Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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The original 'Your Husband' was the first letter on 21 October 2012.

There were responses published on 15 December 2012, 5 & 30 January 2013, 15 February 2013 and 7 March 2013.

LW 1 If your dad' goes ballistic' when he can't reach you, maybe he has some fear. Maybe he has a health issue, or fears one down the line and needs to know that you would respond. Our kids never answer the phone. We have to e-mail them, and we do fear that in case of an accident or heart attack no one could reach them. Plus our poor dogs would be without food, water or access to the outdoors.

LW3 I wonder if you had a good sex life early in the marriage? If a woman is left unsatisfied enough times she just shuts down. Or have you become lazy about satisfying her? Check that before you complain about "secret rules"

LW1 I`m going to tell you the same think I tell my husband....... your parents have no control over how you feel or respond to them. Only you do. If they push your buttons then you are allowing them to do so. Turn your phone on vibrate and then don`t answer it if you don`t want to. Calling for a quick check in every day or so is fine but make it quick. If when you are talking to them they say something to irritate you then make an excuse and get off the phone. You are an adult and not a child so behave like one.

LW3 How has your sex life been throughout your married life? Have you ever really noticed what your wife has thought of it versus just what you have thought? Have you ever considered that just perhaps you are not a good lover? If that is true and your wife has put up with a mediocre sex life for 27 years then maybe she just might really love you but at this stage in life doesn`t really want to chase something that she realizes isn`t going to change. As women approach menopause, let alone go through it, our sexual responses change and in some cases become more difficult. Maybe it has become too much for her? What else is going on in your lives at this point? Perhaps "your" problems are now compounded by natural aging on her part. Are you a minuteman? Have you heard what she has said in terms of what she likes and doesn`t like all these years but then became so enthralled with your own physical responses that anything she has ever said goes out of your mind as you are chase your own response? You are saying you want her to communicate with you but that is only true if you think it is her problem. If she looked you in the eye and said honey you are not satisfying me because of X, Y and Z. What would you do? Take what she said as a challenge to really look at yourself and try to change/improve. Would you become impotent and then become angry, blaming her for it although you asked her the question? You are already blaming her based on your letter here. I`m thinking she is a dammed if she does and dammed if she doesn`t. Before asking her to communicate I suggest you take a real hard look at yourself first.

OMG! I am really getting sick of people writing in to respond that their sex life stinks and it is all the other person's fault. Guess what, the Annie's can't help that! You know what else? I'm betting writing in to a newspaper bitching about it isn't going to make that person happy either! You can work it out and fix your problems, ignore it and live without sex, or get a divorce. Just please stop with the complaining letters! Add thank you notes, invitations, and how do I tell them letters to that list too.

LW1: You can try what the Annies said and call them once a day, but I suspect that that won't make a difference. It sounds like your Dad wants to talk to you, when HE wants to talk to you. I think you'll have to use the vibrate and call back approach, but if he goes ballistic now, he'll go even more ballistic when you don't answer your cell phone, so be prepared to tell him that that's the way it is, even if he doesn't like it. You've got to take a firm stand or he'll push you around forever.

to MT #4: re: LW3: Your comment (and others) reach only a tiny percentage of people who read this column and have access to the BTL (below the line) comments on Creators.com. You no longer want letters that take up a good percentage of the letters written on this column so they must be important to others, if not to you. So, it's pointless to expect any change. I suggest you ignore the letters you don't like, or ignore the column, if it frustrates you that much.

Off Topic
Can all those who care about the English language, please visit Patty Saunier/Grammar Matters in the Words and Trivia section. The wrong answers have been given for the first two items! May I suggest you Write the Author and point this out.

LW1 - I'm inclined to agree with the Annies on this one. Either call the parents once a day to check in briefly, or simply turn off your phones (or put them on vibrate) and call them back when you have the time and the desire to do so. My kids and I rarely talk on the phone, and when I have a call from either of them I know it's an emergency, but we communicate regularly through texts and e-mails. As long as the parents know that they won't be ignored for long periods of time in case they need help, that should be enough. Fortunately for all of us, my family isn't big on "chatting" endlessly on the phone for no particular reason.

LW1 - Your father sounds like my grandmother. She is a massive control freak who thinks she should still be able to control her adult children. When my parents lived in the same town as her, she would call multiple times a day (this was before everyone had a cell phone). If they were out, there were multiple, angry messages on their machine, DEMANDING that my mother call her back the SECOND she got back home. There was no emergency, by the way. She was just angry that my mother had the audacity not to be at her beck and phone call.

My mother tried calling her once a day to get her off her back. Didn't work. My grandmother didn't stop her multiple calls and I suspect your father won't either.

What ended up stopping the calls was when my parents moved to another state (they had to for my father's job). My grandmother can't afford the long distance so she only calls once a week. Her other two children are still local to her and she used to call them multiple times a day, too, but it took years upon years of them putting their foot down to get her to stop. She now only calls her daughter once a day (she doesn't even bother to call her son because she knows he won't answer). My advice is tell your father one more time that you are an adult and don't have to answer his multiple calls. Tell him that you will not be answering your cell phone if you don't feel like it (my advice to you is to put it on vibrate or silent) and that the more he calls, the more you will not answer. It will take some time and he will likely pitch a huge fit but hopefully he will one day get it. If my grandmother eventually got it, you have hope.

LW2 - I like the idea of going to her and seeing if she can copy the results. If she asks you where you got the chance, I would tell her a friend of family member did it one night on a whim.

LW3 - The fact that your wife won't even talk to you says that she sees you as nothing more than a paycheck, cook and house cleaner. I would go to counseling without her for some insight.

Sorry...my LW2 reponse should say "you got the CHANGE" not chance.

LW3: I think every couples' situation is different, and sometimes one partner may be more at fault than another. Assuming there is a "one size fits all" answer for such a complicated problem as long-term human relationships is impossible. I am sorry that your marriage isn't going well for you, but still must suggest that you communicate clearly, calmly, and directly with your wife about how stressed the situation is making you feel, and see if you can't get at the underlying problem, either together or with the help of a couples counselor. If she understands that the sanctity of her marriage is at stake, she may take your concerns more seriously.

LW2: I also like the Annies' idea of showing off the new cut to see if your long-term beautician can copy it. Either have some pictures taken right after you get the new cut, or visit her shortly afterwards, and talk with her about it. All you need to tell her is you are looking for something a little different, it's your prerogative to change your hairstyle -- and also let her know that you'd love it if she could duplicate the look, because you prefer to keep coming to her salon. I'm sure she'll appreciate that sentiment, at least.

LW1: I have to admit I don't at all agree with the Annie's solution of calling your parents every day just to satisfy your overbearing father. Twice a week calls is more than reasonable for adult children to contact their parents, and I would frankly get more firm with them, just because I would find the dad's attitude so annoying. "Dad, you've got to settle for calls twice a week, or you'll get no phone calls at all and I will block your number completely -- which do you prefer?"

If he gets angry, just say that you seem to have gotten your controlling side from him. And stand your ground -- it's your life and your household and your family, you have the right to set the boundaries. He's being a bully about this, and in most cases simple appeasement isn't usually the right answer.

lw1- First of all, you seem to have some anger and resentment toward your father. You say your mother caters to his whims no matter how unreasonable. I wonder if that is where your anger stems from or something more. I can understand your frustration. If however, your father is as controlling as he seems from your post, please check in on your mom as often as possible. PLEASE. However, don't let your father, who seems like a controlling ass, rule your life. I assume you love him. He won't be here forever. His intrusion may be missed sooner rather than later. Please try to be a better parent and in-law because of this experience.
Lw2- IT IS YOUR HAIR. If you would chance a couple of months of bad hair, ask this beautician to try to replicate the others work. Otherwise, stay friendly and polite, but avoid this beauty pro's chair.
Lw3- I really feel for you. My feeling is that, man or woman, if you don't want sex or affection you should not expect your significant other to go without. Period. Sexual feelings are innate in MOST humans. You shouldn't have to go without. Talk to her, go to a sex positive therapist, if nothing changes do what you must to be fulfilled. Whether it is leaving or getting that fulfillment outside of the marriage. I think you need to be honest about your needs first and foremost however. And shame on your wife if she doesn't enable this intimacy you crave in some way.

lw1- First of all, you seem to have some anger and resentment toward your father. You say your mother caters to his whims no matter how unreasonable. I wonder if that is where your anger stems from or something more. I can understand your frustration. If however, your father is as controlling as he seems from your post, please check in on your mom as often as possible. PLEASE. However, don't let your father, who seems like a controlling ass, rule your life. I assume you love him. He won't be here forever. His intrusion may be missed sooner rather than later. Please try to be a better parent and in-law because of this experience.
Lw2- IT IS YOUR HAIR. If you would chance a couple of months of bad hair, ask this beautician to try to replicate the others work. Otherwise, stay friendly and polite, but avoid this beauty pro's chair.
Lw3- I really feel for you. My feeling is that, man or woman, if you don't want sex or affection you should not expect your significant other to go without. Period. Sexual feelings are innate in MOST humans. You shouldn't have to go without. Talk to her, go to a sex positive therapist, if nothing changes do what you must to be fulfilled. Whether it is leaving or getting that fulfillment outside of the marriage. I think you need to be honest about your needs first and foremost however. And shame on your wife if she doesn't enable this intimacy you crave in some way.

LW1 -
You may want to TRY calling him once a day, but I warn you that it probably won't work. I suggest more that you put your foot down, and tell your father what kind of frequency you will tolerate, generate those calls yourself, and then put your cell on vibrate.

Your mother is no better than him, btw. The only difference is that he's aggressive while she's passive. But both of them see you as a tool for their entertainment, with no regards for your needs or feelings.

LW3 -
Sir, you say that you are in "good shape, work 50 hours a week, do a lot of the cooking and help clean", and that you have tried to do little things to show your appreciation. Well, for openers, if you have to "try", perhaps the reason your wife is taking it the wrong way because she knows it is not a natural thing with you and that she knows all too well what the clear intend behind it is. You're supposed to be doing something nice because you feel like it, not ONLY because you hope to get some nookie. That would be called paying her for her services, and your wife is not a prostitute.

Second, what are you like in the bedroom? Do you really try to do what's needed to satisfy her, or are you taking for granted that what's good for you should be good enough for her too?

It may also be that your wife is no longer in love with you and has moved to the friendship stage, or that she resents you for a reason that you do not mention. I suggest counselling, with her if she will or alone if she won't, because the therapist will be more able to get through the true heart of the matter than anyone reading only partial facts.

Oh LW3, if you're a regular reader around here, then surely you know that ALL marital problems are the MAN's fault.

LW1 - Your folks have been doing this for nearly 3 decades & they probably aren't going to stop now. It's hard to fathom that they've been doing this for 29 years, you must have known them for at least 50, and while you have no idea why they do this, you think that an advice columnist does. If you want to know why your parents do something, ask them or someone who knows them, like one of your siblings or one of their siblings. Their answer might surprise you, if you can spare 5 minutes to listen to them. You appear to have no interest in their lives & only call to make sure they're aren't dead yet, plus you seem to consider your parents as no more than an annoying interruption in your life. I myself can't imagine why they want to call you or interact with you at all, so you should ask your folks what they are looking for by calling you. Maybe you could agree to send a text msg every day that says, "I'm alive now go away".

LW1--After 29 years of marriage, you and your wife are fully independent adults, not a couple of "kids" just starting out. You are perfectly entitled to live free of the constant harassment of your parents. It's too bad you didn't learn to put on your big boy pants years ago and nip your parents' rude and intrusive behavior in the bud before it became entrenched and accepted as the status quo. It's not too late. Fortunately, with today's wonderful smart phone technology it is possible to block numbers; the more sophisticated apps will even automatically block numbers during a specified time frame, say between 7pm and 5am. Check into it stat. If there is truly an emergency, I'm sure your parents are savvy enough to call 911. As for any unexpected visits, you inform your parents in no uncertain terms that they need to call ahead before stopping by. If they fail to do so either don't go to the door and ignore their knocks or crack the door open and explain that now is not a good time. If you're feeling particularly adventurous, answer the door naked while holding a whip and a pair of handcuffs. That ought to do the trick.

LW2--This is simple. You ask your former beautician out for lunch and when she marvels at your new hairdo, you simply say "about a year ago, my hair just wasn't "cooperating" with your cuts so I decided to try something new." If your beautician friend is any kind of professional she'll understand completely. If she acts affronted or gets her panties in a twist, then she really wasn't your friend was she?

LW3--For the love of pity, not this worn out topic again. You have four choices: (1) counseling (which won't work, trust me since the two of you obviously don't communicate); (2) an ultimatum (which won't work either - who wants sex with the obviously unwilling); (3) a mistress on the side; (4) a safe, professional sex worker on a regular basis. Try door number four.

LW3: Wow.

Unfortunately, you are NOT alone. I have two guy friends, both of whom I am very close to, who are going through the same thing as you are, and both of whom have decided to stick with their marriages. Their friends think they're nuts: both of the wives are harpies who refuse to sleep with their husbands (and have for over 5 years) although their husbands are kind participating (meaning they help with the housework etc)hard working men.

My question to both of these guys is WHY? In one case, the husband is staying "for the sake of the children" which is IMO ridiculous because he's teaching his children that a loveless disrespectful marriage is ok. The other (no kids) figures he's only going to live for another 10 years (like he KNOWS!) and he doesn't want the hassle of dating and "breaking in someone new".

To both of them, and to the LW, I say, you get what you DESERVE. You want to settle for a cold loveless life? That's what you'll get. You want to BRAVE and get out there like the rest of us and take your chances, you may get the love you need. But as long as you do what you've been doing, you'll continue to get what you've been getting.

sarah stravinska (comment #2) wrote:

“LW3 I wonder if you had a good sex life early in the marriage? If a woman is left unsatisfied enough times she just shuts down. Or have you become lazy about satisfying her? Check that before you complain about "secret rules"

I agree wholeheartedly with Sarah. The man is to blame. Always.

Even if he is a good and loving husband, contributes around the house and is the main breadwinner, it MUST be his fault if his wife is a frigid, uncaring hag. Completely.

Women? They are never to blame.

But MEN? They are to blame for EVERYTHING.

Lise Brouillette wrote:

“LW3 -
Sir, you say that you are in "good shape, work 50 hours a week, do a lot of the cooking and help clean", and that you have tried to do little things to show your appreciation. Well, for openers, if you have to "try", perhaps the reason your wife is taking it the wrong way because she knows it is not a natural thing with you and that she knows all too well what the clear intend behind it is. You're supposed to be doing something nice because you feel like it, not ONLY because you hope to get some nookie. That would be called paying her for her services, and your wife is not a prostitute.

Second, what are you like in the bedroom? Do you really try to do what's needed to satisfy her, or are you taking for granted that what's good for you should be good enough for her too?”

Lise brings up many good points.

It isn't enough for man to be a caring and considerate husband, breadwinner, and stay in shape and active, he must also walk on eggshells and be fearful that his wife know he wants “nookie.” After all, for a husband to want to sleep with his wife would clearly her a prostitute.

In addition, I also agree with Lise's suggestion that it must be a terrible lover. Because, as we all know, it can't possibly be because the wife is a miserable, cold b1tch who sees him only as a pay cheque.
Nope. That couldn't be it. Around here, women are never to blame.

LW1 - When we moved back into town after having been gone for several years, my mother started calling me daily and if she couldn't reach me right away she would demand to know where I'd been. It was annoying because I had lived many years without having to account for my time. Then she started calling me every Saturday morning telling me everything I'd ever done wrong and I usually wound up in tears. The only thing that finally stopped her was her second marriage - she found somebody else to "worry" about. Your dad is needy. He needs something else to think about besides you. Maybe you could get him a puppy?
LW2 - I had a very good beautician but once when she was out sixk I went to somebody else for my haircut. The next time I went to her, she took one look at my hair and said, "You've been runnin' around on me, haven't you?" My advice is to admit your infidelity and then ask her if she can replicate the cut. Isn't it funny the relationships women form with their hairdressers? I think somebody should do a study on it.
LW3 - Your overtures have turned her off because she thinks you do things to bribe her for sex. I agree with MT in comment #4 above. You're not going to solve your problems in an advice column.

LW2: Trust me, she probably already has figured it out that you've been using another hair dresser.

If you like her as a friend (and it sounds like you do), try developing the friendship away from The Chair. Invite her out for coffee and try talking to her about stuff. If she asks about your hair, be honest. But don't expect the friendship to be reciprocated. A good hairstylist develops "relationships" with almost all their customers, both as a way to make the time go quicker and as a way to get customers to come back. What you perceive as a friendship could just be good customer service.

I think a lot of people are jumping to the wrong conclusion about LW3. This isn't about sex or technique in the bedroom. I really wish people would stop equating having sex with eating a sandwich or going bowling. It's not simply another recreational activity that can be exchanged tit for tat (I'll only do this with you if I like it or if you're good at it) or that someone can well do for themselves (eg making a sandwich), but their spouse might grudgingly do for them as a favor but only if you take the garbage out and wash my car. And honest to gosh, I am sick of people saying they are too tired to make love with their spouse. It takes far more physical effort to cook a meal, go jogging, drive to work, take a shower, go out for lunch with your friends, go to a movie, paint a picture...yet WHEN was the last time you heard anyone write in and say, I'm tooo tiiiired to go to work, I'm toooo tiiired to go out with my friends? Never. And as for technique, come on. Few lovers are THAT bad, and going to the dentist is no fun either, but you still do it twice a year. And no one says, I'm tooo tiiired to go to the dentist, or I'll only go if my dentist vacuums for me. Let's just be honest. Only in very rare circumstances is anyone ever too tired or ill to have sex with their spouse. If that's the case every day, then the truth is you simply don't like your spouse, and no amount of technique or doing household chores is going to change that. Get a divorce, already.
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I'm going back to the expression "making love" because THAT's what this man is talking about, not about getting his rocks off. He says his wife ignores him both inside AND outside of the bedroom, and that men have FEELINGS too. Anyone who thinks this man just wants to hump someone doesn't understand men at all.

Re: kai archie
Hilarious response! (15)

RE: Jane

Oh, come now.

Clearly you don't understand what marriage is all about. A husband's duty is to work 50-60 hours each week, do his share of the work around the house (even if the wife sits at home and does little herself), and act like a complete puppy dog at all times if he ever expects even a sniff of his wife's snootch. After all, it is a little silly for a man to expect the woman he loves -- and who supposedly loves him back -- to want to have sex with him, no?

Basically, a husband should have to EARN sex and it is wife's right to use it to control him. She should hold all of the power and it is always his fault if he decides to complain. And should he ever get so tired of the situation that he cheats or divorces her, then he is a disgusting pig!

Just ask the women here. They'll tell you.

@nanchan: Any guy who talks about "breaking in" a woman as if she were a horse or a pair of jeans deserves to be married to a harpie!
LW1 - It sounds like your father is obsessive-compulsive as well as controlling. Has anyone ever suggested to your parents that he needs professional help? I also wonder if one call a day would satisfy him - or if TEN calls a day would. Your letter said you moved only "slightly" farther away, so unfortunately if you try blocking or ignoring his calls, you may find Mom & Dad on your doorstep demanding attention. Others here have made some good suggestions about "tough love", and I hope they might work for you. Best of luck.
LW2 - Wait, I'm a bit confused. You went to the new hair stylist a YEAR ago, and you now want to "continue"? Most people have more than one hair cut a year. Did you go back to your old friend during the past year and now want to change to the other stylist? Maybe someone here can straighten me out, because I'm as lost as a hairpin in a headful of big hair. LOL
LW3 - Whew, some people here are being pretty hard on you. It is possible that your wife is dealing with menopause, which can make intercourse less than desirable for women. But it sounds like this has been ongoing for a while. What would concern me most is not so much that she doesn't want intimacy, but that she refuses to communicate with you, which can be a control thing in itself. And apparently the two of you are not connecting in other ways, either. If together you don't enjoy things such as hobbies, travel, cooking, church activities and so on, what is holding you in this marriage? If there is no intimacy in any aspect of your marriage, I don't see the point of it.

Jane (22) excellent post. Chris didn't even MENTION leaving the marriage in his post, but to me, if it's as bad as the LW makes it sound, it's time to bail.

LW2: Ugh, the Annies' endless advice of doing any and everything to avoid hurt feelings is over the top obnoxious. Lady, if you don't like the job she's doing, don't go to her anymore. Haircuts are too expensive. If you don't like the job she was doing, don't go back. I promise you, she doesn't see you as a true friend. She'll miss your money, and maybe your company, but it's just business.
On a completely separate, but totally related note, I went in for a haircut last night and there was a “miscommunication” with my stylist and me. She chopped off my long, blonde hair. I am devastated. I look like a mushroom head. I know it's vain, but a lot of women take pride in their hair. No pride here anymore!

LW3: Looking into my crystal ball…. She's definitely sleeping with someone else.

Casey, does your crystal ball say anything about the winning lottery numbers for the Washington State power ball?

LW1
Subscribe your parents one of those emergency monitoring services for seniors as a gift, like lifeline, where they have button to push to call help in an emergency. The service then 911 and you - that way you will know that when you receive a call from the service it is probably an emergency and to answer it (although my 90 something grandmother used to call lifeline in the middle of the night to ask the time...lol). Then tell your folks when they can call you and expect an answer and stick to it. Chris had an excellent suggestion about blocking their calls during certain hours.

LW2
If you haven't seen your hair stylist friend in a year then she's clearly not an actual friend, just a long term aquaintance. Other posters have pointed out that a good stylist will cultivate a rapport with he client and that is likely all this is. Keep going to your new stylist and forget about your old one as a friend unless she contacts you.

LW3
Read Jane's post #22. One of the few sensible posts on this subject IMHO.

LW1 -- you've gotten a lot of good advice from a lot of different sources. Count me among those who suspect that if you start calling them once day, that is still not going to be enough. One observation -- you say in your letter that you have tried to nicely explain the situation to your mother, but a sentence or two later, you say the problem is that your father goes ballistic if he can't get a hold of you immediately. Why do I get the feeling that you have never actually had a conversation with your FATHER about this problem? And isn't that kind of silly, when it would appear that the problem is between you and your FATHER. Normally, talking with one parent about a problem with the other parent MIGHT be useful, but only if the parent you've talked with is willing/able to intercede in the situation. You have said your mother caters to your father's every whim. So, you are well aware of the fact that telling HER about the problem with your FATHER is not going to be effective. Grow a pair and talk with your father about this. I assume the reason you haven't is that you assume (no doubt from past experience) that your father will be totally unreasonable when you try to talk with him. That's fine. But tell him how you feel, tell him what you are going to do to deal with it, and then do it. Stop trying to put your mother in the middle when you KNOW she's not going to do anything. Stop avoiding dealing directly with your father.

LW2 -- Unless your friendship with you stylist has progressed to a point where you two do things together outside of the salon, it is unlikely that this is a real friendship. My guess: you see her only when you need a haircut. If that's the case, I like the suggestion of going to her and saying, "about a year ago my hair seems to have changed, and the haircuts that used to work great on me now don't work well at all, so out of frustration, I went to a different stylist and tried something different, and I like it a lot. But I would far prefer to continue coming to you, so I wanted you to see the new cut and see if you can't duplicate it." And I know it's too late for you to take this advice, but I want to point it out anyway: in the future, when you're not happy with any sort of service from someone/some place where you have been a long-time customer, before you switch to someone else, try actually telling the person, "you know, I haven't been happy with X, can we try Y?" Whether your stylist really is your friend or has simply cultivated a relationship with you because it's part of her job, I'm sure she'd have appreciated the opportunity to fix whatever was wrong and work with you to keep you happy and keep your business.

LW3 -- It sounds like you have tried to show her that you love her and appreciate her, and we're taught that actions speak louder than words, so she should know that you love her and appreciate her. But, sometimes we need to use BOTH actions AND words. The one thing that you don't mention having tried is actually talking with her about how her actions (or lack thereof) and her words (or lack thereof) make you feel. This is not an easy conversation to have -- it will be hard for you to say what you need to say, and likely it will be harder still for you to listen to whatever her response is. Unless you are exaggerating the situation, it sounds like it's not just that your wife isn't having sex with you (which is bad enough), but that she is ignoring you all the time. That is unacceptable.

Once you've had an actual conversation about all of this, you will be in a better position to know what to do. Perhaps you are both willing and able to work on your marriage together and don't need a counselor to help, or perhaps you're both willing and able but still need couple's counseling to help you through that process. If one of you is unwilling/unable to work on this together as a couple, then basically the marriage is over. I do not recommend finding sexual satisfaction outside of the marriage unless you first discuss with your wife the possibility of an open marriage that would allow you to get your needs satisfied elsewhere. But unfortunately, I don't see that working so well for you, even if your wife agrees to it, because it seems clear that you aren't just missing the sex -- you are missing having a loving, caring partner. If your wife refuses to consider an open marriage and refuses to take any positive action towards repairing the relationship, again, your marriage is over.

LW1: I'll keep it simple – you need to set boundaries and make it clear to them, and it is up to them to either complain or give in and respect them.

It may be you just need to unplug the landline phone and shut off (not set to vibrate or silent, but turn off completely) the cell phones. If there's an emergency and you can't be reached ... it may just be the price you have to pay. After all, if there is a true emergency and they can't get ahold of you after several attempts, a police officer will likely come to your home to deliver the message. (And believe me, they won't take an "emergency" call if it's not a true emergency (i.e., the father just wants to talk).

LW3: Look, I'll agree with Jane's assessment at #22 – this is about a relationship. A RELATIONSHIP. R-E-L-A-T-I-O-N-S-H-I-P. For whatever reason – and that includes a possible perception that you're no longer her Brad Pitt or Ben Affleck (i.e., a male "hottie") – she no longer wants a relationship with you, sexual, making love or platonic.

Sorry to say, she is no longer interested in you ... and this appears to not be your fault.

I'd say end the marriage and let her find what she wants, if she can.

@EstherGreenwood & Linda -- you both may be right that LW2 hasn't seen her stylist in over a year. I assumed that what she really meant was that about a year ago, she became dissatisfied with the way her hair looked, kept going to her long-time stylist on a regular basis (depending on what's "regular" for her -- I know people who go every four weeks, I know people who only go every few months or so), hoping that the cuts were going to magically improve (you know, like that first bad cut was a fluke, and maybe it took several bad cuts for her to finally decide "this isn't a fluke") and then when they didn't get any better, she finally decided to try someone else. I know she doesn't say any of that, so obviously that is me making some big leaps. But I'm making those leaps based on experience. I have changed stylists a number of times over the years for one reason or another. I know a number of other women who have, too. In pretty much all of the cases I am personally acquainted with, if they got one bad cut (after having had any number of good cuts over a few years' time), they didn't immediately change stylists -- they gave the stylist at least one or two more shots, on the assumption that everyone has a bad day, and then if they continued to be dissatisfied, THEN they moved on to another stylist. Of course, LW2 might not be at all like me or the women I know, so she may well have done exactly what you have posited: she got one bad haircut and immediately went to someone else, and she hasn't been back to her original stylist for a year, and now, one year later, she is trying to figure out a "graceful" way to go back to her original stylist. Of course, going back to her will be a mistake if she is never told what the problem was in the first place and just continues to cut the LW's hair the same way she has always done.

Re: Chris (#16)

Can I try Door No. 5 ... which is a divorce?

The lust has died, and (at least) she is no longer interested in her husband. Whether it's a "woman" thing (simply no longer wanting a sexual relationship) or she wants somebody else – younger and better looking – to recharge her batteries and is not fool enough to have an affair, we don't know. All I know is that it is apparent she no longer is in love with him and wants out.

Bobaloo wrote:

“ All I know is that it is apparent she no longer is in love with him and wants out.”

And yet she has made no effort to leave him.

She seems perfectly content with the current arrangement, which allows her to lounge around most of the day, working part-time from home, while he supports her.

Now, I ain't saying she's a gold digger…

@Chelle: I don't know what this means, but I see 6 12 56 9 23.. and also a vision of you wearing a gold crown, aboard a giant yacht, with a drink in your hand. Like I said, I hve no idea what it means!

Re: Chris i laughed when i read your advice about answering the door naked while holding a whip and handcuffs. i recall either ann landers or the original dear abby had people respond to a letter about people showing up at someone's home without calling first. one couple had parents, which set i don't recall, do that. the husband started
answering the door naked. after, i think, four times of doing that, the parents started calling first.

@MT and Dave Galino -- Dave has pointed out before that obviously there are enough people out there for whom these issues are big deals and that they wish to write about, and many of those people don't ever read the BTL and have no idea that they have been discussed rather thoroughly -- some would say ad nauseum -- here. Personally, I feel much the same way as MT on this, but to be honest, a good portion of my frustration is actually with some folks BTL, rather than the LWs or the Annies. What frustrates me is that some of us appear to be intent on pointing blame -- whether it's to blame a specific person relevant to the letter in question, or whether it's blame of an entire gender. When it comes to marriage, it takes two to tango. It is rare that the problems in a marriage are all one person's fault. It happens, of course, but not nearly so often as we may think. More often than not, both spouses have played an active role in the disintegration of the marriage. Sure, sometimes one is more "active" than the other. Sure, sometimes one person "started" the problem -- but even when that is the case, usually the way the other person responded to that also contributes to the continued erosion of the relationship.

So, are the folks who suggest maybe LW3 hasn't been a considerate lover over the years and/or that he needs to take a good look at himself first right? Or are the folks who suggest that the LW is clearly not to blame and it's all the wife's fault right? Well, we have no way of knowing -- either is a possibility, but neither is a solution. I would suggest the most likely scenario is that both the LW and his wife have played an active role in the downfall of their marriage. Rather than trying to figure out who is to blame, they should be asking themselves and each other if they are willing and able to work together as a team to repair the relationship.

LW1 - Your dad is not going to be satisfied with you calling once a day. I say a radical approach is needed. Change all your phone numbers, make sure they are unlisted, and ensure the numbers don't show up on call display. Call your dad twice a week, or however often you want. He's going to go ballistic, and when he does, calmly say "I'll call back on Tuesday - hopefully you'll be calm enough to talk reasonably then." Rinse and repeat. If there's an emergency, they can e-mail or call 911.

I had to do this because of a roommate's mother. She called several times every evening, and always during dinnertime. Her son, who turned out to be a useless twit, would often be napping in his room, and never answered the phone. Call display did not good, because I'd still be disturbed by the damn phone ringing, and have to stop what I was doing to go and look at who was calling. Finally, I changed the number, and told him he had to get a cell phone if he wanted to talk to her.

LW3 - I've been single for a number of years, and am not willing to go out and have NSA sex. I masturbate when I need to, and so far, haven't died from a lack of sex with a partner. It's quick, clean, and always satisfying. If the rest of your marriage is good, then take the matter into your own hands. If it isn't, get a divorce. Either way, quit whining about it.

My heart sank when I read Lise's response to LW3 because I KNEW Princess Bride would be on with a vengeance - and he'd be right! Nothing the LW says makes the slightest hint that he's treating his wife like a prostitute. In fact, it sounds like he's doing his best and his wife has just checked out. She should at least TALK to him, but she's not even doing that.

And BTW Bobaloo, Brad Pitt is not a "hottie" IMO. I don't understand why a 50 year old man want's to sound like a mindless frat boy.

Re: Lisa

Your reading of L2 makes more sense. You're probably right that her hair changed a year ago, but she just went to a new stylist for her last haircut and wants to know how to approach the subject with her prior stylist. I can empathize because I've experienced similar changes with my own hair and the women I know have also had the same sorts of issues. It's still a mystery to me how you can go to a stylist for a while and then suddenly your cut is wrong and your hair won't cooperate! In some instances I think the texture of my hair did change due to hormonal fluctuations, changes in my water system - like going from well water to city water, and possibly needing to change hair products. Other times i think the stylist just got bored or stuck in a rut. Last time I changed stylists because I just couldn't justify the outrageous prices at the salon and thought I'd be better off socking that extra money away in my retirement account, however my hair has suffered for it I admit...lol.

@Maggie, who wants to be with Brad Pitt to hear him *talk*?

LW3- Have you established a regular date night? I'd suggest asking her which night of the week is good for her, and telling her to meet you at such-and-such restaurant at blank time each week. If she doesn't want to, let her know that this is a basic requirement if she wishes to continue the marriage. It's not clear whether you've tried something like this already, if you have and she didn't bite, you should just get a divorce already. I think most women who are at all interested in their husbands would jump at a romantic dinner out each week, so if she doesn't go for it, you have your answer. Best of luck!

Re: sarah stravinska "We have to e-mail them, and we do fear that in case of an accident or heart attack no one could reach them. "
Leave a freaking message, that's what the machine is for. I'm sitting right there, if it's important I can stop what I'm doing and pick up. If it isn't important I can call or email you at MY CONVENIENCE.

LW1 should answer the cell and say, I can't talk right now, I'll call you back in a little while. Then call back after 10 minutes. The next time wait a little longer, and a little longer until you're calling them back twice a week like you do now. Unless their house is on fire, is the the first thing out of their mouths, never again let them harass you like that.

Re: sarah stravinska #2

Have you tried texting your kids? Phone etiquette has really changed pretty radically since the rise of texting. Many of the younger folks really hate phone calls, feel like they are invasive, and avoid them as much as possible. They do most of their communication by text or online chat. If you adopt those communication methods you might have better luck.

I can understand how some of them feel because I have certain friends and relatives that are almost impossible to call without my becoming entrapped in a 1 to 2 hour conversation. Yes you can make excuses and get off the line, but excuses wear thin if it happens every single call and with my elderly relatives you almost have to just hang up on them because they just won't take a hint. This scenario becomes very tiresome and now I just avoid calling them unless I have several hours to devote to a phone call.

Tell your father once only that you will call once a week at ??? and any other calls will be ignored.Then DO IT. This is a power trip for him. My mother does this to my sister not to me because I firmly put a stop to it.I do not need to hear daily what she had for lunch or what my nieces or nephews had for lunch.When called my SIL to contact me to tell me an aunt had died that was the final straw. I was 3000 miles away and it took 2 days to get to a place where my phone would work.When I got home I told her in words of one syllable not to repeat the action.When you respond to the action it is like a 2 year old. You reward the tantrum.My Mother has plenty of company and social contact on an hourly basis.The father keeps this man on a leash. It is time to discard it.

To the folks who have attacked LW3, insulted him, belittled him, criticized him, and insinuated that he must be doing something wrong (because "obviously," if he wasn't, his wife would be happy to have sex) --- I doubt that he's doing much if anything wrong. I would guess that his wife has either made an arbitrary and unilateral decision to "retire" intimacy and sex, or has a lover or two on the side herself. Some women -- a fairly large number actually -- use men for stud service to have children, then withdraw emotionally and physically.

Nor is she necessarily wrong to do so. If a person really doesn't want to have sex, they should not. But they should be honest about it rather than giving vague half-answers and refusing to even talk about the issue.

I would say to him: try one more time to have a conversation with your wife and ask her to tell you honestly what's going on. If she really doesn't want, or plan, to have sex with you anymore, you do have other options. When one partner in a marriage refuses to have sex intimacy anymore, and refuses to talk about why, they have effectively ended the marriage. If this is the case, you have no obligation to stay true to vows your wife has already violated by totally withdrawing from physical affection. Find a lover. And if it works out, leave your wife and wish her well. There's a time for pretense to end and life to move on. She's already left you.

Re: Princess Bride--Thanks so much for reminding us every day that men are to blame for everything, and now, how nice, you've got Soozan doing it too.

I'm sure we'd forget if we didn't have your daily reminders. Why don't you just give it an acronym, like MATBFE, and then you won't have to type it out every day. Save you some time, too, as I'm sure you have a VERY busy social life with the ladies.

@sarah stravinska -- nonegiven's response to you at #44 prompted me to go back and read your original post. You certainly raise a very good point about fear being part of what drives the father's anger and behavior. It is certainly true that as we get older, we tend to have more medical conditions that make certain types of emergencies more likely, and that can and often does breed new (and understandable) fears. In this particular case, however, I would suggest that it sounds like the father has always been somewhat unreasonable/demanding/controlling, so it's unlikely (IMHO) that this is a fear that has been borne of a new medical condition or something like that.
I would say in most cases, if you find that a friend or relative has basically stopped taking your calls, you might want to consider if you're driving that friend or relative crazy -- in fact, you might want to actually ASK the friend or relative why s/he no longer takes your calls. Sometimes, especially when it's a case of people of different generations, it's a matter of one party preferring a different mode of communication -- text or e-mail, for example, versus phone call. With so many people having smartphones practically attached to them, even an e-mail can be seen almost immediately.
I certainly don't presume to know anything about your relationship with your kids and why they don't take your calls. It could be a lot of different reasons. You generally sound like a sane, thoughtful person at the BTL, so I have no reason to believe you are harpy shrew who drives her kids crazy! Have you asked your kids why they don't take your calls? Have you explained to them your concerns? And if you are worried about who will take care of your dogs in an emergency, etc., and don't believe that your kids will come through for you (simply because they won't find out about it soon enough), you might want to consider cultivating someone else as your emergency contact -- a friend or neighbor, for example, to whom you could entrust an extra key to your house (and who would actually take your calls!).
I know you weren't asking for advice, so feel free to ignore me entirely on this!

RE: Joannakathryn

You're very welcome, my dear, but I can't take all the credit.

I just wish you'd also spread around the accolades to the lovely ladies on here who make it a point of blaming men for everything.

had some issues posting this, so if this is duplicate (or triplicate!) my apologies...

@sarah morrow (#48) -- I don't necessarily disagree with anything you've said, but I just wanted to point out that this appears to go well beyond having sex or not having sex. Unless the LW has exaggerated, his wife basically ignores him ALL THE TIME. If that's the case, then this isn't merely her withholding sex -- she's withholding all forms of affection and basically withholding all meaningful aspects of any sort of relationship. If I am remembering the original "Your Husband" letter correctly (and I might not be -- I've mentioned before that I am way lazier than Miss Pasko!), that husband was otherwise happy with his marriage, and basically only the sex was missing. "Your Husband" wasn't missing an entire relationship, he was missing one aspect (albeit an important one) of the relationship. Today's LW3 sounds like he's missing an entire (or almost an entire) relationship. And while he talks about doing "little things" to let his wife know he loves her and appreciates her, he doesn't ever mention actually sitting down with her and having a real conversation in which he expresses how her actions/behavior makes him feel and asks her how she feels and why she does what she does (or doesn't do what she doesn't do, as the case may be).

So, I agree with you when you tell him to talk with her about this but I am not assuming that he already has tried to talk with her, and I am taking him at his word that this isn't just about sex but about the entire state of their nearly-nonexistent relationship. Sex is one important aspect of a marital relationship, but he doesn't need to talk with her just about the lack of sex -- he needs to talk with her about the lack of ANYTHING! And I would suggest that perhaps the reason for the lack of anything is because these two have really never been all that good at communicating openly and honestly. More often than not, when I hear about couples that have stopped having sex, the lack of sex isn't the problem -- it's the symptom of whatever else happens to be wrong with the relationship. And as I've tried to point out before, when something is wrong with a relationship, it is rarely all one person's fault.

Mike - not me! Not for talk, not for anything. Ick. And what's funny is that Angelina Jolie apparently thinks she's got something every woman in the world wants. Wrong again.

Johanna, I'm sorry, but Lise really did walk into P.Bride's chamber with her lecture to LW3 - who apparently CAN'T do anything right and it MUST be his fault if the wife won't even talk to him about intimacy. Sheesh.

Re: Lise Brouillette--

>>Second, what are you like in the bedroom? Do you really try to do what's needed to satisfy her, or are you taking for granted that what's good for you should be good enough for her too? <<

That sounds like my ex-husband, one of the many reasons that he is an ex.

And probably the reason he has three ex-wives, and last I heard, can't get anybody to even date him.

Now, I'm grateful for almost 38 years with a sweetheart.

Jane #22- thank you for adding some new insights to LW3's dilemma. This is why I don't mind letters that go over previously covered topics- every case is different, and sometimes the BTL discussion adds something new to it. Now, Princess Bride likes to always resort to "men are to blame for eeeeeverything!!!" reminding us not to deal in stereotypes. My take on LW 3 is, he probably did try to bring it up with her, but his wife probably passively-aggressively shut him down. Every. Single. Time. And since he never got anywhere verbally, he probably didn't think to mention it. Or he brought it up, and she insists that there is no problem. So far, keeping her head up there where the sun don't shine has been working for her, but she may be surprised when he has had enough, and tells her to get out, and take her passive aggressive crap with her.

Re: Maggie Lawrence (#40)

Well, I understand that Brad Pitt is seen as a sex symbol, but I guess that's a matter of opinion for the rest of us. And incidentally, I thought it was Ben Affleck that was the "mindless frat boy," even though he too is considered sexy.

(And yes, just in case you did miss it – I'm sure you didn't, but for the benefit of the others – yes, the use of "hottie" was applied to a good looking young man. Equal use, I'd say.)

JoannaK - sorry, it's not working. Lise's post was all about how the LW's wife refusing to speak to him is somehow due to his inadequacies, even though he wrote: "Yet, when it comes to a relationship in or out of the bedroom, she ignores me. I have tried to get her to talk, but she won't. I have tried to do little things to show her that I love and appreciate her, but she always takes them the wrong way" And Lise still tries to make it look like he must be using his wife like a "prostitute."

You know that I've called PB to task often enough for his monotonous one-note message, but this time he's right and Lise is glaringly wrong - living up to all the tiresome comebacks about "Men! they're to blame for everything!" No matter what the LW says he's done, Lise is still suggesting that it's his fault. I'll bet your ex didn't try to show you in little things how much he loves and appreciates you.

And Bobaloo, I assume you use that term because you think it's cute to be so irritating, but it just reminds me of the fat little sweaty-palmed leering guys sitting at bars in restaurants where I worked long ago. "Hottie" was a favorite term and somehow it just went with the territory.

Re: Linda
"Any guy who talks about "breaking in" a woman as if she were a horse"
Even at that, Monty Roberts (The Man Who Listens to Horses) will tell you that the best results are with learning to speak horse, not "breaking" the horse. ;-D

@Maggie Lawrence #40
I will address your post, because I expect you to be more rational than PB, who sounds like a broken record. I never said he treated her like a prostitute (remember the meaning of the word "would"?), try to understand the subtlety here.

If I am with a man, I am with him because I truly care about him. Therefore, I will do whatever I can afford to do to make his life easier: because I like to see him happy, not because I'm hoping for a gift, or a favour, or some nookie. Doing that would be demeaning: and indeed if a man was only nice to me when he wants something, I would feel used, and if the something was nookie, then yeah, he'd make me feel like a paid whore.

It is the *attitude*, and the very fundamentals on which the relationship is based, that are the crux of the matter here, as in, not doing something for the other because you expect a tit for a tat. Hope that clarifies my meaning.

Do keep in mind I did not accuse him directly of any deriliction, but merely pointed areas, in question form, where he might want to conduct a little introspection. I did also suggest the problem might be with his wife.

And btw, PB dearest didn't attack me first or last, and I'm sure it's not finished for the day. Even addressed the LW. On a real rampage today, it is. ;-D

Re: Princess Bride All I know is that I am happy to jump into bed with my husband because I know he will stay with me until I am satisfied. And I have women friends for whom sex is a chore because hubby gets off and then gets off the bed.
They have taught themselves to not respond because they will just be left frustrated and resentful. In essence these women don't really have a sex life so they eventually say,"If I don't get mine, you don't get yours."
Funny thing is, if the man should seek a partner outside the marriage he would make all sorts of effort to please the new lady in order to keep her. (unless he pays a prostitute who will fake it for him.)

Re: Lisa It is not that they don't take our calls, they don't take ANY calls. We have stayed in their home over the weekends etc. and the phone will ring but they never answer it. And it isn't because they are "visiting" with us and being courteous about not interrupting our visit, as they often are on their computers when we are there or ignore us for periods of time to do their own thing. And that is fine with us as we have made plans to meet up for dinner or a movie together at some time during our visit. The police had to come to her (my step-daughter's) house to inform her that her step-dad had died because 'our' daughter ignored the ringing phone. He had been dead three days before the police caught up with her.

Re: Maggie--I wasn't even referring to what Lise said when I made that comment to PB. He's like a broken record, or one of those annoying "this is the song that never ends," "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall," etc.

I'm trying to offer him an easy way to get his point across every day, since he seems to think we won't remember it unless he does.

In fact, I think I'll start ending my posts with MATBFE, just in case he misses a day or two of posting.

Oh, Lise, your insanity and bigotry amuses me, but I do still think you would benefit from seeing a psychologist.

It is not hard to see why you're single. A man would have to have terribly low self-esteem to put up with your abuse.

RE: Joannakathryn

Why is it irritating to you when I repeat myself but yet never criticize the women on here for constantly bashing men?

At least Maggie has shown herself to be somewhat objective by calling out Lise on her bigotry.

Re: Maggie Lawrence (#56)

"(B)ut it just reminds me of the fat little sweaty-palmed leering guys sitting at bars in restaurants where I worked long ago."

Well, of course no person should have to endure that sort of behavior, and I'm sorry if you had to endure it. If you felt uncomfortable – and I'd say this to anyone who is wearing the shoes you once wore – then report it to your manager. Who knows, they might just surprise by telling the leering guy to knock it off. (Unfortunately, there's not much else that can be done.)

All:

Why even respond to Princess Bride? For me at least, he/she/it made no sense today.

Re: Princess Bride--Lise is my friend and she doesn't come on here and attack BTL posters. She expresses her opinion about the letters. I don't always agree with her, but I respect her opinion.

All you ever do is name call and attack her.

MATBFE--there, I've taken care of it for you today.