Dear Annie: My sister died seven years ago, and within six months, my brother-in-law was dating. "John" stays in touch with my 96-year-old mother and gives her news of the grandchildren, now in their 20s. John and I never had a good relationship, and our contact consists mostly of his children's upcoming milestones.
This past summer, John flew his new girlfriend into town to meet my mom. I felt that was insensitive. Then, at Christmas, he set up a system so his children can e-mail their grandmother and she will receive it via the regular postal system. It was a nice idea, but most of the letters have been from John, containing news of his engagement (replete with photos of the ring) and, most recently, information about his upcoming marriage and the extensive remodel of the house he shared with my sister.
These letters were clearly upsetting to my mom. For the 25 years my sister was married to John, she lived quite modestly. They couldn't afford much. She often wore my hand-me-downs. John was never very sensitive to my sister's needs. Nor to his children, apparently, because they were shocked when he announced his plans to marry at their family Christmas gathering. The children had no idea, and it was quite painful for them.
I say John is acting immaturely. There is no need to give us all these details, especially my mom. While she expected him to carry on with his life, this is a bit much. I think he is being inconsiderate, insensitive and boorish, but Mom doesn't want to rock the boat. Is it OK for me to e-mail John and ask him to please stop sending letters with the details of his love life? — Enough Already Sister
Dear Sister: Yes, provided you can do it in a civil, semi-friendly way. Try this: "I appreciate that you are trying to keep us informed about your life. However, you may not realize how painful it is for us, especially my mother, to hear all the details of your upcoming marriage and home renovations.
I know it is not your intention to hurt any of us, so perhaps you could share a little less information. Please know we all wish you the best."
Dear Annie: I am a 57-year-old female, widowed twice. My adult daughter lives 30 minutes away.
I have a male cousin who is divorced and lives nearby. We have been spending time together and really enjoy each other's company. My daughter feels this is morally wrong and is giving me a lot of grief about it. She thinks if we had met by chance, it would be OK, but not if we are related.
I'm not entirely sure what the relationship is, but we are not first cousins. Our grandmothers were sisters. Previously, the only times our paths crossed were at funerals and weddings. What do you think? — Kissing Cousin
Dear Cousin: If your grandmothers were sisters, that makes you second cousins. We see no harm in dating your second cousin. It is not against the law, and we assume you are not planning on having children together, so there is no genetic prohibition. Our Biblical ancestors were often married cousins. We hope your daughter can get over her judgmental attitude and be happy for you.
Dear Annie: This is for "Making Sure Zipper Is Up," my fellow neurotic who also always checks his zipper in public. The easiest and most discreet way of doing this is to develop the habit of placing your right hand on the belt buckle, and then using the tip of your little finger to feel for the fastener of the zipper. No one will see. — London
Dear London: Thanks to you and all the others who wrote.
Dear Readers: Remember to set your clocks ahead before you go to sleep tonight. And please be sure to change the batteries in your smoke alarms or carbon monoxide detectors, too.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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LW1---OMG! If 96 year old mom was SO upset she would say something without fear of *rocking the boat*. I think Mom is only agreeing with her daughter to shut her up. It has been 9 years since my own mother passed and I still feel the heartache. I told my dad a 3 years ago he needs to date, if that would make him happy.As for the letter, I doubt after 7 years it was so painful to hear that their father would remarry. The sister was wearing hand me downs because they were rasing kids and it was cheaper! The kids are now in their 20s. As for remodeling the house now, the kids are grown and now he has money to do the things that he and his wife could not do 7 or more years ago.
Comment: #1
Posted by: cathy
Fri Mar 12, 2010 10:36 PM
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I tend to think that the LW is being a bit too sensitive, and I too wonder just how "upset" all these other people are about John's new life. On the other hand, maybe he is being too "in your face" about it. Being that the LW's sister died (rather than John divorcing her), I'd say that gives John a bit more leeway.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Matt
Sat Mar 13, 2010 1:35 AM
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I can't believe the answer to LW1! This former son-in-law became part of LW1's family when he married LW1's sister. Hence the term "SON-in-law". I guess someone forgot to inform him that he was terminated from the family the minute his wife died. How sad; how crass. This man obviously views his former mother-in-law as his own mother and how wonderful that he continues to update her on his life and the lives of her grandchildren! Yes it's understandable that news of a new romance is painful, however this is life moving on! Wouldn't any mother be privileged that one of her children loves her, thinks of her often and trusts her enough to want to include her in their lives? Most biological children don't remain so closely involved in their elderly parent's lives. How dare LW1 admonish this man for acting like what he is...a son of this family! How different her letter would have been had the man taken her mother's grandchildren and her nieces and nephews and vanished from their lives the day his wife died twenty five years ago. It sounds like this so called sister-in-law needs to grow up and get over herself!
Comment: #3
Posted by: Chris
Sat Mar 13, 2010 5:08 AM
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LW1, get over it! When my dad passed away from cancer, my mom had already done a lot of grieving while caring for him. She met a nice man who had lost his wife to cancer, thru a grief counseling group, and fell in love again! More power to her, and 'John'.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Steve Cowan
Sat Mar 13, 2010 5:26 AM
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Who is acting immaturely? His wife has been gone 7 years. That is a nice man who would keep up with his m-i-l all along. That's a long time! What is your dog in this hunt? You seem to be the only on who's upset about this. Get your own life and perhaps gather up enough human kindness to wish him well and mean it!
Comment: #5
Posted by: Penny
Sat Mar 13, 2010 7:12 AM
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What Penny said.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Carla
Sat Mar 13, 2010 7:27 AM
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LW1: I have to agree with all the other posters who think the lw is being way to sensitive about her b-i-l's behavior. If I predecease my husband and he were to act in a similar fashion, I'd be happy about it. I've told him (and my children) that as far as I'm concerned, I'd want him to be happy and live a full life including getting married again if that would make him happy. I wouldn't expect his life to end just because mine did. To my mind, this man is being a loving son-in-law to keep in contact with his elderly mil. I would hope my sil would do the same if my daughter died before I do. And if he were to remarry at some point, I'd just hope he'd marry a good woman who would make him happy and be good to my grandchildren. Sure, I'd still feel bad about my daughter's death for the remainder of my life, but I wouldn't begrudge my son-in-law building a new life for himself with someone else. It sounds to me as though the lw must have always disliked her bil and is just looking for things to find fault with. Regarding the remodeling, it could be that it's being done to make his new wife feel happier about moving into it. It's a way of "laying ghosts" and making it truly her own home, not his late wife's. Nothing wrong with that. It's also possible that she's had a career and is able to alleviate some of the financial strain he and his first wife experienced.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat Mar 13, 2010 8:22 AM
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Re: Pat-tricia--You are so right. Whatever the reasons for the remodel, it is a reality. Maybe the man has "matured," his new wife is demanding it as a compromise for moving into his house where his deceased wife lived, there is money somewhere for him to do it. As for waiting 6 months to start dating, some people need to find someone fast because they can't stand being alone. Maybe she is the girl of his dreams and he hadn't intended to meet someone, date, and fall in love. Maybe she is rich or sexy or just has the "it" he was looking for. Mom is not obliged to read the letters. She can pass them on to someone to skim them for news of her grandkids. She can appreciate the letters from her grandkids, reply, and hope they write her more often. It's incredible that he has arranged a service to transfer emails to letters. Incredibly thoughtful. Was the deceased sister a complainer even though she accepted the hand-me-downs? There is nothing wrong with wearing used clothes friends and relatives if it fits and looks good. SIL definitely hates BIL and has for years. Besides, mom's sadness could be because she thinks of how her daughter lost the opportunity to have whatever it is when she was alive. The letter writer needs to butt out.
Comment: #8
Posted by: BB
Sat Mar 13, 2010 12:23 PM
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It is quite strange that "John" wants to brag about his love life to his ex mother-in-law, he does seem like a self-absorbed man who has no consideration for other peoples feelings. Mom has no obligation to keep in touch with this man if his behavior is upsetting to her, her grandchildren are adults and they are perfectly capable to write letters or keep other type of contact if they want.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Dana
Mon Mar 15, 2010 12:34 PM
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It seems to me that 'John' still thinks of his late wife's family as his own, as he rightfully should- They were married for 25 years!! He is keeping them up-to-date with the events in the lives of his children and himself, just as he would with any other member of his family. Maybe this man didn't have a close-knit family of his own and grew to love and regard his in-laws as his TRUE family. For him to continue a relationship with them for so many years is wonderful, in my opinion. He could have written them off as his "EX"-in-laws, like many people do. A deceased loved one is referred to as "late-wife/husband/etc," not "EX."
If this Mother is really so upset by his letters, there would be no harm in telling 'John' "Although I am very happy for you, it hurts me to think of you being married to someone else." It's honest, and completely understandable, and if he cares for this family as much as it seems, I think he would respect that. Honestly, though, I think the LW is the one who has issues with 'John's' letters, and probably for the exact same reasons that she's claiming that her mother does.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Caitlin
Thu Aug 26, 2010 2:21 PM
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