Dear Ann Landers: I am planning to marry the love of my life in June. "Phillip" is a terrific guy, except when it comes to my 12-year-old daughter, "Beth," who is very sweet but has attention-deficit disorder. Phillip does not understand that she needs to be reminded of things over and over. When he asks her to do a chore, he expects her to jump to it immediately. He doesn't realize that Beth is distracted easily and forgets. She isn't being deliberately disobedient.

I think Phillip is being too hard on Beth when he says she needs more discipline. I agree that Beth may resent Phillip's presence in my life, but it doesn't help when he yells at her all the time. I love him dearly, but I'm having second thoughts about what marrying him might do to my daughter. Help me make the right choice. — Unsure in Baltimore

Dear Unsure: Put Phillip in touch with the authority who diagnosed Beth's problem. When he understands it better, he will be a lot less judgmental. Work at smoothing the way between him and Beth. And don't let Phillip get away. In a few years, Beth will be gone, and you could be very much alone.

Dear Ann Landers: I lost my wife of 38 years, the love of my life, to cancer, and now I feel that her death was my fault. Years ago, she had a bruise on her breast that would not go away, but she refused to see a doctor. After a while, the skin on her breast took on a thick orange-peel appearance. Despite my pleading, she would not see her doctor about it. More time passed.

She started leaning against walls in order to navigate and thought it was probably an inner-ear infection. She agreed to see the doctor for an antibiotic. After many tests, the doctor determined she had multiple brain tumors that had metastasized from breast cancer.

I'm convinced that if I had dragged my wife to a doctor when I found out the bruise wouldn't go away, the cancer might have been controllable. Because of neglect, my wife went through two years of radiation and chemotherapy — all the while wondering when the inevitable would occur. We spent that time traveling and doing things we always had wanted to do together.

When we returned from Hawaii last August, my wife began to deteriorate. Caring for her those last few weeks and watching her slip away was a nightmare. I beg your readers to see a doctor immediately if they detect a bruise that won't go away or if they find a lump or a mole anywhere. Because we waited too long, I lost my lover, my wife and my pal. — A.V.

Dear A.V.: I hope it will be a comfort to you in your time of grief to know that because you wrote to me, the lives of countless other women will be saved. Your description of the symptoms was wonderfully explicit. Thirty-eight years with the love of your life isn't a bad run. Thank you, good friend. You've performed a marvelous service today.

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