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Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I …Read more.
Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
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Multiple Choices
Dear Margo: I'm a 25-year-old male, and sometimes I cannot get an erection with my longtime significant other. What is the cause? Also, I have a hairy chest. I've tried waxing, but that's too painful. Should I get laser hair removal? Shave? Live like a bear? I also use marijuana every day. Are there any side effects that I should be aware of? — Man with Questions
Dear Man: You're kidding, right? On the off chance that you believe me to be the fount of all knowledge, I thank you for the compliment and suggest the following: For question No. 1, you should explore this with either a urologist or a therapist. These things can be physical or mental. Regarding No. 2, if you find an advice columnist who steers you toward laser, shaving, or continuing in a hirsute state, do let me know. As to No. 3, the answer is yes, and I suggest you research what they are. — Margo, variously
New Life, Different Country
Dear Margo: I'm 33 and met my husband three years ago in, of all things, an online game. He came to see me in New York, and when I visited him the next month in Winnipeg, we eloped. I'm close to my parents, who say they are happy for me. I went back to New York for a month to pack and give notice to my employer, tie up loose ends, etc., and then I moved to Canada.
My husband has a severely autistic child from a previous relationship who will be 9 next month. My stepson stays with us every weekend. I love this child as my own, but I miss my parents and siblings, who are 1,500 miles away. My husband knows I'm unhappy here (especially the winters), but I don't know how to approach the possibly of moving back to the U.S. It's come up, but the issue is with his son and our future kids. I realize it's unfair to ask him to move or to ask for custody.
We would like a child of our own, but I hesitate because I'm so far from my family that they couldn't see our baby grow up, or even visit. My mother has MS and is in poor health overall, and my parents are retiring this year to Florida. They've never been able to visit. We've gone to see them twice, but we were unable to bring my stepson (his mother was against it).
I feel unable to explain this rationally to anyone. Can I find a way to not feel guilty about starting our own family so far away from my folks? Skype and pictures just don't seem the same for family moments. I really have no one else to run this by. — In a Bind
Dear In: I hope you can accept and get comfortable with the realities of your situation. Your stepson will not be able to move, and your folks are unable to come for visits. I see no reason for guilt about starting a family with your parents in the U.S. I would give Skype a try. I know many situations where it really is the next best thing to being there. You might also consider going alone (or with a future child) for a few weeks to visit your parents perhaps twice a year. Bag the guilt, and buy a parka. — Margo, independently
Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2011 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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16 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-- (Q1) You're bored with your long-term squeeze or you're spending too much time with Mary Jane. Either drop MJ or Get a hot new girlfriend. (Q2) Don't wax your chest unless you want women to think you're gay. I'm all for a little hedge trimming where appropriate but don't mow down the entire forest. If you're so self-conscious about your hairy chest that you're considering thousands of dollars in laser treatments then perhaps you have your answer as to why little willy is having performance anxiety with your lady. (Q3) One side effect I can think of off the top of my head is loss of libido. Do I really need to go into others?
LW2--It seems as though you didn't fully consider all the implications of eloping to Canada. Nevertheless, what's done is done. As Margo has pointed out, there's no easy solution to your conundrum that won't upend your autistic step-son or indeed your husband. Your biggest issue, it seems is being long-distance from your family. That's why airliners and the Internet were invented. My advice is to have a computer geek set you and your folks up so that you can video skype as effortlessly as possible. Also, I urge you all to get on FaceBook so that you can feel closer to everyone and they to you. I would also go ahead and start your family. Trust me, there are millions of long-distance grandparents in the world who do just fine with photos, home movies, and frequent telephone calls. Isn't technology grand? As for the Winnipeg winters, you have my sympathies. If I never see another snow flake in my life it will be too soon! Good luck!
Comment: #1
Posted by: Chris
Fri Dec 30, 2011 5:01 AM
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LW2-GROW UP!!! Pull up your big girl panties and act your age! You chose to elope. You chose to move away. If you're old enough to make those choices, you're old enough to act like an adult and start a family without Mommy and Daddy's approval or proximity. The rest of the world can cope with having a family and not living next door to mom and dad, what's your problem?!?!?!? You sound like a 12 year old. I pity your poor husband because it looks like you'll never be able to cut the apron strings and be a true "adult" wife to him. If you want to live closer to your parents, do the right thing-divorce the poor guy and give him the opportunity to marry a REAL woman, not a little girl who just wants to play house!!!!
Comment: #2
Posted by: beth
Fri Dec 30, 2011 6:40 AM
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Re: beth Wow! Finish your morning coffee and try again when you're in a better mood. WOW!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Penny
Fri Dec 30, 2011 6:49 AM
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LW2-GROW UP!!! Pull up your big girl panties and act your age! You chose to elope. You chose to move away. If you're old enough to make those choices, you're old enough to act like an adult and start a family without Mommy and Daddy's approval or proximity. The rest of the world can cope with having a family and not living next door to mom and dad, what's your problem?!?!?!? You sound like a 12 year old. I pity your poor husband because it looks like you'll never be able to cut the apron strings and be a true "adult" wife to him. If you want to live closer to your parents, do the right thing-divorce the poor guy and give him the opportunity to marry a REAL woman, not a little girl who just wants to play house!!!!
Comment: #4
Posted by: beth
Fri Dec 30, 2011 6:56 AM
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@ Chris. Funny, but reading the letter, I just assumed LW1 was a gay guy. I like Margo's answer.
LW2 - I agree with Chris. It seems like you have not thought through the details of moving 1500 miles away from your parents (and more, once they move to FL) and marrying a man who could not move because of family obligations. But it seems like Skype is one of your better options. Since Skype-to-Skype calls are free, you can do those as often as suits your needs.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Ariana
Fri Dec 30, 2011 7:38 AM
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LW1 -- discuss your daily use of mj with your doctor/urologist. From personal experience with several potheads, daily use of marijuana has a very negative affect on guys' sexual performance. For some, they can't get an erection; for others, they can't maintain it. And in the case of my ex (which is what I hope you'll become for your SO's sake), he couldn't orgasm unless he had at least a full hour to devote to sex -- and it wasn't erotic, 'tantric' style either -- it was just a frustrating 60 minute-plus struggle. UGH. It's not your SO, it's YOU.
Comment: #6
Posted by: deb
Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:09 AM
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RE: LW1 -- I think Margo best summed it up when she asked, "you're kidding, right?" I'm convinced this was a fake letter, and Margo knew it but answered it because she thought people would get a kick out of it. If it's real, then there's a very simple answer to all three questions: grow up and quit the MJ, you big loser. I know this makes me sound almost as mean as beth was in her response to LW2, but seriously, if the guy's for real, he's an idiot.
LW2 -- Despite some of the vitriol you're getting BTL, the basic message across the board has been the same. You either need to grow up and accept that your choices have consequences and learn to live with those consequences, or you need to get a divorce and start over. I'm betting neither of those choices sounds all that appealing -- well, sorry about your luck, but that's one of the consequences. As someone who lives rather far away from her parents and just had a baby, I do understand why you feel the way you do. Skype just isn't the same, but it's better than nothing. Again, you have choices here. Make yours and be at peace with whatever it is.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:27 AM
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@ Ariana
"Funny, but reading the letter, I just assumed LW1 was a gay guy."
Upon re-reading the letter, I think you might be onto something there! Good catch! ;-P
Comment: #8
Posted by: Chris
Fri Dec 30, 2011 8:42 AM
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LW2: Let me ask you this: If you had met and married a man in New York, would you have followed your parents to FL when they retired? If so, you need to reevaluate your relationship with them.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Shannon
Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:30 AM
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LW2: I've lived in several countries and met a lot of expatriates and homesick people. The expats who were happy living in a foreign country were the ones who made sure they got what they needed. For instance, a wife told me she had subscriptions to her favorite magazines from back home, and she took her children to visit her family twice a year. Trips and airmail subscriptions are not cheap, but were part of the basic budget for this couple. That's what they needed for the peace of mind and the happiness of their family.
You too can decide what you really need -- never mind what anyone else thinks -- and set up your lives so that you are content, look forward to the family trips, and be a force for good in your new community.
On the other hand, please be honest with yourself and your husband before you have a child. If you feel that you cannot adapt to your husband's community, cannot overcome the homesickness, cannot make the important compromises for husband and stepson, then do everyone a favor and end the marriage.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Claude
Fri Dec 30, 2011 12:42 PM
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Re: Ariana
I got the same vibe. We also don't know the race involved - some Black men are not comfortable having a hairy chest.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Dec 30, 2011 9:59 PM
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LW1: The pot has melted your brain obviously. (1) Some guys have issues in the ED department, you are one of them. Yes go to doctor, find out what is going on. (2) Leave your hair alone. Just like men who either prefer a naked crotch on women or a hairy one, some women like a hairy chest (I know I do, it is the one thing I miss as my husband who has very little body hair), though not into the hairy back....leave the chest hair alone, it is sexy for most women, think Sean Connery, (3) cut out the pot, or at least cut down to 1-2 x a week, you don't sound too bright, and did you ever think being stoned may be affecting your ability to perform?
LW2: You obviously did not think things thru when you ran off with this guy. As they say you made your bed now lie in it. You are stuck I would say. Either do the visits like Margo suggests and learn to live with it, or eventually you will leave your husband and his son as you are tied to your mom and dad the idea that grandparents have to grow up near their grandchildren. We actually moved away from ours.....way too much closeness on their part, now we see them 1-3 months, much, much better than every day to once a week for us. I was very close to my parents though and made a point of visiting them 4-6 times a year, now down to about 2 x a year but that is mainly due to work, kids activiities, and the death of my mom who I was very close to, and my dad remarrying. Nothing stays the same. You have some fairytale image of how life will be, grow up, at 33 you should know better. If you insist on moving back to the U.S. you will make him miserable, like you are now, either reach a compromise or end your marriage now before you have kids because all I see is divorce in your future.
Comment: #12
Posted by: L
Sat Dec 31, 2011 6:15 AM
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Re: Claude
This is superb advice. I moved to Japan over 30 years ago to study, and have since worked, married, and raised a child here. While my parents were alive I made sure to visit the US twice a year, not only so that they could see me and, later, my child, but also so that I could maintain my ties with my old friends and surroundings. Living as a person with more than one country is a delicate business - keeping connected to the country you grew up in is important for your own emotional nourishment, but you must also have a reason to be in your new country other than your husband and his child. Study up on Canada, your province and community; engage yourself with others. Your home is wherever you create it.
Comment: #13
Posted by: lemuret
Sun Jan 1, 2012 4:48 PM
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Growing up, my parents had moved 300 and 400 miles (then a day away by car or train) from their families for job reasons. Family visits were very special, and I left many good memories. I spent parts of many sunners with cousins, and folks often came out for our summer camping trips. I am still very close to most of the cousins, nieces and nephews even though we never lived in the same towns, and recently a cousin from one side of my family went to a funeral for a relative on the other side with me because he had gotten to know these folks at our place as kids. Now I have a cousin's family in the local area, and I don't see them much more than the out-of-town relatives; in fact, we mostly get together when one of us has visiting relatives.
I have some grandkids in the same town, and some that aren't. Both my sons have just spent Christmas out of state with their inlaws, and we are having our family Christmas tomorrow. Their kids have the advantage, as I did, of becoming acquianted with different parts of the country and different subcultures. My own siblings and I wound up in almost all four corners of the country, and I had the advantage of visiting interesting places with local guides, and hosting family in our area. Now, most of my Facebook friends are family from all over the country. and I feel fortunate to have family in so many interesting places. Ot's been an adventure to introduce my grandkids to a variety of places and people that they are connected to, and I once heard one of my sons tell someone that he really appreciated being a member of a local family and also two more families from other parts of the world--like having three home towns. Make it an adventure!
Comment: #14
Posted by: partsmom
Sun Jan 1, 2012 4:50 PM
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Growing up, my parents had moved 300 and 400 miles (then a day away by car or train) from their families for job reasons. Family visits were very special, and I left many good memories. I spent parts of many sunners with cousins, and folks often came out for our summer camping trips. I am still very close to most of the cousins, nieces and nephews even though we never lived in the same towns, and recently a cousin from one side of my family went to a funeral for a relative on the other side with me because he had gotten to know these folks at our place as kids. Now I have a cousin's family in the local area, and I don't see them much more than the out-of-town relatives; in fact, we mostly get together when one of us has visiting relatives.
I have some grandkids in the same town, and some that aren't. Both my sons have just spent Christmas out of state with their inlaws, and we are having our family Christmas tomorrow. Their kids have the advantage, as I did, of becoming acquianted with different parts of the country and different subcultures. My own siblings and I wound up in almost all four corners of the country, and I had the advantage of visiting interesting places with local guides, and hosting family in our area. Now, most of my Facebook friends are family from all over the country. and I feel fortunate to have family in so many interesting places. Ot's been an adventure to introduce my grandkids to a variety of places and people that they are connected to, and I once heard one of my sons tell someone that he really appreciated being a member of a local family and also two more families from other parts of the world--like having three home towns. Make it an adventure!
Comment: #15
Posted by: partsmom
Sun Jan 1, 2012 4:50 PM
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Re: lemuret & partsmom
Thats was also superb!
Comment: #16
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Mon Jan 2, 2012 12:04 PM
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