Single File by Susan Deitz

Core singleness, the individuality that makes you deliciously one of a kind, has little to do with marital status. Its essence is within all of us, a mixture of genes and chromosomes, with a dash of subliminal impressions and choices thrown in. But whatever the scientific formula, the essential self is more than its components, blending gifts passed down from generations long gone that congeal and form the self you imagine you know, the inner sanctum so elusive. The result is a selfhood like none other, sadly usually little-known and tamped down by the issues of daily existence. But I'm here to remind you that whatever your age or stage, it's more than probable you have within a sleeping giant waiting to be awakened. And once brought back to consciousness, your life will be so much more interesting; the people you meet, the conversations they engender, the depth of your own thoughts and feelings will amaze (and delight) you and everyone whose path you cross.

Living holds so much more when we take the dare to awaken the rest of ourselves, the dimension sometimes called "potential." I'm not sure that one word encapsulates this core singleness, but it's a beginning. In other words, it is the self we could be when we dare to speak up — what we are when we have the courage to add another layer to the usual selfhood we show the world.

Which makes it a good time to trumpet the workout that builds muscles for the calisthenics of living, those exercises in singleness that have a tendency to show up in this column. They are designed to build the individual — not the bod — and build healthy confidence for the long haul, giving strength and clear vision, whatever the choice. The basis of the exercises is making oneself comfortable being with himself — certainly not as insular loner, but as someone who builds relationships out of choice rather than need.

This person is comfortable with himself, preferring his own company to tepid company. It's not an easy choice; our society is more comfortable seeing pairs traveling in lock step than it is seeing those walking single file. For some reason, aloneness is seen as rejection. But being by oneself is an acquired skill, one devoutly to be wished, for once aloneness is unmasked — for the wimp it really is — the skill of relating is somehow made easier and the person more comfortable in company. Ironic but true. Not convinced? Maybe you should spend more time on your own, seeing how life is when you're mobile and unaccountable — and alone with your private thoughts. And when the next party pops up, suck it up and go with your best friend. Yep, show up at the door with yourself and a bottle of wine.

I bet you're feeling more relaxed than you have in a long, long time. Chalk it up to life experience, or it could be a mellowing with age. (You, not the wine.) But my hunch is you're coming closer to yourself, your real self, the one on the path to being all you can be — or at least more than you were a while back, in those days when you were still needy for "company" and not too discriminating about who that happened to be.

How many relationships, marriages, etc., are based on neediness — cloaked in loneliness and wrapped with a wilted bow that soon fades into boredom and routine when there could have been a vital, flourishing friendship with deep bonding and healthy interdependency? The give and take of healthy bonding is the Holy Grail of relationships, is it not? Two people who have developed inner resources can form a world of their own, welcoming the outside world. They stand together, tall and strong and undependent, but not in each other's shadow.

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