Dear Margo: I am a 26-year-old woman in a loving relationship with my fiance. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently, what with graduating college and looking forward to dental school in June. And ... we just found out I am pregnant. To further complicate things, I have had problems with my parents my whole life, and now they have given me their "condolences" about the pregnancy and are treating me like a teenage mother, urging me to get married as soon as possible. When I stopped by their home to get something, I heard my mother on the phone saying, "Well, I'm just ashamed that she has turned out to be so low class." They told one of their friends, and he subsequently called to give his condolences and to tell me that I needed to get married sooner rather than later. I don't have the energy to look for a house, go to work and plan a wedding. I really want to continue with our plan to get married in the summer. I want to be understanding of their position, but I would really appreciate loving support rather than mourning. Any advice for a capable woman in a loving relationship who feels abandoned by her family? — Wendy

Dear Wen: Not only does your mother have a heart the size of a navy bean, she is certainly behind the times. Federal statistics show that 45 percent of all pregnancies are among women who are not married. You read that right: 45 percent. Without meaning this as an endorsement, the facts are that some very tony people have put the cart before the horse, if you will. Gwyneth Paltrow joked about her shotgun wedding. Many movie and society people, along with everyday people, put off marrying — sometimes long enough for their toddler to be the ring-bearer. And there are maternity wedding gowns made by top designers. In other words, the stigma is gone. You mention having had problems with your parents your whole life. This is just another one. The very idea of offering condolences in this situation is appalling. They don't sound supportive or loving, so ignore the noise. And maybe ignore them. — Margo, disregardingly

That's Telling 'Em, Granny

Dear Margo: Usually it is families complaining that a grandma is not a good grandma because she is not "there" for the grandchildren. Well, Grandma is not the self-absorbed one. Grandchildren are. A recent news report suggested that this younger generation is made up of more narcissists than any other era! I have eight grandchildren from ages 5 to 24, both boys and girls. They are never available even though they all live within a 15-minute drive from me. I knew they didn't like to call so I learned e-mail to accommodate them. They don't e-mail back. They like gifts but hate thank-you notes. I travel eight hours one way to visit them at college for their honor programs and games, but when they are in town, they don't even pick up the phone to say hello. When I go to their homes to visit, they don't even offer a greeting — they just retreat to their rooms. The little one I only see when they need a babysitter. Grandparents have become obsolete. I, for one, have found another hobby. — Obsolete?

Dear Ob: It sounds like you have bent over backward trying to be an active, caring grandma, and for whatever reason, your gang has not taken you up on it (excepting the we-need-a-babysitter part). Somehow your children have not passed on to their kids the value of having grandparents. It is their loss. I concur that it's time to stop knocking yourself out. Let us hope, and it is a real possibility, that when they're a little older, they will appreciate you, and then you will become a born-again granny. — Margo, yieldingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

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