Beck/Smith Hollywood's Fearless Predictions for Show Business 2012 by Marilyn Beck & Stacy Jenel Smith on Creators.com

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Beck/Smith Hollywood's Fearless Predictions for Show Business 2012

The New Year is almost here at last! We can't tell you how long it'll take before the world economic picture brightens up or who'll play in the next World Series, but we can shake our Celebrity Crystal Ball and come up with a bundle of fearless predictions for the world of show business in 2012. Such as:

Howard Stern will say something incredibly offensive on "America's Got Talent" and viewers will be outraged for a news cycle, except for the Parents Television Council, which will be outraged longer.

Jon Bon Jovi will continue not to be dead.

Forget opera and motivational speakers. Britney Spears' wedding to Jason Trawick will be presented live in HD at your local movie theater! Yes, for the price of a ticket — oh, let's say two installments of $19.99 — you can get an attendee's view of the ceremony, and for four installments, the double feature of the reception as well.

... Snack bars across the land will serve Brit faves like Cheetos; pasta and hot dogs; and cookie dough ice cream in honor of the event, in addition to stocking velour jumpsuits with "Mrs. Trawick" embroidered across the derriere to sell as souvenirs, and the pop superstar will make so much money that Kim Kardashian will be ticked off she didn't think of it first.

Whoopi Goldberg, whose recent moment of flatulence on "The View" went viral on the Internet, will score a product endorsement deal with Beano.

Prince William's bald spot will grow, though he'll have a little heir.

"Dancing With the Stars" winner J.R. Martinez will make an action movie.

"The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2" will come out as promised next November despite concerns about "Breaking Dawn, Part 1" causing seizures among moviegoers during an especially intense scene. However, the next film will be preceded by an advisory something like this: "Users may experience dizziness, lightheadedness, headache, flushing, heartburn, nosebleeds, trouble sleeping, and swollen hands/ankles/feet. Vision changes such as increased sensitivity to light, blurred vision or trouble telling blue from green may also occur. In the unlikely event that you have a painful or prolonged erection lasting four or more hours, seek medical attention right away."

Beyonce and Jay-Z's baby will be born, cut a record and put out a clothing line before the end of the year, with Mommy and Daddy's help.

An exciting breakthrough for engineers working to solve the problem of slippage at the girder deck construction joints of 20 bridges along Route 40 in the Western U.S.

will occur when they discover they can adopt the technology created for the JWoww stay-in-place bikini line.

Lindsay Lohan will require emergency treatment after sniffing four screenings of "Breaking Dawn, Part 2" in a row.

Miley Cyrus will be caught trying to inhale a screening.

Old rockers will be among the big themes in show business in 2012, what with Paul McCartney coming out with a new album, and The Beach Boys and Van Halen doing reunion tours. Let's just hope nobody falls and breaks a hip while trying to act hip.

Syfy's "Ghost Hunters" will get the fright of their lives when the ghostly visage of Arnold Schwarzenegger's popularity comes stumbling toward them through the darkness.

Charlie Sheen's "Anger Management" series will start strong and fade fast.

The resurgence of sitcoms will continue in 2012.

Lady Gaga's former assistant — she sued the singer for $380,000 she claims is due to her in back overtime, complained publicly that she didn't get enough break time and said Gaga made such demands as requiring fresh towels when she showered — will get her own reality show. After all, outrageous whining worked for Kate Gosselin.

Meryl Streep will get Oscar nomination No. 17 for "The Iron Lady." Duh.

The Best Actor nominations will be dream-ratings bait, with dreamboats Brad Pitt, George Clooney and Leonardo DiCaprio in the running.

"The Artist" will reap top honors.

Charity-minded pop phenom Justin Bieber will be given a herd of Mustang convertibles to give away, just like he gave his best buddy at Christmas. You've got to know Ford was collectively jumping up and down and screaming like a bunch of teenage girls over that gift of publicity.

In an effort to quell those terrible sweatshop labor accusations, Kris Jenner will insist that from now on, all Kardashian product lines must rise to the standards of Fair Trade certification ... ha ha. Just kidding. Like that would ever happen.

Happy New Year, everybody!

To find out more about Marilyn Beck and Stacy Jenel Smith and read their past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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