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Bare Naked Mommies
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Womanizing Roommate
Dear Annie: I recently moved into an apartment with three other guys. We get along well and have fun together.
One of my roommates is a serious player and has no qualms about dating six women at the same time. With each one, he implies that the relationship is exclusive. He told me he does this because he got burned once. I told him that's a risk in any relationship and that he should stop being part of the problem.
Now he brings his various girlfriends to the apartment. They think he's a great guy who seems so genuine. I have to interact with them and feel horrible lying, smiling and pretending I don't know what's really going on.
What should I do? If I expose him, it will sour our relationship. At the same time, I can't keep pretending that his womanizing is OK. Do I really have to move again? — New Yorker
Dear New Yorker: You cannot become involved in every roommate's issues, nor can you be every woman's protector, although bless you for trying. These women are responsible for their own character judgments, good or bad. You have told The Snake how you feel about his behavior, and we think you should do so again, more forcefully, pointing out that he has become the type of person he detests. And when he brings a girlfriend over, we recommend you vacate the premises or retreat to your bedroom. You should not be forced to put on a phony face for his benefit.
Dear Annie: My son recently married his longtime girlfriend. My wife and I paid for the rehearsal dinner and the honeymoon, and the bridal couple paid for the rest. The reception was small, and the ceremony even smaller. They also wanted no children younger than high-school age. We would have liked to expand the guest list, but it wasn't our money, and we didn't push.
My sisters felt that their young children should have been invited, and one boycotted the wedding in protest. Then, two months later, our cousin married, opting for a destination wedding. Neither my sisters nor I could make it. Afterward, the couple held a local reception and specifically said "no children." The same sister who boycotted my son's wedding was perfectly OK attending this childfree reception.
My son is moving out of state next year, and my wife and I are retiring to Florida. I would just as soon write off that branch of the family, but my wife wants to make a big deal out of this snub. Your suggestions? — Put Out in Peoria
Dear Put Out: The two weddings are not exactly comparable in that your son is a closer relation to your sister's young children than your cousin's child is, and she was not as offended by their exclusion. However, boycotting your son's wedding was petty and selfish. You need not make a big deal out of this or write them off. Moving away will take care of any regular contact while leaving open the possibility of reconciliation down the road.
Dear Annie: "Worried Driver in Lafayette, Ind." asked for a universal sign to get people to stop talking on their cellphones while driving. Despite all the hysteria, the fact is that in the 15 years that cellphones have become widespread, traffic accidents and fatalities have decreased 25 percent, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration. — Hawaii
Dear Hawaii: The problem with quoting statistics is that you have to put them in context. Overall traffic fatalities did dip, but "distracted driving" accidents (e.g., eating, drinking, adjusting the radio and cellphone use) increased by up to 16 percent. Also, even though hand-held phone use decreased by 5 percent and is against the law in more states, 18 percent of distracted-driving fatalities involved cellphone use.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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41 Comments | Post Comment
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Well, federal laws have gone into affect and if states want their federal tax dollars for roads, they have to implement what has been deemed a law. This was in effect in many states to start with and as of Jan 1, many others had to join them or suffer the loss of funds. Hand held phones has been joined by cell phone use PERIOD. It is part of the distracted driving law.
MN has had laws in place a long time--tied to minors 18 and under--can pull your license till age 21.
Accidents are now including reports if cell phone use was going on when they happened. They pull the person's cell phone records and compare--add that to the charges. More intense charges are taking place if they are found it to be part of the accident/death, etc. Try for manslaughter if you cause an accident where someone died. Is it worth the cell phone use?
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LW1: Tell your roomie that you will not be held liable for any screw ups in names or any other information if they are at ALL of you renters apartment. 1 home, 1 guy, multiple babes. It is up to him NOT to bring them to YOUR home if he does not want info slipped out. Make it his problem, not any of the 5 remainder renters.
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Weddings. Let it go. Can't turn back time. Carry your grudge till the day you die, utter with your last breathe BUT THEY DIDN'T COME TO THE WEDDING.
GEE, don't you think your distance when moving will be enough to say NAY NAY NAY NAY NAY NA. And do you thing they will even give a damn?
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:50 PM
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LW1: Surprise, surprise: The Annies try to enable yet another act of cowardice. Sorry, but truth is an affirmative obligation. Hiding out while your scumbag roommate lies to woman after woman is a deplorable act of cowardice, and how are these women supposed to make accurate character judgments when everyone is lying to them? "Bless you for trying" my a55.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Baldrz
Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:51 PM
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LW1-
Make a "mistake" and call each and every one of them by the wrong name. Woops. If the snake gets mad, too flippin' bad.
And Annies? Because these women aren't mind-readers and don't know they're dealing with a serial cheater and bullshitter, they're lacking in judgment? Pul-leaze. I'd like to see YOUR liar-detector.
LW2-
If the bridal couple had buckled under to include your sister's kids, everybody else would have screeched to bring theirs too, something the couple could clearly not afford. Let it go - you're moving far away anyway. Distance can blunt a lot of things. This being stated, yes, the sister was being a bitch. You ARE moving far away - good riddance.
LW3-
Anyone busy monitoring other drivers' cell phone use is one more DISTRACTED driver NOT looking at the road. Pot, meet kettle. Oye vey.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:42 PM
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LW1: I think the Annies were off base on this one. Why should New Yorker have to retreat to his bedroom every time the snake brings home a different woman? It's New Yorker's apartment too, he's paying just as much of the rent as the snake is, which means he shouldn't have to give up part of his space every time the snake invites female company over. If I was New Yorker I'd tell the snake, in no uncertain terms, that I would not lie for him. Then let the snake decide if he's willing to take the risk of his women friends finding out the truth whenever they come over. If he wants to be a scum bag he can bring his dates elsewhere, like on a REAL date. If he's forced to actually take these women out, on real dates, he might just decided that dating six women at once is too darned expensive. Plus, being out in public, he also runs the risk of one of the other women running into him and him being exposed for what he is: a serial cheater.
Comment: #4
Posted by: corinne
Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:08 PM
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LW1: The roomie is DATING, not married. If he wants to play the field, so be it. These are adult women who can take care of themselves. Who says THEY aren't players too? Back off and MYOB.
Comment: #5
Posted by: WinehouseFan
Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:40 PM
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L1- This will come out eventually. If he's brought them all to his apartment, eventually one is going to show up to surprise him when another woman is there.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Renee J
Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:45 PM
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LW1: I don't think retreating to his room is an "act of cowardice", as Baldrz says and Corinne implies, I think it's making a (semi) statement which I agree with. In today's world of internet dating etc., one way to check out random people you meet is by meeting their friends. If LW1 smiles and pretends everything's cool, the women will think they've met a good guy. If he does a double take at the girl and says something along the lines of "oh you're having guests again... I'll give you some space" and takes off, the roommate can't really fault him for that and the girl(s) might think "hmmmm....". If he tells the girl she's been had (or calls her by another name), maybe he'll save one girl from a jerk, but then he'll be in an unlivable situation of tension for a little while at least. I say give tacit disapproval each time, let the girls and the jerk work it out.
p.s. retreating to your room is not "being forced to hide" it's normal roommate protocol, especially with dates. Besides, do I have to sit in the living room and chat with all my roommate's friends? I usually want to go read a book or whatever, after saying hello, unless it's an agreed upon movie night etc.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Steve C
Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:11 AM
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LW1--"One of my roommates is a serious player and has no qualms about dating six women at the same time. With each one, he implies that the relationship is exclusive." Of course he does; it increases his chances of getting laid. This is typical behavior among a certain faction of college guys. How your roommate treats women is his business. What is your business is how you respond to it and the decisions you make regarding how much you're willing to let slide for the sake of keeping your cozy living situation. What you can do is inform your roommate that while you don't have a problem with his harem dropping by individually, you aren't going to lie for him. He shouldn't expect you to put on an act so as to reassure his flavor of the week that she's The One. If his behavior continues to rub you the wrong way, then I suggest you move out and find roommates who share your moral compunctions.
LW2--"I would just as soon write off that branch of the family, but my wife wants to make a big deal out of this snub." Ah, tis the season for wedding drama. I support your plan to forget about your sister's snub and retire in peace to Florida. Throughout your letter, you never mention how your son and his new wife felt about your sister's boycotting their wedding. My guess is that they couldn't have cared less and probably had more fun without her. Your sister used the no child policy as an excuse to do something else that day. The wedding was a small simple affair. For whatever reason she likes your cousin better than your son so made an "exception" in attending the cousin's reception, which followed a lavish destination wedding. See the pattern? Your sister is aligning herself with your well-to-do cousin because she's clearly superficial and shallow. Tell your wife to forget about this waste of a human being and retire to Florida to enjoy your golden years.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Chris
Fri Jan 13, 2012 3:39 AM
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When that couple wants to visit you in Florida (and they always do) you certainly have no room to offer them to stay for free and no time to visit with them.
Comment: #9
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Fri Jan 13, 2012 3:53 AM
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Re: WinehouseFan
Playing the field is perfectly fine, but if you're not enough of a grown up to be honest about it, then you're too immature to be with one person, let alone "play the field".
Comment: #10
Posted by: SopSop
Fri Jan 13, 2012 4:11 AM
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LW1 - This is tough for me. I'm all about "minding your own business" but I have been in those girls' shoes and I know what it's like to be played. While I don't recommend telling these girls flat out that he's playing them, I think a little "slip" would be okay (cue evil grin from me). I do like the idea listed above by calling one of the girls by a different name. I really like the, "Oh, you're having guests again" comment.
Winehouse Fan - Nothing wrong with the playing field but there is something wrong with lying, and that's what this guy is doing. He's lying to each girl and telling them that they're the only one. A good, honest person would tell them that they enjoy dating them but aren't ready to be exclusive.
LW2 - Honestly, let it go. So she didn't go to your son's but went to someone else's. Okay, yes, it wasn't right of her but it's not the end of the world. Definitly not warrent enough for a cut off or to "make a big deal out of it." Enjoy your move.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Michelle
Fri Jan 13, 2012 5:47 AM
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For LW2, I wish the Annies would take the time to actually read what the LW wrote before responding. The Annies respond by saying that the cousin's CHILD got married, but no, it was the cousin HERSELF who got married. To base their response then on the closeness of the relationship between the LW's sister's children and their cousin is therefore less relevant. And regardless of the blood tie, how close can two cousins be when one is a child and the other is old enough to be getting married?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Jane
Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:54 AM
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Re: LW3
And did you know that drownings are directly linked to icecream consumption?? Think about it...
Comment: #13
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:54 AM
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Was anyone else astonished when the Annies said, when you quote statistics you need to put them into context?
Not to beat a dead horse, but why don't they do that when talking about our favorite subject, menopause?
Comment: #14
Posted by: jar8818
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:13 AM
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LW 1, I had a female roomie that did the opposite thing. This was before cell phones. She'd go out clubbing, give her (OUR) number to guys, and then when they'd call she'd say "Tell them I'm not here."
I did that once, and then told her I would NOT lie for her again.
Next time I called up to her that X dude was on the phone, she said "tell him I'm not here".
I told him "She says she's not here".
Him: "Huh? What's that?"
Me: "She said to tell you she isn't here. Dude, you can call back if you want, but she's just going to avoid your calls. If I were you I'd just lose the number."
I repeated that whenever a guy called. Although I ALWAYS told her of a call, and only did it when she tried the "I'm not here" crap. She quit giving out our number. She may have been giving out a fake one, but at least we weren't getting so many calls.
Don't lie for him, but let him know you will NOT lie in advance. That way if he wants to pull that crap, he'll have to go to their place to do it. If he's like most of that ilk, you won't have to go out of your way at all.
If he gets huffy about it, just tell him all he has to do is not lie to them, and not expect you to lie. If he can't deal with that, get a new roomie.
Comment: #15
Posted by: moon
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:16 AM
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What is the matter with using the HORN.
Comment: #16
Posted by: SS1
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:20 AM
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SSI
What's wrong with just driving your car and getting over the idea you need to straighten everyone out?
Comment: #17
Posted by: jar8818
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:24 AM
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RE: Lise Brouillette
Oy vey.
Get a job.
The Quebec taxpayer is tired of supporting you.
Comment: #18
Posted by: John Dung
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:32 AM
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LW1 - truly this is none of your business, & you're probably going to have to live with your roomie the way he is or move out. However, here' s some ideas to keep the women out of the apartment. Get a large box of cheap toothbrushes, take half out. Put the half full box in the bathroom with a label "for joe's girlfriends". Put a lost & found bin in the living room with women's clothing & underwear in it, remind the women to check the bin before they leave. Get a large box of condoms, take half out, put the half full box next to Joe's bed. If a woman is coming over for a 2nd time, take a noticeable amount out. Chat up the women, get to know them, ask them questions as if they were someone else. Ask the teacher how things are going at the hospital. Ask the saleswoman how things worked out with that kid in her class. You get the idea. Sincerely apologize when she points out you have the wrong person, and then ask another question that shows mistaken identity. This is something your other roommates can play along with, too. I'm sure you can think of more things to do.
LW2 - be glad these people didn't go to your son's wedding & spend his money on their ill willed selves. Move to Florida and forget this ever happened. As you get older, you may find you need a sister more than you need a grudge or to get even with her for not going to a family event.
Comment: #19
Posted by: kai archie
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:42 AM
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LW1: I would take a totally different approach here. The Annies are WRONG, you should not have to be held hostage in your room by your roommate's love life, which is what is happening right now. How many days a week does he have these gals over? With six in his stable, he probably has a girl over almost every night! That's like having another roommate (even if they are six transient ones)! You're supposed to hibernate in your room? How is that fair?
If your roommate had ONE girlfriend who was over that same amount of time, would that make it ok? No. If it was one girlfriend spending the majority of the week at the house, you'd want him/her to pay additional rent and/or utilities. I would treat his current sitation the same. It is incredibly intrusive to have people in your home that much, and having to keep track of them (how do you do it?) and then keep his secrets makes this apartment more his than yours or your other roommates.
Talk to the other two roommates and see if they feel the same way. If they do, then it's time (or past time) to get some ground rules in place. In my old apartment dwelling days, we had a similar sitatuion (it was a four bedroom flat, three guys and me) with one of our roommates. We approached it just like I describe above. Every week we would all go out and play pool and talk about house stuff. At one of these weekly meetings, we told the offending roommate (he was a bartender and had a new babe every night... man, it seems like forever ago!) that because some of us had day jobs (me: I was up at 5 every morning), he needed to limit the girlfriend overnighters to weekends (Fridays and Saturdays). I had gotten tired of being woken up every night by his conquests, but the other two guys were REALLY tired of having these girls there the next day(I was gone before they woke up) all the time. The offending roommate was shocked that we were so affected by his behavior and it stopped.
If your other roommates are cool with everything, or just don't care, then you have to let it go and ultimately decide if you want to stay there with the current situation. Your roommate needs to learn some basic consideration and it would be interesting to see how he would react if you or your other roommates were to pull the same stunts on him. I'll bet he'd be pretty sick of the intrusion as well.
Comment: #20
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Jan 13, 2012 7:54 AM
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Re: SopSop RE #10
Good response.
Or the guys could bring their gal friends to the apartment, same night and INTRODUCE all, and SLIP another name when pointing out the roommate's female of the nighit. Oh, that's right, your name is ...........
~~~~~~~~~~
Ultimately, they should have written into their household contract when they went in as 6 guys what the rules were. My son was 1 of 6 in a house AND they got together to AMEND the house rules--established by those who were there the year(s) before him, from girls in the house to who cleaned the toilet. Talk about each person policing their own area as well as maintained order of the house. My son often refers to the absolute order helped all with maintaining a good social life, student life and high grades. With many in campus ongoings and schedules, RULES OF ORDER kept them all happy.
And the landlord was happy to keep them as tenents.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Jan 13, 2012 8:54 AM
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LW1 - Roommate situations are kind of like a marriage. If you're going to live together you have to compatible and share some of the same values. The way your buddy wants to handle women and the women who chose to go out with him really aren't your business and if you're making yourself uncomfortable about the situation (yes, you are making yourself uncomfortable) then you need to move because this isn't working for you. Don't lie for him and don't make stuff up but if you can't deal then get another situation.
LW2 - Actually these two weddings are quite comparable: people were invited. Some people attended and some decided not to. It's that easy. That's how it works with wedding invitations. If all these folks want to get all pissy about it and let take over their lives let it. Can't fix it now and trust me, it's going to happen again because people like this love the drama. Don't get involved in these conversations. You don't need to wite them or make a big deal. You need to forget it.
LW3 - Groovy.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Rick
Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:21 AM
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@ Chris: Really? Human waste because they didn't attend a wedding? The cousin is well-to-do? Huh? Your screen has more info than mine. I'm starting to think that you post your extreme posts just for the reaction because you couldn't possibly really think that strongly. Could you? Either way, I'm going to think this is the case so that I can laugh each time I read what you write.
Has it occurred to anyone that maybe this sister felt bad after boycotting the wedding, realized it was the wrong move within a family and not worth it, thus chose to attend the cousin's wedding? Sometimes we learn lessons the hard way when things can't be undone. Granted, if this is the case, she should apologize; but, for heaven's sake, give her the benefit of the doubt - you're really going to throw over a family relationship over an event? Get your priorities straight. For *%^$ sake!
Comment: #23
Posted by: kristen
Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:36 AM
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Re: jar8818-because apparently people need to be reminded what they are doing is not only a hazard to themselves, but a hazard to others. and as lise pointed out, it is just as dangerous to be watching what other drivers are doing inside their cars [although awareness that the car next to you is not paying attention, is a clear signal to try to get away from them], there is no reason why a passenger can't send the message.
having said that, there are exceptions to every rule...'the exit you told me to take is closed. now where do i go?' is a valid reason to be on the phone.
Comment: #24
Posted by: alien07110
Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:50 AM
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@ kristin
Haha. Go ahead and laugh. This column is for entertainment and I tend to craft my responses to that end. I am wired differently then most so I tend to see things from different points of view. Nevertheless, your interpretation is also a valid one. Additionally, in hindsight I do agree that my calling the LW's sister a waste of a human being was a bit harsh and I retract that. I do stand by my other comments, however, and my overall assessment of the situation. I don't think LW1 is contemplating cutting off his sister's branch of the family because of her boycotting of his son's wedding; rather, I believe that was merely the last straw. It seems as if this sister has a long-standing reputation as a troublemaker in the family and her recent antics are simply par for the course. As for the sister aligning herself with the cousin, I stand by that too. The LW's son had a small, inexpensive wedding and even that took the combined finances of the LW and the wedding couple. Meanwhile, the cousin jets off to some resort for her wedding and then can afford to throw a reception afterward. That takes cash, which implies that either she herself, her new husband or one of their families is of some means. I've noticed that shallow, superficial people tend to gravitate towards their friends and family members with money while treating their blue-collar friends and family as plan "B."
Comment: #25
Posted by: Chris
Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:15 AM
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Actually, I am LW2, and am very surprised my letter made it to the paper. I wrote it to let off steam more than anything else. To set the record straight, we are moving "south" but not to Florida. My cousin is not rich and their post-nuptial reception was not especially extravagant. I wasn't there, because I was "down south" for the holidays, but the thing that spurred me to write was my sister sending me Picture Messages from the cousins reception. It seemed that she was flaunting the fact that she attended that affair, so soon after blowing off my son's. She's never picture messaged me before. Not sure what she was trying to accomplish.
I never considered cutting off my entire family, and in fact am vacationing a different sister next week. I was just going to limit contact with the sister who thinks "nana-nana-boo-boo" photos are funny.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Joe
Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:56 AM
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So the sister missed the wedding, big deal. She will have another chance to attend in another 10 years or so. Then the brother and sister can make up and be BFF's.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Socal
Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:59 AM
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Re: Joe
LOL... The Annies really replaced "retiring down South" with "retiring to Florida"?? Haha, too funny!
Comment: #28
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:18 PM
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Re: Joe - Thanks for writing in. Please just let it go. Weddings make everyone weird and when it's all said and done she's still your sister. Enjoy your retirement!
Comment: #29
Posted by: Rick
Fri Jan 13, 2012 12:32 PM
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I mean no offense to LW 2, I understand he wanted to invite the children. But I wish more people would rethink their bias against having kids along, especially when it comes to relatives. So many people want to banish kids from weddings and get togethers. Personally, I don't understand this, as I love kids, but I'll put that aside for a moment.
Kids grow up. They become adults. And they remember how you treated them. Too many of my own relatives simply ignroed me growing up. I had family that lived twenty minutes away that I saw once a year at a holiday gathering, and they usually didn't say more than two words to me then. Then when I turned 21, they suddenly decided I was worthy of their time. Why on earth should I suddenly feel warmth and affection for people who ignored me my entire life?
On the other hand, I have an aunt who always used to take me out horseback riding or out for ice cream, and she would ask me about school and my friends and listened to me when I answered. Even though we now live several states apart from each other, I visit her at least twice a year. She recently addmitted that she doesn't really like young children, and at times she found me a bit difficult. But she loved me, wanted to get to know me, and wanted me to know that I had family who cared. Now, she does enjoy my company and we are always in touch. The relatives that ignored me? Not so much.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Alyssa
Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:11 PM
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apologies if this is a duplicate post...
LW1 -- while I love some of the various ideas that have been given -- calling the various girls by the wrong names or "remembering" the wrong professions for them, etc. -- I have to ask why you feel the need to lie to these girls at all. I'm assuming none of them is asking you, "is he dating only me?" or "is he really a nice guy?" Indeed, you're probably talking about the weather and such, right? Smiling, being courteous and making small talk is not telling any of these girls, "you're the only one, he's a terrific guy, and a marriage proposal is imminent." If you think they are basing their decision to continue dating this guy on the fact that you are smiling, being courteous and making small talk, you could consider grimacing, being rude and refusing to do more than grunt at them. Of course, they are not likely to interpret this to mean there's something wrong with the guy they are dating -- rather, they're going to think there's something wrong with you. If you "accidentally on purpose" slip up with names, etc., your roommate is going to KNOW you did it on purpose, and you're going to have an even nastier living situation than you have now, and then you'll definitely be wanting to move out. So, either accept the MYOB clause, or move out. It really is that simple.
@kristen (#32) -- Sure, I suppose it's possible that the sister miraculously learned she was being a putz, but if that was the case, it sure would have been nice if she had also, at some point, said something to the LW and/or LW's son, a la, "I'm really sorry I didn't attend the wedding, I was wrong, and that's why I'm here tonight." What do you want to bet that didn't happen? (and of course, since LW has now written into the BTL, we know that's definitely NOT what happened).
@Joe -- so glad you followed up with the BTL! As others have noted, you're better off just letting this go and allowing the distance from your move to "Florida" to do the trick for you. If your wife still has her nose bent out of shape, please tell her there are some fabulous spas in "Florida" where she can relax and let it all go.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:31 PM
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Re: Alyssa
I actually would have appreciated being permitted to not attend many of the boring family functions I had to go to as a child. Of course now I enjoy them, but when I was 5-15 - no way. Couldn't wait for everyone to be done so I could go home.
That said, our family was tight-knit and even if I had not attended those events I would have (and did) see my family a lot.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:42 PM
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@Alyssa -- as someone who "banished" kids from my wedding, I could wax poetic about why we did so, but that's beside the point. There's a BIG difference between "banishing" kids from a wedding (which, if it's formal, isn't going to be much fun for the kids anyway) and ignoring kids at regular family get togethers. And there's definitely a big difference between inviting a kid to a wedding (where the bride and groom likely aren't going to interact with the kids for more than 30 seconds and, as stated before, the kids aren't likely to have a good time anyway), and taking a child horseback riding, out for ice cream, etc. Your aunt took special time out to get to know you -- special time out that she knew you would enjoy and that she knew she could handle. And that is AWESOME and MUCH, MUCH better and more meaningful than if she had invited you to a formal wedding where she wouldn't have spent more than a passing moment with you.
As someone who never liked kids and is still surprised to have ended up having one of her own, I have to say that while I always appreciate it when friends and family do things to try to include my child, whether it's because they really want to see the child or whether it's because they think it increases the odds of my being able to attend -- I also appreciate the opportunity to leave my son at home with the nanny for certain types of events. Casual backyard BBQ? Oh yeah, I'll be bringing my son along -- lots of people dressed casually who will be thrilled to hold him and play with him, etc. Formal wedding? Uh, no thanks. He'll be uncomfortable in the dress-up clothes, he'll be unhappy having to be quiet during the ceremony, the toasts, etc. He won't have a good time, and neither will I -- and no one (except possibly the doting grandparents) will be happy that he's there.
Comment: #33
Posted by: Lisa
Fri Jan 13, 2012 1:43 PM
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LW1: All these "clever" little dodges are pathetic. Is it really so hard for so many people to tell the truth? Try it sometime!
Comment: #34
Posted by: Baldrz
Fri Jan 13, 2012 2:33 PM
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Regarding LW1: I agree with many readers that LW1 should not hide in his bedroom. If he does this, his life would be controlled by a jerk!! Also, there is risk in saying one girl's name in front of another (but it is an excellent idea! :-)
Should such a moment come when the girl(s) seem(s) to be receptive to feedback/thoughts, LW1 could just look the girl in the eye and say, "You be careful, OK?"
Consider it as charity, and helping a fellow human being.
One of my girlfriends went through this kind of experience with a serial womanizer. The only couple of people that she thanks to this day are those that actually took the time to hint to her that the guy was a crook. They did not elaborate on anything, but the seed of suspicion was sown in her mind, and she became smarter and began "noticing" things about this womanizer more and more. Needless to say, after a lot of heartache (for her) they broke up (he had no pain as he had others with him). But it was for the better (for her).
Comment: #35
Posted by: E
Fri Jan 13, 2012 6:45 PM
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Joe, you still can't change things as they had happened. And if you could, would you? You could not aknowledge the photos when they came or if sister dear asks----just say her email must have gone to DELETE/SPAM. And if she offered re resend it, just say NO THAT'S FINE. BUT I HAVE WONDERFUL PHOTOS I COULD SEND YOU OF OUR NEIGHBOR'S KIDS--etc. OR CUT PUPPIES, etc.
Gotta let it go, be friends with the family who still loves you as you are, step back from the ones who loves the drama.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:04 PM
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Re: jar8818
It's always the same thing - another case of "it's always okay when THEY do it". Yawn.
@Moon
I like your approach.
@SS1
The matter with it - apart from the fact you ought to be minding your own driving - is that some people view that as a declaration of war. As you'll find out one of these days.
@Kristen
Chris admitedly likes to play little mind games and bait people. Check Dear Margo, Nutty Wedding Goer thread. We are forced to address his more outrageous posts, in case infrequent/new posters think silence means agreement. He knows that and gets his jollies out of it. Aw well, if that's all it takes to make the poor guy happy...
Oh yeah, and he also admitedly views people's tragedies (since this is not fiction) as purely entertainment for his bored amusement.
@John Scheisse
I do have a job. What do you think I do on the road all day?
@Joe
Thank you for the clarification - once in a while, a LW does come down BTL (Below The Line) with some answers to our questions. What I said stands - the sister IS being a bitch, as in "I attended their wedding but not yours, nya-nya-nya-nya-nya, nya. It that's all it takes to make her happy... Flplplplp, poor woman, feel sorry for her. But I should be saying that to your wife instead of you! Good luck, and happy retirement!
@Zoe
"The Annies really replaced "retiring down South" with "retiring to Florida"?? Haha, too funny!"
They must have thought he was from Quebec! :-)
@Rick
He himself has no problem letting it go. It's his wife who wants to go nuclear!
@Alyssa
In most cases, it has nothing to do with a "bias" against kids, but rather with budget constraints. Setting a cut-off age is a neutral way to limit the guest list. This certainly is what it sounds like here. And... what Lisa said in post #33.
@Lisa
"I'm assuming none of them is asking you, "is he dating only me?"
They're not asking because they don't think they need to. I'm sure they would like to know, if only to keep avoiding contracting an incurable disease. I sure would if I were in their shoes. What E said.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:12 PM
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@ Lise Brouillette
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed person. So why don't you simply STFU already.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Chris
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:05 AM
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Re: Chris
What you call "wits" is calling people names and designing posts as a bait, as you yourself admitted doing. Indeed I am "unarmed" with those kinds of weapons.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:54 AM
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LW1: I don't get why you care so much. How often do you really interact with these women? It can't be long enough to develop a relationship with them. He's dating 6 women - he can't possibly be spending quality time with any of them. Doesn't sound serious to me. A woman who is serious about a man will expect a lot more. Stop thinking of these women as innocent victims. They're with a player for a reason. You need to give some thought to what you think and feel about women in general.
LW2: Tell your wife to get a hobby. I highly doubt you are close to the snubby sister so there isn't really anything to be done.
LW3: I love when people are so concerned about what other people are doing. Aren't you people just as unfocused on the road if your obsessing about what the drivers around you are doing? You could hit and kill a child while signalling to other drivers. Keep your eyes on the road and mind your own business.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Diana
Sat Jan 14, 2012 1:24 PM
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I agree - the roomie should let it go. And as for hiding in his room - if the guy is seeing 6 different women, then he could be hiding in his room almost every night! Not fair! (This is why I struggle on my own, paying my own way and not having to put up with the rude habits of others.) The wedding thing - anyone who is throwing for and paying for a reception AKA party has the right to determine if they want it child free. While big blow-out weddings can be fun to watch kids with their tantrums and other attention-grabbing antics, a small adult party should ALWAYS be the determinatino of the wedding couple to make. If someone feels slighted because their small children aren't invited and they don't come as a result, you should see it as that: their choice not to attend. Maybe they can't find or afford a sitter. That is their choice as well and it is just plain foolish to make a wedding into a statement of displeasure. Your kids not included? Then RSVP your regrest and let it go at that. Stop keeping scorecards - oh, they're not mad at so-and-so for not allowing their kids...Try to set a better example for how these kids should behave as responsible, mature, stable adults.
Comment: #41
Posted by: CJ Perry
Mon Jan 16, 2012 2:13 PM
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