Dear Margo: I am a 32-year-old man. After a string of older women, I have happily, though uncharacteristically, been dating a woman eight years my junior for about a year. I am deeply in love with her, and we have been seriously discussing moving in together. She is unusually close to her mother and sings her praises every chance she gets. For the most part this praise is well deserved. Her mother gave birth to her at 16 years of age and still managed to give her a pretty good future, even as a single mom.

Unfortunately, her mother has made some obvious passes at me. It started with affectionate behavior and light flirtation, which included playful allusions to my former lovers and how they were her age rather than her daughter's. One might dismiss those as mere jokes, but a few recent incidents can't possibly be dismissed as such. I'm not at all sure she would believe me if I accused her mother of hitting on me, and I fear she would believe it if her mother chose to reverse the accusation, especially given my record of dating older women. Part of me is thinking "bail out," but I don't want to lose my girl. I also want to avoid damaging her relationship with her mother if at all possible. — Desperate

Dear Des: Here's what you do to keep your girlfriend and not blow the whistle on her mother: Treat all the flirting like a joke. Just laugh ... in a good-natured, friendly way, of course. Nothing will tamp down these passes like laughter and an implied "no, thank you." And by the way, this phenomenon is not all that unusual. Sometimes the mother is not seriously flirting; she is just being reflexively competitive. — Margo, tactically

Picture, Picture, on the Wall, Why Are You Hanging There at All?

Dear Margo: A few years ago my husband and I married (each for the second time).

His first wife died and I was divorced. We both have children from our previous marriages. The problem is my mother-in-law. She has photographs of my husband's previous family (first wife and kids) displayed down a prominent hallway of her home for all to see. I have discussed this with my husband, and I believe she should have these photos in a room that I do not go into and instead display photos of my husband with his "new" family. He says it's his mother's choice to do what she wants, as it is her home. There are half a dozen photos of the previous family and only one small one of us placed on a mantle. The photos make me feel uncomfortable, and I do not enjoy seeing my husband with his previous wife every time I go to her house. It's as if she wishes my husband were still married to her. Am I overreacting to these photos? — Pictures Are Driving Me Crazy

Dear Pic: I wish I could offer you solace, but I think you are, forgive the infelicitous phrase, dead wrong. Your husband's first wife did not run off with some lout from the neighborhood bar; she died. She and her children — your mother-in-law's grandchildren — are a cherished part of family history. The pictures are there to remind her of happier times, not to annoy you. I, myself, have a picture of my husband's late wife on our family pictures wall, and it was my choice to put it there. Your husband is right, of course, about it being your m-i-l's house. My only suggestions for you would be to supply her with some new photos and do your best to give up those competitive feelings toward your predecessor. — Margo, bigheartedly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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