Single File by Susan Deitz

DEAR SUSAN: I recall the original letter from a woman regretting in her 30s her rejection of some really good guys in her 20s. As I recall, the letter suggested to me that she might have realized her rejections were not so gentle as they could have been. Thus, karma has now set in. As to your point, Susan, about the alleged contradiction in the letter from "Single By Choice," yes, you have forever pitched gender reconciliation, but you also wrote (not too long ago) that "any woman worth her lip gloss knows that a good man is hard to find." Is this not a contradiction also? On the one hand, you continually preach that genders are neither opposite nor enemies. On the other, that "lip gloss" quote seems to suggest there aren't enough good men out there to make gender reconciliation a reality. You can't have it both ways. I believe that for you to make a comment like that means the acrimony between the sexes is too far gone to ever be reconciled, and (I believe) you now realize deep down that gender reconciliation is more a fantasy than you will publicly admit. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Lip gloss is meant to enhance, not stir controversy and confusion. Yet that one remark about a good man's being hard to find is still reverberating its shock waves. And for the life of me, I cannot fathom the reason. A good woman is equally as difficult to find, the way I see it. In my experience, the person who can touch your soul is a rare being, male or female. And aware that I can at times be too serious, lip gloss and a good man were put into the mix of words. Not as an anti-male gibe, but as leavening. To lighten my too-serious bent. Nothing more. That one remark has gotten me more negative reaction than any other. Well, almost any other.

DEAR SUSAN: One of the hardest things to do is to look at oneself critically and objectively. Self-examination is uncomfortable for lots of folks and unnatural for many others. You recently received a letter from a woman who was treated badly by a man. I think we should all feel sorry for him. Why? Because unless he has family or friends who can "wake him up" to his self-sabotage with women, his patterns will continue to be negative with women. (And sometimes, even when someone does recognize he is undermining himself, he just doesn't have the will to change.) — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Sounds as if you've been there yourself. Such deep understanding and forbearance come only from quiet self-examination with a skilled and caring guide. (In this case, a therapist.) And even when you uncover the misconception you've been harboring about the world as it relates to you, there is always the possibility that changing those misconceptions requires more courage than you have available. Sad but true. Many people live with limitations and self-imposed fears that could, with effort, be surmounted in time, but the damage done to their psyche prevents them from tackling the project and realizing their full potential. Growing is a risk, always, but faith in one's own instincts and abilities can help one overcome it and realize long-sought confidence in oneself. Getting to that point takes strength of will and faith — well worth the effort.

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