Dear Ann Landers: Have you ever heard of a father disowning his only son for not cutting his hair? My husband asked "Wally" politely to get a decent haircut, and my son's reply was: "I like it this way. I don't live at home anymore, and I don't have to do what you tell me."

Ann, Wally is 41 years old, divorced and raising two children on his own. He has a good job and doesn't drink or do drugs. His hair is shoulder-length, graying and wavy, but clean. His father thinks that after all we've done for him (helping financially and taking care of the kids), Wally could do at least this for him.

My husband has forbidden Wally to come to our house. The only way I can see him or my grandchildren is to travel 20 miles. Christmas was a heartbreaker. I had to deliver the gifts to my son's house, and he couldn't be here with the rest of the family for the holidays.

Please don't suggest counseling. It's out of the question. My daughters say both men are stubborn mules and this problem will resolve itself in time. Meanwhile, I'm brokenhearted and torn between the two of them. I would appreciate any advice you could offer. — Heartbroken in Maine

Dear Maine: Wally and his father each should give a little to keep peace in the family. Wally should trim his hair enough that it's noticeable that he had it cut. Your husband needs to mellow out and realize that Wally is no longer a kid who needs his father's approval when it comes to the length of his hair. They should meet each other halfway.

Dear Ann Landers: I spent many years doing part-time volunteer work in nursing homes. I always was saddened by how uncomfortable some family members and friends are when they come to visit relatives. Unfortunately, this is why many people rarely visit. I have a few suggestions for them:

Bring a photo album, and look over old pictures. People love to remember happier times. If you play a musical instrument, bring it. One of the sweetest things I ever saw was a teenager with a long ponytail visiting his grandmother and playing his guitar. She just beamed. Take Gramps for a walk in his wheelchair so he gets some fresh air. A manicure or pedicure (if permitted) is not only appreciated but also soothing. A foot massage with hand lotion could be a real treat.

Staff members would be happy to offer other suggestions; just ask them. Time is precious to the staff at a retirement or nursing home. Nurses and aides often are overworked and underpaid. Remember that the best medicine is company. — Dayton, Ohio

Dear Dayton: You've provided some wonderful suggestions. Bless you.

Lonesome? Take charge of your life and turn it around. Write to receive Ann Landers' booklet "How To Make Friends and Stop Being Lonely." Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $4.25 (this includes postage and handling) to: Friends, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS (R)

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