammed, she will usually try to accommodate you, to help put you in a good tipping mood and to earn your loyalty. (If you don't tell her your preference, she'll do what the manager has instructed: seat you at the restaurant's convenience.) This didn't work for me only once. That time, a surly bartender insisted that I sit at the bar, although I saw several small tables open and more people leaving than arriving. I left and walked to a crowded Italian spot where they put me in the first available table and never rushed me. Food and service earned them a very nice tip that night. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: You chose not to hide your (lone) head in a book, keeping it down out of shame for being uncoupled, and you were firm enough to refuse a bar stool and walk out. From where I sit, social etiquette is changing — for the better. Women are at tables for two on Saturday night — without a man but, more importantly, without shame. The tyranny that once insisted on women's being homebound if dateless on Saturday night is long gone. (Good riddance.) But the single diner is still fair game for cutting remarks and inhospitable treatment, remedy for which is a strong sense of self. You are to be respected, alone or paired. The community table makes this statement so well; it's almost expected that you are on your own. Couples and families are seated in another part of the room; to each his own. The arrangement makes solo dining much more of an adventure. Any dining tales you'd like to share? This is the place they're most welcome.

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