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Real Affair Versus 'Emotional Affair'
Dear Annie: I am 44 years old and have been married for 12 years. This is my first marriage and her third.
My wife had a yearlong affair with a co-worker. We tried counseling, but her inability to end the affair forced me to move out, although we have not divorced. I also found out that her two previous marriages ended because of her infidelity.
Four months ago, my wife ended the affair, and we returned to counseling. However, during our separation, I reconnected with an old female friend. There is no romance or sex involved. I told my wife about the friendship, but she feels betrayed and doesn't think she can forgive my "emotional affair."
I am frustrated that my wife is being so self-righteous about something that never happened, when she had an actual affair — emotional and physical. Our counselor believes she may be going through menopause and has asked me to be patient. But I've already been dealing with this for 18 months.
I want to save my marriage, but it's as if the real reason for our separation is being pushed under the rug so we can concentrate on my nonexistent "emotional affair." I'm not blaming the counselor. My wife cannot focus on anything but my wrongdoing.
How do I tactfully remind her that she's the one who betrayed our marriage and that I stopped all contact with my friend but she continues to work with hers? — Not Cheating at Texas Hold 'Em
Dear Texas: We think your wife is keeping the focus on you in order to justify her own cheating. Please ask your counselor to work on that. If your wife refuses to take responsibility for her part in your marital troubles, there isn't much hope for a successful future with her.
Dear Annie: This is for "Baffled Nurse in Indiana," who was upset to see parents steal the office tongue depressors and exam gloves as toys for their children. I agree with her.
Some folks' sense of entitlement is off the charts. No one has the right to help himself to supplies in a doctor's office, especially for children, who are notorious for not washing their hands. You can imagine the germs spread by their grubby little paws. Not to mention, this only adds to the through-the-roof medical charges. Ah, I feel better now. — Sue in Omaha
Dear Sue: Thanks for weighing in. A few readers are on your side, but you are in the minority. Read on:
From New York: I'm a mom who has, more times than I care to recall, been shut up in a minuscule exam room with two irritable kiddos for longer than even Mr. Rogers could be expected to entertain them. I think the cost of an exam glove balloon and a few tongue depressor puppets is a small price to pay for a doctor's lack of consideration for a patient's time and sanity.
Morris, Ill.: I can tell "Baffled Nurse" when it became OK for parents to help themselves to doctor supplies for the purpose of entertaining. It happened a few years after it became OK to force patients to wait an hour in the waiting room and then another 30 minutes in the exam room. If doctors want to save money on supplies, they should stop being so greedy and lighten their patient load.
Chicago: Instead of complaining about her clients, perhaps "Baffled Nurse" should talk to her boss about ways to eliminate the waiting time. Medical services professionals need to understand that their patients' time is as valuable as their own and operate accordingly.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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47 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1-
Lemme get this straight. You reconnected with a FRIEND, there is no romance or hanky-panky involved, and you did this while separated. Where's the wrongdoing?
Apart from the fact that your "wife" seems to suffer from a terminal case of pot-meet-kettle, something is definitely wrong with her thinking process. I'm quite afraid there is no way you can "tactfully" remind her of anything, because even if you hit her over the head witn a sledgehammer, she still couldn't be "reminded" - she only looks at what she wants to see, and fixates on just that.
Methinks she has far deeper problems than a few sessions at the marriage counsellor can fix. Not only would this be a long-haul, in-depth therapy, but she would have to be motivated and it sure doesn't look like she is. Time to get that divorce. You deserve someone with a normal set of human imperfections, not a perfect project for a competent psychoanalist.
P.S.: Maybe it's menopause that made her lose interest in her lover... (sorry, gang - couldn't resist!)
LW2-
We went through this ad nauseam. Lock the gloves and tongue depressors out of reach and buy some toys for the kids. Problem solved.
The problem that isn't solved, though, is that of the insane waiting time because doctors have their secretaries book one patient every ten minutes when they know damn well it'll take longer than that. Today's LWs have a valid point.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Jan 20, 2012 10:01 PM
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Lise hit everything right on the head for both LW's. Can't improve on anything she said. LW1's wife definitely needs more psychiatric help than a marriage counselor can give her. The husband has done nothing wrong and shouldn't be made to fell that he has.
Yes! ENOUGH with the damn tongue depressors and gloves already!
Comment: #2
Posted by: Kitty
Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:29 AM
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When I was a kid, my pediatrician had all kinds of toys in the waiting room for the kids to play with. I'm talking about SICK kids playing with them, sneezing on them, and getting their saliva all over them. So a perfectly healthy kids would get sick from just being in the waiting room. A cleanly-packaged glove makes a much better plaything.
Doctors these days overbook patients, so a 1pm appointment will get you in at 1:45. That means you have to keep your 5 year old entertained for alomost an hour.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Roger
Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:13 AM
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LW1: You've done nothing wrong. She is trying to justify her actions. She's proven throughout her life that she's not trustworthy, and you have given her every chance to change (a lot more than most men would have done). I don't know how any man can trust a dishonest cheating wife ever again. Time to move on and find someone who is trustworthy, and worthy of you.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Dave Galino
Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:44 AM
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may i clear up one small misconception, please? it usually isn't the doctor who makes the appointments. it's his office staff. having sat in that chair during the receptionist's vacation, i can tell you it isn't an easy chair. patients call and want an appointment now. when they are told there isn't an opening until next thursday, they whine, 'but my knee hurts now. can't you fit me in?' and because two more lines are ringing and the patient won't give up, rather than be firm, which the patient will interpret as rude and complain to the doctor, the receptionist gives in. i would suggest if you are bringing your toddler in to the doctor's, bring in a few toys or a storybook from home.
and folks, if it's that much of an emergency, go to an immedicenter or the er.
Comment: #5
Posted by: alien07110
Sat Jan 21, 2012 3:43 AM
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Many HMO's REQUIRE a physician to see six patients an hour, one every ten minutes. Today all physicians are employees of some company. The physician does not set the office visit policies, the head of the corporation they work for does. The reason you are waiting so long is the physicians are practicing good medicine, treating their patients correctly, in violation of the corporate dictates on how long they can spend with each patient. But they have no control over how many patients are booked in each hour. The clerk keeping the calendar does not work for the physicians, but for the corporation, nor does the clerk set up the calendar, that is done by the corporate information technology (computer) department.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Nick
Sat Jan 21, 2012 3:57 AM
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LW1: Of COURSE she's trying to keep the focus on your so-called "emotional affair" -- that way she doesn't have to feel guilty and can try to make it seem like what you did is just as bad. It's her way of *not* dealing with the problems, and you'll *never* fix your marriage if that is allowed to continue. Make sure you talk to the therapist about it in precisely this way, or else the therapy will be a waste of time.
I'm afraid you really should prepare yourself for the strong possibility that this marriage is over.
LW2: Agree with Lise -- lock up these supplies and provide other entertainment, and maybe think about changing how you schedule appointments.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:02 AM
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I don't know why pediatricians overbook their patients, but I am a senior citizen and I once asked at my doctor's office why the wait was always so long. I was told that Medicare requires that a doctor book four patients an hour even though each visit may last over a half an hour. Perhaps there is some requirement by the insurance companies to do the same thing. I generally try to ask for the first appointment in the morning or after lunch so that I don't have to spend an hour in the waiting room.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Marilyn
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:28 AM
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I don't know why pediatricians overbook their patients, but I am a senior citizen and I once asked at my doctor's office why the wait was always so long. I was told that Medicare requires that a doctor book four patients an hour even though each visit may last over a half an hour. Perhaps there is some requirement by the insurance companies to do the same thing. I generally try to ask for the first appointment in the morning or after lunch so that I don't have to spend an hour in the waiting room.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Marilyn
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:28 AM
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Agree with the previous posters on LW1: convenient that it's your fault, when what she's done to the marriage to me is much worse. Yes, continue to try counselling and be firm. However, I agree that the other posters that this may be beyond what you can save.
If you're always going to be blamed for the problems, ask yourself if you're truly happy? i know a couple in a similar 40-year marriage, and it doesn't change. If one person is that caught up in a blame game, it's not a partnership...
Comment: #10
Posted by: Marriedgal
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:28 AM
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Mister LW1. Dump the wife! She is going through menopause and sex is over for you anyway. Look for a younger woman they're alway much hotter. This tigeress is not going to change her spots. I'd dump the conselor too! Menopause humph.
Was she going through menopause when she cheated on her other husbands? Can This Marriage Be Saved? Ummmm - NO!
Comment: #11
Posted by: Penny
Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:53 AM
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Re: alien07110
What you said is true. But there are countless places where the secretaries book patients ten minutes apart under the instructions of the doctors themselves.
My own GP (and am I ever lucky to have one) is not like that, and being fitted in-between patients for an emergengy doesn't mean you'll wait three hours. She's just as sought-after as anyone else, so it's obviously possible to be sensible.
@Roger
I always keep a purse-sized bottle of anti-bacterial and plenty of tissue paper on me. It's a good thing to have as an adult, an essential as a parent. It's up to the parent to pull that out and start sanitizing. The doctor and his staff can't take over ALL parenting responsibilities just because the kid walked into their clinic.
P.S.: The toys at the pediatrician's will not be worse than anything kiddo can touch at school. Kids do that - touch everything and put their fingers in their mouths. Freaking out about every germ is counterproductive. Kids have been doing what they do for millenia now - that's how they build up an immuno-system.
@Nick
"The physician does not set the office visit policies"
Perhaps that's the way it is in some places, but not everywhere. It's not like that at my GP's, so obviously she has some say on the number of patients booked per hour. And yet I've seen other offices where it WAS like that, so it's not necessarily because I'm in Canada. And then again, I'm talking about doctor's offices here, not walk-in clinics or emergency wards.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:06 AM
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Nick said it correctly. Physicians don't set the schedule - the HMO they are forced to work for does. They would love to spend more time with patients, and often complain about not being able to do so. Health Insurance companies are the greedy mofos we should be angry at. THey want so much money in profit that they force doctors to see more and more patients per hour. If one patient takes longer, it throws everything else off. So, just always expect to wait an hour and you'll be fine.
Take some toys. And if it's the Ped's office, don't they have some toys in the room? The doctors supplies are not for you - it's for the doctor. And sticking your germy hands in that glass bottle places your germs on all the cotton balls, or all the other tongue depressors, which will then be used in some other child's mouth. It's both selfish and gross to take medical supplies as toys, and possibly infect others. Just remember, if you're doing it, someone else probably has too, so that tongue depressor you let your baby suck on, probably has some other kid's germs on it. And that kid might not even be vaccinated these days.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Salty
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:12 AM
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LW1- Maybe the wife thinks that it really easy to cross the "just friends" line and begin an affair. That is probably how all of her affairs began. She may be freaking out because she is projecting her own moral code onto her husband. Or she could be deflecting blame by trying to make her own affairs equivalent to her husband's friendship. Personally, I could never stay with someone who has been unfaithful. Serial cheaters don't change. I think it's time to give her divorce #3.
Comment: #14
Posted by: Stephanie
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:23 AM
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Recently I read comments about patients waiting in doctors' waiting room and using gloves and supplies to entertain their children. Readers responded with frustration because they had to wait to be seen by the doctor. The point they are missing is that the doctor's day is one large domino effect. If the patients who have earlier appointments have problems that demand more of the doctor's time, such as a diagnosis of cancer or diabetes or heart disease, the doctor will be running late all day. We have read just as many complaints from people who have had to receive a terrible diagnosis, and the doctor has broken the news and run from the room. Even though receptionists try their best to schedule extra time, these things still happen. If the news if bad or treatment difficult to understand, or an older person with multiple health problems, possibly caring for a spouse with dementia is ahead of you, what kind of hard hearted person would push that patient out of the exam room because they did not bring toys to amuse their own children while the doctor spends more time with a patient who needs it. We can see by this scenario the real heart of the problem, it's all me-me-me, and no one has considered sicker or older patients, who the doctor needs to give a bit of extra time. Feel good about having such a compassionate doctor who would give a sicker patient more time. If you must rush in and out of the office, find a doctor who rushes in and out of the exam room also.
Been there, done that
Comment: #15
Posted by: ls
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:31 AM
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LW1--"This is my first marriage and her third. My wife had a yearlong affair with a co-worker." Honestly, I stopped reading your letter at this point because I already know the rest. What on earth made you believe that a woman with two failed marriages under her belt would be a good first wife for you? Honestly!?! Was she that good in bed? Now you're wedded but it's hardly bliss because she's already up to her old shenanigans and the new car smell has worn off for you because you've "reconnected" with a former fling. What a shock. You're getting so caught up in the semantics of your wife's righteous indignation you can't see the forest for the trees. Pot, meet kettle. Please allow me to clarify the situation for you. Your wife is a serial cheater, always has been a cheater and always will be a cheater. She's one of those who thinks the grass is greener and keeps jumping the fence. Meanwhile, the sweet little princess who you thought you rescued from her desolate tower has turned into the evil queen. Here's how this fairy tale will end. Eventually she'll tire of lying to you and pretending to be happy and simply leave you for her next Prince Charming. My advice to you is to realize this fact now. Understand that you're not going to change your wife and no amount of counseling will make her suddenly wake up one morning with eyes only for you. Taking this information under advisement and make your next move accordingly. Hopefully it will be a smart one.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Chris
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:39 AM
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I know how hard it is to spend upwards of an hour waiting to see a pediatrician. But that does not excuse parents from their responsibility to ensure that their children behave correctly. I always went prepared with books and small toys and my strong feeling that raising a child properly does not include allowing a child to steal if he is bored. There are many problems with medical care, but that is a separate issue. Making your children behave is your responsibility. If you have to take a car in for service and have to wait an hour or so for the work to be done, is it acceptable for the children to help themselves to some fan belts for fun? Maybe a few windshield wipers? Parents, be parents. Is it hard? Yes, but you owe it to your children to teach them how to behave in the world.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Carly O
Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:16 AM
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Carly O-- I am with you on this one. Whe I see a doctor I always bring a book. What's so hard about packing books and crayons for your children? People know there is a wait time and planning ahead makes sense.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Cathy
Sat Jan 21, 2012 8:24 AM
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Re: Carly O
Great point and fantastic post!
Comment: #19
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:12 AM
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If I am bringing a young child or children in general to the doctor, first, usually the child feels like crap, so bring comfort things from home. I always have crayons in the take to bag--even a sick little one can scribble on the white table paper. More often than not, nurse will offer a book/puzzle/crayons when in the small room waiting. NOT USED. They still contain the germs of pink eye, influenza, strep, etc. BRING YOUR OWN. Right now we are in the rounds of the pink eye and the little kids of the family keep passing it back to the adults. It is a simple don't rub your eyes without washing your hands. OH YEAH. Try that with kids.
The glove balloon thing. Only when the nurse brings it out as a toy DID IT USED TO get blown up. Since vinyl glvoes don't do the blow up thing, and LATEX is forbidden in hospitals/clinics/schools (and now our churches), that should soon be a thing of the past.
The tongue depressors are individually wrapped and STERILE. Bring your own popcicle sticks from home for entertainment.
I always have a doctor bag ready to go. Meaning some cheerios in a zippy. Unopened bottle of water, crayons, pack of gum, extra diapers if necessary, kleenex, baby wipes, etc.
Thing is, people who think it is ok to take things that are not theirs will do it any where. The other school of thought is sanitizer does not work like the labels profess. If you don't wipe it off with a paper towel, all you did is give the germs another wet coat.
Same as using the air dryer in the public bathrooms. The soap is what makes the germs slippery, the water to rinse them off after you have SCRUBBED. And the paper towel is to remove what is left. Air dryers just dry them back on your hands.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As far as importance of appointments. I go to a clinic in which I can choose from whom is available. 1 doctor is always the one of the day which takes walk ins (or call ins.) Keeps you out of the ER downstairs. (Clinic above the hospital and surgical center.) Cost factor is 10X different. My migraine IM shot is $3 for the med in the clinic and $300 in the ER. When my granddaughters were sick along with me--3 of us saw the DR at the same time. 2 time slots used and all left happy.
So when you are not sick, do a game plan so that when you have no choice and HAVE TO BE THERE, you are in control of what you do.
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LW1: Get the heck out of Dodge when you can. You are on a merry go round that will continue. Passive Agressive and counting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BURR STILL COLD---- minus 7 at 11 am. Hope for warm ups soon.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:13 AM
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Little sympathy for doctors who can't manage their schedules. I've seen this issue for 30 years, well before HMOs (supposedly) ruled the doctor's lives. Suggest folks try to find doctors who are better at scheduling. My dentist & his staff have a close to 100% on time record for getting me in with the professional who is treating me that day. My internist's office is quite close to that, too, & he is part of a huge medical practice that appears to think that's important. I expect pediatrician's have it tougher since so much of their business is kids who became sick that day & didn't make an appt until that morning. However, people who know that every day 25% or so of their business is going to show up at the last minute should be able to plan for that. Just as employees in every other line of work do what their bosses want, doctor office staff is doing what the doctor wants, not the other way around. I don't think people should steal because they're bored, but I don't think service providers should show total disrespect for their patients' schedules either. I complained about having to wait to a doctor once, & he appeared totally astonished that someone would say that. However, I had to take unpaid time off from work to see him, & I needed the money I was making plus I had commitments at work I wanted to keep. I found a new doctor who had more reliable schedules.
Comment: #21
Posted by: kai archie
Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:32 AM
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Let's look at it from the patients point of veiw. If my appointment is for 2:00pm and the doctor is always 45 minutes behind schedule is it appropriate to show up 45 minutes late? No - because they usually have people sign in and take them in order. This is not a rare occurance to be kept waiting way past the appointment time. If it is not an emergency why should we not ask how far behind is the doctor and reschedule when it is convient for both Dr. and patient? When making an appoint the receptionist should ask what the appointment is for and schedule accordingly? Of course this will never happen unless and until patients demand respect for their time. It is a no win situation so plan accordingly. Doctor appointment = 3 hours
Comment: #22
Posted by: Penny
Sat Jan 21, 2012 9:51 AM
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Waiting times aside, why is the doctor's office's responsibility to keep *your* kid entertained? Wait time is long? Be prepared! Bring a bag with some books and toys. I can't stand the excuses people come up with for crappy behaviour, like stealing!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Miss Sashay
Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:16 AM
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LW1
FILE FOR DIVORCE MY FRIEND. KNOWING THAT SHE IS STILL WORKING WITH HIM, SHE IS PROBABLY STILL HAVING AN AFFAIR.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Temecula
Sat Jan 21, 2012 12:19 PM
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Yes, we often have to wait to see any doctor. Knowing that, parents should come prepared. It's not the doctor's responsibility to provide entertainment. Also, as one reader commented the parents are putting their unsanitized hands on items reserved for the doctor to use on the next patient. You can tell the homelife that many children have by the way they behave in public. Unruly, misbehaving, rude children are that way at home too. If all it takes is a glove puppet or tongue depresser to keep them in line, then why not bring something like that along with you? Come on parents, face up to YOUR jobs.
Comment: #25
Posted by: MsAnn
Sat Jan 21, 2012 12:37 PM
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@Penny re post #22 - Amen to that! My son had a doctor appointment with a new specialist last week. It is difficult to get new appointments with this type of pediatric specialist, and I scheduled his an hour out. I left work early, drove an hour to pick up my son, unfortunately my babysitter was not at my house on time, so I had to take my other two children with me to drive another hour to his appointment. All three children did surprisingly well waiting 30 minutes in the waiting room when the receptionist finally called me up to the desk. She then casually informed me that somehow they scheduled two patients in my son's time slot and the doctor would not be able to see him that day.
I told her this was entirely unacceptable - that I had rearranged my entire day and drove two hours to be on time for an appointment that was scheduled more than a month ago. I informed her that I would not be leaving that office without a doctor evaluating my child and I hope they won't mind the noise my children make the longer we wait. 20 minutes later the doctor's partner saw my son and apologized profusely for the oversight.
I remember the first letter regarding parents using tongue depressors and latex gloves to entertain their children and I commented that the parents should have brought things to entertain their children. But after nearly an hour, even adults get ansy. Had there been latex gloves available, I certainly would have used one as a balloon and thought nothing of it.
Comment: #26
Posted by: sharnee
Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:29 PM
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LW1: Why are you in marriage counseling? Your wife didn't cheat to punish you for her unhappiness. This isn't a one time deal for her. She cheated because she has such low self-esteem that there aren't enough men in the world to fill her emptiness. Your wife is broken. You're an idiot if you want to stay married to her. Spouses shouldn't be projects. You need therapy to figure out why you married someone like her and want to remain married to her.
LW2: I had to laugh that you think missing supplies and grubby hands are the reason for out of control medical costs. You're a moron.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Diana
Sat Jan 21, 2012 1:51 PM
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Re: Lise Brouillette
Canada and the US are completely different when it comes to how healthcare is managed compensation-wise. Since you are under a single payor system, the physicians have a lot of lattitude that physicians in the US used to have, but no longer do.
Other posters are absolutely correct. It's the insurance companies and the folks that run the clinics/physician offices that dictate the length of doctor appointments, NOT the physicians themselves. This is what happens when physicians are being compensated in a fee-for-service environment. However, Medicare is working more towards results-based compensation vs. the old fee-for-service model, and insurance companies typically follow Medicare's lead. So maybe in a few years, things will change in the US.
So Lise, in this case, it TRULY is apples and oranges, and your experiences with your GP simply aren't relevant to the conversation when talking about American healthcare.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Janie
Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:16 PM
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correct re post #26 - I scheduled my son's appoinment a month out
Comment: #29
Posted by: sharnee
Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:34 PM
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Latex glove = $0.05
Tongue depressor - $0.01. Look it up. I'm sure lollipops are more. Add it to the bill then we can really make a dent in those outrgeous medical bills. Or even better have the doctor use the ones that the kids were playing with. Kids own germs! By God we need to inform the insurance companies of these great money saving strats. Think of the billions that coud be saved! I agree with Diana - moron. And, yes, I am guilty of blowing up a glove or 20.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Penny
Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:43 PM
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Re: Janie
Oh, I knew there were differences, which is why I mentioned Canada, in case there are some who don't remember where I'm writing from. But the folks who run the clinics, aren't they the physicians?
There are lots of things I don't even understand about our system (it's very complicated) and also, it's not the same from province to province, so when it comes to the system in the States...
Comment: #31
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 21, 2012 3:15 PM
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LW1 - Question for you. Why the hell are you still married to this shrew (aplogies to the actual rodents)? Seriously, what is the attration? This woman is borderline psycho.
Sue from Omaha - Ah yes. Germs. We had forgotten about those. Thanks.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Rick
Sat Jan 21, 2012 4:16 PM
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I will certainly be slammed for this comment in response to the "Baffled Nurse in Indiana," and before I say anything I do respect all opinions . Having been employed in a medical facility for 22 years, I have seen many changes and some not for the good. We cannot blame one single entity for long waits, high cost medical care, or unreasonable regulations. There are some constructive ways to deal with some of the unpleasant aspects of obtaining healthcare or receiving care in a timely manner. Alhough some waiting issues can be avoided by proper scheduling methods, individuals who need an appointment ASAP for something specific, such as cold or flu symptoms, need to know time slots are set aside for those 'quick' visits. However (mighty big 'BUT'), when an office gets multiple such appointments throughout the day and one of those 'quick' patients brings a list of 5 other health concerns to a 10 minute time slot, we've just set the schedule back at least 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour PER TIME SLOT, depending on the level of care required for that complaint . I'm talking two out of five appointments wind up much longer than originally scheduled for. Once a patient utters the words, 'oh there's one more thing I wanted to let the Dr know' while I'm getting that patient's information, it's suddenly not just a 'quick' appointment any longer. We are happy to serve your needs, but please, if you haven't seen a Dr in several years (for whatever reason, lack of insurance, time factors, etc.) please be considerate of those patients who are in a hurry and need a 'quick' visit. We will gladly put you in the proper time slot designated to deal with more complicated health issues. Gladly. I don't like looking out into a lobby and seeing angry faces or listen to howling, tired children any more than you like waiting. Oh, and the glove, tongue depressor thingy, if it keeps the children entertained and the parent or responsible adult is supervising, have at it. Trust me, everyone is happier when they can be distracted during unhealthy momments. I've even blown up an exam glove or put on a puppet show with tongue depressors just to gain trust in the exam room, it's better than being bitten or kicked by a frightened child. Another good way to speed your wait time is to be prepared for your visit by having all your medications and supplements either written down or with you in the original containers. If you have memmory or hearing issues, try to bring someone along to the visit (it may eliminate phone calls later which also take up valuable time.) Now, for one of the biggest (and inconsiderate) time stealing manuevers - if you schedule an appointment for YOURSELF, and your spouse, parent , or your second cousin who is in town for the weekend and suddenly needs a prescription refill for a routine medicine they should have packed before they arrived, AND NOT A PATIENT IN THE FIRST PLACE, is also there with you at YOUR appointment, please don't bring them back and ask us to see them too for something 'quick' when they didn't have an appointment at all. Remember, others are waiting...
Comment: #33
Posted by: Adeline
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:26 PM
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What is wrong with bringing your OWN toys for your kids to play with? The doctor is not running a play school.
Comment: #34
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:27 PM
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LW1 - You mean to say the LW mentions the counselor suggesting that his wife might have menopause as the reason she's behaving like she is, and the Annie's *didn't* agree? Holy cow! Someone check downstairs to see if the devil's handing out ice skates!
In all seriousness I couldn't agree more with them, or with everyone BTL. You're wasting your time and money in counseling - it all boils down to if you want to spend the rest of your life this way under the assumption that your wife will NEVER change.
LW2 et al - The family practice we belong to is great about supplying toys and books for the kids as they have a lot of pediatric patients and they want to keep things kid-friendly to reduce anxiety. At the same time, we will have our son bring his own entertainment when we think of it - sometimes when you're rushing out the door because of a burn or cut those things slip your mind.
I agree that parents should assume some share of the responsibility and not dig into the medical supplies, mainly because that's transferring germs onto the other gloves and tongue depressors, and it's setting a bad example for the child that just taking things from someone else is okay. Sometimes the doctor or nurse will hand my son something to occupy him and IMHO that's fine because it's at their discretion and their hands are clean, or they may have him do drawings or play with something to evaluate his motor and social skills. Otherwise I figure DH and I are the parents, therefore the lion's share of ensuring he's not bored or preventing the doctor from doing his/her job falls in our hands.
Comment: #35
Posted by: PS
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:29 PM
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Adeline - You'll hear no complaints from me.
Again, I'm fine if a doctor wants to bring in their own means for helping reduce anxiety, gain trust, occupy a patient, etc. My son once saw a physician's assistant who'd blow bubbles, and she was a pretty strawberry blond to boot, so you bet she had my son's trust and rapt attention ;-)
I still waver re: the parents reaching for said gloves and depressors, though, because Moms and Dads are wiping kid snot, cleaning up vomit, changing diapers, and often have NOT washed their hands before dipping into the supply drawer. Ew.
Comment: #36
Posted by: PS
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:35 PM
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Re: Adeline
Thank you for a very informative post - nothing like the voice of experience. Personally, I always have a book in my purse at all times - I love reading and you never know when you'll have to kill time. Of course, my daughter is 39 (I DON'T think I'm having another child), so the time when I had to worry about keeping her entertained at the doctor's office is long past.
P.S.: Next time you post, could you PLEASE separate your ideas into paragraphs? Once I knew you were someone working in the field, I made an extra effort to read you, but such a huge lump is difficult to navigate and quite indigest.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:17 PM
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re LW2 - Why is is that nearly every doctor keeps his patients waiting but most dentists
seem to be able to stick to a schedule even with similiar emergencies and unforseen problems?
The difference is like night and day.
OFF TOPIC BUT STILL ABOUT DOCTORS:
A few weeks ago I went to a clinic to get a vaccination. The nurse led me to what looked
like a nursing station - room about 6 feet square with a couple of chairs, a table, a
computer monitor and some medical equipment. The room was open - no doors. When I entered
the room to receive my vaccination in my arm, I realized there was another patient sitting
in the other chair at the other end of the room. I was surprised and speechless but let the
nurse vaccinate me anyway. Is this normal procedure? I'm not sure I want to go back there.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Westender
Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:21 PM
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Re: PS
Wonderful post! Some of the things you said -
"sometimes when you're rushing out the door because of a burn or cut those things slip your mind. "
"I agree that parents should assume some share of the responsibility and not dig into the medical supplies, mainly because that's transferring germs onto the other gloves and tongue depressors, and it's setting a bad example for the child that just taking things from someone else is okay. "
"because it's at their discretion and their hands are clean"
"Otherwise I figure DH and I are the parents, therefore the lion's share of ensuring he's not bored or preventing the doctor from doing his/her job falls in our hands."
Couldn't agree with you more - CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP!
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:25 PM
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Re: Westender
I don't know if this is normal procedure in a doctor's office, but I saw a lot of that when I was doing pharmaceuticakl studies. I see no problem with that, do you?
BTW, hey, long time no post, we haven't seen your signature in a million years! Welcome back!
Comment: #40
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:32 PM
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Re: Adeline
Best post on this one all day. thank you for providing that perspective and advice!
Comment: #41
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Jan 21, 2012 6:53 PM
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@Lise
I'm here. I read the letters and comments nearly every day but rarely have anything useful to add that hasn't already been said. I have also lurked on Delphi a couple times. However, for the record, I have enjoyed Zoe's cat stories - we have two, one of which is very high maintenance.
About the vaccination, I had questions for the nurse which I asked anyway. If I just get my vaccination and leave, everything is anonymous and that's fine but that wasn't the case.
To me it's about patient confidentiality. If you were with the doctor or nurse discussing your specific situation, would you want anyone else, especially another patient, within earshot? I wouldn't.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Westender
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:18 PM
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Re: Westender
Hi, cat guy. I now have a cat too, but mine is very low maintenance. He's a rescue cat, and I think he knows I saved his life. I can't understand why his previous "owners" couldn't love him, he has NO FAULTS! He's just a wonderfully nice, affectionate, loving, kitty-cat with velvet paws, who has a knack for doing the right thing all the time! Purr, purr, purr, purr, purr, purr, and that's ME!
Comment: #43
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:54 PM
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Whip their little asses. It is Wrong to steal. Period.
Comment: #44
Posted by: Peggi
Mon Jan 23, 2012 1:18 AM
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What this chronic cheating wife is doing is called, "transference". It is something manipulators use to deflect blame from themselves and avoid taking responsibililty for their actions. The only way to combat it is to demand you stay on subject which is HER cheating and the repercussions of it. This fella sounds like a real good guy, but frankly, I don't know WHY he wants to stay married to this woman who is a real player! I sincerely hope he finds the nerve to dump her like a hot potato. As for the doctor's supplies - at first I thought, yeah, what gives them the right to help themselves but after reading these other commkents about how long we have to wait to actually see the doctor (even after arriving on time or early for our appointments) I have changed my mind. Yes, one glove or tongue depressor isn't going to set them back. On the third hand, do none of these mothers anticipate a wait and come PREPARED?! How about bringing your own items to occupy the kids? How fun is a tongue depressor anyway? This one goes both ways. But I also think medical professionals are preoccupied with greed instead of taking care of people.
Comment: #45
Posted by: CJ Perry
Mon Jan 23, 2012 12:36 PM
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@CJ Perry - I do agree with you that parents should come prepared - and we do. But you can't carry a house full of toys and books everywhere you go and children have short attention spans. At this last appointment that I referenced above, we brought books, paper, and crayons. We read, we colored, we played tic-tac-toe and hangman... but an hour is an excruciatingly long time to a small child and they get bored of waiting. After some time, parents start feeling desperate to keep their children calm and will use whatever happens to be available. Physicians who treat children should understand that this is only natural.
Comment: #46
Posted by: sharnee
Tue Jan 24, 2012 8:02 AM
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Re: CJ Perry
Frankly, I am more preoccupied with supllies that are supposed to be sterile being used as toys by children with grubby hands than with the cost of a few gloves and tongue depressors.
But Sharnee is right, you can't bring the whole house and children have a short attention span, especillay sick ones. Perhaps an iPod or some kind of video game on a cell? My time to worry about that is well past, my daughter is 39 and she never wanted children.
There is also the principle of not teaching your children that things like that are public property. They're not, regardless of the insignificant cost.
My original opinion on the matter stands - lock up the supplies out of reach already and supply some toys, along with full dispensers of anti-bacterial and paper towels, AND a big sign instructing parents to wipe the toys off before their children use them. That ought to be enough to placate the insurance companies. If not, I'd like to hear from an insurance specialist as to why not, please.
Comment: #47
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:52 AM
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