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Annie's Mailbox®, October 5

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Dear Annie: I have been married to the perfect woman for 13 years. If I had to order a wife, it would be her. We have wonderful, healthy kids, and I thought I had a great marriage.

Last year, we became friends with "Stan and Betty" through our kids' activities. The four of us hit it off as if we'd known each other forever. We went out to dinner together, had them to our home, spent time with each other's families.

About two months ago, I started having a funny feeling about my wife and Stan. I made a few mental notes about my wife being secretive on the phone, and when I received our cell phone bill, I discovered she and Stan were calling each other at all hours of the day and night. She got out of bed to call him. She called during family vacations. And then she'd erase the number so I wouldn't see it.

When I confronted her, she claimed they were not having an affair. I called Betty and let her in on it. My wife promised she would have no more phone contact with Stan, but the very next day, she called him from her office landline. I found out because the call registered on Stan's cell phone and Betty told me.

Needless to say, my perfect marriage is wrecked. I no longer believe my wife when she says they aren't having sex. We are in counseling, trying to work through this nightmare, but I can't eat or sleep. In addition, we still have to see Stan and Betty at our children's events. The sight of him makes my blood boil. Any suggestions? — Bad Judge of Friends

Dear Judge: Please continue with your counseling to find out if you can forgive your wife for this betrayal — which it was, whether it involved sex or not. Etiquette advises snubbing a person who has behaved despicably toward you. When you see Stan in public, ignore him as if he were completely invisible. We hope your anger will diminish in time.

Dear Annie: Our son was recently married, and some of my siblings opted to golf in a local tournament instead of coming to the ceremony.

They showed up at the reception in their golf clothes, three hours after it started.

Most of our other guests were shocked by this. These relatives knew the date of the wedding months ago. The local golf tournament was trivial, and they participate in similar ones regularly. There was nothing special about this one.

We were hurt, angry, disappointed and also embarrassed, although our friends say the golfers are the ones who should be embarrassed. Do you think what they did was OK, or are their priorities out of order? — Confused Parents

Dear Confused: These relatives were incredibly rude. It's bad enough to skip out on an important once-in-a-lifetime event in order to play golf in a minor tournament, but to show up at the reception in golf clothes was a blatant display of disrespect. They owe you an apology, although we doubt they have the sense to realize it.

Dear Annie: This is for "Sad Mom," whose daughter has herpes. I have had herpes for 15 years and have had three long-term relationships during that time. Not one of the men cared about the herpes because they loved me. Herpes is not a death sentence. You can minimize the chances of transmitting it.

Yes, it was excruciatingly hard to tell someone before having sex, but that helped me avoid becoming intimate too quickly. I haven't had a breakout in more than two years. Because stress can precipitate breakouts, I have become a stress-free person. Herpes is not the worst thing she can have. This is not the end of her social life. It's simply a different path. — Minnesota

Dear Minnesota: Thank you for your words of encouragement. We hope they help.

Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2009 CREATORS.COM


Comments

7 Comments | Post Comment
"Etiquette" does NOT dictate snubbing those who have wronged us; avoid them, yes, but the advice to snub them does nothing to elevate the wronged party above the transgressor. I find the advice these ladies give often to be kneejerk and poorly considered, and their formulaic three-line responses are sorely lacking. There is often a deeper lying issue to the problems described in their columns and rarely do they seem to see them, let alone fully understand them.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Karen
Mon Oct 5, 2009 8:43 AM
Regarding "Minnesota," I'm 63 and have had herpes since I was 55. I'm just wondering how she manages to have a stress-free life.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Mary M. Lewis
Mon Oct 5, 2009 10:37 AM
"Etiquette advises snubbing a person who has behaved despicably toward you. When you see Stan in public, ignore him as if he were completely invisible. We hope your anger will diminish in time."

Etiquette is beginning to sound a lot like religion in this column.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jayn Cameron
Mon Oct 5, 2009 8:50 PM
WTF. hey karen.
Comment: #4
Posted by: devon
Mon Oct 5, 2009 8:56 PM
Re: Jayn Cameron. Ettiquette sounding like religion? How so?
Comment: #5
Posted by: Matt
Tue Oct 6, 2009 2:12 AM
Re: Karen
One wonders why you still read this column? Snubbing is perfectly acceptable, and etiquette correct. Maybe not the best way to go for an other type of offense, but would you rather the cuckold pretend nothing happened? The Annies did not suggest that he insult, call out or otherwise make the situation worse. Ignoring the other person's existence is a very good idea, and a mature way of handling the problem, until such a time as the husband is ready to have a civil conversation with his wifes lover...if ever.
Comment: #6
Posted by: mph
Sat Feb 26, 2011 12:42 PM
Re: Karen
One wonders why you still read this column? Snubbing is perfectly acceptable, and etiquette correct. Maybe not the best way to go for an other type of offense, but would you rather the cuckold pretend nothing happened? The Annies did not suggest that he insult, call out or otherwise make the situation worse. Ignoring the other person's existence is a very good idea, and a mature way of handling the problem, until such a time as the husband is ready to have a civil conversation with his wifes lover...if ever.
Comment: #7
Posted by: mph
Sat Feb 26, 2011 12:42 PM
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