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Dear Annie: My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years and recently decided to try an open-marriage lifestyle. We are doing this with full honesty and respect for each other.
The main problem is that the dating success is not equal. I …Read more.
Who's Not Following Up on Child Abuse Reports?
Dear Annie: I am a single mom of a 4-year-old boy who is being abused by my ex-husband and his wife. After a visit, he comes home bruised and scratched with black eyes. He has had scabies more than a dozen times. The worst thing is that my son was …Read more.
Happy Mother's Day
Dear Readers: Happy Mother's Day. Please phone your mother, grandmother, mother-in-law, stepmother or foster mother and wish them the best. And our special good wishes to all the new mommies who are celebrating their very first Mother's Day. Also, …Read more.
Thank You, Mom and Dad
Dear Annie: I am writing a long overdue thank-you note to my parents. They are faithful readers of your column. Mom and Dad, I am thankful that:
You stood your ground and did not give in to me, even when I threw fits and demanded my way.
You …Read more.
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Doesn't Want To Fit In, Doesn't Want To Be Left Out
Dear Annie: I'm a sophomore in high school. I never had much social stability as a child because my family moved around a lot and I was often in a different school every semester. I've always been that pretty girl who becomes an outcast as soon as she speaks or says something stupid.
I thought high school would be different, but it's not. As soon as I try to make conversation, I'm labeled "weird" or "annoying." The kids at school point at me and laugh when I talk. I don't consider it bullying, because people don't say anything to my face or threaten me. I just know when they give me that smirk.
I've had counseling and therapy, but really no one can tell you how to make friends and be socially comfortable. How do I talk to someone my age without coming across as strange? I'm not trying to "fit in." I like to be random and spontaneous and consider things others don't think about. All I want is to be accepted without all the snooty faces and glares I get at school. — Awkward for Life
Dear Awkward: Let's get one thing straight: If kids are ostracizing you or pointing at you and laughing, that is a form of bullying and should not be tolerated. But that is only one part of your problem. You seem to have labeled yourself "annoying," while at the same time you are proud of being "random and spontaneous." You say you aren't trying to fit in, yet you want to make friends.
Moving around seems to have left you with a little chip on your shoulder, and this can push people away. Such self-protection got you through grade school, but now you're ready for more. Please talk to someone who can give you pointers on being more accessible: your mother, a sibling, grandparent, aunt, neighbor or teacher. You also could select one girl from your class who seems nice and confide in her that you'd like to be friends. You'd be surprised how much that can help.
Dear Annie: It drives me crazy that so many of your answers include the advice to see a counselor.
When a wife is no longer attracted to her husband because he is overweight or doesn't bathe and isn't going to change, she should leave him and get back to enjoying life. When one spouse is set in his ways, it does no good to see a counselor. It's the same in a relationship when a cheater is going to keep cheating.
You are wasting time and money seeing a counselor when your spouse is not going to go with you and keeps doing the things that drive you crazy. Just tell these people to get out of these relationships. "Till death do us part" will be the death of the partner who is miserable holding on to something that will never bring happiness. — Tired of "Go See a Counselor"
Dear Tired: When we tell people to seek counseling, it isn't necessarily to reconcile. When both partners are willing to work on their problems, it can save the relationship. But in instances where one partner is unwilling to make the effort, the other partner must decide what is worth keeping and what is not and what the next step should be. These decisions are not simple, often involving young children or financial concerns. Counseling helps work through the difficulties in order to move forward — in whatever direction that entails.
Dear Annie: I hope it's not too late to respond to "Not Antisocial or Addicted to the Internet," who wants to make friends. He should consider joining a fraternal organization like the Elks, Moose, Eagles, Masons and Shriners, or a service club such as Rotary, Kiwanis, Optimists, Cosmopolitans, etc. Each has a unique philosophy and format, some are co-ed, most have benevolent or charitable activities, and the opportunities to form new friendships are huge. — Happy 50-Year Member
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2013 CREATORS.COM 
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Comments
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35 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: I felt like this a lot in school. I was the socially awkward kid who moved around a lot and ended up being bullied by just about everything. The Annie's advice is OK, but I have to wonder: what kids are you trying to fit in with? It sounds a little like you're trying to shove a round piece through a square hole. If people find what you talk about to be weird or strange, don't change to please them. Instead, go find other people who are equally weird or strange. Trust me, they exist somewhere on your campus. Life in general will be much easier when you can simply enjoy the people around you instead of trying to please the people who make fun of you. I know my life got much easier when I stopped trying to please the people who were making fun of me and instead found people who were as bizarre as I was.
LW2: I've gotten annoyed to at the 'Go to counseling' advice from the Annie's. But at the same time, they are not psychiatrists and we really only get a small hint of the real story going on. Maybe the husband is overweight because he's developed a medical issue that makes him just not care anymore. Maybe something huge has been left out of the letters: like the husband works twelve hour days while the wife has time for the gym. The point is that we just don't really know what is going on, and neither do the Annie's. Maybe a counselor might see something we don't. So I guess I'm changing my tune on the 'go to counseling' advice.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Datura
Sat Apr 13, 2013 9:35 PM
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LW2: You tell 'em, Annie's. It's easy for us to read a couple paragraphs and say "run, now!", but it's (usually) not that simple when you've given years of your life to someone. Often the letter writers need help really processing what's right for them so they'll be sure.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Steve C
Sat Apr 13, 2013 10:38 PM
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 refers to the second letter on 15 November 2012, and was also discussed on 2, 3 & 11 February 2013.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Sat Apr 13, 2013 11:30 PM
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I disagree that LW1 shouldn't change what she talks about to 'please' others. Being able to converse with people on general topics is a skill that must be learned. Yes, she should find like minded people, but if everyone she talks to finds her annoying or strange she may very well be *being* annoying or strange, and she won't find like minded people if she chases them all off before they get to know her. Take the Annie's advice and ask some one you trust (who's older, but won't spare your feelings) and ask what about the way you present yourself is off putting. Eventually you'll find like minded people, but making friends is a lot like dating: you have to ease people into your oddities or you never get a second date.
Comment: #4
Posted by: wyn667
Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:34 AM
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LW1--"All I want is to be accepted without all the snooty faces and glares I get at school." Sweetie, I realize you moved around a lot as a child but what planet were you living on? Ask any adult alive today, of any age, and you will likely find that their high school experience is similar to yours. High schools as defined by the age and maturity of their occupants are notorious for being cliquish and the social caste system is always broken up between the popular kids, geeks, nerds, dweebs, drama and band people, the outcasts and the nobody's. This is how it's been since time immemorial. The question is, where do you fit in? It's obvious to me that you're intelligent and since you've never had a chance to fit in, I can see where you find the vapid behavior of your classmates to be rude and irritating. Instead of trying to change everyone else, instead try modifying your own behavior. My advice is to find people who appreciate your unique wit and sophisticated conversation and hang with them. It doesn't matter if everyone else is rolling their eyes, smirking or snickering behind your back. It's only high school and it will be over before you know it.
LW2--Angry and bitter much? It seems as though you need to go see a counselor.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Chris
Sun Apr 14, 2013 3:06 AM
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LW1, I have to admit I think you've boxed yourself in here, which others seem to be hinting at as well -- in your letter you both express the wish to "fit in and make friends" and yet still defiantly want to be "different". Don't you understand that these are a bit mutually exclusive? Someone so determined to "march to the beat of their own drummer" *is* often going to seem a little off-putting to people -- even in adult life!
Making friends is often hard to do without having some mutual interest in common, some way for people to become familiar with you and not just see you as "quirky and weird". Honestly, I think you'd do well to join a club or activity -- and one in which weirdness is a little encouraged. Theater, band, chorus, yearbook... take a look around your school and pick one, and then stick with it for at least a year. I think you'll find that just working with your fellow students towards a shared goal will start to naturally let people get to know you better.
But you will also have to make an effort to be a little less "shocking", too, especially at the beginning. Let people know that you like some of the same things they do, and don't be so eager to show how "different" you are right from the very beginning.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Apr 14, 2013 3:18 AM
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LW2, I don't think anyone's going to give a better answer than the one Chris gave! I kind of pity whoever is involved with LW2 because he/she seems to think the right answer to any bump in the road is to bolt, rather than to work at finding a solution or spending the time to figure out what the core problems are. There is an element of bitterness in this letter, as well as self-centeredness -- and wanting to poison everyone else, too. Misery loves company, I guess.
LW3, a good reminder that it's not just high school students who can have trouble making friends -- trying new things, joining interesting groups or clubs, can be good answers for people feeling a little lonely at any age.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Apr 14, 2013 3:21 AM
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Wow, I am so incredibly disappointed in the Annies' disgustingly sexist and inept advice to LW1. I cannot believe the Annies would advise this struggling young girl to talk out her problems with not only an aunt, grandparent or teacher, but even with a freakin' NEIGHBOR without ever suggesting she talk to her own FATHER. Suggesting she talk to her MOTHER is right up at the top of the list, which is great, but seriously? This girl is supposed to walk past her Dad and across the street to talk to some person shoveling their driveway or mowing their lawn and say "The kids at school think I'm weird. What should I do?" Trust me, it won't be just the kids at school who thinks she's weird after that.
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Did the Annies totally miss the fact this teen just MOVED to her neighborhood RECENTLY??? In today's two-parent working households, the days of chatting over white picket fences ended about 30 years ago. Few people are home during the day, most are too busy after work and on weekends to give neighbors the time of day. Most kids don't even know their neighbors' names after years of living in the same place. Unlike most of my neighbors, I am even home all day, have lived in the same house for 7 years with my own kids, within a 200-foot radius of about 15 kids/teens, and I would be lucky to name three of them. Most I would not recognize if I tripped over them. This girl has probably never had any contact with her new neighbors beyond saying hi as she walks by. What world are the Annies living in that they would think a new neighbor this girl has barely met would be a better source of advice and comfort for a daughter than her own DAD?
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The sad part is that Dads, and men, generally tend to have a different perspective on people, relationships and ways of interacting with people than females tend to. Her father (or an UNCLE!) could in fact provide some very good, objective insights and advice into her troubles with fitting in, and these would likely be different from what her mother or an aunt or other female might say. Considering this girl is no doubt being socially rejected by BOYS as well as girls at her high school, Dad's take on the situation could be especially useful. And Dad, unlike a neighbor, could actually do something to help her, like take her to a doctor for an evaluation.
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The Annies continuing failure to even see, let alone value, the powerful contribution fathers make as parents has always baffled me, but when that advocate a new neighbor as a source of advice before they will advocate dad, that's really repugnant. The Annies should really pick up a copy of Men's Health sometime and introduce themselves to the concept of men as real, feeling, valuable, caring human beings. They might actually learn something refreshing.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Jane
Sun Apr 14, 2013 5:54 AM
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@ Jane Re: #8
Your post makes some excellent points. You're right in that LW1's father or another man might give her a completely different perspective on how she might go about fitting in better. Men tend to socialize differently than women do and many have a knack for interacting with all sorts of different people effortlessly. For the Annies to completely miss this avenue lends credibility, as much as I hate to admit it, to Princess Bride's constant assertion that they hold a bias against men.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Chris
Sun Apr 14, 2013 6:04 AM
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Re: Chris
How would you have addressed the LW had he been a boy????
OBNOXIOUS
JERK!!
Comment: #10
Posted by: clemma
Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:41 AM
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@ clemma Re: #10
"How would you have addressed the LW had he been a boy????"
Maybe I would had used "honey" instead of "sweetie"? Sometimes I go for "pumpkin" but it's spring and not fall. The LW didn't strike me as a "lamb" or a "dear" so it can get complicated at that point. At the end of the day I just go with my gut I guess and since the LW seemed rather sweet...well.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Chris
Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:53 AM
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Jane, I don't disagree that the Annies should have included fathers in their list of suggested people that LW could consult, but to call that oversight "disgustingly sexist" makes you look like the extremist with the chip on your shoulder. Most of the advice was reasonable - the girl wants to be accepted but apparently has no filters on what she says when and to whom. And that's not uncommon for adolescents still in the process of growing up. What do you think "taking her to a doctor for an evaluation' is going to reveal? That she's an awkward teenager? The solution is to grow up over time and pay attention to the world around you. I taught high school for 22 years, and believe me, the kids who feel awkward and believe everyone else is laughing at them are the majority.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sun Apr 14, 2013 8:13 AM
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Re: L3
"He should consider joining a fraternal organization like the Elks, Moose, Eagles, Masons and Shriners, or a service club such as Rotary, Kiwanis, Optimists, Cosmopolitans, etc."
If the LW follows this advice he'll be wind up being the "belle of the ball" for sure but not quite in the way he intended since he'll be the only member under 75! Wasn't there a Seinfeld episode about this?
Comment: #13
Posted by: EstherGreenwood
Sun Apr 14, 2013 8:38 AM
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LW1 -
If you want to be accepted and fit in, then find like minds who think like you do to associate with. Don't try to twist yourself into a pretzel to become what other people want, but rather find people who are like you. Nobody can become a patchwork that will please everyone. Right now, you seem to be trying to push a square peg into a round hole with the wrong group of people.
This being stated, there is something to be said about being a well-rounded conversationalist. Learn to discuss a wide variety of subjects, to ask people questions about themselves and to truly listen to the answer. Over time, you will find you can fit in with a wider variety of people than you used to, at least on a social basis.
You may also want to see if there is cause that is dear to your heart, and do some volunteer work in that domain. It's remarkable how people forge bonds when they're working towards a common goal. Not to mention that it'll provide you with good life experience, allow you to acquire some useful skills and it'll look good on your resume when you start looking for gainful employment.
In the meantime, you can't demand that people who think very differently than you stop seeing you like an oddball. If you find yourself to be so different from most people you come across, then don't give them fodder for bullying and keep your opinions to yourself when you meet new people, until you feel confident that you have like minds to share them with - silence is golden, there is nothing that says that you HAVE to open your mouth and make noise. Or make them talk about themselves. (Don't ask me how I know this.)
But right now, you remind me of people who insist on wearing purple Mohawks and a ton of piercings and tatoos, and then complain that people stare. Get rid of the shoulder chip. Even people who would be soul mates to you will not find your company appealing with that Charlie Brown attitude.
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@Clemma
I don't see that Chris gave insensitive advice, everything he said was perfectly factual and actually complementary to what *I'm* saying (even though I'm female), so I must be an obnoxious jerk too!
There are times when Chris CAN be insensitive and callous, but this is not one of them. If you never make the distinction, then you start sounding like Princess Bride with his obsessive one-liner.
@Chris
Hey sunny boy, you've arrived! You've attracted your own troll! ;-D
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:32 AM
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Re: Not suggesting the LW talk to her father -- let's remember that a lot of these letters get edited, and sometimes details that we BTL would think pertinent are left out.
For example, it's entirely possible that the LW is being raised by a single mom, or a widow; or that she and her dad have a terrible relationship; information the Annies knew when they wrote their response but was edited out of the letter to save space.
But, even so, it's still a point well taken -- perhaps the Annies should have said "parent(s)" instead of just focusing on mom.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:46 AM
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LW2: Am I the only person who was appalled by this comment?
"When a wife is no longer attracted to her husband because he is overweight or doesn't bathe and isn't going to change, she should leave him and get back to enjoying life"
Someone who thinks like this has no issue getting married or even being in a serious relationship with another person. A marriage should be a commitment which, ideally, should last a lifetime. You do not dump another person unless there is a an extremely good reason for doing so, like the other person being a danger to you or being a real drain on your life and happiness, and being completely unwilling to change. It is different to dump a person who is making your life miserable and is unwilling to change because they think there is no problem and it is you who is being unreasonable. It is different to dump a person when, after many attempts to save the marriage, you both realize that you are profoundly unhappy with each other and making each other miserable. You dump a person when they become a danger to your health, your sanity, your happiness, your life. You dump a person when you detect a dangerous power imbalance and hints of abuse. You dump a person when you realize you married them for all the wrong reasons. People are not disposable. If you dump a spouse just because they got fat without even finding put why they are fat in the first place (depression, a health issue?), you are too immature to be in a relationship.
You read these letters and then you wonder how they are people who have the guts to say that gay marriage would destroy the "sanctity" of marriage, when many heterosexuals are already doing a pretty good job disrespecting it
Comment: #16
Posted by: R
Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:46 AM
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@Michelle: I hope this isn't too inappropriate, but I read dear Abby today and the first letter reminded me of your situation. I'm not sure if you read her, but I think you could probably relate.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Casey
Sun Apr 14, 2013 10:15 AM
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Lol, I have to wonder if Clemma is a letter writer that Chris offended in the past.
Either way, sweetheart, you're moving on up! You have your own troll ;)
Comment: #18
Posted by: Casey
Sun Apr 14, 2013 10:20 AM
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I'm responding to your column from Saturday -"Teen son knows everything about driving.". When I took Drivers Ed., way back then, we were required to watch a movie titled, "...And Sudden Death.", that consisted of scenes from fatal accidents, twisted wreckage, gurneys being loaded into ambulances with blood soaked sheets covering bodies. State Police doing what they do to reconstruct the accidents and a voice-over describing what happened, who was involved and forces involved. A scary movie all teenage drivers should be required to watch while they hold their new license in their hot and sweaty lil' hands. In the same paper where I read your column there was a news report of a crash where two teen drivers ran stop signs that killed 3 people. One was going under 30 that got t-boned by one the was going 80 or better. Inertia is what kills. Go 80 mph and stop in 1/4 of a second - the forces involved will turn a teenage body into smeared meat. I've had my share of near fatal escapes that cured me of hot-rodding and my time in the ER gave me a healthy respect for 'sudden death'. It seems like a loooong time when it's happening but it's over in seconds. And death is just a heartbeat away and 60 mph is 5280 feet per second. By the time you react and start to hit the brakes, you're dead.
(edit this so it gets the point across, if you please)
Comment: #19
Posted by: Patrick Coppage
Sun Apr 14, 2013 11:45 AM
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Patrick:
Various video-sharing services have a number of these driver's education films from pre-1970 or so ... back when the State Police purportedly actually filmed the actual scenes of these accidents, such as what you described ... and sometimes showed these bloodied, dismembered, (sometimes) charred bodies as they were being pulled from the wreckage ... or heck, sometimes still inside these cars.
The re-enactments you're describing were of the events leading up to the crashes, with the drivers making common mistakes -- fatigue, speeding and reckless driving, drunk driving, driving cars in poor mechanical condition ... yes, 1960s-style distracted driving (remember, that was the era long before cellular phones, which were only in a handful of cars owned by the very rich) ... the list went on. The live scenes filmed came years before privacy laws were created (i.e., you won't see these graphic scenes of real accidents in today's films for partly that reason), and because a few of these films didn't have disclaimers at the beginning, it was at the teacher's discretion to decide whether to warn the students about the graphic content or to let them be shocked into seeing what might happen if they don't drive as their lives depended on it.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Bobaloo
Sun Apr 14, 2013 12:13 PM
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LW1: Uh, I wish I knew what to say. It appears that you might have interests that are a bit different – what with some of them calling them "odd" – than others, and you've suggested that some of what you say is being wrongly interpreted by others.
This could be nerves, it could be anxiety (moving to a new school and having to meet new classmates/potential friends ever few months) ... there could be slight Asperger's at work here ... it could be anything. Same with why her family seems to be moving all the time – a military family where there are frequent re-assignments, a company that requires transfers on short notice and are frequent ... the list goes on.
The possibilities are so endless as to what the LW's situation is, with little to no control over the situation, but it's apparent that the instability in her life isn't helping things. I wish I knew what advice to give except stick it out and try to assess your hobbies and interests, and then ask your guidance counselor or a teacher you've gotten to know and trust for help in maybe finding a club or organization where you might fit in. And then hope your family can settled down and not live life on the road. (Which may be wishful thinking.)
LW2: While I agree that counseling only works to save a marriage if both spouses want to save the relationship and/or are willing to at least work at it, I can see the Annie's POV. Counseling can get a few issues on the table, sort out emotions and decide how to proceed next.
That said, I guess this is the second letter like this in a few days – we had someone else diss suggestions to teens to go to his/her guidance counselor if he/she had a problem.
And, it's apparent that the LW wants a Robert Redford or Ben Affleck, not her current husband, regardless of whether he's willing to or can change. I'd say, get out of the relationship now and go looking at the college bars for your young Justin Bieber-type guy. It's what you want, right?
Well, right?
Comment: #21
Posted by: Bobaloo
Sun Apr 14, 2013 12:24 PM
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@CLEMMA- you're hit & run one-liners are WAY more obnoxious than CHRIS could ever be. You seem a tad bit obsessed with CHRIS.
Comment: #22
Posted by: JustBecause
Sun Apr 14, 2013 1:30 PM
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Maggie Lawrence, some people felt women were "extremist" and had a chip on their shoulder when the dear little things wanted equal treatment in the workforce. That doesn't mean the women who fought for those things were wrong. Likewise, blatant sexism towards equal treatment of men's parental rights and respect for their contributions to the family and as parents needs to be questioned and addressed, not blindly accepted. Frankly, had people responded like you to the women's equality movement, then we would still be blindly accepting letters like this:
Dear Annies,
I'm a sophomore in high school. I know I want to be successful in my career. I want to climb the ladder, make decent money, and be respected and admired by my peers. The problem is, I don't know how to do that. My career ambitions aren't the same as the other kids, and they laugh at my ideas. I've been to my guidance counselor. What else should I do?
Wants to Succeed
Dear Wants to Succeed: Please talk to someone who can give you pointers on being successful in a career: your father, a sibling, grandparent, uncle, neighbor or teacher.
And by the way, I have also taught young people, but never did I feel that qualified me to know what was best for them more than their own PARENT. I cared deeply about my students' welfare and did my very best for them, but today most are a vague memory. How many parents would say that?
Comment: #23
Posted by: Jane
Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:01 PM
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Chris, wow, as someone I greatly respect, thank you!
Comment: #24
Posted by: Jane
Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:02 PM
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Jane, jumping on the tiniest omission and calling it "disgustingly sexist" is what is extreme - and counter-productive - not expecting equal pay for equal work. The Annies should have said "parents" instead of "mother" - so what? World coming to an end? And as others have noted, the columns get edited, sometimes quite severely, and you don't know that the LW didn't mention that she lived with her mother.
Patrick Cubbage......"and 60 mph is 5280 feet per second" - my math's not that good, but 60 mph is 5280 feet PER MINUTE. That's about 88 feet per second.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sun Apr 14, 2013 2:27 PM
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LW1: I make friends fairly easily and I find that a good way to do that is to compliment something about that person; for example, "I really like that shirt you are wearing, the color is flattering." Something as simple as that can be a conversation starter. Save the random stuff for later, work on finding more mainstream conversations starters. Find a group to join that matches your interests, music, poetry, drama, sports, dancing, band, chess and you'll meet people with common interests.
LW2: Get some counseling.
Comment: #26
Posted by: PuaHone
Sun Apr 14, 2013 3:12 PM
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Re: Casey #17
I do read Dear Abby and I could relate to the LW's daughter. My ex also bought me a fake ring. It always looked chintzy but I figured it was in my head. Nope. I went to sell it to help pay for my divorce and every jeweler told me it was a fake. I found out when we split up that he told anybody he knew that I left him because I didn't like his mother. While she was horrible, wretched woman, HE was the reason I left...not her. Abby was right in her reponse. Be thakful she's rid of him and had no kids with him.
LW1 - I'd be curious to know exactly what you're saying and doing to make the other kids label you annoying and weird. I know that high school kids aren't the greatest but I find it odd that anywhere you go, you have the same problem. I knew a girl my freshman year of college who was really annoying and strange. She tried too hard to impress people. She would walk up to a group and use big words to try to impress them. Big words don't impress most people. I remember one time she joined us at lunch and a friend was talking about her boyfriend and she started whining, "I've never had a boyfriend. Boys don't like me! I have dreams where I make love but I want it for real!" Odd.
One day I was at lunch by myself when she asked to join me and I said yes. She immidiatly tried hard to impress me and it was annoying. I said, "I can tell you're trying too hard. Just be yourself. Just talk. What classes are you taking?" She calmed down and just starting talking. She was a bit quirky but she realized she didn't have to try so hard and things got better for her. I'm not saying that's definitly you but if you trying too hard, it can be a turn off.
But like others said...try to find a group with different kinds of kids.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Michelle
Sun Apr 14, 2013 4:14 PM
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Re: EstherGreenwood ~ My youngest son is a Mason...he's 33 years old. So much for your "under 75" remark.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Ms Davie
Sun Apr 14, 2013 7:58 PM
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@Ms Davie
That's good to hear because they do (or used to do) a lot of volunteer work in communities. I read that most of the fraternal organizations were dying out due to lack of new members. I don't know anyone under 80 who belongs to the Elks, Moose or Eagles in my dad's circle. I'll bet the Masons are the exception though with their long, varied and somewhat mysterious history and ties to the founding fathers and other historical movers and shakers.
Comment: #29
Posted by: EstherGreenwood
Sun Apr 14, 2013 9:04 PM
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L1: I was also bullied in school (in much the same shunning sort of way, yes it is a form of bullying), but my senior year I clicked with the geeks, misfits, and otherwise other "socially awkward" kids. These friendship continued well past high school and I even eventually dated, married, and had a baby with one of my high school friends. I still grab coffee with another of my friends, and another one we meet up anytime she comes into town when she gets time off from her time working as a doctor. Almost all of us have turned into successful and happy adults; we each have personality, perseverance, and the strength of character to be who we are and not to live by anyone's expectations but our own, plus geeks tend to be gifted with some great smarts. When you're young, all you want to do is fit in. When you're older, all you want to be is different. When you're a misfit, you're already ahead of the curve and all those others will have to catch up when they hit adulthood. Don't worry, your time will come. I know it feels like you will always be alone, and that the opinion of others are so important, but they aren't. I promise "it get's better." Plus that kid that the other people are shunning too? They could turn out to be your best friend.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Lilykun
Mon Apr 15, 2013 8:06 AM
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>>When you're young, all you want to do is fit in. When you're older, all you want to be is different. When you're a misfit, you're already ahead of the curve ...<<
Wow, Lilykun. I hope you don't mind, but I lifted that as my favorite quote of the day. Wiser words were never spoken.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Mon Apr 15, 2013 12:12 PM
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Annie, you two have to be closer to my age than to the high school sophomore. "You can also select one girl from your class ... and confide in her ..." That might have worked 40, 30, even 20 years ago, but not anymore. You are out of touch with the society in which this this young lady lives (as does my high-school-age granddaughter with Asperger's, so I know whereof I speak).
Instead of putting the onus on the letter-writer to become "more accessible", tell her how to be stronger while retaining her integrity. When commenting on the chip on her shoulder, call it a badge of courage in retaining her integrity and resenting having it it thought insignificant. The chip got there for a reason; so acknowlege it positively.
Besides your choices, she has others that don't rely on her changing who she is.
ahd she really shouldn't have to, you know. She's not at fault for being who she is, the others are at fault for their intolerance. She can seek out the other "rejects" (those not pretty enough, those too academic, those into anime, for example) not to be part of the "in crowd". Or she can seek out the loner, the other person who is "awkward for life" who has come to terms with that and has made it a strength rather than a pity party, and emulate - and hopefully - be accepted by this person. The other alternative is just to accept the fact of today's "mean girls" society and go it alone, but gain personhood from that.
All three of these alternatives got me through high school in the early 1960s when things aren't as brutal for teenagers as they are now. Please do your homework on teenage society today and give practical alternatives to the hurting souls who write to you. I may be called eccentric today, but, boy, are the tables turned at class reunions now!
Been there, done that, got the medals,
Comment: #32
Posted by: Candi Smith
Mon Apr 15, 2013 2:42 PM
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My family moved constantly when I was growing up. To make matters worse, I was small for my age, was extremely shy, and had a younger sister who was not any of those things. After living overseas we finally ended up living in the south, which was fine. I am originally from Texas. But, when I transferred in to a High school in a different southern state, I was definitely the odd one. My speech patterns and accent were different. They thoughI I was a Yankee and everyone outside of the south thought I was a redneck-when I was neither.I agree with Candi. I wish I would have sought out the other loners and the others that were also invisible. It would have made a huge difference in my high school and college years.
Comment: #33
Posted by: jac
Mon Apr 15, 2013 3:55 PM
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LW1: Start caring more about how you feel about you and you'll care less what others think. Healthy self-esteem involves recognizing that other people don't decide your value - you do. Also stop worrying about people who have such little impact on your life - in 10 years you're not even going to remember most of them so don't waste your time caring about them.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Diana
Wed Apr 17, 2013 8:08 PM
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LW 1-I'm surprised no one has suggested this young girl research Aspergers. Its hard to say for sure since she moved so much but it couldn't hurt for her to look up some general information on it. It is high on the autism spectrum. Many people who have it look extremely normal and often have higher than average iqs which often leads to them sounding like little professors. The large vocabulary is not intentionally used to impress others as most seem to think. If the general descriptions ring a bell I would suggest picking up a copy of Aspergirls. Women with Aspergers are not alone. It is a relieef to know why you are different and that it is neurological and not a mental illness.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Ms. Richett
Sun Apr 21, 2013 10:21 AM
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