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'General Scoundrels'

Comment

Just when everyone had written the obit for soap operas, they are very much alive on talk shows, newscasts and a hot topic for comics. With the resurgence of the soap opera this week, I have decided to create my own soap — "General Scoundrels."

Every soap has a bible. A bible is the backstory of the soap. Since I created this, I also get to be the casting director. Soap characters will be given the task of taking these creations off the page and onto the television screen.

Here is the backstory. A four-star general, head of a counterintelligence agency, meets a beautiful married woman who writes his biography. The general will be played by "Young and Restless" Victor, the man who thinks he can do anything and get away with it. Although the general may have compromised international security, everyone is doing cartwheels to say what a wonderful man he is. It is like Nikki on "Y and R." No matter what Victor does, she and his children, Victoria and Nick, cluck, cluck about what a great guy he is down deep.

His lover has to be Erica on "All My Children." She does not care if she is married with children. She meets the general and goodbye everything else. Just like the general's lover, Erica has written a biography — her own — and she loves a man in a uniform and one who courts danger. She spent many years in love with CIA operative Mike Roy.

Next is another general. A hero with lots of time on his hands — enough time to send 20 to 30 thousand "flirtatious" emails to a female friend in a year. I guess leading the troops in Afghanistan is not time consuming. "General Hospital's" Spinelli gets the role. Spinelli is a computer whiz who will always put his job as a private eye on hold when anyone needs his electronic expertise.

On to the canvas comes the woman who brings everyone and everything down.

She considered the emails from the general's lover threatening, and she contacts the FBI.

Can you say Dorian from "One Life to Live?" This character is so Dorian, she insists on diplomatic immunity. Only problem is she is not a diplomat. She does give fabulous parties. Even those soirees are tainted. It has been reported that the money did not go to the named charity. Of course, Erica would be one to send snarky emails to any one she considers a threat.

We have a lawyer who nobody spends much time with unless they are in trouble. Michael Baldwin: "Young and Restless." Has anyone ever invited him to a party? He is lucky if they let him sit down and have a glass of water.

Finally, the man who helped the damsel in email distress sent her emails in which he was shirtless. That would be "Days of Our Lives'" Rafe, a mysterious man who looks great sans shirt.

The most soap opera element of the entire affair is how stupid these guys were. We are talking head of the CIA. He sets up an email account using a phony name and password. The recipient also has this name and password. Any third grader knows how to do this, and realizes emails do not go away and can be easily traced. If a soap opera tried this, viewers would snap off the television and wonder how stupid the writers think they are.

I am surprised they did not communicate in pig Latin.

There is the long-suffering wife. It has to be Viki ("OLTL"). Like Viki, she may be long-suffering, but she will not take any bunk. Seems the wife is furious and declines to go on news shows and say, "I forgive and stand by him."

On "Morning Joe," the MSNB morning talk show, a guest called the affair the "Young and the Shirtless." Steven Colbert and Jon Stewart also mentioned the soap aspects of this bizarre affair.

The anchor said around here we watch "Days of Our Lives." See, folks are still watching soaps; they even know the names of the shows and use it as a reference as they know their viewers also know and watch these shows.

To find out more about Lynda Hirsch and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate web page at www.creators.com.

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