Seitan Worshipper by Amy Alkon on Creators.com

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Seitan Worshipper

My online dating profile clearly indicates that I'm a vegan. A woman I've been communicating with informed me that she eats a healthy diet, but enjoys meat and fish. Fine with me, but our first phone conversation became an inquisition about whether I would attempt to make her a vegetarian. She compared it to trying to convert someone to another religion. She got intense about it, despite my insistence that I don't proselytize. I finally conceded a belief that vegans are more evolved from a spiritual standpoint. She really went off about this, insisting that she wasn't about to let anybody change her. At one point, she even said that letting my cat go outside was as cruel as factory farming. Most amazingly, this happened after numerous pleasant e-mails. — Stunned

We all have certain things that really push our buttons. Apparently, for this woman, it's that horrible, racist, sexist, in-your-face statement, "Hi, how are you?"

You lucked out. This woman's obviously out of her ground-beef-filled gourd. There's a perfect time to discover that, and it's before the first date. The thing is, she may actually be on to something — albeit in a somewhat shrewishly hysterical way. Here you are, presenting yourself as this easygoing sprout-muncher who manages to maintain a live-and-let...murder small defenseless animals attitude. But, do you really? Like a lot of people hoping to maximize their dating possibilities, you try to be "open-minded," but how realistic is it to tell yourself you can be with a woman you'll kiss, then think, "Eeeuw, I can still taste that murdered cow"?

Come on...you aren't a vegan because you think clumps of seitan (boiled wheat gluten) taste so much better than pork chops. In fact, with a bit of prodding, you admit to feeling morally superior to us flesh-chomping barbarians. (Moral superiority — always such a successful basis for a relationship.) Now, it's possible that you're The Stepford Vegan, able to sit placidly as a woman tears apart a live goat with her sharpened incisors. But, my guess is, it's only a matter of time until you look across the table at a girlfriend really enjoying herself as she swallows the last morsel of some dead animal, and go off on her: "Hey, I think you missed the dog! Want me to take his collar off so he's easier to chew?"

"Opposites attract" sounds good, but really only applies if you're two magnets trying to get together.

For a relationship to work out, you have to be with somebody you respect, but not only that, somebody you actually admire. You can have differences, but you basically have to be excited about who they are, what they believe, and how they live. Painting yourself as tolerant and casting a wide net is a great idea — if you're a generic person who "enjoys great wine, great food, and great conversation." Are there five people on the planet who don't?

To find a person you're compatible with, be honest about your dealbreakers ("must love dogs, but not braised, with a side of spring vegetables"). You might even restrict your online dating forays to a vegetarian personals site like VeggieDate.org. Just think, no more trying to forget that a date's wallet once roamed the tall grasses as part of a cow! She'll be right there with you in enjoying meatless fine dining, and then, on to McDonald's. No, not for a real meal, but for a moment of emotional bonding — weeping and hugging as you watch a kid in the window chowing down on a Happy Meal.

Fee Love

I'm trying Internet dating, and a friend said I'd have better results on a site with a membership fee. With so many free sites, why would anyone ever pay? — Thrifty

The word "free" turns reasonably intelligent people into zonked-out morons. Tell people you're giving away free tacos (actual worth: 35 cents including labor) and they'll line up in the heat for an hour to get one. Offer them $1.35 to stand in a hot line for an hour, and they'll scowl and flip you off. There are good people on free dating sites. They're just crowded in among all the people who aren't seriously looking, but, hey, as long as it's free, they'll throw up a pic, kick back, and check their inbox when they're done swimming with the turtles in Galapagos. Sites with monthly membership fees, whether they're $50 or $15.99, draw those who are more serious about finding somebody, and give them incentive to hop to it. People say the best things in life — love, friendship, moonlight — are free, but so are the worst things: lymphoma, a really big overbite, and roadkill. If you're in any sort of hurry to get to the good stuff, it probably behooves you to pay the sorting costs.

Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com)

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I was a vegetarian for two years. Not because I thought it was wrong to kill animals, I discovered that I felt "lighter" and happier if I cut out meat. Had no problem at all with others eating meat and did not feel morally superior. I finally returned to eating light meat and fish because managing your protein intake is a lot more difficult and expensive as a vegetarian. So please don't lump all vegans into the boggle-eyed must-convert category.

Comment: #1
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Wed Sep 23, 2009 1:19 AM

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Maybe, Sarah, but I bet you spent a lot of time talking about how much "lighter" you felt. As even the letter writer said, he felt vegans are more spiritually evolved. I'm thinking the phone conversation didn't go quite the way it's presented, with all the aggression on her side (no doubt caused by eating red meat). He has to find someone as elevated as he in order to be happy, unless part of his plan is a mindless, passive person to control in that and so many other ways.

Comment: #2
Posted by: julia
Wed Sep 23, 2009 5:53 AM

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I have an uncle who is vegan. His reasons in changing his diet so drastically about 15 years go were both health-related and moral. When he switched, he told his family why, but now he never mentions any of the reasons. The only time the issue comes up is when we decide where to meet for lunch or dinner. Then he gets to choose a place where he can eat. Usually, he'll give us four or five choices - not all vegan - and we get to pick the one we want. If he comes to our house, we always make sure to have a vegan dish or two for him, which is no big deal. Salads, grilled veggies, and vegan pasta usually do it for him. So, my point is, you can be a vegan and not be an annoying holier-than-though boob.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Ariana
Thu Sep 24, 2009 7:30 AM

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I come from a family of ranchers, and as you can imagine, we love our beef almost as much as we do Jesus. I have absolutely no issues with someone who gives up animal products for health or religious reasons - these people are less outspoken and often use milk, cheese, or fish but simply abstain from certain foods. I do have a problem with the people who refuse meat for ethical reasons. For one, I refuse to buy into the argument that farming and slaughtering are cruel, if only because I do not respect animals the way I do people. I suppose one could make the argument that at least such people put their money where their mouth is (literally!), but I still do not like the idea that they may be judging me, when my own faith says it's OK to eat anything that looks good. Most of the time I'm right - it often turns out they ARE judging me, especially when told that I also hunt animals for sport in addition to raising them domestically. At the bare minimum, I would expect such people to keep their mouths shut about their beliefs when they're at my table. I would probably never invite such a person over for dinner unless he was willing to bring his own food. I also would expect ethical-vegans to be consistent - no leather sandals, no use of glue, gelatin, pet foods, or anything else made from livestock or other animal by-products. Those of you who aren't pushy or nasty about it, I applaud you.

Comment: #4
Posted by: Matt
Sat Sep 26, 2009 9:05 PM

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Seitan Worshipper

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