Dear Ann Landers: I am a 30-year-old married woman who is having a full-blown affair. I never thought this would happen to me.

Before "Bob" and I were married last year, we were compatible and had similar interests. I was not in love with him, but we had been dating for six years. I was almost 30, and most of my friends were married. When Bob proposed, it seemed like the right thing to do. Immediately after the wedding, we began to fight. Bob goes out drinking every night, and I hate it. I have suggested counseling, but he won't go. We haven't made love for six months.

Several weeks ago, I became friendly with a man at work. "Max" paid a lot of attention to me and built up my battered self-esteem. It didn't take long for me to start seeing him on the side. Max is 40 and never has been married. He says he can make me happy and feel fulfilled, and I know he is right. Max has asked me to leave Bob and marry him.

I love Max, but I hesitate to throw away the long history I have with my husband. Also, I don't want to admit to my parents that my marriage is a failure. Another problem: Bob's mother is very ill, and I'm afraid a divorce would kill her.

What should I do, Ann? I feel torn and trapped. I am in desperate need of advice. — At Loose Ends in Pennsylvania

Dear Pennsylvania: Put everything on hold until Bob's mother is well or, heaven forbid, no longer with us. Tell Bob he must go to Alcoholics Anonymous, or the marriage is over.

Be firm about this, unless you are willing to be married to a drunk who is sure to get worse.

Stop seeing Max until you give Bob a chance to dry up. If Max really cares about you, he will leave you alone and be willing to let you give your marriage a chance to make it. You have a lot on your plate, lady, and I hope you are equal to the challenges that lie ahead.

Dear Ann Landers: My best friend is slitting her wrists. I know she doesn't want to end her life, but whenever she has a bad day at school or problems at home, she cuts herself. The most recent time she did this, I threatened to tell her parents, but she pleaded with me to keep quiet and promised that she never would do it again.

We are both 14. She is my best friend, and I want her to be happy and healthy. What can I do to help her? — Just Me in Philadelphia

Dear Philadelphia: You must insist that your friend get some counseling at once. She should see the school nurse, the family doctor or her favorite teacher. Self-mutilation is a serious problem and requires immediate attention. Don't delay, and don't let her talk you out of it.

Feeling pressured to have sex? How well-informed are you? Write for Ann Landers' booklet "Sex and the Teenager." Send a self-addressed, long, business-sized envelope and a check or money order for $3.75 (this includes postage and handling) to: Teens, c/o Ann Landers, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Suite 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Ann Landers and read her past columns, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.

ANN LANDERS (R)

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