Dear Ann Landers: My father recently passed away. He was 95. Right up to the end, his mind was active, and he was alert and aware.

My sister and I were at his bedside, along with my father's wife. For several days, my stepmother insisted on whispering into Dad's ear that it was OK to die, OK to let go. She urged him "to follow the light." To me, it sounded as if she was telling him to give up and get it over with. I found this offensive and disturbing. When I told her how I felt, she insisted she only wanted to make things easier for Dad. What do you say? — Bob in New York

Dear N.Y.: At 95, I doubt that anything she said to your father would have made much difference one way or the other. It sounds to me as if the real problem is an undercurrent of hostility between you and your stepmother. Give it up, and let your father rest in peace.

Dear Ann Landers: I always have maintained it's the thought that counts when it comes to gifts. In that light, I'd like to know what you think.

Over the years, my husband, our children and I have received an odd selection of gifts from my in-laws. They are always previously used — from their attic, a thrift shop or a fire sale or otherwise recycled. We have laughed it off, decided that they are eccentric, and disposed of the gifts.

I can understand used books, clothing, jewelry and toys, but last Christmas, they went a bit too far. Our teenage son received an assortment of used after-shave — complete with mildew on the bottles. He just laughed and tossed it in the trash. My husband and I, however, felt insulted.

These people are financially well-to-do. They see our children only when they visit on birthdays or Christmas. They stay through dinner and leave just before dessert is served. Then we don't hear from them until the next major event. When we ask them to spend more time with the grandchildren, they make all kinds of excuses why they can't manage it. After being rebuffed numerous times, our children have stopped asking about them.

Ann, if it's "the thought that counts," what thought can there be behind such insulting gifts? I hesitate to ask them because I do not want to hurt my husband, but I would appreciate your opinion. — Daughter-in-Law in Englewood, Fla.

Dear Englewood: Here are a few adjectives: cheap, no-class, stingy, tightwads. And toss in stupid, weird and kooky because they apparently believe they are getting away with it. How sad that they're missing out on their grandchildren's lives. When their crummy gifts arrive, just toss them in the trash can, and let it go at that. Would you believe a woman in Minnesota wrote to tell me that last Christmas, she got the same fruitcake that she had given the woman two years before?

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ANN LANDERS (R)

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