Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

Dear Margo: I recently accepted a position in a large office. I think it's very nice that people want to express their good wishes for events in co-workers' lives, but why do these people not understand the rules of good taste that accompany these situations? I have been invited to (and expected to attend and provide a gift for) "baby showers" for a co-worker's second or third child. I have been invited to "wedding showers" where both parties have been divorced before (sometimes more than once) and I will not even be invited to the wedding.

I don't wish to be coerced into buying gifts for people I know only on a professional basis. To me, these are personal events, and I feel these celebrations should be held outside of work. I have no problem with those who wish to express their good wishes on an individual basis, but I will not participate in this sort of "gift hounding." How do I let others know that not only will I not participate, but these types of "showers" are in poor taste? — Among the Unwilling

Dear Am: To the first part of your question — letting others know that you do not wish to participate — simply beg off by saying you don't know X all that well, and that your own thinking about such galas is that they should be held in hotels or people's homes. This will pretty much guarantee you the fish eye, seeing as how office showers are quite an established tradition. As for how you should let people know you find these celebrations in poor taste ... well, you shouldn't. Your job is not to be Miss Manners, and I am not even sure you are right. Perhaps when you've been there longer and have made some friends you will feel differently.

Trying To Right a Wrong

Dear Margo: My husband has only one sibling, an adopted brother who's in his 40s. He is a great guy, with a good job, clean record, etc. He is also gay. My in-laws just found out a couple of years ago, when he told them. They were and are furious.

After some time, they began to treat him as they did before, but never mentioning his being gay or asking about his social life. The parents have redone their wills leaving everything to my husband, only because his brother is gay. They are very well off. This slap in the face to my b-i-l angers both my husband and me, but we cannot get them to budge. My b-i-l will be heartbroken, as he adores them both. We have no intention of leaving my b-i-l out when the time comes, but he will be very hurt by their intentions. What can we do to convince them to put him back in the will and make them realize how much their intended exclusion will hurt him? — Distressed

Dear Dis: I don't know that you can make much headway, since their homophobia sounds quite strong, but at a propitious moment, you and your husband might sit down with them and try pointing out how hurt their other son will be. Money, of course, is many things, and one of them is emotional. Ask them to think of their son as they've known him for all these years, not merely in terms of his sexuality. As for "not leaving him out when the time comes," I know of such a case. A former husband was the sole beneficiary of a childless aunt who left everything to him. He thought this was incorrect and hurtful and volitionally shared the estate with his sister. You can do the same. — Margo, equally

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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