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If It's Something Dire, You Will Know About It Dear Margo: My husband is an only child in his late 30s. My father-in-law is terribly selfish. We live several states away, and because he's the only blood relative left, my spouse does his best to keep in touch with his father. It is rarely …Read more. What's Up with That? Dear Margo: I really don't know what to do about my mother. It's as though she's made a career out of not listening to what I say ... or she's dedicated herself to doing the opposite. Right after I told her I was going on a diet and staying away …Read more. Guess What: Not Everyone Is Kind Dear Margo: My husband, our children and I recently moved to a new town. Through the children, really, I've met a group of women. They apparently are longtime friends, and one of them invited me to their Wednesday mothers group for lunch. I have to …Read more. Good To Go Dear Margo: My father recently got a diagnosis of stage-four liver cancer. He is adamant that he wishes to die at home. In addition to needing information about how this can be arranged, I have now started thinking about my own health and wishes. I …Read more.
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Responding to Poor Judgment

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Dear Margo: This past year has been amazing for me. I successfully passed my first semester in college with a 4.0 while juggling friends and a job. I have a very goal-oriented boyfriend who is compassionate to boot! We have a lot in common and attend the same nerdy clubs at our university.

My problem is my mother. While I love and respect her for struggling to raise my siblings and me as a single mom for 17 years, she has a problem with my changing friends. In high school, I was a recluse who clung to two friends who weren't exactly the best people to hang around with. One used me each time her drug addict friends bailed on her, but my mother thought she was a perfect angel. My other friend (a guy) would constantly berate me about my fashion sense and tore down my self-confidence in order to keep me from having other friends. Mom thinks of them as role models I should keep in my life forever.

Since graduating, however, I have found a group of friends that makes me feel comfortable and accepted. They're nerds like me who enjoy talking about philosophy and social problems, sometimes into the wee hours of the morning. My mother always asks about my old deadbeat friends, and because I live at home, she has a curfew for me — but she didn't for my brother, who, by the way, washed out of college. What can I do? I know I live under her roof and should follow her rules, but I feel as if I deserve a break every now and then. — G.M.

Dear G.: Hats off to you for finding your way, basically on your own. No offense, but your mother does not sound very sensible. If at all feasible, I would try not to live at home.

This may not be possible now, so what I would suggest is that you remind your mother of your brother's no-curfew rules relative to his college career, and I'd explain the problems with the friends she "approved of" for you. As they say in surgery, "all bleeding stops," and this tug of war with your mother will not go on forever. — Margo, futuristically

The Chatterbox Family

Dear Margo: I am part of a large family (we are from Hungary) of which my brother and I and our cousins are the first ones to be born in this country. We, of course, are more Americanized than our extended family. One thing I believe has to do with "the old country" is that our parents, aunts and uncles are constantly telling one another what's going on with us. They call us "the younger generation," and our doings seem to provide no end of fascination for them. Is there any way we could tone down all this chatter? I don't really know what to say to my folks. — Seeking Privacy

Dear Seek: If only you were from Russia, I could sympathize with you about the blabbers Karamazov. (Sorry, couldn't resist. That is actually a chapter title from a "literary" advice book called "Much Ado About Loving.") In any case, I kind of understand the old folks' involvement in their children's affairs, don't you, a little? If you feel there is too much information out there, you might try to let your parents know that those of you under 35 wish there was reduced discussion about your personal lives. You also might try telling them less. What you don't know you can't pass on. — Margo, proactively

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via the online form at www.creators.com/dearmargo. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.

COPYRIGHT 2012 MARGO HOWARD

DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS.COM


Comments

1 Comments | Post Comment
LW1-
Don't bother explaining things to your mother about your erstwile friends - she'll only get defensive and more pushy. Just get evasive - dunno, haven't seen him/her much lately, been busy with other things... If she gets really obnoxious, THEN you can remind her of a few things about them she may have forgotten to remember.

Your only hope for change is to move out. Two options: take an appartment together with some roommates, or forget about summer classes, work full-time + all summer and save your money for your own place in the fall. Perhaps you can look into dormitory solutions at your university - see what kind of on-campus accommodations they offer and if there is anything available.

I would have been tempted to suggest you team up with your friends and all take a place together, but... bunking with friends is sometimes the best way to make enemies - good to talk to is not necessarily good to live with.

P.S.: Did your mother put you down and shred your self-esteem like your male friend too? If that is the case, then don't even bother to remind her of his behaviour - she agrees with him.

LW2-
"Our doings seem to provide no end of fascination for them."
That's pretty much ther gist of it. Live through your children, they are the future, and that type of thinking.

"Is there any way we could tone down all this chatter?
Not really. Don't tell them more than you have to and put a clamp on the details you don't want screamed from the rooftops. What they don't know about they can't circulate.

I don't really know what to say to my folks. "
You don't need to say anything - they're doing all the talking!

You obviously love them nevertheless. They themselves certainly care about you very much, otherwise they wouldn't be so fascinated. As much as you think their attention is over-the-top right now, there may come a time when you'll miss being centre-stage. Don't sweat the small stuff - they won't be around forever.



Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:53 PM
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