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Responding to Poor Judgment
Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and …Read more.
If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It
Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more.
What's Up with That?
Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more.
Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind
Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more.
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Running Around Need Not Be an Inherited Trait
Dear Margo: This is not exactly a problem — yet. I am engaged to a great guy who only has eyes for me. My mother, though, is worried about my future, because for generations, the men in my fiance's (quite prominent) family have been well known for cheating in their marriages. She says she is certain it is genetic. I say it's a choice. What do you say? — Looking to the Future
Dear Look: Regarding your mother's "certainty," I will respond with the quaint answer given by the physicist Murray Gell-Mann to a statement with which he disagreed: "Quantum flapdoodle."
I think relatively few behaviors are genetic. Because straying is often multigenerational within families, it is assumed by some that it's "in the blood." But I think, rather, such conduct is communicated, if not sanctioned, either subtly or overtly. I can't imagine any father saying to a son, "M'boy, marriage vows are just a piece of paper." I think what happens is that the behavior becomes known either through deduction, observation or gossip. Then the implicit message is "Infidelity R Us." A son sees his mother put up with it and assumes his wife will.
I only feel comfortable citing one such family as an example because so much has already been written: the Kennedys. Starting with "Honey Fitz" and "Toodles," the pattern continued with his son-in-law, old Joe Kennedy — who actually flaunted his liaison with Gloria Swanson. Then it continued in the next generation with JFK, Bobby and Ted. To be sure, a womanizing father can be an anathema and shameful to a son, but, like abuse, people often duplicate the behavior they abhor. Some men, however, see womanizing for the destructive and neurotic behavior it is and steer clear. You will have to follow your gut as to which kind you think your fiance is. And of course, marriage, like life, comes with no guarantees. — Margo, intuitively
Death by Junk Food? Nah
Dear Margo: I've been married for two years to a great guy who has two kids, 16 and 12. They live in a small town 400 miles from us. That, plus the fact that my husband works overseas for months at a time and their mother can be very uncooperative, means we don't see them terribly often. I'm a little nervous that they're coming to visit for the first time for a month this summer. This might sound weird, but what I'm most nervous about is feeding them.
I'm health conscious, and I've noticed they have horrendous eating habits. They don't eat vegetables. They don't drink water — only soda, sports drinks and chocolate milk. They declare they hate certain things, but answer "no" when asked whether they've ever tried them. I can't bring myself to feed them a hamburger, fries and a soda every day. I can't expect help from my husband, as he's not overly fond of vegetables himself. What can I possibly feed his kids that will not make them hate me, but will also not make them sick from malnutrition? — Trying Not To Kill the Kids in Washington, D.C.
Dear Try: A good and obvious rule of thumb is that it's your house, you're the cook and little buggers can't be choosers. You might ease them into better eating by, say, making the french fries from sweet potatoes. You might also introduce them to things you like, and if they don't eat them, well, they'll be a little hungry. If they really dig in their heels and faint from hunger, revert to the burgers, fries and chocolate milk, knowing that if one of these kids has survived for a dozen years and the other one even longer, there is no danger they will keel over from junk food on your watch. — Margo, palatably
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2010 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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11 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1: In general, I agree with Margo. Certain behaviors such as infidelity are not genetic, but learned. I'd say the lw needs to know her fiance better. She needs to know what his own feelings are regarding the past (and current?) infidelities in his family. Some folks are so outraged by the damage certain behaviors do to other people in their family that they would absolutely never repeat those behaviors themselves. Others see those behaviors as "normal."
LW2: I agree that the lw should provide the same kind of food that she and her husband eat but add a few dishes that her stepchildren like. I think the problem may be that she doesn't want to alienate the boys. It's already difficult to see them as often as might be liked due to the geographic distance, the dad's job, and the mom's resistence. Add to that the boys' resistence because they don't like the food they're getting and it's possible that the father could see them even less often. So I suspect the lw has that concern as well as health concerns regarding their diet. But someone needs to at least expose them to healthy eating habits.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Fri Mar 19, 2010 7:28 AM
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YOUR MOM NEEDS TO MY HER ON LIFE AND LET YOU LIVE YOURS SHE CAN NOT STOP WHATEVER IS GOINGTO BE IS WAHT IT IS.
Comment: #2
Posted by: PAMELA
Fri Mar 19, 2010 7:51 AM
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Maybe men don't say "the marriage vows are just a piece of paper," but they do let their sons into the clubby, old boy network atmosphere where it becomes clear that this behavior is acceptable, and even encouraged. I had a friend tell me how disgusted he was when his father offered to take him to a brothel - on his 14th birthday! Dad wasn't shy about letting my friend know he went himself, all the time. My parents would come home from parties and report conversations that would curl our hair! In our neighborhood (conservative, upper middle class) it was pretty much a given that men cheated.
Today, among my friends and neighbors, I'd say it's almost unheard of. I can't imagine that my husband has ever cheated. His time is too well accounted for (we work together in our business), and what free time there is, he invariably chooses to spend with me. My friends are the same way. One big difference is that the guys I know who have kids are very much into parenting, and save their free time for family activities. There is one guy who confesses to a problem with monogamy, but he is unmarried, and up front about it with the women he dates.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Carla
Fri Mar 19, 2010 8:10 AM
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LW2 I just have a few suggestions for LW2 to try: Any mom will tell you, you just have to be sneaky about the veggies. Make zucchini, pumpkin, or banana bread to serve as snacks or as a side with meals. Slap a little cream cheese frosting on the zucchini bread and call it "spice cake" ( just cake if they're really squeamish ). You can substitutue some flour with whole wheat flour, wheat germ, soy flour or a combination of all for a healthier treat. Try the above additions to pancakes . Make all ahead and freeze. Pop pancakes in the toaster & just defrost zucchini bread . Try serving grilled cheese with tomato soup. My kids like peanut butter and banana sandwiches. Peanuts are a good source of protien and "good fat". Martin's whole wheat potato bread is very soft like white, but has 4 gms of fiber per slice. Martins also makes whole wheat hamburger rolls. Use lean ground beef or ground turkey with and egg and bread crumbs to make healthier burgers. Offer tomatoes and lettuce with them. Make your own chicken fingers. Sometimes getting a kid to eat comes down to the presentation.They do like to play with thier food, so maybe you could find a healthy taco or fahita recipe. My pediatrician says you can almost make up for a lack of veggies by offering a wide variety of fruits. My kids get a different fruit with every meal. Vary your colors and offer at least two choices. A lot of this is a control thing. They like to have a choice. If my kids choose neither, that's O.K. I don't argue with them, but they know they get no desert. Just a suggestion, you may not want to go there. Choose your battles wisely stepmom. Sometimes my kids get a choice of having a fruit or the veggie I've made. I do ask them to try one bite of a new thing every so often. I've read in more than one place, that a toddler must be offered a new food 5-10 times before he'll actually try it. I've found that to be true with my kids even today. Maybe it's true of older kids, too. In a month, there's not much you can do to alter their eat habits. Just keep offering, don't get discouraged, and enjoy getting to know them. BTW, Don't knock choclate milk. Good protien and calcium to be had there. We mix half choclate soy milk with half skim milk to make our choclate milk. Voila! You've just added a new type of protien to their diet. Sometimes I mix 1 part cranberry juice with 3 parts seltzer for a slightly healthier lower sugar alternative to soda for myself, but I have to say, the kids don't like it. There are also great tasting yogurt drink in single serve six packs you can have handy. Check the internet for kid friendly recipes or suggestions from other moms of picky eaters. I'm sure there are lots of ways to sneak in those veggies. Sometimes getting them involved in meal making helps. Above all, compromise. At every meal have at least one thing you know they love.
Sorry to ramble, but I hope some of this helps. From the mom of picky eaters in MD
Comment: #4
Posted by: handmaid
Fri Mar 19, 2010 10:16 AM
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Re: trying not to kill kids, one good, easy solution is to buy some "green" powder (made from organic greens, fruit and berries) and mix it into a milkshake. A tablespoon will give them all the greens they need. Make it a chocolate milkshake and they'll likely never know all that healthy stuff is in there.
Comment: #5
Posted by: sarah morrow
Fri Mar 19, 2010 12:16 PM
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Caving on the food issue and producing a burger if they refuse to eat is a bad idea. Granted it's easier with younger kids, so LW2 will have to pick her battles, but I agree with Carla: sneak it in. Purreed veggies can be put in sauces, breads, and even drinks (spinach strawberry shakes, yum!) without being noticed, and wheat pastas and meatless burgers and hot dogs are much better imitations tham they used to be. Take foods the kids will find familiar and doctor them a little and LW2 and her stepkids should both be able to tolerate the compromise for a month.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Nichole
Fri Mar 19, 2010 12:48 PM
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@Trying Not To Kill the Kids in Washington, D.C:
1. You don't have to buy soda and sports drinks when you do the grocery shopping. If the kids want those things, they can buy it themselves, or let their father buy it for them.
2. Picky eaters can be accomodated, but don't over-accomodate. DO NOT cook 2 dinners at the same time. If you're cooking one thing and they want burgers and fries, say "sorry, I can't cook two dinners."
3. You should DISAPPEAR FOR DAYS AT A TIME. They need time with their father, and he needs time with them. Go on a vacation alone or with a friend. Go visit your relatives somewhere. During that time, he can do the cooking and feed them what they want.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Pooty
Fri Mar 19, 2010 12:54 PM
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I think forcing the kids eat what you feed them, will only breed resentment. One suggestion for Trying Not To Kill the Kids in Washington, D.C. ... let the kids cook their own meals two nights a week. The older one is certainly old enough to cook and the younger one can do it with supervision. Cooking is a valuable skill and can be lots of fun, not to mention a great bonding experience for the blended family. TNTKTHK could make a grocery list with the kids and even take them shopping for food. If they want burgers, she suggest ground turkey as an option... or at the very least she can get the leanest beef. Whole wheat buns, tomatoes and lettuce... there are lots if ways to make burgers more healthy. And since the kids will be "doing the cooking" they can own their choice. Or let them make pizza with those premade crusts and a variety of toppings. Tons of ways to empower the kids and keep the peace.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Penny
Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:53 PM
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I think forcing the kids eat what you feed them, will only breed resentment. One suggestion for Trying Not To Kill the Kids in Washington, D.C. ... let the kids cook their own meals two nights a week. The older one is certainly old enough to cook and the younger one can do it with supervision. Cooking is a valuable skill and can be lots of fun, not to mention a great bonding experience for the blended family. TNTKTHK could make a grocery list with the kids and even take them shopping for food. If they want burgers, she suggest ground turkey as an option... or at the very least she can get the leanest beef. Whole wheat buns, tomatoes and lettuce... there are lots if ways to make burgers more healthy. And since the kids will be "doing the cooking" they can own their choice. Or let them make pizza with those premade crusts and a variety of toppings. Tons of ways to empower the kids and keep the peace.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Penny
Fri Mar 19, 2010 4:54 PM
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If you haven't even discussed it with fiance, you might mention given the family tree what you will and will not tolerate. Some wives will and if that is what he needs, he just needs to know it isn't you.
Some suggestions are good. Oven baked fries are not much worse than baked potatoes. Trying sweet potato fries is good; many find them better than the regular because they're sweeter. You can put your foot down about sodas but buy the chocolate milk. Penny's substitutions are good also. Don't try to push a veggie agenda that your husband won't support, try to modify the foods. And if it all fails and you can't do it, make your husband feed his kids and leave you out of it.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Mich
Mon Mar 22, 2010 10:54 AM
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Good idea to let the kids help with the shopping ad cooking. They are certainly old enough to help and too old to be worrying about changing their eating habits at this point and for a month. They won't get sick of malnutrition in a month. There's no reason to try to "sneak it in" for a one month visit either. She needs to chill out and have a talk with her husband about it. He should be helping her decide what to do and she should not be paranoid about it.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Kat
Mon Mar 22, 2010 2:50 PM
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