Dear Larry: Please respond to my letter because I have a real problem and need your help in a hurry.

My daughter, who is white, happens to be living with a black man. She has been with him for eight years, and they have three children — two boys and a girl. They are impoverished, barely getting by even with her public assistance. Her boyfriend can't/won't keep a job. He always has an excuse why he quits, gets laid off or is fired. The bottom line is he cannot get along with any boss or supervisor. He always seems on the verge of exploding into a rage.

My husband and I give our daughter money on the side to help her get along. It breaks my heart to see our daughter in such a desperate situation. Our grandchildren are the delight of our lives, and we keep them whenever they are allowed to visit, which is on rare occasions.

Their father does not like them to visit. He uses the excuse that they are black and that he does not want them acting white. The father also does not like our daughter to pay us visits. Our daughter sneaks over and is always on pins and needles when her cell phone rings. She goes into the other room with the calls. I happened to overhear a conversation once and heard her lying to him that she was at the grocery.

One time I thought I saw some faint marks on her face and asked what happened. She just laughed it off and said it was nothing. I know better. I suspect our daughter and grandchildren are in a violent situation. Our daughter used to be a vibrant, outgoing lady. Ever since she has been with this man, she has shut down completely. She rarely smiles, is afraid of her own shadow, seems to be deathly afraid of her boyfriend, and has lost all of her friends.

I confronted my daughter about this change in her behavior and asked what is wrong with her boyfriend.

I asked whether he is abusing her or the children. She said no and that everything is just fine, only money is a little tight. I pushed on the point that her boyfriend seems angry and controlling. She said this is true but it is an ethnic trait.

It seems her boyfriend told her his behavior is a "black thing" and that is how black men behave. He said black men are known as being the bosses of their houses, and it is expected their women obey them without question. He also told her if she wants to stay with him, she has to give up her family and be totally devoted and faithful to him.

Larry, I will admit I have limited knowledge of black culture, but I have never heard this kind of controlling behavior is a "black thing." I need to know whether this is a "black thing" because I want to share that information with my daughter.

A friend of mine, who is a regular reader of your column, said if anyone in America will give me a straight answer, it is you. — Worried Mom

Dear Mom: Your daughter's boyfriend sounds dangerous. This man is blowing smoke. His behavior is not a "black thing," it is a "spousal abuser's thing." What is happening is not a race issue; it is an issue in which one person has the physical and mental power to dominate, and the other accepts the abuse and acts powerless to deal with the issue.

Your daughter needs help right away. I suggest you somehow get her and the children to a safe place away from this man. After they are secure, get her into counseling to find out why she tolerates this type of abusive behavior. Even if you are successful in ending this dysfunctional relationship, it has been my experience she will find another relationship just as bad or worse.

To find out more about Larry G. Meeks and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

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