Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

Mr Frustrated has been with his wife for over 20 years and wonders why she's only lustful after a night of heavy drinking? He should be asking his wife that question!

My educated guess (being a 40-something woman myself): Mr Frustrated's wife has become bored with her sex life and uses alcohol to loosen her inhibitions and her outings with friends provide inspiration to inject some variety into the bedroom. I'm assuming that Mr. Frustrated would prefer his wife to be a wild woman in the sack every night. If that's the case, then he needs to talk to her and find out what she needs in order to make that happen.

Jane,

Please read the first two paragraphs of LW#1. It says this is a recent problem which is why menopause was suggested as a possible cause.

LW#2 is just gross. There's no reason why a healthy six year old should be using a potty in the living room no less. And her mother thinks its cute???

Jane
In paragraph two, the writer states that this is a relatively new problem. . . up until recently, the wife has been "sexually vibrant" This is why menopause was suggested as a possible cause.
Letter number 2 is just gross. There is no reason a healthy six year old should be using a potty. And her mother thinks this is cute??

Why wouldn't you just get rid of the potty seat?? Eliminate the temptation. There's no reason a 6-year old needs one. My daughter is almost 4 and has never used one.

I'd say the 6-year-old is looking for attention. There's an old saying, "Negative attention is better than no attention at all." It may be that this child gets lots of attention when there's no one around and does this to get more attention when there's guests - and she may do it all the time, again for more attention. Ignoring her obviously has not worked, so it's time to tell her she's a big girl who can get on and off the toilet by hereself and that she needs to do it - and get rid of the potty chair.

I understand that LW1's problem is recent...and could possibly be related to menopause or some other health issue BUT, with that being said, I don't necessarily agree with the Annies when they imply the woman may be out doing something of questionable behavior with her girlfriends. I, myself, tend to get a little more wild in the bedroom when I have been drinking. I have never gone out and done anything questionable and the only factor that contributes to that behavior IS the aclohol.

As for LW2's friend...I can not wrap my mind around why a 6 year old would be using a potty chair to begin with. This is not the child's fault, this is the fault of the parent. Using the potty near the dining room table and in front of the TV is not acceptable or normal and the parent simply needs to put her foot down. If that means standing guard at the bathroom everytime she uses the facilities so a potty chair isn't dragged out...then so be it. If my friends SIX YEAR OLD child used the potty chair in the dining room while I was eating dinner...I would say something and I would probably cease all dinners at her house until I was sure I could eat without watching bathroom activities.

LW2 I believe I would walk out EVERY time I saw that potty chair. What a pig!!!!... with apologies to all the pigs out there. Now... who is it that WANTS to see a 5/6 year old take a crap in the dining room please raise your hand. That last sentence was not as graphic as the filthy act itself. Even dogs show enough decorum not to pooh where they eat. GROSS ME OUT!!!!!!!!!

There is no excuse for a child defecating in front of people. And what kind of utterly lousy parents even allow a school-age child - barring any disability being involved - to use a bloody potty seat? Personally, I'd cut these freaks from my list of friends and would visit their home never. Disgusting. If they can't bother to teach their child that bathroom activities should be confined to a bathroom, what else are they not bothering to teach her? Poor child.

Everybody poops, sometimes.™

It is also possible that LW1 is stressed and/or overworked, and that the girls' night out is the only time she gets to relax and unwind enough to be ready for sex. It might not just be the alcohol!

Obviously, suggesting that she drink more is not a viable solution, but he could suggest she take a night or two to go to the gym, or a yoga class, or something else that's healthy and recharges her battery. He could even suggest a bubble bath after the yoga class, and he might get the same results.

I say buy her a bottle of wine very night

Re: Jane

The child LW is writing about has been made to think that everything she does is just precious. Six is way too old to be using the bathroom in front of people. Her mother is a moron. It's cute when your own kid says things like "poo-poo in the potty" when he/she is 2 or 3, but other kids? Not so much. I'd stop going over there, and there's no way I'd eat anything there. Gross.

Re: Jane. Why is it that if a women doesn't want to have sex on the same schedule as the man that there must be something wrong with her, emotionally or physiologically? Does she work full-time? Are there kids involved? Maybe she's just tired, stressed, trying to recapture some youth. If a man were going through the same thing we wouldn't be so quick to judge and fix. It's not a gender issue. I think he should count their blessings. And why would you want to insinuate that there is something going on because she feels amorous after the girl's night out. That's just adding fuel to a seemingly insecure fire. It's not always about the guy.. maybe she just needs something for herself.

LW1 describes his wife's "heavy drinking during one of her 'girls' nights out.'" Heavy drinking is no good at any age, but assuming the woman is over 40, she should really be starting to take better care of herself. She is facing potential short life expectancy; if liver failure doesn't kill her, driving home smashed (or riding with a drunk driver) might just do it. Her heavy drinking is the main problem, not how she behaves in bed. As for the second letter - good grief! Even at age 5 I knew enough to poop and pee in private. That family - the pooper and her parents - have issues. Echhh.

RE: Deboarah in LA
YOU 'LAUGHED'!!!! I can't believe you laughed when reading about the 6 yr old carrying her potty chair around the house so she coudl go to the bathroom , even having a bowel movement, in front of anyone who happened to be in the house!!!! The very thought of seeing this behaviour is disgusting to me - YES, I do have children; 5 of them.

I pity the 6 year old's kindergarten teacher and classmates if she hasn't learned bathroom activities are private. If she doesn't see the need to keep her own private, she might not respect her classmates need for privacy. We recently had an upper grade child get behind a shelf and take a "dump" in the classroom. Disgusting!!!!

LW3 thinks that we should all be satisifed with our lot just as long as our husband's aren't beating us?!?! Sorry, but I disagree; my standards are a little higher than that. Read 'The Five Love Languages' and you'll understand that some people need different kinds of love. Some may be satisfied with 'Acts of service' like LW3 described, but some people need thoughtful little gifts to let them know they're loved. It takes all kinds and LW3 shouldn't be so quick to judge.

In reference to 'Frustrated in Pennsylvania' who worried because his wife was more active after a night out with the girls...Of course she was more active. She had a night out away from the everyday work and worries. The alcohol helped her in relaxing so she could set lifes routines aside for awhile. Frustrated should take her out or find things to do to take her away mentally so she can focus on him.

Dear Frustrated in Pennsylvania:

This could sound like your wife may be going through the pre-menopausal stage, sometimes referred to as perimenopause, which is a transitional period immediately before menopause. Menopause indicates that a woman's menstrual cycle has come to an end and her ability to have children has ceased. “Menopause occurs, on an average, around the age of 50 but can begin as early as a woman's mid-30s or as late as her early 60s” (Olson, DeFrain, and Skogrand, Marriages and Families: Intimacy, diversity and strengths, 6th ed. 2008, p. 369). Because there are various hormonal changes, such as a decrease in estrogen level, women are likely to experience mental and physiological changes over time; this may explain your wife's emotional instability and her infrequent sexual desire. According to Deeks and McCabe (2001), studies have found that sexual function is influenced by multiple variables of which age and menopausal status play a small, but important part (p. 5). Although changes in sexual arousal has been linked to physiological consequences of menopause, “past research has found that sexual desire was highly correlated with partner availability and low frequency of intercourse” (Koster & Garde, 1993). According to Dennerstein et al (1994), “research also found that some women indicated that reduced sexual desire was a result of poor partner health and partner disinterest.” “The paucity of studies in this area, however, suggests that investigation of the sexual function of the menopausal woman in the context of her relationship with a partner is needed” (Deeks & McCabe, 2001).
In addition to some of the common symptoms of menopause such as hot flashes, mood disturbances, anxiety, and night sweats, women may also experience other menopause-related symptoms such as “vasomotor symptoms that have been associated with clinical depression and depressive symptoms during perimenopause after adjustment for a number of factors including age, race, or depression history” (Dlavsky & McAuley, 2007). Furthermore, “evidence suggests that these adverse outcomes may be attenuated by participating in physical activity” (p. 132). According to Dlavsky and McAuley (2007), “most studies have focused on aerobic activity, in spite of the increasing popularity of more nontraditional types of activity such as yoga, which has been also encouraged as an intervention modality for the management of menopausal symptoms” (p.133). Dlavsky and McAuley have concluded that “physical activity appears to enhance mood and menopause-related QOL (quality of life) during menopause; however, other aspects of mental health may be affected only as a result of reduction in menopausal symptoms” (p. 132).
I agree with both Marcy and Kathy. It would be best for you to have a talk with your wife and have her see a doctor. If menopause is an absolute indication of her behavior, you should definitely be sensitive and supportive as she goes through this transition in her life. In addition, you may also want to fit in some kind of physical activity that you both will enjoy doing together; maybe a walk in the park or a meditative yoga class. Physical activity has many benefits, including the enhancement of mental and physical health as well as you're over all well-being.


Reference


Deeks, A., & McCaabe, M. (2001). Sexual Function and the Menopausal Woman: The
Importance of Age and Partner's Sexual Functioning. Journal of Sex Research, 38(3), 219-225). Retrieved from Psychology and Behavioral Sciences Collection database.

Elavsky, S., & McAuley, E. (2007). Physical Activity and Mental Health Outcomes
During Menopause: A Randomized Controlled Trial. Annals of Behavioral Medicine, 33(2), 132-142.

Olson, D., DeFrain, J., & Skogrand, Linda. Marriages & Families: Intimacy, Diversity, and Strengths, 6th ed. 2008, p. 369-370.