Taking Stock by Malcolm Berko

Dear Mr. Berko: My wife and I got ourselves in a financial pickle and we're having a difficult time paying our mortgage (the house is worth less than we owe), our credit card bills and $27,000 in back taxes. To make matters worse, my wife is out of a job because her company closed their doors and my home renovating business is falling on hard times. I'm 48; my wife is 47; and we're getting desperate -- we can't even make our car payments next month. I'm writing because I was listening to satellite radio and listened (many times) to John Commuta talk about how to turn debt into wealth and how to pay off a 30-year mortgage in seven years using just the money I make now, and he guarantees a money back guarantee. Please tell me what you think of this method (if you know it) and if you would recommend that I sign up with this man to help us. My brother (he's 54) has a good homebuilding business (kitchens, baths, etc.) and wants me to move to Gainesville and be a partner in his business. He said he'd lend me the money to get us moved and help me pay some of my bills. But all our friends are here in Syracuse and my wife was born here so we'd like to stay. One of our children finishes college here next year and could get accepted to medical school here, too. So a move is our last resort. Please advise us. S.R., Syracuse, N.Y.

Dear S.R.: The person to whom you refer, who advertises transforming debt into wealth (pure snake "oilism") -- yes, he has a money-back guarantee, but from all the complaints I've read on the Internet, he doesn't seem to honor that guarantee. Commuta is a cherubic little guy, a bit over-fat with a Clark Gable mustache who seems to have lost about 60 percent of his hair. Some say he looks a bit like Dom DeLuise. And if this little fat boy won't honor a money-back guarantee, that says a lot about his credibility and credulity. But holy smokes and Smokey Bear; you must know that satellite radio is a lightening rod for some of the most mendacious advertising east and west of the Mississippi. Because their rates are so low, any con artist with a credit card can easily afford to sell his trumpery via airwaves. And satellite radio is the den of iniquity for these high binders. And I chuckle, moue and gag while listening to the bloviating tripe that absolutely guarantees weight loss, hair growth, enlargement of certain body parts and memory pills whose advertising is more entertaining than the performing. I'm fascinated that these pirates will promise to reduce your federal taxes by 80 percent, eliminate you credit card debt, make you huge sums of money in commercial and residential real estate, pay off your new 30-year mortgage in seven years, quit drinking, quit smoking, improve your memory tenfold immediately and make enormous profits in the options and commodity markets. Others boast they will save your business by incorporating in Nevada, where you can borrow millions of dollars and they can obtain 4 percent home mortgage loans. A couple of years ago, a friend who was visiting from Europe taped these satellite advertisements for his friends in Holland, Belgium and France. He told me that they were all incredulous and consumed with laughter.

Forget John "the Chubby One" Commuta. Check him out on Google, which should help you agree with my decision to "forget about him." He's got a good radio voice and is basically a skillful grifter that uses satellite radio to fleece the public. The Chubby One is all hat and no cattle. If Johnny could really transform debt into wealth, the U.S. Treasury would hire him in a Michigan minute, the economy would be bristling, the Dow Jones would be trading 30,000, Fannie Mae would be solvent, GM and Chrysler would be standing tall and he'd be on every TV talk show in the world.

I think you ought to liquidate everything you own in Syracuse, move to Gainesville (it's really a beautiful, clean and charming city) and join your brother's business. The Chubby One can't do a darn thing for you. 

Please address your financial questions to Malcolm Berko, P.O. Box 8303, Largo, FL 33775 or e-mail him at mjberko@yahoo.com. To find out more about Malcolm Berko and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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