Wine gadgets seem to be the snake oil of the industry. At least with snake oil, you could lubricate the buggy.

I have seen many of these things advertised with all sorts of thrilling promises. I have tested many of them, and my conclusion is that they are as real as those letters from Africa promising millions if you just pass along your bank account number.

In both cases, your best response is, "No thanks," and after thinking about this for a second, I realized that the thanks isn't necessary.

The history of this little bit of scammery includes a news story carried by the Associated Press a few years back that said Chinese scientists had announced they had made a breakthrough in aging of red wine.

Using radio waves, they said, they could age a young wine in just minutes. It's bunk, and the AP should be ashamed they fell for this.

In the early 1980s, San Francisco restaurateur Trader Vic Bergeron staged an event in which he tried to prove that placing any wine in a pyramid helped smooth it out. It didn't work.

A few years later, someone tried to sell a crystal to do the same thing. Just hang it in the wine, they said, and, voila! the wine improves. I tried it. The wine didn't improve.

Quite recently a heavy coaster containing a large magnet did the same thing. It was advertised with all manner of support from some wine writers, including people I know and (once) respected.

A couple of years ago came one of the best of all: A flyer arrived offering Wine Wizard by Vin-Tek®, with a cleverly written bunch of hokum that included lines like "an energy catalytic converter" that "converts solar energy to speed up the aging process."

And it got better. The flyer said Vin-Tek "accelerates esterification" and "simulates the aging process … " And it is "maintenance free — no power required." Sugar and alcohol remain unchanged, says the flyer. It works in 10 to 30 minutes, said the flyer.

I called the company marketing this device (listed on the flyer as UPD) and asked how the thing works. A woman who sounded about 19 years of age said:

"Well, it's supposed to, you know, make the wine, uh, smoother, so if you buy an inexpensive wine, it, like, makes it taste like a more expensive wine. You know?"

I asked how it worked. She said, "We're not supposed to talk about that." I persisted. So she put me on hold (the song was "Wooly Bully" by Sam The Sham and the Pharaohs), then came back and took my name and number. She said she would call me back.

The flyer says the gadget is "patent pending." How long it has been pending is anyone's guess.

P.S. She never called back.

If these gadgets intended to improve wine actually worked, don't you think the industry would have them?

Dan Berger resides in Sonoma County, Calif. Berger publishes a weekly newsletter on wine and can be reached at danberger@VintageExperiences.com. To find out more about Dan Berger and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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