Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: Four years ago, I walked away from a horrible marriage. Unfortunately, I had to leave my two children with my ex-husband. I have been in and out of court trying to get custody of my children and lower the child support my ex-husband expects me to pay. Because of his vindictiveness, I have seen my children only once since our separation, although he allows them to call me once a week.

I moved out of state with "Steve," a platonic male friend. We have since started a relationship. Through my various court battles, Steve has been by my side. But lately, he's grown distant. Our lovemaking has deteriorated. We both want to move on from my past, but he feels we can't do this until this situation is resolved.

Clearly my ex-husband is jealous. He swears that my children will never meet Steve, and I am at a loss. I love Steve with all my heart, but should I walk away from this man and let him have his life back? — At a Crossroads in Chesapeake, Va.

Dear Crossroads: Life's setbacks can indeed pull couples apart or draw them together. Most men instinctively want to be the "knight in shining armor" and solve all of your problems. Unfortunately, divorces — especially those in which children and money are an issue — are complicated and take time to resolve. Over the years, Steve has watched your anxiety grow. He must be feeling some frustration over the fact that he hasn't been able to "fix" the situation for you.

Although he is powerless to change the legal issues involving your case, he needs to know that he has been instrumental in supporting your emotional wellbeing.

Reinforce to him your appreciation for all that he has done.

Dear John: When I get angry with my husband, I relieve my pain and frustration by writing him a nasty letter. This letter includes my feelings while also explaining my anger and resentment. I don't show these letters to him, but I hold onto them and keep them hidden. When I read them months later, the letters seem so angry, hostile and over the top that I end up throwing them out! I know you write about love letters, but how in the world do you express anger to someone without hurting their feelings? —Angry Letter Writer, in Bridgeport, Conn.

Dear Writer: Your "angry" letter does indeed have many similarities to what I call the "love letter." Both start off by stating annoyances, frustrations and explaining points of anger. The difference is that, in my letter, the writer ends by acknowledging the love and tenderness he or she strives to have and hold onto in the relationship.

Letters give us the chance to vent our frustrations. By writing out your feelings, holding on to them and reading them later, we gain a perspective of where we've been and where we need to go to further the relationship. Clearly, what you are doing is working for you, and it will work for others as well. Like the carpenter's caution to "measure twice and cut once," raw feelings are better explored in private. With the distance of time, we may be thankful that we kept some of those feelings to ourselves.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or e-mail him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2011 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE