Dear Ann Landers: Our 16-year-old son recently admitted that he is having sex with his girlfriend, "Evie." It's not as if we never have discussed sex. We have had long talks with him about it and discouraged premarital intimacy. He seemed to understand the dangers, but apparently, that didn't stop him.

Evie's parents are divorced, but we are friends with both of them. I think the girl should tell her parents that she is having sex so they can advise her and help her choose an appropriate method of birth control. Our son says he is using condoms, but I know they are not 100 percent reliable. Both of these kids want to go to college, and we are concerned that an unplanned pregnancy could destroy their lives.

I don't know how to get Evie to tell her parents. Her mother is a very understanding woman, so this ought not be a problem. Should I let my son know that if Evie doesn't tell her folks, I will? My husband says it is none of our business, but I say what happens to our teenage son definitely IS our business. Please advise me. -- Upset in Cape Coral, Fla.

Dear Cape Coral: Do NOT tell the girl's parents that their daughter is having sex with your son. The young couple would consider it a betrayal, and it could poison their relationship with you for all time. It is up to Evie to tell her parents, if she chooses to do so.

Although your son is demonstrating responsibility by using condoms, he should know that the failure rate for condoms is about 17 percent. A pregnancy for these two would be disastrous. Don't count on a frank discussion to change their behavior, however. Experts tell us that once teenagers become sexually active, they rarely stop.

Because your son has told you what is going on, urge him to insist that the girl tell her folks so she can see a gynecologist on a regular basis. It is important that she stay healthy and informed. Some visits with the school counselor would be very helpful. I recommend it.

Dear Ann Landers: I am 34 years old and have three children younger than 10. Two years ago, my husband left us and started living with his mother. He also has a girlfriend but has not made any effort to file for divorce.

Here's my question: How long should I go on trying to salvage my marriage? It's hard when only one of us is working at it. Should I just get on with my life without him or keep praying he will have a change of heart and do the right thing? At what point do I just give up? -- Hurting in Mantua, N.J.

Dear N.J.: He's been living with his mother for two years? And he has a girlfriend? It's over, dear. Call your lawyer.

Do you have questions about sex but no one to talk to? Ann Landers' booklet "Sex and the Teenager" is frank and to the point. Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $3.75 (this includes postage and handling) to: Teens, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
ANN LANDERS (R)
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