Dear Margo: I am a 40-year-old man who has been in and out of therapy since seventh grade. I was even admitted into psychiatric care on two separate occasions by my attending physician. Over the years, I have lived life recklessly and have done many things I'm not proud of — even some illegal activities. But for the past four years, with two therapists, I have made great strides in my life and feel as if I am really coming into my own. So here's the catch: I've met the umpteenth "most wonderful woman in the world." This time, though, I feel I really, truly have the tools to make it happen — "it" being a fun, love-filled, committed relationship for the rest of our lives. Or so I thought until I slipped up this weekend while driving through the old neighborhood and reconnecting with one of my lady-of-the-night friends. Mind you, that particular temptation always haunts me, but I'd been able to tell that inclination to take a hike for quite a while, but this weekend I slipped. I honestly don't feel guilty about it as this wonderful woman and I have yet to become intimate. I am certain that once I am in full "relationship mode" I won't have that problem anymore. I want to be in love, have a home and be a loving family man. I'm just terrified of giving in to the groin again. How do I fix that? It's not a sexual addiction, I believe, because I am functioning and paying my bills and all of that, and my porn collection doesn't get as much use as it used to — though, I constantly add to it. I'm a collector by nature. So what is it? — Perpetually Perverted?

Dear Perp: I'm not so sure you don't feel guilty about your recent exploit in the 'hood. I also question why you fear "giving into the groin again" but dismiss the possibility you might be a sex addict. The fact that you can function and pay your bills is quite beside the point. There have been some famous rich guys, self-admitted sex addicts, who could certainly pay their bills. (I will do them the courtesy of not mentioning their names.) Because you have two therapists — one more than "normal" neurotics — I think one or both of them could help you deal with this problem. And you might consider collecting butterflies. — Margo, determinedly

Time to Pull in the Welcome Mat (and Maybe Pull Down the Shades)

Dear Margo: I am by nature a private person. While I love my family, if I don't have plenty of "alone" time I start to get frazzled. My problem is that I live very close to a relative who expects me to spend every evening with her. This is not an elderly or disabled relative who doesn't have other options. I have tried to explain that while I enjoy visiting her I need some nights to myself. She becomes extremely offended, and if I skip an evening visit I never hear the end of it. What is the most diplomatic way to let someone you love know that loving them doesn't mean being joined at the hip? — Hospitality Impaired

Dear Hos: I'm not sure even a career diplomat could handle this without hurt feelings. I have always believed that when people are so dense they cannot understand the inappropriate nature of their own behavior, the victim of their insensitivity must adopt a direct response — in your case, a declaration of independence. You must tell this relative that you cherish your evenings as a time to be by yourself and her decision to "share" this time with you must come to an end. As for her becoming "extremely offended," you are the one with legitimate cause to take offense. If you allow yourself be pushed around, that is what will happen. — Margo, solitarily

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2008 MARGO HOWARD

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