Mars and Venus by John Gray

Dear John: I am a college student who has been dating my boyfriend for three years, all of which have been long distance. I am graduating in the next few months and have accepted a job near him. We have plans to get married in the near future.

Unfortunately, in the past year, my boyfriend, "Mike," transferred to a new city and in doing so, he moved in with an old girlfriend. Since then, our relationship has become extremely distant and frustrating for the both of us.

I am very uncomfortable with him living with her for many reasons. Mike goes to her for all his emotional support and feels that he can relate to her better than he can to me. He also tells me that I cannot understand where he is coming from because I am not in the "real world" yet. He feels that he can talk to his roommate much more easily about the issues in his life because she understands him much more than I ever could.

I have been trying to accept this for an entire year. Every time I bring up my feelings to Mike, he insists that she is "just a roommate" and that I need not be so insecure with our relationship. Now I've found out that they are planning on moving to a new house together! He claims he has "no choice" in the matter because she offers him cheap rent. I think Mike just doesn't want to leave his comfort zone.

We both want to save our relationship and are willing to make some changes, but Mike has made it very clear that his roommate is an important part of his life. Should I be jealous? —Out of Sync, in Madison, Wis.

Dear Out of Sync: First, the good news: From what you describe, I would doubt that there is a romance between them (at least, for now). Now, the bad news: The fact that he feels comfortable sharing with her — taken with his statement that he does not feel this same way with you — speaks volumes.

No man or woman can, or should, be everything to their partner, but the ability to communicate feelings, needs and concerns is an integral component in the long-term success of the relationship.

You might think that your next option is to move in together, sans roommate. Perhaps, sometime in the future, but I agree with you about Mike's "comfort zone," and I don't think he will want that to happen any time soon, and the last thing you should do at this point is change your academic or professional aspirations. The only way you'll find out if Mike is truly "the one" is to back off for the time being. Keep you options open by dating others. By creating an emotional distance, you'll both be able to reassess what needs were fulfilled — or lacking — and determine if it is something you both indeed want to correct.

Dear John: I told my girlfriend that I thought I liked someone else, and we broke up. I truly regret making that statement, but now, no matter what I think or say about other girls, she won't believe me. I love her with all my heart, and I would never do anything to harm her. I tried talking to her. I've even written her special poems, but she doesn't want to get back with me. What else can I do or say? —Big Mouth Blues, in Memphis, Tenn.

Dear Big Mouth: It sounds as if you've broken her trust. To rebuild it, polite persistence is a must.

Give her time and if it was meant to be, her heart will open to you again. If not, you'll have to face the fact that what you have now is a special friendship, and nothing more.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." Visit his website, http://www.marsvenus.com, for advice on dating, marriage, parenting, romance and workplace issues. Or e-mail him at comments@marsvenus.com. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2012 JOHN GRAY'S MARS VENUS ADVICE