Single File by Susan Deitz

As much as I feel special tenderness for young people who grow up with a single parent — my own son, Scott, was only 4 when he lost his father and became part of a two-person family — my focus right now is on you as a single mom. Resilient, resourceful and deeply valued, those children will grow up and leave to follow their own destinies. The adult they leave behind, you, will be only as self-reliant as the connections formed while they were still at home. That's the challenge: giving enough to your family while filling your own needs.

In a way, this boils down to an identity crisis. The identity is yours, dear lady, and ignoring its need for expression could bring crisis into your life. It probably won't surface now, while the children's needs are keeping you occupied, but later on, when they drift off (as they should and must) to follow their own paths and the first gray hairs appear and inspire thoughts of life's short span. As wonderful as being 24-hour guardian of your precious treasures, both parent and child must ultimately separate for the health of the relationship. So the connection between generations, though a conduit into the future, is not sufficient unto itself. But astonishingly, it does hold the kernel of the solution: You can use your children's routine as a basis for your connections.

At your children's religious school, host a tea for the parents of their classmates. Become part of a committee there. Join the women's auxiliary. (Put your singles dances on hold for a while; this way of meeting people is so much more satisfying.) Your kids will be proud of you, and so will I.

At nursery school, ask whether you could help the teacher for a day or a part of the day.

Invite parents over for a Sunday potluck dinner. Make it a regular event, a movable feast that includes the children and widens your social life.

Discuss with your children's principal the possibility of having a formal dinner to thank the teachers for their hard work. Being an activist mom will not be overlooked by your children.

Consider joining Parents Without Partners, the granddaddy of single-parent groups. Learn about its activities by going to one or two evening meetings, and judge for yourself the value of becoming a member. The group is international, and it fills a real need for single moms — and dads.

Children connect you with the world around you. Once you see your parenthood as a link to other areas of the world, there's no limit to the horizons that will open to you and your offspring. Chances are you've been doing this on sheer instinct. After all, children are products of the life force, so it follows that they can lead you into a wider future. Each of these suggestions gives you a chance to be an example of warmth and sociability to your children. Remember, they are patterning themselves on the one adult in their household, a big responsibility and an even bigger privilege and delight. In the same way they can be your bridge to a wider world, you can be their primary image of the adults they will become. Make sure you are sending the best message you can to these small people with large imaginations.

Feel free to send me your comments about this column, your parenthood and anything else that's on your mind. Oh, one more thing: A while ago, I commented that sometimes men make better mothers. Do I hear a dissenting voice?

Have a question for Susan? Send it to her in care of this newspaper or online at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2011 CREATORS.COM