Horoscopes by Holiday by Holiday Mathis

I guess the thing about me is that i'm a bit of a restless spirit. My inner landscape is always shifting. I used to hate this about myself because I grew up in an atmosphere where one was expected to focus on one thing and master it, like be a specialist in one area and develop that. This left me with a negative view of my exploratory spirit for a long time. Jack of all trades, master of none, flibbetygibbet, flake, debutant, all things negative connotations. As I got older I rejected these bad judgements and accepted that I am who I am, and God gave me a free spirit for me to use and enjoy. I guess I'm a little like Auntie Mame, whose motto is Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death! My dreams change. It's like I find a well with lots of creative water and I draw from it, and then unexpectedly, it runs dry! I loved my religious studies for like 10 or 12 years, and then one day the fire was gone. So I grabbed my dousing wand and looked for a new water vein to dig a new well. I wound up finding it in filmaking again. I started college in SF as a film student, but I kept failing the analysis part, which convinced me I was stupid and didn't get it. But I didn't want to analyze movies, I wanted to make them, but the program didn't allow for that. Later I found the program in Redwood city, where they put a camera in your hand the very first day! Finally I got to do what I wanted, and I learned so much and had a great time for years, but then, the well dried up again! So I moved on again, looking for water, I found some in thinking and writing about politics. I still enjoy it, but the political world is stagnant now and nobody seems to want to move forward. It is depressing and frustrating and lately it has felt futile and a waste of my time and efforts. So at the moment I've taken up sewing, because there seems to be a lot of creative possibilities there, the well is full and it is an opportunity to learn and force myself to grow. This is what I like, learning and growing, all the time. When one pot gets to small, I have to transplant to a bigger one, where there's more water. I guess if I had a vehicle, it would be a Bond car or a kinetic sculpture. It needs to go over land and water, under water and through the air. It needs guns and smoke screens and lots of gadgets, and it has to be arty, cause that's the way I roll. To me, money is a means to end. If I have to work so much for it that I can't use it to play, it's self deafeating. It is nothing in and of itself. Sometimes, like now the economy is bad and I have to have cheap fun, or sometimes pick up a second job, to pay for my fun. Business is bad now and my hours are being cut. For now I have a low enough overhead that I still have a little extra to play with and I have savings, too. I work like horse, and I'm not afraid of hard work, but it either needs to be simple, like serving or it needs to be fired by passion. Like I say, if the passion is not there, it dies and I move on. I don't know the future of my water sources and the well sites. I would like to try my hand at story writing, like I said, but until I find the water vein and it flows, I'm blocked. This is the sort of person that I am and I'm tired of wasting my time trying to change it. I embrace it and just flow, because it is my life and I have to enjoy it, regardless of collective values and other peoples opinions. Maybe tomorrow I will suddenly take up learning the guitar, or suddenly pick up and travel the world. I travelled alot when I was younger and loved it, but even that ran out of water. I would love to travel now, but it is beyond my means. The well empties suddenly and then after a time fills up again with out warning! I just can't say for sure what tomorrow will bring and I'm okay with that. I like that my future is unknown and feel flexible enough to embark on whatever adventures life throws my way and enjoy the discovery and the new skill sets that I need to deal. It's a life of surprises and that keeps me on my toes. This is the sort of person that I am.

I hate the IT on this page. I log in, spend thirty minutes writing, hit post and it disappears. Then I write again and it posts twice. Makes me want to cut my throat. So here it is again. I am sort of a restless spirit. My inner landscape changes of its own accord and I have little control over it. My dreams change over the years. I grew up being taught to choose something in a life, a dream for the future, and make it happen, focus, specialize and master. This system does not work well for the curious free spirits who are not constant. I used to hate my changing self. I internalized all those negative connotations, jack of all trades master of none, flake, flibbitygibbet, dilettante. As I have gotten older, I reject the negativity and embrace that God make me an adventurer. I'm sort of like Auntie Mame, whose motto is, Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death! For me, I find a creative source, like a well with water. I draw from that well, sometimes for years, and then one day poof! The well is dry! So I grab my dousing wand and look for a new water vein to dig for water.For some 10,12 years I loved my religious studies and thrived. I was one of the best in my school. Then one day, poof! I could go no further. So my wand led me back to filmmaking. I started college in SF as a film student and I failed. I couldn't do the analysis, which came before the production. I did not want to analyze other peoples movies, I wanted to make my own, but the program was not geared for that. After RS, I discovered the film program in Redwood city, where they put a camera in your hand, day one. I tried again, and I loved it! I learned so much, every hat; cine, sound, editing, everything! But it shut down and I went indie, and poof! The water was gone. With out the passion I can't work. So the passion took me to thinking and writing about politics, which I enjoyed. Everything was Hope and Change and I was into it! I still like it, but nobody wants to move now, It's all stagnant and this depressed me and fills me with futility. I still write, but No one can agree, so it goes mostly nowhere. I have taken up sewing, lately, as a hobby because its fun and I have to learn and the creative possibilities are there. I am someone who needs to learn and grow constantly. When one pot gets too small, I transplant into a bigger one, because I need more water. Yes, I am unsettled if you look at it like it should all be a plan that has an end and make it happen. If you look at it another way, I am grounded in myself and flexible enough to change with the changes, and develop what I need in any situation. For me that is security, to be ready for anything that comes and to greet an unknown future with excitement and joy that I can handle anything, because I can learn and adapt. I am not so much an actor as a reactor. I bend myself to adapt to realities dream for me, not bend reality to adapt to my dreams. I don't think either one is right or wrong, just who one is. I think it is also a masculine/feminine difference, a yin/yang thing. I do short term goals and short projects best. Short papers, short films, essays etc. I am a sprinter, not a marathon runner when it comes to work. I am like the moon, in cycles, not the sun, constant. I'm tired of hating myself for being a moon in a sun world. I am what I am and as long as I grow and learn and am challenged I am happy. To me money is a means to an end. I work hard and pay for my fun. But it is also a question of time v. money. If I work all the time, I have money, but no time. If I work little, I have lots of time, little money. I like time, because its more precious. But I need money, too, of course. Like everyone I try to find the balance, and it shifts with age and circumstance. Business is bad now and my hours have been cut. Fortunately I have squirelled away some savings and for now can weather the drought. I guess my dream vehicle would be a kinetic sculpture or a Bond car; it needs to go over land and water, underwater and through the air. It needs guns and smoke screens and lots of gadgets and it should be arty, because thats the way I roll. I don't know what the future holds for me and like the excitement and uncertainty of that, the openness of life, the surprises are the fun part. That's why I have always chosen a job or a career. A job has more flexibility. I have many friends who are long haulers and I love and respect them, even am jealous at their constancy and all that they achieve. To rise to the top of ones field is an amazing achievement! I often wish I was more like that. But I can't shake the feeling that Life is dreaming me, not me dreaming life. No matter how hard I try, it feels like the future is already written, wound like spring that unfolds over time. Because of this, I tend to let things happen, let life happen as it feels written by someone from beyond. Each night I dream of today, next week, next year, so I know what will happen before it does. The Dreamer dreamed you into my world long before you appeared. I don't know why. I never thought of you before you came into my dreams. Maybe you dreamed of me. Maybe tonight I will dream that you go and that will be the end of this. I simply do not know. I know that it is hard to believe. I do not even believe it! It goes against all of my beliefs. I believe we choose, that we are in control. But that does not stop the dreams from coming true, now matter how I choose. I never said any of this before, because I thought you would think I was crazy. Maybe you will! Maybe you will think I am crazy and run away, I almost hope so, because this whole thing scares me silly. I once said Que Sera, Sera. What is coming will come and what is going will go. I do not have dreams for my future. My future has dreams for me. I will see them when they show. A lot is blank, and I fill in with choices, but still it leads to my Fate, no matter what. If you come, you come, if you go, you go. I can't fight it anymore, so I surrender to whatever is coming.

Are these messages getting through?

It occurred to me just now that my answer may have seemed vague and somewhat mystical. I imagined you in my mind saying, "Right, whatever, you must have some dreams for yourself. I don't buy it. Name something concrete. If you won the Lotto today, what would you do, today?" A concrete response: Today I would drop everything that I am doing and go to the Gulf and help clean in whatever capacity I could. That's my dream right now, at this moment. What I'm actually going to do right now is go Vote.

Good idea go vote! You have plenty of time. Everyone has to do something good for the world. The rest you will figure it out. It takes time to make lasting decisions and one may change a dozen times a day. What is good is that you are thinking about it. It is hard for me to think about myself because I am so busy right now. I admit I loved our Friday nights once a month with wine and cheese. We solved many problems and had such good friendships. We all had a goal. Nothing is stable right now but I have to keep in mind what my mentor would say if I explained the current situation. This all takes time for one to process then are your feelings good or bad. Maybe we have to do it over and over again. Please no regrets to spend years thinking about your life or anyone else for that matter. You have a special talent and I see you use it every day. I am sure it is for the good of people. It is nice to be paid for your talent. I have no regrets in my life and I am trying not to ever have any so I can't make a long lasting decision that involves other people. When one has the responsibility of children one mistake could cost a life. I would not want to live with that until I see the picture more clearly.