Curmudgeon: It's a word that some people use when referring to me. Me! A wine lover!

OK, so I don't really love wines with high alcohol and low acidity, both of which seem to be quite popular these days. And I don't like wines infused with tons of oak. Oddly, I prefer my wines to smell and taste like the grapes from which they came, not some tree.

So, I assume you will take it as no big whoop when you read I also think much of what passes for wine expertise these days is a lot of bunk.

I refer to the florid language of press releases, the absurd claims of newsletters by some retail wine shops and the meanderings of a few of my contemporaries in the wine writing lodge.

Not to mention, snooty waiters.

I also refer to descriptors used by wine snobs and some of the verbiage you find on back labels. Mostly, it's gobbledygook.

We all know about the justifiable lie. The duo that defines the genre is: "The check is in the mail," and "The chef is in the kitchen tonight." And now, wine has a number of euphemisms so the wine collector feels comfortable after having spent so much money on a particular bottle of swill.

Most such phrases relating to wine seem innocuous, but newcomers to wine could adopt these lies and end up drinking plonk to which they must pay lip service. It was their money they spent, after all. Here are a few euphemisms and what they really mean:

— "This wine has a hint of toast." Real meaning: It's so oaky that Greenpeace has demanded the wine maker sign a reforestation pledge.

— "This wine needs aeration." Real meaning: The wine smells so bad, it's like the bottom of a garbage can.

— "It's slightly over the hill." Real Meaning: The wine would have been better in the Hoover administration.

— "It's sort of like an English cuvee." An English cuvee is the penchant of some in Great Britain for older wines. Most Americans, who have had old, tired wine with the old, tired thinking that infects their servers, usually have to sit through dissertations on this lame alibi.

In our hearts, we know that the wine is dead, and nothing's going to bring it back; not even a seance. Yet, the person who aged it far too long and served it speaks of how professor Saintsbury would love it. Remind him that professor Saintsbury is dead.

— "It's elegant." Real meaning: It's got 15.9 percent alcohol.

— "I love the varietal character." Real Meaning: It smells like a sawmill at closing time.

— "I love the regional character." Real meaning: It smells like a sawmill at closing time in the Great Smokey Mountains."

— "It's a blockbuster, with gobs of hedonistic fruit." Real meaning: It is a hard, tannic, unbalanced, high-in-alcohol, bitter, ungainly red wine that would remove the rust from a trailer hitch.

— "Serve well-chilled." Real meaning: This is a thin, acrid, low-acid white wine that has no character at all, so chilling it will detract little from its meager aroma. The greatest attribute of this wine is that it's wet.

— "It's really complex." Real meaning: It smells like a 1922 snuffbox from inside the drawer of a Stickley armoire, that once was housed in an old cow shed and didn't survive a bad fire.

— "This is a huge, massive wine that will work well with assertive foods, like wild game." Real meaning: Call your dentist and make an appointment for a gum transplant.

— "I highly recommend it." Usually said by a wine steward, it really means: "I bought a whole lot of this junk and my boss is on my butt since it hasn't moved, and if I don't sell two cases of it this week, I'm toast."

— "Enjoy!" Real meaning: I can't believe you really spent your money on this swill.

Wine of the Week: 2005 Solaire by Robert Mondavi Cabernet Sauvignon, Paso Robles, Calif. ($17) — A new wine from the Napa Valley-based wine company, with the talented Rick Boyer as its wine maker. The aroma is cherry with fresh herbs, and the taste is medium-full with a good roundness to the aftertaste.

Dan Berger resides in Sonoma County, Calif. Berger publishes a weekly newsletter on wine and can be reached at danberger@VintageExperiences.com. To find out more about Dan Berger and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

COPYRIGHT 2008 CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.