Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

I've been to several weddings where the bride or grooms parents were divorced and remarried. At all of these weddings, the second wife/husband takes a back seat in the photos/reception., The parents aren't expected to dance together, and at one of them they weren't even sitting together. But it's perfectly normal to have photos with the stepparent left out.

This woman's behavior was ridiculous and your father-in-law has lost his mind (or his balls) for putting up with her conduct. It shows a massive disregard for him, his feelings, and his family. Be there for your f-i-l, because he's in for some nasty disappointments.

LW1--"My husband is sad because his relationship with his dad has been compromised. I can see that Nancy has self-esteem and jealousy issues..." Says the pot to the kettle. In typical Bridezilla fashion, you expected your wedding to be a magical fairy tale experience during which all of your coiffed guests go through the day as picture perfect marionettes whose strings are pulled by you. It's a wedding my dear, not the coronation of the King of England. So what if the drama of real life spilled over into your carefully constructed fantasy wedding in the form of your father-in-law's ill-mannered, drama queen wife? Would it have killed you to let the woman stand in the damn photo? You do realize your photographer could have removed her from the picture later if he was worth even a fraction of what you likely paid him. 'Nancy' probably clashes with you so profoundly because you and she share more traits than you'll ever admit. Think about it. Instead of simmering about this laughable wedding day faux pas (and trust me, your friends were enjoying the show more than they'll dare let on because everyone hates frigid choreographed weddings) try to let it go for the sake of your husband. In fact, be the bigger person, as hard as that might be, to let your FIL and Nancy know that you're so over it. Your husband will appreciate your show of maturity and good faith.

LW2--"...my roommate recently informed me that she and some friends are planning a 21st birthday bash for me at which I'm expected to get quite intoxicated." You can either inform your roommate point blank that you're a confirmed tea totaler and that while you appreciate her enthusiasm for celebrating your twenty-first birthday with gusto, you're afraid you'll have to stick to virgin Bloody Mary's and O'Doul's. If this takes the wind out of your friends' sails, then offer to do something that's still fun but less focused on drinking like having a night out at the local male revue or hot dance club.

A wedding isn't about the future in-laws; it's about the bride and groom. First, the FIL's new wife was way out of line. When my daughter married, my ex, his wife and kids were all invited to the wedding; his son was made a junior usher and his two daughters were made junior bridesmaids. We chose to be inclusive rather than exclusive. My ex And his wife and I all sat at the head table; he danced with us both and photos were taken of him dancing with each of us (each parent had a small album prepared by the photographer that included photos that would be special to them). No one was obligated to buy all the photos that were taken; people who wanted specific photos that weren't included in the wedding couple's album or each parent's album could purchase their own - outside the package that had been purchased for the wedding couple.

Second, if the bride had been quick-thinking, she could have taken the photographer aside and asked that he pretend to take a photo that included the new wife in addition to the real photo of her immediate family; we opted to have a photo with ALL family included - probably because we were all on good terms.

LW1 -- The reason you wanted pictures of your wedding was to commemorate a happy coming together of your families - instead, you insisted on commemorating a very UNhappy event. You felt angry about your MILs response to your decision and so, rather than speaking to her about it personally, you wrote a letter to both she and her husband condemning their behavior. Both you and your MIL chose specific behaviors both on and after you're wedding day. It is presumptive of you to assume you know what emotion was driving your MIL's behavior, but it is quite clear from your letter that anger was the pure driving force in yours. The question is not if you did something wrong - the question is, how would your MIL have responded if your behavior had, instead, been driven by love -- not for your husband, or for your imagined ideal of how your MIL should have responded, but for you MIL herself, as a complex human being in a difficult situation? You can choose to grow wiser from this situation, but only if you change your approach. I hope that you will.

LW2: I say you tell them point blank that you are not a drinker nor do you ever want to be one and then tell them why. If STILL insist on taking you out, you can either go and drink non-alcoholic drinks, keeping a close eye on your drink to make sure no one spikes it, or leave town for your birthday. Call your friends after you leave, to let them know so they won't worry or just tell them in the first place that you already HAVE plans out of town. They don't really want to have a party for you, but for themselves or they would be listening to your wishes.

GrovvyChick, Nancy isn't the MIL because she isn't the groom's mother. She's the groom's father's new (incredibly bad mannered) wife which makes her a step-mother-in-law, if anything. Why would she try to talk to her about her behavior instead of "writing a letter to she" ? Nancy already proved by her shouting "this is bullsh*t!" and ragging at her new husband that she's not a person who can be talked to reasonably about anything that touches on her own failings. Shocked should just be glad she had enough of a dose of this woman to keep her distance in the future.
Just want to add support to LW3 - and for the luva Pete! Stop apologizing for not wanting to drink! Why would anyone care about hurting the feelings of people whose idea of a "good time" is making drunken asses of themselves and then hugging the toilet? It seems to me that people who try to peer pressure others into drinking already know that their own behavior is questionable and are looking for more company to validate what they're doing.

LW1-
First things first - no, you didn't do anything wrong. Your MIL and FIL were expected to stand in the picture as mother and father of the groom, not as a married couple, which, as your photographer informed you, is standard procedure.

I would just seek cover and weather the storm, and adopt and wait-and-see attitude, if I were your husband. His relationship with his father has not been compromised. What is being compromised is Nancy's marriage because of her childish, irrational, controlling and self-centred behaviour: the fact that he apologised is the indication he knows just how out of line Nancy was, and he's the one subjected to her hissy fits right now.

I'll be curious to see how long it will take for your FIL to start finding Nancy's diva tantrums more a turn-off than her sweet, young body is a turn-on (sorry if I'm assuming, but it doesn't sound like she's very old)...

@Chris
I think you're forgetting a very important point here: Her HUSBAND was the one who wanted that picture taken the way he wanted it. Not her. Why are you blaming her for this?

And I see no indication that she's simmering, just puzzled and wondering if she did anything wrong.

LW2-
"Is there a polite way to inform these people that they are welcome to get drunk at my party, but it's not what I choose to do?"

What's wrong with what you just said? Seems fine to me. If they push, tell them you don't like the taste of alcohol or the feeling of being drunk and DON'T want it for yourself, and that's final.

You might want to consider telling them the real reason. If they keep insisting after THAT, they're just university buddies and not your friends, and you should stay away from them, because there is no telling what they are capable of in their bid to "convert" you. Spend your birthday with someone else who respects you, and kudos for your rare wisdom.

P.S.: Happy birthday!

So... being annoyed that a grown woman pitched a temper tantrum (including cussing in front of children) is being a bridezilla? Hardly.

And how should they have responded to a woman's whose response to something that offends her is to throw a screaming FIT at someone else's joyous event?

Nancy is a selfish brat and the groom needs to tell dad to call him when he takes his balls back from the woman. There is nothing wrong with the bride and groom having a picture taken with the groom's PARENTS and his siblings.

I wonder if Nancy was the other woman in the breakup.

Re Haley: Margo's suggestion is well-intentioned but it won't work for the hard-core drinkers. Saying that you don't like the taste will only ensure a "Here, Try This!" marathon.
If you want to stay friends with them despite their over the top drinking, you have to give them a reason that won't make them feel as if you can be changed with the proper input, or worse, that you're taking the high road while they're on the low.
I know a lot of people your age, and the solution doesn't seem to have changed much since my day. There are only two things that work without hurting and are undeniably unchangeable by those who are interested in your welfare.
One is the brave but possibly mutually-educational route: "Sorry, but alcoholism runs in my family and I just don't want to go there." The other is a gentler but still true statement, phrased only a little more carefully: "Sorry, I can't drink. Any kind of alcohol makes me seriously ill (after which, my comedian granddaughter adds "and YOU'D have to drive me to the hospital!)."
Please be careful at the party anyway, though. There's always at least one psycho who will try to spike your drink just to prove you're wrong or lying.

LW2: Stick to your guns honey. When I was twenty-one, I went to a lovely dinner with my best girlfriend and my parents at my favorite restaurant. I had one glass of wine with dinner. Over the next 9 months, I did not go to bars and I had no idea what to order in one.

A friend took me to a bar and ordered a gin and tonic and I ordered the same. We had a total of three there and I began to feel sick. So we stopped drinking and ordered food, because I hate hate hate throwing up.

In high school I witnessed my sister and her friend throwing up in the yards of the parties they went to. I was so embarrassed for them. They threw up in their hair, on their shoes, on other friends and all of this in front of cute guys. I never drank. I was almost always the designated driver. It made people uncomfortable around me until they realized I could take care of them if they got in trouble.

My father was a young officer on a ship in the early sixties. On one ship, his Captain was an alcoholic who never drank at sea but once on shore would drink himself into oblivion. One night, before maneuvers the next day, the Captain was at the officers club and passed out and slipped under the table. Nobody noticed. At four am, the Captain came to and could not get out of the "O" club. The civilian base police managed to deliver him quietly back to the ship before the Admiral came on board. The other officers and my father worked feverishly to sober him up and get him ready for their tests. They barely made it. This one incident had the potential to destroy all their careers. After that, the junior officers formed a "watch". One of them had to abstain from alcohol for the evening and keep an eye on the Captain. This was done without the Captains knowledge and served all of them well during their years in the Navy.

On my twenty-fifth birthday, my so-called friends took me out for a birthday celebration. They ordered a total of seven drinks for me and I knew better, but I drank them. In the space of about two hours. The worst was a drink called a "Vulcan Mind Screw" and it was two shots of peppermint schnaaps and two shots of 150 proof rum. Straight up, no ice. It tasted worse than NyQuil. I was about 100 pounds at the time and had never done that before. Luckily my date for the evening watched me for signs of alcohol poisoning and even held my hair back as I threw up, washed my face and then I agreed to have sex with him, WHY I don't know. Why he wanted to is beyond me as well. I was hung over for two days and missed two full days of classes. Never, never again. And also, I knew better than to do this.

Here are some guidelines for you,

Never accept a drink from someone you don't know. Don't back down and don't apologize. Wear a t-shirt that says, "I don't accept drinks, don't buy me one." Have it on the BACK of the shirt, not over your bosom.

Don't take care of more than one drunk at a time. They can turn on you.

Tell people you have a no alcohol policy. Tell them a DUI costs an average of $5000. Tell them you are considering becoming a nun. Tell them only a sip of alcohol makes you take off all your clothes and climb the walls. Turn it into a humorous reason.

Join a church group. They tend to have activities that don't involve alcohol, drugs or sex. Every campus has at least one.

I was on a tight budget in college and limited myself to ONE drink.

Finally, I quit going to bars. Preferring instead to go out to movies or a meal on dates. I fell in love with staying home, watching a good movie with a bowl of ice cream and waking up the next morning refreshed.

Going to bars means: spending at least $10. Your hair stinks the next morning of cigarettes. Your feet are sore from wearing high heels. Your sleep schedule is disrupted and don't forget, alcohol is a high calorie beverage.

You are not stuck. Cool people follow their own instincts, not the crowd.

Chris, it's spelled "teetotaler." The word has nothing to do with tea or any beverage; the "tee" is there simply for emphasis.

And you were way too hard on LW1. As Lise said, the photo that got Nancy bent out of shape was of the bride, the groom, and his family, his parents and brothers. Nancy didn't belong in that photo, and a less-insecure stepmother would have realized that and not made a mountain out of a molehill.

@ Lise Brouillette

Actually I designed my post regarding LW1 purely to bait you. My hat's off to you for not lashing out in one of your usual "why are you blaming the victim" tirades laden with personal attacks. Your cool and level-headed response gives me hope that you can, in fact, be reasoned with. Cheerio love.

LW2: I know it's a white lie, but what always works for me is "I'm sorry. I can't drink. My doctor says it's not allowed with the medications I take." There are literally hundreds of medications that cannot or should not be taken with alcohol, including tylenol. A friend of mine doesn't drink because she doesn't eat anything processed, or drink anything other than water(or ingest any substances of any kind). Another friend is classified as "allergic" to alcohol because of his extreme reaction to the substance. Personally, alcohol makes me very sick, and it doesn't really matter what kind it is. If you need an excuse(as is occasionally the case to avoid offending someone who has gone to a lot of trouble to put together a party), it's easy to pick from them.
If you're willing to weather the questions and insistent "but one doesn't matter" comments, you can stick to your guns and say you simply don't care for alcohol. One does not need alcohol to make a party enjoyable. I was 8 months pregnant on my 21st birthday, and had a fine time with friends despite not drinking.

LW2: I know it's a white lie, but what always works for me is "I'm sorry. I can't drink. My doctor says it's not allowed with the medications I take." There are literally hundreds of medications that cannot or should not be taken with alcohol, including tylenol. A friend of mine doesn't drink because she doesn't eat anything processed, or drink anything other than water(or ingest any substances of any kind). Another friend is classified as "allergic" to alcohol because of his extreme reaction to the substance. Personally, alcohol makes me very sick, and it doesn't really matter what kind it is. If you need an excuse(as is occasionally the case to avoid offending someone who has gone to a lot of trouble to put together a party), it's easy to pick from them.
If you're willing to weather the questions and insistent "but one doesn't matter" comments, you can stick to your guns and say you simply don't care for alcohol. One does not need alcohol to make a party enjoyable. I was 8 months pregnant on my 21st birthday, and had a fine time with friends despite not drinking.

LW#2: If anyone questions you about not drinking alcohol you could reply with something along the lines of "Turning 21 is a memorable time in a persons life, I just want to make sure I actually can remember it afterwards."
Hope you have a great Birthday!!

LW2: This falls under the category of various letters that ask "How do I explain..." "How do I tell my mother that I don't like her snooping", etc. There's no how or why, you just do it. Since you're turning 21, it's a good time to own your adulthood and say that you are not drinking, sorry. And I don't believe it's all that OK with you if your friends get drunk at your own party either. Just say you would appreciate an alcohol free party, and you should be allowed to call the shots. When others accuse you of being no fun, you tell them exactly what you said about your father's alcoholism etc.
I realize that will seem like extremely odd behavior in an atmosphere of fun college life (I didn't drink either), but what's the alternative? Saying it doesn't mix with your medication? Sneaking water into a gin bottle? If your friends are disgusted and steer clear of you after that, do you really think you'll never find any friends who are as mature as you? Pretty doubtful.

LW2: Let's clarify, first, that these "friends" aren't really "friends" in the mature, truest sense of the word. They are more comfortable pressuring you to make the same choices they did than they are respecting choices you've made for your own valid reasons.

I say that not to condemn them as horrible people (I think it's probably the norm rather than the exception in your age group) but to show you why they can't just let this go, and to expect it.

I would suggest you celebrate your birthday the weekend BEFORE with your friends -- you make a cake or bring them cupcakes, or flower to brighten the apartment, or take THEM to a movie. And then you explain to them that you are fine with them throwing a party, but YOU WILL NOT BE THERE because this is not something you are comfortable with. And that just as you value and respect them for who they are and wouldn't dream of trying to change their views on religion, sex, politics or fashion (!) , you expect them to accept who you are and not pressure you to change -- because that's part of what makes people friends.

LW1: Hon, you KNOW you and your husband were in the right here. Your husband is hurting not because he damaged his dad's new marriage, but because his dad chose a poor mate. If it hadn't been your wedding, it would've been something else causing her to flip out.

Don't try to fix this; you can't. All you can do is remain polite and refuse to engage if she baits you at future gatherings.* Practice this: "Nancy, we're sorry you still aren't able to accept this was not intended as a personal insult." And CHANGE the subject. Repeat as needed.

*And hope that your father-in-law insists on counseling that will either make her realize how poor her behavior was or else help him realize life is way too short to go through life shackled to someone like Nancy. If your FIL indicates to your or your husband that Nancy continues to scream at him, it's worth suggesting that counseling can be helpful when a couple seems to be at an impasse.

LW2: Make some plans of your own, find a play, a concert, etc. Choose 1 friend and buy the ticket. I get so tired of kids who get bullied into doing things in the name of peer pressure, or NOT wanting to hurt their friends' feelings. They don't care about yours.
Do you know how many college students over the last 5 years in the state of MN have died due to alcohol poisoning--partying for their birthdays, pleasing their friends? Poetic justice after the fact of the funerals and investigations is there are a great number of 'friends' now charged in some form of the death. Bars in MN have been put on notice via the legislature laws that they will be held responsible as well. Minnesota is at the top of the charts in binge drinking. Gone are the bars doing 'specials' all you can drink weekends, etc. THEIR insurance companies have dropped them, jail time added to absolute behavior.
Some students get into cars and drive, creating deadly accidents. There have been drownings--kids walking from the bar to their dorm. Many college campus' in MN are along many of the rivers in the state. After a time, their bodies float to the surface. Evidence of where they go in is not where they come out.
Even adults at functions in homes are now charged with alcohol served to underage. If anything happens to a youth who had been there, the conviction rate is very high with jail time.
Would you let your friends play with loaded guns, aiming at you. NO. Same thing, just as fatal. Stand strong. It is your life you will be saving.

Re: Chris

I belive that some photos were taken WITH Nancy in them. There is nothing wrong with taking a few without Nancy, and that doesn't make the bride a "bridezilla". Did you even consider that this the the photo that the GROOM wanted?

Haley: Yes, there's a polite way to tell them, and, of course, you have demonstrated that you already know how to do this, not only by the fact that your letter already has the exact wording (you are welcome to get drunk at my party, but it's not what I choose to do). The problem, of course, is that being polite isn't going to cut it when your own friends are hellbent on getting you drunk. If you haven't already explained to them your very real issues with alcohol (alcoholism runs in your family, and you have an addictive personality), not is a good time to explain this to them. If they are REAL friends, this will be enough for them. They may well still want to have a party and still want to serve alcohol, but if they are REAL friends, they will no longer be hellbent on getting you drunk.

I, too, spent my entire college career not drinking. Like you, I didn't care if other people drank, but I had no desire to drink myself. The primary reason, to be perfectly honest, was that I didn't like the taste of alcohol, so I saw no reason to "learn to like" something that 1) was against the law for me to have, 2) represented empty calories (and lots of them), 3) cost money (why spend money on something you don't like?) and 4) I'm one of those people who needs NO HELP making an @$$ of myself (I was one of those people who would get up on a table and start dancing -- while stone cold sober -- seriously, the last thing I needed was some "liquid courage").

But there was also a secondary reason: every woman on my mom's side of the family (with a few exceptions, most notably my mother and me) is an alcoholic. With genes like that, why risk it? Even though this secondary reason may sound far more compelling than the aforementioned reasons, to be honest, I wasn't all that worried about it. Still, I would occasionally pull it out when I came across someone who just wouldn't give it up when trying to give me a drink.
Here's the thing you need to remember: there's a REASON they want you to drink. And interestingly, the primary reason has nothing to do with you having a good time, or even making it easier to sleep with you (though there's plenty of that out there, too). The primary reason someone continues to insist on trying to get you to drink, even after you have declined and even gone so far as to explain your reasons, is that they don't feel good about their own choices related to alcohol, and you remind them of that every time you don't drink. If they can get you to drink, their own choices are vindicated, and they no longer have the sober person standing there as a reminder.

When I was in college and wasn't drinking. There were several general responses when I said "no thanks." The healthiest response was when someone would just shrug and say, "OK," and that was the end of that. The person who responds that way is at peace with his/her own choice and was only offering you a drink to be friendly. That person doesn't have any sort of "vested interest" in you drinking, so they really don't care one way or the other.

Then there were the people who kept trying to insist. To be honest, I didn't run into too many of these, but when I did, it always turned out to be the most immature of people, and it was clear that they were uncomfortable if I wasn't drinking. Why? Again, because I served as a reminder that it's actually VERY EASY to "just say no."

Then there were the people who got all sappy about it, saying "how cool" it was that I wasn't drinking and acting all amazed at my self control. To be honest, I felt almost as sorry for these people as I did for the ones who got obnoxious about insisting over and over -- because obviously, if they're so "amazed" and think what I'm doing is "so cool" then they must wish they could do it, too -- in other words, they know they haven't made the right choice for themselves and are not comfortable with it.

Honestly, the vast majority of people I met in college couldn't have cared less whether I was drinking or not. If anything, most were thrilled to have a designated driver they could trust really would abstain.

Ironically enough, when I got older and had more money, I could afford to try more expensive wines, and I discovered that I DO like good wine paired with a well-cooked meal (in fact, I'm going to a wine-tasting dinner tonight!). So, I never drank in college or high school, but I do drink now. But even now, at the age of 40, I can count on one hand the number of times I have been intoxicated, because I don't drink to get drunk -- I drink to enhance the dining experience.

Re: Maggie Lawrence
I understand that you disagree, and there have certainly been times in my own life when I wished my outlook was more like your own. That being said, it seems that the author and her husband are unhappy with the result of the decisions they made regarding the photo and the letter. I don't think suggesting an alternative approach is invalid. Personally, I find that speaking to someone in person about a problem is most likely to resolve an issue and help both parties understand where the other is coming from, and I think that's important in any relationship. I also think it's important to come from - if possible - a place of love (or at least common humanity), when trying to unravel a contentious situation.

@Kelle, apparently Chris has no problem with deliberately falsifying his opinion of the LWs in order to "bait" other commenters here (ie, he likes to play mind-games with people); accordingly, it's probably wisest to take anything he says with a grain of salt in the future.

LW1: since dozens and dozens and dozens of pictures are taken, with all combinations of people, Nancy's tantrum at one specific set of pictures, requested by your husband (and when she WAS included in other pictures), was completely, totally, 100% out of line.

YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. SHE WAS A COMPLETE SELF-CENTERED IMMATURE BRAT.

You and your husband deserve the apology, and frankly, your husband's father knows this. Stand your ground. Your wedding was about you, not Nancy, and all she did was create drama in order to shift the attention and focus on her.

LW2: Good for you! Now, don't feel bad if you decide you feel differently at, say, 25 or 30, but for now, stick to your guns. If your friends absolutely cannot be reasoned with, you might try talking to the bartender or host/hostess at whatever bar/restaurant you all go to, and quietly ask to make sure that you get nothing but non-alcoholic drinks, even if your friends insist on buying alcohol for you. Many bartenders get these kinds of requests and can even make cocktails that look authentic but are nothing but a combo of fruit juices and fizzy water.

And happy birthday!

LW1 -- No, you were not wrong in requesting that photo, and yes, Nancy was an ill-mannered boor -- but you already know that. So, the real problem, here, is that you are asking the wrong question. The question you SHOULD be asking -- and it's the one so many of us are seeking to answer even though you didn't ask it -- is what you should do now. If all you wanted was confirmation that you were right, well, good news, you were. But being right doesn't solve the problem you now have, which is that your FIL is in a seriously uncomfortable situation, and it is having an impact on your husband's relationship with his father. This is not good and has NOTHING to do with you being right. So, even though I agree with everyone who suggested Nancy is a selfish, immature b!tch, I'm going to come down on YOU for being more concerned about being right, Right, RIGHT than about how to resolve this situation.

Does Nancy deserve an apology from you? Of course not. Then again, does your husband deserve to have a significant dent put in his relationship with his father? Of course not. Does squeezing an apology out of Nancy fix anything? Nope, and it's not going to happen.

But would YOU deciding to be the bigger person potentially make a big difference and help repair this situation? YES! So, perhaps that is where your focus needs to be. Tell your FIL you are sorry that all these bad feelings are out there (note that I'm not suggesting you take any blame for creating them -- you're just sorry that they exist...and you ARE sorry they exist, aren't you?) and that you don't want this to be the reason for any problems between the father and son. Then ask him what he thinks would be the best way for everyone to move past all this. This accomplishes one or more of the following:

1) Husband and FIL see that you are a mature, sensible wife and DIL who wants what is best for her husband and FIL and who wants to be part of the solution (more than she wants to be right)
2) You, hubby and FIL work together to come up with a solution for moving everyone forward, you try it, and it works
3) FIL concedes there is no workable solution and is compelled to see that there is only one person standing in the way of all this, and that's his own wife

If 1 and 2 happen, everyone moves forward, and everyone wins. If 1 and 3 happen, you come out smelling like a rose, Nancy looks like a total b!tch, and FIL has serious food for thought about what life is going to be like continuing to live with her.

@Chris
Now I know for sure you have a nice job and time on your hands to devote to a hobby. If you were self-employed and struggling like I am, you sure would have other things to do but to "pretend" this or that just to bait someone.

LW 2 - I'm in my 50's and a non-drinker since my early 20's. I've always found humor to be the best response. For instance, if someone asks why I don't drink, I respond, in mock horror, "SOMEONE has to be sober enough to work the camera." Or, "I'm pretending to be virtuous." Both have always gotten a laugh or positive feedback.

Good luck. You're got a good head on your shoulders.

As a perennial non-drinker since college (I also don't like the taste), I find that the more casually you answer when asked if you want an alcoholic beverage, the less people react to your response IF they are reasonable people. "Hey, want a beer/margarita/whatever?" "Nah, I'm good for now. Thanks," works about 98% of the time. You can also tell them "No thanks, I'm driving later." This will work 98% of the time as well. Nobody but a complete idiot will suggest you have a drink anyway when you've already said no and/or mentioned driving later. If you DO run into a complete idiot, just say, "I just said no. NO." and walk away. You don't need to be polite to the idiots. I agree that most people don't care if you drink or not (if you don't, more for them!) and are happy to have a DD in the house.

For the people you DO know well, I'd just tell them that alcoholism runs in your family and you don't want to take any chances ending up like that, so you're skipping the booze. 98% of the time, they will understand completely (some of them might even have an alcoholic relative and can relate). The rest, who think you should try drinking anyway when you've already said "no" and mentioned your genetic tendency toward alcoholism, are complete idiots. See above on how to handle the idiots.

This stage of life will only last as long as you're in college. Once you graduate, you have more built-in excuses, the #1 being "I have to work tomorrow" and as everyone grows up and realizes being hung over and spending a ton of money on alcohol actually kinda sucks, the pressure will ease accordingly and the focus will switch from "Let's go out and get hammered" to "Let's go out because I've been cooped up in the office all week". So you'll go out and have a beer with your dinner and then go home. (Personally, I think this is a lot more fun than "clubbing" ever was.) Yes, some people never escape the frat house and insist on getting drunk every week and acting like morons. These are the complete idiots from your college days, now 10-20 years older. They're still complete idiots. Treat them accordingly.

@liminade -- well said!