ANNIE'S MAILBOX(R) by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar on Creators.com

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Annie's Mailbox, October 31

Dear Annie: My husband's parents are wonderful people in their late 70s, but I am concerned that their kindness is being abused by my brother-in-law, "Dan," and his wife, "Jane."

Mom and Dad have always been involved in their grandchildren's lives, but lately it has become taxing for them both physically and mentally. Dan and Jane call on them for baby-sitting day and night. Often they drop the three kids off the evening before. My in-laws always oblige, even though the youngest is not even a year old.

Last spring, Dan lost his job. He now is home all day, but the kids are still with Grandma and Grandpa a lot of the time. Twice in the last two months, Dan and Jane strolled in well after 1:00 a.m. and my in-laws had to drive themselves home in the wee hours.

Saturday, Dan dropped the kids off at Mom's while he went golfing with a neighbor. Yet he complains that they don't have enough money to hire a sitter. I have taken Dan's kids when my schedule allows, but I think it is irresponsible for them to expect his parents to be their children's caregivers. I have been biting my tongue, but it is obvious to everyone that they are taking advantage of his parents. Should I speak up? I don't want to cause a family feud. — Fuming Over Freeloaders

Dear Fuming: Your husband should talk to his brother, explaining that it's becoming difficult for Mom and Dad to take care of such young children, and urge him not to count on them so often. You are a caring daughter-in-law, but to a great extent, this is up to Grandma and Grandpa. Until they decide they've had enough, there's not much you can do.

Dear Annie: My brother "Tim" passed away from cancer two months ago. He had never married.

Within hours, my younger brother and his wife actually went through Tim's house and took what they wanted.

My own mother kept all the money from his sympathy cards instead of using it to help pay for a headstone. Even before the funeral, several family members took over Tim's house and property and went through his personal things. Whatever they didn't want, they handed to whoever was around.

I live several states away, and right now, I don't ever want to speak to these relatives again. Your thoughts, please. — It's Hard Enough To Lose a Loved One

Dear Hard Enough: Some people behave in appalling ways when a loved one dies. What seems like greed could also have been a way for family members to keep something of Tim's to remember him by, although your mother's behavior is hard to excuse. Please try to find a way to forgive them.

Dear Annie: Touche to "Put Some Clothes On," who complained about the way some women dress.

If one of my girls looked like a burlesque queen, she wouldn't get past me, let alone out the front door. I've taught my daughters, granddaughters and great-granddaughters: "If you advertise, it means you have something to sell." — Great-Grandma in Sarasota, Fla.

Dear Grandma: Cheers to you. We're sure no one even tried escaping out your back door.

Dear Readers: Happy Halloween. Please dress your trick-or-treaters in flame-retardant costumes that don't obstruct walking or vision, and be sure an adult accompanies them. And when you tuck them into bed, don't forget to change your clocks back one hour and replace the batteries in your smoke alarms.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

Comments

6 Comments | Post Comment

You gave an incorrect answer to the woman whose brother passed away and her family descended on his belongings and funeral donations. You told her to forgive...nope, incorrect. She needs to place a codicil to her and her husband's wills, placing a person that they trust to immediately safeguard their house and belongings upon their death, should they die together. If the wife dies first she should protect her husband from these souvenir hunters.These are not relatives, they are vultures.
BEEN THERE

Comment: #1
Posted by: Blenie
Sat Oct 31, 2009 10:08 AM

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Some girls take the clothes and put them in their school lockers and change for the day.

Comment: #2
Posted by: BB
Sat Oct 31, 2009 2:25 PM

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My advice to the woman who lost her brother is to NOT LISTEN TO THE ANNIES. They often give seriously stupid advice and this is one of them. Do not forgive these disgusting people. They weren't grieving - they were stealing. You should call the police and force them to return everything. They had no legal right to enter his home and rob it after he died which is exactly what they did. Please call the police and report this hideous crime. And as Blenie pointed out you need to take steps to protect yourself as well.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Diana
Sat Oct 31, 2009 3:34 PM

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Re: Blenie -- While I agree with you in priciple, I don't think putting that in the will is going to protect their homes and belongings from encroaching relatives when they die. The will is not read immediately or even before the funeral usually. So all the relatives and friends will show up to grab what they can before the will is read. I'm not sure what the answer is other than perhaps assign a trustworthy relative or friend to protect their belongings until their wills are read. A lawyer may have a better solution and perhaps this question should be raised the next time they update their wills. Perhaps it's possible to give someone power of attorney to take affect only upon their deaths and to just to make sure their written instructions are carried out before their wills are read. I would guess the person for this job would be the person they assign as executor of their wills. I'm not sure if something like that could be done, but it's worth looking into. While I wouldn't say most people would need to do this, the lw's family has already shown their true colors. You just somehow know they'll go grab what they can of this relative's belongings as soon as they can. It also might be a good idea to leave a list of items and the people who should inherit them. Let everyone know that such a list exists and that no one should take anything until given permission by the executor to take them. I wonder whether it's possible to direct the executor or the lawyer handling the settling of an estate to prosecute anyone who takes anything without permission.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat Oct 31, 2009 6:41 PM

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1: Yes, the grandparents are the ones who need to speak up about the babysitting situation. They raised this man and they need to deal with the problem - if there is one. I wonder whether they're complaining. It could be that the lw is aware that they're having difficulties as she points out. But there may also be some jealousy involved. If she's really worried, she should talk to her in-laws to find out whether the babysitting is too much for them. If so, they should be encouraged to speak up on their own behalf or she could bring up the subject to the bil when his parents are present.

2: The lw didn't mention that the brother left a will. One would certainly think that a person diagnosed with cancer (or any other life threatening illness) would make sure they had one. Or perhaps some people think that having a will written up would "jinx" them. Maybe the brother had a very good idea of what kind of people were in his family and just decided to "leave it to them" so to speak and not write a will.

3: Regarding the clothes, I have to agree with BB. I'm 60 and I can still remember the girls who used to come into my parents "mom and pop" style grocery store when I was a young child 50 years ago. The middle and high school girls would stop in after school to lower their skirts (they had them hitched up by rolling the waistbands) and remove their makeup. The moms and dads thought their daughters were good and obedient little girls, but we saw what they were really wearing to school.

Comment: #5
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat Oct 31, 2009 6:54 PM

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Re the plundering of the deceased's home: This is a common occurrence where people feel they are entitled to come in and just take things. If there is a will in place, the personal representative (executor) most certainly has the fiduciary responsibility to put the vultures on written notice that they have a set time within which to return the items they removed from the home. But they have to be willing to actually take the action, rather than just sit back and let things happen. If there was no will, then sorry to say, only the next of kin would have that right. Again, though, they would have to take legal action if the vultures did not return the items voluntarily.

Comment: #6
Posted by: JustMe
Sat Oct 31, 2009 9:08 PM

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Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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Annie's Mailbox, October 31

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