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Annie's Mailbox®, March 18
Dear Annie: I am a successful and happily married 28-year-old woman. I have a good life, for which I am grateful, except for one thing.
When I was 15, a close family friend 15 years my senior was staying with my family. I considered "Shawn" to be like a brother. But one night, while my father was watching TV upstairs and my mom and older brother were out of town, he came into my bedroom and tried to force himself on me. Fortunately, when I begged him to stop, he did. He left the room, and I called my brother, crying. When confronted, Shawn admitted it and said he had asked forgiveness from God. Nothing else happened to him.
Shortly after the incident, I became sexually active, then promiscuous, and eventually started using drugs. I know now that a lot of my behavior stemmed from this incident. When I was 19, I moved 1,500 miles away and straightened out my life. Today, I am once again close to my parents and brother.
The problem is, many of my family members still associate with Shawn. Last spring, my father took him on an all-expenses-paid hunting trip. I told my mom how betrayed I felt. She agreed with me and said she'd talk to my father. But I just found out that my dad, brother and sister-in-law went to Shawn's for dinner last week.
Annie, how can I make it clear to my father how much this hurts me? He always says, "The past is the past," but I can't heal completely because I don't feel I was protected after this happened — or now. Can I file charges against Shawn 13 years later? — Betrayed in Missouri
Dear Betrayed: In Missouri, there is a 10-year statute of limitations for unlawful sexual offenses involving a person under age 17. Your father and siblings seem to be in denial about Shawn's character and are amazingly unsupportive of you. You may not be able to get through to Dad if he doesn't want to face up to what happened. But it might help to discuss it with your clergyperson or doctor, or with a therapist who can also intercede with your family.
Dear Annie: I was with my boyfriend for a while and became pregnant. Unfortunately, I had a miscarriage.
I had a hard time getting over the loss, and he promised to be there for me to the end. However, he has since informed me that he was sleeping with another woman during and after the pregnancy. We broke up, and I am slowly trying to get over everything. To say I am hurt is an understatement.
How do I begin to forgive when I haven't done anything to deserve this? How do I forget the betrayal? — Depressed in Seattle
Dear Seattle: You are suffering from two major losses. And keep in mind, pregnancy causes changes in your hormonal levels, which may still be affecting your mood, making everything more difficult. It's no wonder you are depressed. Talk to your gynecologist about some short-term counseling, and contact Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support, Inc. (nationalshare.org) at 1-800-821-6819.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Tennessee," who doesn't believe his daughter is his biological child because she doesn't look like anyone in their family.
As our son grew up, he didn't resemble anyone in our family. At some point, we were given a family Bible. While looking through it, a photo fell out. The person looked exactly like our son, right down to the mustache and beard. The picture was of his great-great-great-grandfather.
I hope reading this will give the man some peace. — Canada
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2010 CREATORS.COM
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41 Comments | Post Comment
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LW2: If you slept with your boyfriend at any point while he was having an affair, get tested for STD's and HIV. Advice columnists fail to stress this as much as they should.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Nicodemus
Wed Mar 17, 2010 11:01 PM
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Even if she can't file charges, somebody needs to know the kind of person Shawn is. She may not be the only person he tried to force himself on. If I were her, I'd cut off all contact with "Dad" and the others who are still seeing Shawn. The fact that they are discounting her feelings about this is unforgivable.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:16 AM
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As upsetting as the incident with Shawn may have been, there's something fishy here. And for her to blame all her problems in life on this incident is . . . I don't buy this as the whole story. This is supposed to have happened right upstairs and no one heard anything? She didn't come downstairs and tell her father immediately?
Comment: #3
Posted by: julia
Thu Mar 18, 2010 3:11 AM
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Julia, what's not to buy? The girl was 15 -- so it wouldn't matter if she'd flashed him and said "You wanna?" -- a guy 30 years old is committing a criminal act by sleeping with even a willing 15 year old. The statutory rape law recognizes that despite physical changes, at 15, a kid is not equipped to make that kind of life-changing decision.
And you need to read her letter more closely. Dad was watching TV downstairs, Mom and older bro were outta town.
Not at all unusual for someone watching TV in a distant part of the house not to hear footsteps into the room, and Shawn followed most pedophiles' MO -- he first gained the victim's trust, in this case with his status as family friend. He may have been in & out of her room many times before -- she considered him like a brother -- and he may have done other brother-like stuff like tickle her.So this time, when he began physically assaulting her, the shock was double later -- that ANYONE would force himself on her in her own room, and that HE would. Finally, why not tell Dad immediately after? Well, you've seen what a great support Dad is now. Shawn's his friend. Grown women write to advice columnists all the time about "my husband's best friend made a pass at me -- I've kept quiet because he and my husband are lifelong friends and I saw no reason to upset him. But should I tell him?" A lot of sexual abuse victims --most? -- don't tell, for fear of not being believed, for being blamed for being the one who caused the disruption, out of denial in hopes that they can pretend the incident never happened.
Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Mar 18, 2010 4:01 AM
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Why should "Betrayed" cut off all contact with her family? In her efforts to punish her family for not being as supportive as she'd like, she'd just be further alienating herself. Instead, I say show up at every gathering where Shawn is likely to be, and keep bringing it up - in front of everyone. "Shawn, remember when you tried to rape me when I was 15? What was up with that?" "So, Shawn, did God forgive you for trying to rape me when I was 15? Because I haven't." I guarantee, it will be noticed. Shawn may even disappear.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Thu Mar 18, 2010 4:18 AM
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LW1: Definitely time for a cut off! Sorry to be cruel, but these people are definitely not ever going to see that you were actually hurt.
1) You never state that Shawn ever responded. Anyone want to put bets on some variation of "boys will be boys" or "she wanted it"?
2) I'd be willing to bet, given the area I grew up in, that there's some serious "Oh, Shawn is such a devout man of God" and "He's truly turned his life around" going on--at which point the victim is left with "oh, you're too sensitive--how can you say that?" Yeah....I know lots of religious and devout guys who play that card while feeling up waitresses.
You can 1) cut them off and let them do their thing (cheap, easy, inexpensive) or 2) go with Maggie Lawrence and keep bringing it up, which will undoubtedly lead to "why are you bringing that up again in front of a man of God?" and them cutting you off.
A cut off doesn't need to be forever--it can last under whatever terms you set. But right now there's no consequences--they see you keep coming back regardless of their behavior. So tie this to their actions--a la "you mention Shawn one more time and I'm gone for a month" type thing.
Good luck!
Comment: #6
Posted by: justme
Thu Mar 18, 2010 5:42 AM
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Julia, her reaction, as extreme as it may seem to you, is quite common for victims of child sexual abuse and/or rape - even attempted. Victims are certainly not likely to go running to Daddy to report such a rape attempt because they are traumatized - remember, this was a family friend whom she trusted in her own house - confused, and ashamed (often thinking that they did something to bring this behavior on). Unfortunately there are many people like you who, despite mountains of easily accessible information about this subject, choose to remain uninformed and thereby help empower the abusers and further punish the abused.
As for your allegation that someone would have heard, I can only assume that you are unaware that houses don't have paper thin walls and that someone attempting a rape is not likely to make extraordinary noise doing so. While a terrified victim may or may not scream, that can easily be muffled with a hand over the mouth. Add to that that many people are sound sleepers and wouldn't be aware of any noises in the night. I take it you think that rapists stomp loudly into bedrooms, bellow their demands, and that the victims shrieks like an opera singer. Honestly, unless you're under 10 years of age, you really should know better.
As for LW1's family, there is NO EXCUSE for them supporting her would-be rapist. No excuse whatsoever. I find that so reprehensible that I cannot even comprehend any decent, loving person behaving in such a manner. Apparently there is a lack of love, respect, support, and communication in this family which, undoubtedly, drove this then-15 year old child to react so horribly to this. Family are the people who love you, support you, and do what's best for you; these people are not family, they are people who share her DNA. Frankly she deserves a hell of a lot better.
Comment: #7
Posted by: SA McCrary
Thu Mar 18, 2010 5:47 AM
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There are at least two major problems here. Shawn has his own set of demons, and has hurt this young woman and who knows who else. The more important problem is that of the young woman who has been unable to unlock herself from this traumatic incident, thereby giving it permission to own her life to some degree. Punishing Shawn, however much he may deserve punishment, will not release this young woman from that traumatic incident that reaches into her present life and holds her captive. She needs help. I strongly recommend that she find a certified One Brain practitioner in her area who can help her put her past in the past so she can be truly free to move on with her life without recriminations or vindictive feelings. Hers is the only life she has the ability to change.
Comment: #8
Posted by: John Zeigler
Thu Mar 18, 2010 7:26 AM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence- I like the way you think. I doubt she could bring herself to do it, but day-um! That would be the ticket!
It would mean also that the family might cut HER off because of embarrassment, but it looks like that wouldn't be much of a loss.
Comment: #9
Posted by: moon
Thu Mar 18, 2010 8:02 AM
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I am with Maggie 100%!!!
Comment: #10
Posted by: Steve
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:01 AM
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Regarding the letter from Tenessee: I grew with friends - all boys. THree of the boys had dark hair and eyes. The forth had red hair and green eyes. They too had a picture of a grandparent from 1870 - a man with red hair and light, not dark, eyes (the picture is in sepia).
Comment: #11
Posted by: cb
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:16 AM
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OK, some commenters definitely get this, but for the ones that don't: LW1 has not been able to move on from this assault primarily because of her family's failure to support and defend her. Her response is neither unusual nor inapproprate. Many mentally ill people became that way because of a 1-2 punch: 1) the actual assault or abuse, and 2) the failure of their families to acknowledge the abuse and take appropriate steps. This betrayal is the one that really causes the lasting harm.
Many people who suffer from borderline personality disorder (one of the hardest mental disorders to treat) had one parent who was abusive and another who was absent or neglectful. Kids need to feel loved and protected, and when one parent is indifferent to the harm the other does, it represents the destruction of any and all safety nets, and the victim is left emotionally flailing.
What's worse here is that the entire family is acting this way - and continuing to socialize with her attacker! This is reprehensible, and it is enough to destroy this poor girl's emotional foundation. She needs therapy, and most therapists would recommend that she distance herself from her treacherous family.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Carla
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:29 AM
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SA McCrary, you ROCK!!!
Julia, I'd recommend that you do some more reading on the subject, especially if you have children.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Carla
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:31 AM
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I think "Betrayed in MO" should contact the local prosecutor where Shawn lives & let him know this happened. Even though it's past the statute of limitations he may be under suspicion for other acts. She may not be able to press charges but could possibly help put him away if he's attacked some other young girl. If I was her I would cut my family out of my life like a cancer. I would let them know they had a choice - Shawn or me. If they choose Shawn then she's just saving herself from further grief from her "family".
As for Julia - it's people like you that stop victims from coming forward to report sexual abuse. Why would you be so quick to blame the victim? REALLY? He was 30 and she was 15 when it happened. I wonder if you would feel the same way if it was your 15 year old daughter - or WAIT, are you "betrayed in MO's" mother???
Comment: #14
Posted by: Nance
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:39 AM
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Or if she's too shy to say anything directly, she could bring a big sheet cake to the next family gathering with "SHAWN IS A PERVERT WHO TRIED TO RAPE ME WHEN I WAS 15 YEARS OLD" written on it in bright blue icing. (And make sure he gets the slice that says "PERVERT.") Excellent comments, Hedgehog and SA McCrary.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Van Wickle
Thu Mar 18, 2010 9:49 AM
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Re: Nance Agreed about contacting the prosecuter!!! I don't go for revenge like some have suggested, showing up at family functions and announcing it. That will just open the door for rejection and more hurt, but this time from dad and brother as they argue "it is past," "he asked God to forgive," "you need to forgive," "you asked for it." But I would advise leaving immediately and visibly any family function he shows up at as that will say more than words. And let it be just once! Then don't go back unless they want you bad enough to assure you they will not have Shawn there. But contacting the prosecuter is a very positive step as it may help in protecting other young girls. Typically, these men don't have just one victim. (If brother and sister-in-law have daughters, they are very much at risk.) Another positive step to take is counseling, either with a therapist or clergyman. I would suggest that with the help of her clergyman or therapist, she contact the pastor, elders, or deacons of Shawn's church so they would know to be cautious about letting him be in any unsupervised situations with teenaged girls, but he would probably just use the "I asked God for forgiveness" line on them. Incidently, I believe God can forgive anything, but there is this thing called repentence we must do. Repentence is not just saying "I'm sorry" to God. To repent is to change direction, to turn away from sin and toward God. Had Shawn truly repented of this, although there is no way to undo it, he certainly would have told Betrayed and her family directly how he was wrong, rather than waiting to be confronted. By the way, did anyone else notice there is no mention of Shawn having a wife?
Comment: #16
Posted by: Elizabeth
Thu Mar 18, 2010 10:41 AM
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Lately I have been dealing with this very thing. I was sexually assaulted by a friends brother years ago and I thought I was dealing with it okay. I told the friend all the details and she was very supportive but months later when she stayed at my house she talked about her horrible brother everyday and it sent me into a downward spiral. I tired to talk to her about it but she claimed she wasn't strong enough and we haven't talked since. The feelings of betrayal were overwhelming at times. I realized I had to cut her out of my life but I know it's harder when it's family. LW1 - Take comfort in the fact that you are a better person than the POS who assaulted you. You didn't deserve what happened to you but you did what you had to do to survive! If you can get some therapy to help you deal with things I totally recommend it. It's really helped me to know that I can't fix other peoples issues and I need to focus on my own happiness because that is the most important thing.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Courtney
Thu Mar 18, 2010 12:03 PM
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Re: Maggie Lawrence
I like your answer the best....put the SOB on the spot. Although I agree that some counseling would definitely help, perhaps she should confront him in private (or with a trusted and supportive person) and put him on notice. maybe that'll either a) get him to disappear b) apologize (probably not) c) it might help her get it off her chest and provide some emotional relief
Comment: #18
Posted by: Drew
Thu Mar 18, 2010 8:11 PM
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Okay, glad to be the target. But read the letter again. She tells her brother, but not her father, who's right there and then? So it wasn't that she was ashamed to tell. Yes, I get the age issue. And I've worked in the criminal justice system as a forensic nurse, so my education is good. Nobody's condoning the behaviour. So, this is a serious issue. Who really thinks an advice column is the appropriate place for dealing with it? She's had counseling. She's turned her life around. And yet she writes to Annie? Her family as presented have behaved abominably and now she expects them to change? Would she still be considering legal action if they did? Reporting predators is vital. Why are we waiting until after an all expenses paid hunting trip? Sounds more like petulance than valid outrage. There are people who want to solve their difficulties, so they take action, and there are people who turn a disaster into a drama and give it a life of its own. Talk to mental health counselors about that. And where's her husband in all this? No mention of his input. So like I said, there's more to this as there is in any of these letters.
Comment: #19
Posted by: julia
Fri Mar 19, 2010 8:26 AM
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Re: julia - Excellent post and my thoughts exactly. There are some gaps here.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Rick
Fri Mar 19, 2010 8:32 AM
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LW1: I'm with justme. At the VERY least, do not go to any functions where Shawn is present... I like the idea of confronting as well, and persistently bringing it up, if you do have to go anywhere he is. It might not get you the justice you deserve but it hopefully will put him on notice and get other family members to be a little more cautious with their daughters, just in case. If not then they have their priorities out of whack - as a survivor of repeat sexual abuses/assaults, I never have and never will understand the mentality of being loyal to the perpetrator.
LW2: God almighty, I am so sorry for what you've gone through. Your ex-boyfriend is a piece of work... and I hate to bring it up during such a heavy time for you but I agree with nicodemus, you owe it to yourself to get tested for diseases if you haven't already.
Comment: #21
Posted by: PS
Fri Mar 19, 2010 8:49 AM
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Julia - Your stellar education aside, you still clearly don't get how sexual abuse affects survivors. I also have a feeling with how much arrogance you're showing, unless you become a trauma specialist, a secondary survivor, have been through it, or develop more than half an ounce of compassion, you won't.
It took me decades to be able to tell people about some of the things I've been through or inform extended relatives that they had abusers in their midest, because of the shame, fear nobody would believe me (trust me that is a very powerful silencer), and also the way PTSD affected how I was able to handle those memories. That doesn't mean that I was trying to create drama, it meant that I told as soon as I was able to tell, period.
Family "loyalty" plays a very strong role in these situations - read through some of the things Mackenzie Phillips has had to say in interviews sometime about how her family is reacting to her revelation that her father raped her. Even she acknowledges that the denial and victim blaming is common.
Also did it occur to you that the Annies, or creators.com, might have had to edit out quite a bit from the letter, which would account for the "gaps" you're complaining about? Newspapers have to save space, and unfortunately sometimes that means details get left out that the LW might have included.
Comment: #22
Posted by: PS
Fri Mar 19, 2010 8:57 AM
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Personal attacks automatically weaken any discussion. You have no idea where I've been, and I have no need to share ( but what usually leads people into certain professions?). If they edit a letter so badly that it serves the writer ill, that's not very well done, is it? I ask questions. I don't lunge toward the emotional response in any of these issues because that serves no one very well. Incidentally, one clue to her situation may be the "ask God for forgiveness" sentence. If they're all from a certain type of paternalistic religion, he's truly done all they feel necessary and they are all moving on in God's grace, according to their creed. Which may also explain why Mom does nothing in spite of agreeing. You can't count on changing others. All you can change is your response to their actions to a response that's healthy for you. That's what all counselors are trying to lead their clients to.
Comment: #23
Posted by: julia
Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:25 AM
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I AM LW1. Hi everyone. There is a lot more to the story, but in the interest of space, I shortened. I want to thank all of you for your support and kind words of advice (except Julia, of course.) A couple of clarifications: I was DOWNSTAIRS in the basement, my very deaf father was UPSTAIRS watching tv at a high volume. this is what happened: I was sitting on my bed in my pj's. Shawn came in and said "Steph, my shoulder is killing me, will you rub it? (MAYBE I was ASKING FOR IT, HUH JULIA!!!) I said sure, I have known Shawn since I was a TODDLER!! He was dating a high ranking woman at our church! So, he sat on my bed, I started to rub his shoulder, he whipped around and got on top of me. I am 5'5 130lbs. He is over 6 and ALOT heavier. After this incident, I called and told my bro, who told my mom, they came home. MY FATHER & UNCLE decided to believe Shawn when he admitted fault and repented. My mother cut off all contact with him.....for a couple years. I got wild, partying etc. Then I married my husband and we moved from Montana (where this happened) to Missouri where we now live. I am in graduate school and live a happy life with a warm, loving caring husband (who wants to rip Shawns head off) but more importantly wants to support me. He is the one who encouraged me to write. Thanks for listening.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Stephanie
Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:45 AM
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AND JULIA: I never blamed all my problems on this!! I dont really have any problems, except for the fact that my parents won't cease contact with Shawn! Thats my problem. I have a great life, I don't even think about the incident until I hear his name. I didn't run upstairs and tell Dad because, at the time, I thought he would protect me so much he would get out his .45 and shoot Shawn. Obviously I was wrong, but how is that "fishy?" Shawn ADMITTED what he did, that's not the issue. For as educated as you claim to be (Im not buying it) you're incredibly ignorant. I didn't mention my husband because he is 100% supportive in everything I do. So, thanks, Julia. If you really are a forensic nurse, I shudder to think of any victim that has to deal with you. You sound like a really horrible person.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Stephanie
Fri Mar 19, 2010 9:56 AM
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If that makes you feel better . . . good. Your letters proved me right. There was more to the story; and there is the religious component. Any other inferences being made are just that. You know what has to be done. Why do you ask the opinion of faceless strangers? Predators should always be reported. And just because people are family, doesn't mean they are the right ones to have in your life, even though it's hard to do. This is almost half a life ago. Don't let him or your family waste any more of it.
Comment: #26
Posted by: julia
Fri Mar 19, 2010 10:14 AM
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Here's the problem with LW1's predicament: It wasn't rape. He tried to have sex with her, but stopped when she said stop. That isn't rape, its an uncomfortable situation with a weirdo, but not rape. I agree with Julia. LW sounds like a psycho, especially after the last comments. And LW, yes, you did blame your problems on this incident.
Comment: #27
Posted by: mel
Fri Mar 19, 2010 11:57 AM
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Mel, here's the problem with your reply: You don't get that a full-grown man tried to rape a 15 year old GIRL. That is STILL sexual assault... and as you can see the LW followed up a couple replies before yours with more details about her situation that didn't get included in her letter. Unfortunately her situation is more common than you think... and she has every right to be angry that her family is silently condoning what Shawn has done given it's wrong and it's meant that not only did Shawn betray her trust by attacking her, but her family has betrayed her trust by standing by a child abuser.
Comment: #28
Posted by: PS
Fri Mar 19, 2010 1:25 PM
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Oh and Julia, quit scratching and clawing everyone who was able to disprove your opinions as a forensic nurse (which, I'm sorry, means what again? Oh, that you're somehow an expert who knows everything, right), and go back to your catnip and saucer of milk. Your whole "any other inferences being made are just that" line is a crock of baloney thrown out there so you can weasel out of an apology or admitting you might have goofed up, and continue stroking your ego. Stephanie's letters proved you wrong, not right.
Comment: #29
Posted by: PS
Fri Mar 19, 2010 1:29 PM
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I will admit that in the letter it seems I was blaming some of my BEHAVIOR (not problems) on the incident. What I meant (since MEL you seem to need things spelled out to you) was this: I was a normal teenage girl who had never even been kissed. Shortly after the incident, I seemed to lose respect for myself, my body. I believe this was partly because a man that I trusted, thought of as family, babysat me as a child, etc...betrayed that trust. It made me believe that men were only interested in me for sex, so if I took control, did it on my own terms, then I was taking my power back. It was a period of 2 years. "I know now that a lot of my behavior stemmed from this incident" doesn't mean i blame all my problems on this one moment in time. I was also a teenager who didn't understand the damage that moment had done to me. They were behaviors, not problems. I went on to graduate from highschool, then college and went on to lead a productive happy life married to man whom I adore. I have seen a therapist for this incident.I wrote to Annie to get an outside logical response. If you are so opposed to advice columns, then why the hell are you reading one, Julie?? MEL, how you get "psycho" out of it is beyond me. It sounds like you're projecting, you're the one with the real issues, hiding behind your computer screen because you probably don't have anyone in your real life that gives a crap about what you think. YOU give men a bad name. How sad for you.
AND PS: Thanks, I couldn't have said it better myself!! I probably overreacted with Julia, but it blows me away that someone in her "position" would write those responses. PS, maybe you should take her job, you seem like a natural advocate :)
Comment: #30
Posted by: Stephanie
Fri Mar 19, 2010 2:56 PM
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My experiences are similar to Betrayed in Missouri. I have learned to conquer my anger but my family still finds a way to be friendly to the person that hurt me. I have come to realize that we are all family members and must deal with each other. I do not think my family will completely rally around me until they find that 'he' has done it again to another family member. I do not want him to hurt another person, my family loves me and I know the truth.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Mary
Fri Mar 19, 2010 7:14 PM
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I am a rape survivor when I told my boyfriend he slapped me across the face saying he was being punished by 'God'. I fell into a deep depression trying to drown my pain in alcohol and afraid of saying no to men. Not until I left my home town did I meet a group of people that helped me recognize my drinking problem and get on the right path. I still suffer from depression and feelings of inferiority due to these events. Healing is a long process.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Mary
Fri Mar 19, 2010 7:55 PM
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Interesting all the comments are on the first question. I think someone should jump in and tell the girl who is having trouble getting over her cheating boyfriend and a miscarriage that she just learned a big lesson. Don't get pregnant before you get married. There, I told her. What is with our culture that putting the baby before the marriage is OK? It isn't, and for just this reason. Not to say married men don't cheat, but at least you would have legal recourse to make him pay. It is so much harder if he isn't your husband. Don't be a stupid girl. Get the ring before the you get the baby. Also, make him wear a condom. Lie about being on the pill if you have to (but please get on the pill). Telling him you want a baby works to get him to wear a condom. Buy your own condoms if you have to, and put it on him yourself. Just please stop having kids without being married. We are all sick of paying for stupid people's children.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Heather
Fri Mar 19, 2010 10:54 PM
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Re: Elizabeth Shawn has a wife... and TWO DAUGHTERS! A little update: I have made comments, but they were mostly to defend myself and my position while under attack. I wrote this letter 2 months ago, got a little anxious for a response, so here is what I did: 1) Spoke to all relatives where I found out he had a sexual relationship with my cousin, although it was "consensual" she was 16 at the time!! (she is now 30) 2) Confronted my parents: I first told my mother Iwas going to confront my father, she was relatively supportive. When I spoke with my father, I outlined everything on paper and told him how angry I was with him for not protecting me. Although I didn't run upstairs and tell him, he found out the VERY next day! His reaction was remorseful, but he didn't promise to cease contact with Shawn...Whatever, I took care of that... 3) I wrote a very long letter, with the help of my cousin (the one he had sex with on multiple occasions) to his WIFE. In the letter I just stated the facts, what he had done to my cousin, and tried to do with me. I haven't heard anything from her or Shawn, but then again, neither has my family. I explained to my parents and brother that I needed to do it to get past it. Thanks for your comments & concern.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Stephanie
Sat Mar 20, 2010 8:47 AM
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Did he stop when you asked him to? Yes? Very bad things happen to people all the time. I'm not trying to defend this person, but when you've held this anger in for over 13 years, and you blame your family for it, the only person you are hurting is yourself. P.S., not a man!
Comment: #35
Posted by: mel
Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:27 AM
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Re: Mel, there is really no point in responding to you because it is obvious you either cannot read or you are just too hard-headed to comprehend, but I'm going to do it anyway because I think your stance is ridiculous, archaic, and incredibly sad. ESPECIALLY as a woman. I don't BLAME my family, (see lack of reading comprehension) I am not angry. I wanted advice on how to broach the subject with my family. If you read the above comments, you would know that (see hard-headedness) This doesn't control or dictate my life, if you READ the letter you would see that, but I digress...."when I begged him to stop, he did" in other words, he didn't go "all the way" it doesn't mean he didn't get halfway there. I certainly hope nothing like this ever happens to your daughter, sister, granddaughter, whatever. Maybe then you will see that it is more than "its an uncomfortable situation with a weirdo."
Comment: #36
Posted by: Stephanie
Sat Mar 20, 2010 11:20 AM
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Stephanie, you sound totally reasonable and rational to me, and I applaud your courage and honesty in dealing with this situation. (And I'm sorry that a few people here are being such numbskulls.) It sounds as if your family, especially father and brother, never grasped the seriousness of what happened to you or the impact it had. I'm wondering if reading something about the subject might help open their eyes. I just did a quick search at Amazon using keywords "sexual assault" and there are any number of books out there that look very good. (You've probably read some yourself.) I bet a book of first person accounts by survivors would be a good choice. That way your family would hear voices and stories other than yours and might begin to understand the reality of your trauma and why it is so disloyal of them to continue associating with Shawn. I don't know if anyone in your family would be willing to read this sort of thing, but it could be worth a try. In any case I wish you the very best. P.S. I still think Shawn deserves a piece of cake with "PERVERT" written on it in icing :-)
Comment: #37
Posted by: Van Wickle
Sat Mar 20, 2010 12:14 PM
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Thanks, Van. I had honestly never considered reading up on the subject, and will take your advice. The unfortunate fact is that my family probably wouldn't read, but it's worth a shot. I will check out Amazon, thanks. Writing to Annies was cathartic, but the reading the comments from people like you was healing, in and of itself. Thank you for that. It is unfortunate that a few bad apples..... well, you know. :) I got a really good laugh out of the cake comment! Thanks again, and I wish you a life of peace & happiness.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Stephanie
Sat Mar 20, 2010 1:33 PM
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Bless you, Stephanie. I wish you the best. You sound like a great person despite the wrong that was done to you and the stupidity of your family. I am concerned about the fact that you say he's got two daughters. They might be in danger, too.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Sat Mar 20, 2010 10:01 PM
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HEY STEPHANIE, U GO GIRL!
Comment: #40
Posted by: FELICIA WRIGHT
Sun Mar 21, 2010 9:12 PM
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Re: FELICIA WRIGHT RIGHT BACK AT YA, FELICIA! :)
Thanks, JoannaKathryn. Bless you! That was part of my reasoning for writing the letter to his wife. I didn't want to do it out of spite, as I don't now her or blame her. I wrote her so she would be AWARE, especially with her tw girls. The thought makes me shudder. I only wish I had done it sooner.........
Comment: #41
Posted by: Stephanie
Tue Mar 23, 2010 10:39 AM
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