Dear Margo: I'm in an unusual (or perhaps not) situation. Some years ago, my husband had an online affair that lasted for two years. He set up an e-mail account that I did not know about and used it only to contact her. He told me he never had feelings for this woman and viewed what he was doing as a "game" rather than infidelity. He ended the affair on his own when the woman called him at work. I found out about the affair several months ago, when he began using the e-mail account again for something else entirely and left the account open on the computer. All the e-mails and pictures from six years ago were still there, so I saw everything. I confronted him and we just finished seven months of counseling.

Things seem to be better, and we are continuing to work on our marriage. My question is, those around us who know our situation seem to feel that what happened was not really an affair because there was no physical contact. They tell me I'm "lucky" because that wasn't a "real" affair! Margo, my husband received naked pictures of this tramp, and they described how they would have sex with each other. Believe me, I don't feel "lucky" at all. I think the pain I feel is as difficult to bear as if he had actually met with this woman. This is a man whom I've trusted for 20 years. How do I deal with these people who imply that an Internet affair isn't a big deal and should be easier to forgive? — Devastated Wife

Dear Dev: It is unfortunate that your friends and family even know about this, because now it is a subject for discussion — which I'm sure you could have lived without. In any case, there is a big debate going on about whether or not consummation is necessary for a situation such as yours to be considered an affair. I side with the group that says it is an affair. To me, the secrecy angle as much as the naked pictures and sexy talk constitutes a betrayal. If you feel you must respond to people who are trying to buck you up, simply invite them to put themselves in your place and then say, "Discussion closed." — Margo, conclusively

When "Normal" Swings into Abnormal

Dear Margo: I am a 23-year-old woman with an abnormal sexual appetite. I am currently dating five different men. I have one I refer to as "my pet" and one who is my "daddy." Sex consumes most of my thoughts most of my days. What was a minor interest when I was younger is now an all-consuming monster. I feel deviant and abnormal. I want to seek help, but honestly, I don't know what kind of help I should be looking for. Are there specific therapists for this, or would a regular psychiatrist be able to help? And I wonder if this all stems from not having a father growing up. I just need help. — Aberrant and Hurting

Dear Ab: The constructive part of your letter is that you know you need help. And yes, there are specific mental health professionals for your aberration, which is sex addiction. You can get a referral from your primary care doc, the American Psychiatric Association or the American Society of Addiction Medicine. There are also online support groups, which enable you to ask questions and also learn that you are not alone. As for your immersion in sex, it is seldom possible to pinpoint a single cause. I suspect growing up fatherless played a part in your dealings with men, but I can assure you that there are women who were raised as you were who are not "dating" five men and feeling as though sex is "an all-consuming monster." With guidance, you can become emotionally healthy, and I wish you luck. — Margo, beneficially

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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