Dear John: My girlfriend, "Mary," and I have been dating for about six months. Since Day One, we have been inseparable and very much in love. Everything is going great, and we truly believe we are soul mates. We plan to spend the rest of our lives together.

Recently, she admitted to me that her now-deceased father molested her as a child. I was the first and only person she has ever told. Mary says she has forgotten what happened and it doesn't affect her, but I do not believe this.

Last night while she was sleeping, I started to kiss and caress her. Mary fought me off and told me to stop. She was not fully awake. All of a sudden, I was aware of tears streaming from her eyes. When Mary finally woke up, she cried, apologized and said she had experienced flashbacks of the things her father used to do to her. What do I do to make her feel better or help her cope with this situation? — Feel Her Pain, in Sacramento, Calif.

Dear Feel Her Pain: Mary may not want to admit it to herself, but she was very much affected by this experience. Until she recognizes this and learns to work through her trauma, it will continue to affect her.

She needs to know that she is not alone in this pain. Incest is much more common than many of us know. According to the Bureau of Justice Statistics and other law enforcement entities, about 44 percent of rape victims are under age 18. In fact, 15 percent of victims are under age 12 and 93 percent of juvenile sexual assault victims knew their attackers: 34 percent were family members, and 59 percent were acquaintances.

Please encourage her to seek help. She can start with the Rape Abuse and Incest National Network's toll-free 24-hour hotline: 1(800) 656-HOPE (4673). Online, she can find help at www.rainn.org.

The counseling services provided by this nonprofit organization are free, as are its survivor chat rooms. She can also get information on private counseling alternatives and learn about books that address an incest survivor's pain. The impact of incest should not be taken lightly. Hopefully, with your support and understanding, she can come to terms with her past.

Dear John: My mother-in-law, "Susan," lives with us. Susan has a very negative attitude toward my oldest son, who has been my husband's stepson for the past 11 years. Together, my husband and I have two other boys, and she is certainly nicer to them. How should I handle this? — Had Enough, in Vancouver, Wash.

Dear Had Enough: You need to have an open, honest discussion with your mother-in-law about your concerns. Explain that both you and your son respect her opinion, but that her words, tone and actions when speaking to your eldest son are giving him the message that there is nothing he can do to please her, and eventually he will quit trying to do so. Then suggest remarks and actions that you know have a positive motivating effect on your son.

If she refuses to do so, it may not be easy, but you and your son need to recognize that the limitations she has placed on herself mean she is unable to open her heart to some people, and unfortunately, your son may be one of them. Ask him to continue to treat her with respect, but also give him encouragement to look elsewhere for the familial support he seeks: from you, your husband, his brothers, and most definitely other friends and family members.

John Gray is the author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus." If you have a question, write to John in care of this newspaper or by e-mail at: [email protected]. All questions are kept anonymous and will be paraphrased. To find out more about John Gray and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.