Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1 - Good for you for trying to curb your bad habits, and for stopping or cutting back on your drinking. The first thing you need is some self confidence. The belief that you can attain what you want and that you DESERVE it is hard to get and easy to loose. Make a real paper list of things you could do - volunteering, cheap hobbies, learn a new skill or craft yourself - and pick one. And do it. Volunteering is the best because you can help those less fortunate. It gives you a different perspective and you feel good about helping others. Get your kids involved. Do stuff - have picnics, go bowling. Write down things you'd like to do (keep them reasonable, and affordable) and DO THEM. When you feel better about yourself, then set out finding someone. You will be in a better frame of find to not only find, but keep, potential partners.

Counseling will help as well. Good luck, I hope you are able to find your way!

LW3 - Soo... essentially, you are saying "don't give to charity in my name because you get the tax credit and I might get some junk mail." Seriously? Okay... whatever... how about some socks, then?

lw1- File a motion of default in the original court the divorce papers were filed. Your wife will be notified and if she fails to show, she will forfeit the right to oppose the original terms of the divorce.

I have no advice for the job hunting as I am also finding it impossible to get a job right now. The market is tough. As for the hopeless and anxious feeling, I've combatted this by volunteering at places. It gives me something to get out of the house for besides job hunting and grants me an avenue for the socialization I get so little of, plus nothing boosts your mood than having someone say, "thank you," and, "we really needed you today." Plus, it is rewarding to help others in need. This boost in mood will probably help with the ladies. A depressed affect typically does not attract a lot of women. Exercising has also helped me feel better physically and fight off fatigue.

I have never given moneyas a gift to a chariety where they asked for any more information other than the first name.
And I use this method alot when giving a memorial for a funeral (in lieu of flowers/etc) when I know the family is not swamped with medical bills outstanding. One thing with donations back in to HOSPICE is the fact that when a patient is admitted into HOSPICE, their medical bills are run through them as well as insurance, medicaid, medicare. The family sees no billing during hospice care.

And also for anniversary celebrations--whether 40th, 50th, up to the 75th--many locally--just ask for attendance not gifts. But you don't come without a card--and usually people tuck something in---If I am going to their celebration, I would know the people and also know their local chariety circle. Most often for a celebration like this is the local food shelf.

And brought up--the tax deduction. Well, if you gave the socks to the person whining that a donation was not acceptable in their eyes, but they donated the socks to GOODWILL, wanting the tax deduction---it comes full circle. So just give your donation and to heck with the whining person. They seemed to have enough of everything, so nothing you gave was gonna be good enough anyway. You just don't have to tell them (esp if they hate kids) that you gave to the FEED THE STARVING CHILDREN. Would hate to hear what they said about that!

People who will thank you for the gift of donation or the physical unwrapping gift won't be the bitchers. The un-grates never have their mouths turned off--so don't let it worry you. That is how SCROOGE got his start--anyway.

You could find out if you can just do a uncontested divorce. Check with a family attorney. They could advise you on the easiest and cheapest way, get the LOCAL court to sign off on it. Whether she ran away to another country or sits in a prison cell--you can still get a divorce. Many ways. Other things you need to quit blaming everyone else and straighten yourself out.

Did you know each drink you take has calories. Figure it out on paper. Be surprised that people think booze has very little calories. Just like a person drinking diet pop/soda--very high in salt--and if you are over weight--elevated BP usually comes along with the game.

Drink water, get off the couch and take a walk around your block, add more footage each time. Open your eyes. The world is living outside your door, without you. Be surprised where you might find networking for a job.

Don't use I CAN'T and give some reason as your excuse. No excuses accepted. And you might find different friends who can help you rather than feel sorry for you. Your friends who feel sorry for you are just doing that to get you off their backs. Friends would kick your ass off the couch, help pick you up, guide you to a non self pity corner and point out things to you. Not sit and drink and agree until the 12 pack was gone.

Gee, those calories also cost big bucks too.

LW1: Oh, my friend I feel your pain. Seriously. And since the Annies are intent on putting a bandaid on a gushing wound instead of giving you practical advice, I will give you what has worked for me.

Let's start with getting you formally divorced.

1. Foreign countries have different laws about divorce than we do, but if you have lived in the US for an extended period of time (in my state, it's 6 months, I believe it varies state to state), then you can file for divorce yourself here with or without her help or consent.

2. I have done this WITHOUT an attorney, although I did consult several over the years. The ones I talked to wanted several thousand dollars in retainers (including an international divorce attorney, who did help me for awhile, but my husband would not cooperate so I decided to file here in the US). What I found out from my sister, who is a judge in another state, is that almost all US courthouses have family law advocates who will help people filing for divorce themselves through the process. In my state, they used to be free, but now they cost $30 a pop for a 1/2 hour consultation. I filled out all of my divorce papers myself using an online template and was able to have the filing fee (about $600) waived (ASK! The courts don't offer this up. But most states have this option). By the way, \I also used the public library to print out the docs free and saved a lot of money there.

3. Because you have minor children, you most likely will need to make a parenting plan as well as take parenting classes and in my state, an orientation on family law. Once you start the process it's pretty straightforward. Show up here at this time, get your gold star, move to next square.

4. Your biggest problem (it's been mine at least) will be getting the papers formally served on your spouse since she is in a foreign country. The courts have VERY strict laws on serviing papers for divorce papers and you need to check with your state, county etc through the advocates (again, WAY cheaper than paying a retainer for an attorney) to see what is legal for you. Because I was supposed to serve my husband in Japan, the serving costs through professional servers would have cost me about $800. There was another option open to me, which was to petition the court to allow me to serve my husband through registered mail. Now, for some reason, the courts would not accept fedEx (?) or even overnight US mail options, only certified and I had to have a witness sign a document while watching me put the documents into the envelope. Total pain in the butt, but I got it done in one day. And again saved about $750.

5. After serving the documents (and yours will be more complicated because of the parenting plan you will have to write and have included: again, in my state all the documents are online and I have been able to write all my paperwork using the templates online) you have to wait for your wife to respond. If she does NOT respond, you ask the courts to grant you a divorce based on __________ (ask the family law advocates on this: It's something like non response in my state). They give you a court date: if she doesn't contest the divorce or show up, you are done.

In your case, because of your low income, I would suggest contacting 211 (the number for non-emergency social service assistance in most areas) or your local child protective services division and ask for help finding legal assistance through them. Your parenting plan, my friend (I wish I could hug you) is going to need some help. I would talk to social services about how to protect your children from their mother moving forward. People like her tend to run back when things get rough with the new relationship and your kids need stability. I purposely waited to file here in the US until my daughter was 18 for that reason: I didn't want to have to worry about her father having some kind of court imposed visitation and then him taking her out of the country where she would be beyond my reach (and yes it does happen ALL THE TIME, so I'm not paranoid). If I was in your shoes, I would ask for visitations to be supervised (they have different options depending on situation: again, talk to your advocate).

It's important to note that the laws in my state at least are a little different if the non-responsive spouse is in the military, for obvious reasons. So if your wife is in the military, you may have a different road. And again this is what has worked for me, and my sister the judge says it's fairly similar in most states. The serving process seems to REALLY deviate: we had a debate on that on Margo a few weeks ago, and in some states all you have to do is put an ad in the paper (?) but CHECK!! then DOUBLE CHECK!

Taking that first step towards closure will help you LOT. One of the best things about taking these steps is that you begin to feel like you have power in your life again, which for me was key. Then you start to work your way back into the land of the living.

But it starts with cleaning that divorce situation up. Please promise me if you are reading, that you will make the babystep TODAY to contact social services and look into possible legal assistance. It's out there. You can also contact your church to see if they can help.

You see? I don't even know you and I want to help. The people around you do too. Keep us posted. Best of luck and GOD BLESS!!!

Re: Maria
Excellent post.

Nanchan, great advice. Let me add one more thing. LW1, until you are divorced, you are a MARRIED MAN. Any woman worth being with should have enough sense to RUN the opposite direction from a married man who's interested in her. So, it might not be your weight, bank balance or any other factor. It just might be that the ones you don't get nervous around and back off from are smart enough to back off from a MARRIED MAN.

re: Zoe /LW3
You completely cut out the part of his letter that said they were not charities he would choose. Therefore, like he said, the givers haven't done anything at all for him, they've done something for themselves. Personally, there are various non-profit groups whose agendas I actually oppose, so donating to just any charity without consulting me could be quite a mistake.

@Zoe on LW3

Steve C is totally correct. I give to several charities, but there are also some non-profit groups which call themselves "charities" that I would never give to because I oppose their methods of operation and/or do not support their cause. In some cases, more money goes to the "support staff" than to the actual recipients of the charity and I research the charities to which I send money to make sure I am not donating to one of those. Also, there are non-profits which I also would object to being associated with. I am pro-life and would never send money to NARAL for instance, and would resent a donation being sent to them "in my honor". (BTW - I am simply using this as an example of an organization I do not support, NOT to start a BTL discussion on abortion rights!) If you DO give to a charity in lieu of a gift, make sure that the charity is one that the person you are sending the donation "in honor of" actually supports that charity before donating.

For LW1: My gosh, what a stressful time you are having. But the good news is that you have the most prized possession that your wife couldn't care less about; Your children. It sounds like you have some time on your hands, and I would suggest this: go for walks with your children. That way you can talk and reflect on what's going on, and you will get closer to them. They are the one's suffering the most over this, and they need you. Evening walks will let you know where your kids are at emotionally, and you lose weight, to boot. I'm happy to hear you have been curbing your drinking. You don't need kids saying that their mother left them for another man and their father left them for the bottle. Keep up the good work!

LW1: I feel for you, but I also want to encourage you, because with this letter I think you really are starting to turn a corner. With all that you have to deal with, it can feel overwhelming -- so *don't* try to think you need to solve everything at once; instead, break things down into steps, and work on a few steps at a time.

As Jo remarks above, dating while you are still technically married is a problem, so maybe put that on the back burner for now. Start to work on getting that divorce -- the Annies and commenters BTL (Below The Line) have some good suggestions.

Eating healthy and exercising more is something you can continue to do as well, and the more you stick to it, the better you'll feel -- the first few weeks are probably going to be the hardest, so try to stick with it.

Ease off on the drinking, as well. I'm sorry to hear about your friends, but take a moment to think about your last interactions with your friends: were you constantly negative and complaining? You have ever right to be negative, but sometimes it's very hard to be friends with someone who is negative week after week and month after month.
Maybe if you can show that you are making some progress, that even though things are bad you are working to improve them, you'll find your friends are able to provide more support.

This isn't to say it's your fault that your friends have distanced themselves -- maybe they weren't very good friends in the first place and you can use new ones. Whatever the case, make sure you surround yourself with positive, supportive people who will keep helping you to get better, and push you a bit if you start to fall back into bad habits.

Once you start to pull these other things together, it may help make your job search better -- sometimes all it takes is a little forward progress to get momentum shifting back in your favor. And nothing succeeds like success -- you'll start to feel better about yourself, and that will spill over into other areas.

No matter what, keep your focus on what's important -- your kids and your health. You sound like a good person who's been handed a raw deal, and sometimes life isn't fair -- but you can take back control. It may still be rough for a while, but I believe it will eventually improve, and I really wish all the best for you.

LW2: Yep, sudden personality change can indeed be a strong indicator of a medical problem.

LW3: Well, sure, if giving to charity in lieu of a gift, it'd be nice if the gift-giver chose a charity that was in line with the gift-receiver's values... but even if not, it's probably not that difficult to ask to be taken off a mailing list. Seems like a relatively mild problem to have, LW3, especially compared to living through something like LW1 has! It's all a matter of perspective.

LW1--"I feel hopeless and anxious. I don't know what to do or where to turn." Having your entire world upended will do that to you. The tone of your letter seems to blame your erstwhile wife for the numerous grass fires slowly eating away at your life (e.g., underemployment, raising three kids alone, gaining weight, overeating, alcohol abuse, dating problems, etc.) It's easy to see where a sympathetic reader will easily lash out at her for bringing such doom and gloom to you and her children whom she cruelly abandoned. I'm sensing, however, that your life has been tumultuous for years which probably precipitated your wife's affair and subsequent departure. It's a fair statement, given that we only have your side of the story. In any case, my advice would be the same. Make a list of everything that you see wrong with your life starting with the items over which you have direct control (eating habits, alcohol abuse.) Resolve to make changes in your life that will affect those things over which you have direct control. As positive changes come about and you gain confidence, it will give you the strength to start tacking the more difficult tasks such as getting a better paying job and meeting a new lady love. Oh, and get on-line and locate a legal-aid office near you. Someone there will help you obtain a divorce which you need to move forward.

LW2--You mean it wasn't the menopause? Shocking!

LW3--"I have had this "gift" given to me by friends and relatives, and I don't like it." Did it ever occur to you that your "friends" give you this type of "gift" because they have no idea what to get a difficult old biddy who complains about everything?

LW1 - I would definitly take nanchan's advice. And Maria's, too. It doesn't sound like you are getting any child support from your estranged wife. You should be. You don't have to be divorced to get it. A friend of mine isn't divorced from his wife (they claim they can't afford it...who knows) but he does pay her child support and that was worked out with a lawyer.

It'll take time but things will eventually work out for you. Just take it one day at a time. I know...easier said than done. But hang in there! Also, you've got too much on your plate right now to think about another relationship. Get things settled first before you explore that avenue.

LW1: I can't comment on the divorce and kids thing, because I've never been married or had kids (by design). However, on the job front and from a depression standpoint, I totally back what the Annies say about exercise. In the past few weeks that I have finally gotten off my fat ass and started doing at least 30 minutes of exercise a day, I sleep better, have more energy, and I'm more focused on the tasks at hand. (by the way, for those who read my story about food addiction on 1/11/2012 in the comments for "Dad, You're Disgusting," my first weigh-in is tomorrow! WOOHOO!).

Exercise doesn't have to be expensive either. I use Spotify, which is free to use (yeah, you have to deal with the ads, but it's a small price to pay) to play some music, then I just dance around my apartment like an idiot for 30 minutes each day. I also bought some 5 lb free weights and a Swiss ball and have been starting with weight training....both fairly inexpensive.

On the job front, I'm not sure what kind of work you do, and granted, the line of work I'm in is a little funky (Medicare and Medicaid reporting and reimbursement for health systems), but I found a LOT of success by working with recruiting firms who specialize in placing people in healthcare finance. Granted, my situation was COMPLETELY different, since I have no ties to anywhere in particular and I was willing to relocate, but it's still an option. The Annies are right as far as networking and putting your resume out there as well.

LW3: Your attitude sucks, but here are some little tidbits about charitable contributions.

The folks giving the charitable contribution can only deduct that contribution if they itemize their tax deductions from adjusted gross income (AGI). If they rent or their mortgage is paid off, and unless they have a MONDO amount of medical bills, the tax deduction isn't worth not taking the standard deduction.

Besides, if it's not a charity that you like, then they obviously don't know or care about you enough to figure that out. Do you really want to spend time with people that don't know you well enough to understand the causes you believe in? Quit bitching and meet people who DO share your values.

LW3- In the LW's defense, he said he'd rather he not get a gift and they could use the money to donate to the charity. He just doesn't want it in his name. So, it's not like he's demanding things.

Re: Zoe
If you think I need socks, then yes, give me socks. When giving a gift, one's first thoughts should be of the recipient's needs. If the charity is the giver's first priority, then the "gift" should go straight to the charity.

Maria: Great post!! It so nice to hear someone actually have a positive attitude and be proactive. Good luck in finding a job! Maybe one of your volunteer gigs will turn into something.

Jo: Excellent point. Any reasonable woman would run from a man who was still married. Imagine if a woman wrote into the Annies saying “I've started seeing this man recently who claims his wife lives in a foreign and refuses to divorce him. I really like him. Help!” The Annies, in a heartbeat, would say they've heard this tune before and not to fall for it. Lord help the letter writer if she wrote to Dear Prudie! She's a snarky little devil!

Re: Steve C / Kitty

I left it out because it's stupid. It's a gift. It's a gift. It's a GIFT. I personally do not donate to cancer research (I'm not opposed to it, obviously, it's just not my charity of choice). If someone makes a charitable donation to cancer research on my behalf I do not start complaining. Heck I would NEVER donate to one of those camp things for poor kids (I never went to camp) but if you did on my behalf, I would not complain. It costs many of the BIG charities $87 to raise $100. I don't donate to them. But if someone does on my behalf: "Thank you for the gift, kind gift giver!"

It doesn't cost me any money, it doesn't hurt me, and unless you're donating to a select few evil charities it's doing at least some good somewhere.

Feel free to bring it up with the giver and say "thank you for your generosity to this cause, but it's not in line with my beliefs. I really like and would like to support _______ as much as possible." Most givers want to give what the person wants. But for crying out loud don't write to an advice columnist up in arms just broadly proclaiming that you don't like charitable donations made on your behalf.

Re: Jon V

Sorry, there are no rules about gifts! In a perfect world everyone would get the perfect thing for everyone. But it ain't, and sometimes people get crappy gifts, cheap gifts, thoughtless gifts. We are supposed to have learned as children to say "thank you!" and get on with your lives. No complain because the giver got a tax rebate.

And what if those socks are the wrong color, Jon V? What if they come from a store you are boycotting? Would you write to the Annies complaining? Or just, y'know, say thanks and give them to Sally Ann or stuff them in a drawer and wear them when all your favourite socks are dirty?

Complaining about crappy gifts is for children. Grownups don't get to do that.

Jo, he's obviously separated since his wife lives in a foreign country and is seeing another man. She probably won't divorce him because then she'd have to pay him child support or even alimony. It's in LW's best interest to see a legal advocate of some kind to get her to pay up.

This line made me laugh, though: "The women I meet seem to want someone thinner, richer and less complicated." Gee, ya think? Women don't want a broke, fat, drunk loser with 3 kids who lives with his mother? (And that's without even going into the marriage situation.) Dude, YOU don't even want you this way. No shit women aren't interested, they have every reason not to be. You are NOT in a position to have a relationship now. Just don't worry about women and focus on fixing your problems.

LW3- My husband worked for a company that did the "we made a donation in your name" as a Christmas bonus. Win/win for the company...tax deductible presents! That's even cheaper than the jelly-of-the-month-club (made famous in Christmas Vacation). There was no amount listed either so they could have donated a penny per employee. If they want to contribute to charity, wonderful, but don't call a gift to your employees. This was a huge company too, with locations all over America. i could just picture someone in the corporate office thinking "Damn! I am a GENIUS!"

Re: nanchan, that advice alone was worth thousands of dollars. Excellent! I do believe that the age of the children will figure into the equation but what a great roadmap! LW1 print that post and get going. This post is the BEST ADVICE that I have seen BTL and ATL! Along with helping to get that divorce it will get you out of your house and moving. This route alone will help you with many of your problems. Again Nanchan, well done!
I have also been 'quilty' of giving to charities for presents. One of my favorites is Kiva - for the children. Suprisingly the kids alway have something to talk about and keep track of their loans. It makes them feel good that they are helping others.( Look it up if you are not familiar with this organization). I have also set up accounts with online investment companies and purchased stock so that they can grow their portfolio. I do know that these are not typical 'gifts' but they seem to work for us and no one has complained yet. I do take into consideration what the receivers likes. You can not go wrong with the Salvation Army, the ASPCA, or your local food bank. I plan on continueing with this tradtion. No one in my family needs anything as we are all blessed with nice homes, good food, and all the clothes one could hope for. SHARE THE WEALTH with those less fortunate.

@Janie (#14) Congrats!!!! :)

Woo! I LOVE Kiva!!!


Man, some of y'all are so materialistic. I love when people donate in my name. A charity gets something and I don't have to find space or use for some other thing I may or may not want. The things I truly want I can buy myself or do without.

LW1-
The Annies' advice was good enough but, as usual, insufficient. I'll do like other posters and add to it:

1. Alcohol not only excarbates your depression, but cost money you can't afford. Since you undoubtedly know this, this will depress you even further every time you drink. On top of that, it has a high sugar content (fattening) and a high salt content (water-retention = bloating). Those extra pounds are not good for your morale either, so stop it. You can probabkly shed quite a few pounds just by ditching the bottle. If by any chance, you've developed a physical dependency, go to AA. It will get you out of the house and the people you meet there will be good for your morale.

2. DO get out of the house. Volunteer some time somewhere once a week if you have no money for outings and hobbies. Meet people. Do some good. That's all god for the morale.

3. Join support groups - ditched spouses, depressed, single parents. Look it up on the Net. Probably plenty of them. If there are none in your area, start one. Or two, or three.

4. Perhaps your resume and/or your skills need updating. Visit your local unemployment centre and see what programs and services are available.

5. While you're at it, check what else you might be eligible for. You may perhaps qualify for partial Welfare even though you work, because you have three children. You're probably entitled to food stamps and perhaps other things as well. The people wherever you would apply for government assistance can inform you, and also non-profit organisations helping the poor. Call your local church and Salvation Army for them to refer you to some resources.

6. FORGET ABOUT WOMEN RIGHT NOW.
a) Until you get a divorced, you're still a MARRIED MAN. Until you've freed yourself from your marriage, you have no future to offer to anyone. No decent woman will touch you with a barge pole. You want to subject your children to the non-decent kind?
b) You have nothing to attract them right now, not so much because you're broke and overweight, but because you're not taking care of yourself. You can't give anything when you have nothing for yourself. Start nurturing yourself. P.S.: Nurturing yourself is not the same thing as indulging.
c) You've been wounded and it's not yet healed. All you DO have to give to a woman right now is anger. A woman available for a relationship is not there to serve you as a scratching post. Would YOU want that from a woman who's in the same position as yourself, who's bitter and mad at the world and feeling sorry for herself? That's pretty much where you are right now. I'm not saying you don't have cause. But you have to heal first before you can be able to give to a new partner, and you have to be able to give, to have the right to take...
d) You also have children who are just as freaked out about the present situation as you are. You don't want this to get worse, so that their grades start slipping and/or they start getting into activities that are not in the best interest. You need to concentrate on your children and yourself. If they see you taking the bull by the horns and meeting challenges with courage, they'll be stronger and learn from your example.

And, last not not least:
Lucky 7: COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS. As difficult as your life is right now, it could me much worse:

a) You do have a job, even a shitty, badly paid, part-time one. Some people can't get even that.

b) You're not in a dirt-poor country here. You're in a place where there are resources available to help you put your life back together. That's what a social net is there for.

c) This is not the 19th century anymore when a 50 year old man was already old. And you're still young and healthy enough to have what it takes to pick up the pieces and rebuild your life. Imagine if that had happened to you when you were bedridden with a degenerative disease or battling cancer and unable to work?

d) There are people out there who are willing to help you. Proof of which - here we are, all of us, perfect strangers and yet taking time that could be used otherwise to give you advice, on the off-chance that you'll get to read it, as sometimes happens.

e) Your mother is still around, loving enough, AND in a position to be of great help. You could be all alone and forced to go on welfare because what little employment you can find is not enough to pay for day care - or forced to see your children be latch key kids and pray every day that nothing goes wrong.

f) You have three beautiful children whom the woman didn't abduct to a foreign country, never to be seen again. All of you can draw strength from each other, and develop the kind of special relationship you never would have had otherwise. You may be in the ditch right now, but nobody says you have to stay there forever. In the long run, this can turn into a blessing!

Now, get going and GOOD LUCK!

LW2-
There ARE some people who really are seething with contempt and rage right underneath a nicey-nice-nice-nice surface, and who only kept it in, for their entire lives, because they didn't want to suffer the social consequences. But, unless you're dealing with people who have decided that advanced age allows them to "let it all hang out", old age is NEVER the reason why people get "unusual and erratic" behaviour.

Crankiness due to frustration caused by chronic pain, medical problems, poverty and/or loss of independence is one thing, but I would hazard to say that a sudden change in temperament and behaviour always has a health cause - physical or mental or both.

Re: Penny

Thanks! You're right that the age of the children would figure into the process. My biggest concern is, as I alluded to in my post, the visitation between the fly by night ovum donor and the children. The parenting plan that I talked about can be extremely complex. In my state, the template alone is 14 pages and that's with NO answers at all! They also don't let you change the plan easily (it costs on average about $5000 to change the parenting plan: the courts do this so people don't change it everyweek) in my state, so the LW needs to concentrate the bulk of his time on making sure that parenting plan is solid.

Jo: I totally agree with you. My advice to the LW would be to not date during the divorce process anyways because it is like throwing yourself into a cesspool. Writing my marital history (not a pretty story) took me three days to write four pages of the hardest gut wrenching tear inducing verbiage I've ever written in my life. Now, I can write very fast, for me to take three days to write anything means it was TOUGH. You don't want to inflict your pain on other people, and tempting though it may be, it's not fair to dump on someone while you're hurting. You have to go this one alone: it will make you a stronger man and a better and wiser future partner when you are ready.

happymom: I couldn't agree with you MORE. Everyone here knows how proud I am of my daughter.(tearing up just typing that) . Through the interesting journey we have been on, me as a single parent, she as my daughter, we have ALWAYS stood up for each other and indeed learned to enjoy the process. If I could give the LW any advice (and I tell my business partner this all the time since he has 6 kids), it's that if I had more than one kid, I would make it a special point to spend one on one time with each child every week. I come from a large family, and I can count on one hand how often I was alone with my father as a child. Even with only ONE child, I set aside an afternoon each week to hang out with her (now we also use that time for the house meeting since she's in college).

The real loser in these types of situations are the people who ditch their kids. Excellent points.

@Janie
Let us know how you do and your weigh-in and good luck!

@Joyce and Maria - As I am going through a similar situation to LW1, I can assure you both at least in some states, it isn't a simple matter to divorce a spouse who won't sign documents. @Joyce - an "uncontested divorce" is when both parties sign all the legal documents associated with the divorce process and no one has any contentions regarding the stipulations outlined in the divorce decree. When a spouse does not sign, this is considered a contested divorce and becomes more complicated.

As Maria indicated, you can petition the courts for a default but this comes with very stringent procedures that must be followed within the specified order and timeframe in order for the courts to allow a divorce to be granted by default. In my state the process can take about a year of providing evidence that the spouse seeking the divorce has made several attempts to petition the non-compliant spouse using methods of contact approved by the court (having papers served through the courts, posting notices in widely circulated publications, etc.) If that person knows the law, they can manipulate this process to draw the time period out even longer as even one response in written form can restart the process or extend the proceedings. It is advisable to seek an attorney in a situation such as LW1 and the Annies were correct to tell him to seek assistance from law schools and non-profit legal services. They can provide the best guidance for little or no cost.

@Zoe -- I left you a message on yesterday's thread.

Sharnee, I am sorry. I was not aware that you were going through this also. Judging by what I think I know of you, strong, smart and caring, you and the kids will come through this with even stronger. Great points and good advice. I was assuming that the children were at least in their teens as the marriage was almost 20 years. Getting a jump start on the paperwork and the process overall gives him the momentum to go forward and tackle each problem as it arises. It will be a long drawnout process so best be prepared for all the pitfalls. I do still believe that getting started will give him the impetus to start the changing that he so desperately needs.

@ Zoe: "Man, some of y'all are so materialistic. I love when people donate in my name..." Wow - that's pretty judgmental and an unfair assessment of those posters who don't think or feel the same as you.
RE LW 1: As you start fixing your life, you will find that you feel more confident and that women are more drawn to you. Yes, it's partly the confidence, but a person who is active about fixing/handling their problems is much more attractive than one who sits and lets life happen. A person who attends to their problems gives the message that they are someone you can count on, even when times get tough. But sitting around says that you can't handle it.
You've had some pretty rough times, and you need time to recoup when life has knocked the stuffing out of you. It sounds like you are in a position to start rebuilding, so kudos to you and best of luck! And remember, things really do get better, it's just easier to see the light at the end of the tunnel as you move closer to it.

@BTL -- some really excellent advice being given out today by multiple posters. Go BTL!

@Chris -- your comments on 2 & 3 made me laugh. I had the same thought regarding LW3. I do a lot of volunteer work and fundraising for a charity, and just about anyone who has known me for more than five minutes knows, because I'm very proud of it (not that I'm proud of myself for doing good stuff -- I'm very proud of the program -- it's the one where I coach people to do marathon and triathlons while they raise money for the cause). I would actually be happy to "receive" a charitable donation in my name as a gift, and yet no one has ever donated to a charity in my name as a gift to me -- apparently, I'm pretty easy to shop for. Whenever I hear about someone doing this, it's almost always to teach the recipient something or, as you suggested, it's because the person is a PITA to shop for. That "teaching" can be a very positive thing, but if it's done as "teaching you a lesson," well, it's sort of a shame, but hooray for the charity!

@Stephanie -- although I would generally be happy to have someone make a donation in my honor, I agree that when a company does that for its employees, it's kind of crappy.

@Zoe -- laughed out loud when you talked about giving socks. For YEARS, if you ever asked my mom, "gee, what should I get So-and-So for her birthday/Christmas/whatever occasion," my mother would always say "socks and bubble bath." It was her go-to present idea for anyone and everyone -- any age, any gender. It has become a standing joke in the family, to the point where now, if any of us asks her what SHE wants for Christmas/birthday/whatever occasion, we always preface it with, "OTHER than socks and bubble bath, what would you like..." But laughing aside, I agree with what you had to say. A gift is a gift. Yes, in a perfect world, we'd all of us have great insight into the person we are buying for and could select the best, most meaningful, most wanted and/or needed thing. But then again, in a perfect world, we'd all just be grateful that a person even thought to give us a gift. I would only be unhappy with a gift that I knew was intended to be a slap in the face -- which makes sense, since it's the thought that counts, and if the thought was, "I'll show her..."

LW1: As happymom notes, YOU have the prize here. It doesn't feel like it, because you've been left to raise 3 kids on your own and it is a daunting responsibility. But it is also a huge reward, and so many dads who've been shut out of their kids' lives entirely by ex-wives would be the first to tell you this. You feel like your wife has somehow pulled on over on you -- but in reality, she's the big loser in this deal, even if it doesn't feel like it now.

These kids are your reason to keep going, and to take good care of yourself. You're what they've got, and if you keel over prematurely, their mom could take them away from YOUR mom and everything they've ever known. So treat yourself and your body with respect. Kids can be helpful in this respect -- you take 'em hiking in the woods, you run around after them, you play touch football or badminton or basketball, and you're exercising AND building good memories for them all at once. And you model the behavior you want for them -- you want them eating Twinkies or broccoli? Drinking beer/sugary soda or water?

DO check into getting child support. In many (most?) states, it doesn't matter whether you're formally divorced from the other parent, you're still expected to support the children. She doesn't get to skip out on this simply because she's the mom -- and even if she's not earning big bucks, every little bit helps. And get down in writing the parenting plan. Getting the formal divorce will be helpful; there are low-cost legal aid options out there -- check into them.

As others have said, you've got no business trying to date now! You've got enough to do to get yourself back on your feet. This isn't the 1700s, where desperate "spinsters" are lining up for the chance to marry a widower and mother his kids -- women are looking for partners who will enhance their life. Once you've got your legal status settled, your health taken care of, a job with a living wage and your kids' emotional needs met, THEN you open yourself to the possibility of dating. Once you're feeling better about yourself and your life, you will begin to attract more desirable partners, not those who are so desperate that they'll latch onto any male regardless of whether they like kids or even HIM.

Best of luck!

Re: kristen

I actually started with the word "selfish" but I thought materialistic was more accurate and not offensive. How else can you describe someone who would rather have real gifts or money, and complains when a charitable donation is made in their name?

It's not necessarily an insult, you know. I don't approve of that attitude now, but I also remember being a kid and wanting TOYS or money, so it's not like I'm unfamiliar with the desire for stuff.

Re: Lisa

Had I written that AFTER I tried on three pairs of socks before finding one pair without holes I might have used a different "go-to crappy gift" example!

Btw, I responded to your post on y-day's column.

To LW1:
Your wife is obligated to support the children. Mothers do not get a free ride anymore. Please see a lawyer and get the paperwork started to collect, it is for your children.

Re: sharnee

Your bitterness and frustration is totally understandable.

The things that REALLY needs to be hammered into the LW's head is that

1. Divorce laws vary from state to state, and indeed from county to county. (Which is why I was careful to note that in my post). The LW has indicated that money is an issue, which is why I suggested contacting the court 's family law advocates. Much cheaper than attorneys and they have been invaluable to me.

2.There are, as many posters have indicated, ways of getting child support taken care of before a formal divorce is even in the works. Yes, an attorney can help here. Yes, it can cost as much as you get from the child support itself. And yes, it's HARD to collect when one spouse is overseas. I know this FIRSTHAND. Without a formal divorce decree and even then, few countries will uphold child support agreements (or other financial sanctions for that matter) on someone who lives within their borders. It really depends on if the spouse living overseas is a citizen of that country. This is one reason why I worked so hard to file for divorce in Japan first. Here in the US, there are also many ways of skipping out on child support agreements (a totally different topic). My friend has a child (DNA testing confirmed) whose father is in another state, and because they never lived together here in the US, she can't do much as far as child support. It varies state to state, situation to situation. In the LW's case, it may be worth looking into, but not worth focusing on so much that it overwhelms the LW in legal fees or emotions.

3. If your lawyer is telling you that the process is "complicated" because one party refuses to sign, then I think you talk to another lawyer or the law advocates. I believe that every state has a way to handle these types of divorces. that's why you SERVE people and they have the time to respond. My gut is telling me you didn't either properfly serve the documents or your lawyer didn't explain the alternative to you. that's ok. You can go back and fix it.

the purpose of the posts here today is to educate people onto their options,. Every story I heard on my journey helped. I talked to EVERYONE, lawyers, people at the courthouse, my family law people... and it all HELPED.

And.. again. If the military is involved (too hard to tell from the LW's letter).... the story can totally change.

Re: Sharnee,
Sorry to hear that. I don't really know the "ins and outs" of all the details in the law, but I do remember a few years back a friend of mine couldn't get the husband to sign, and she was able to get divorced by default through that method. I'm sure it is more complicated than just stating it in a forum, but it's better than just arguing with her back and forth to sign the papers, as she'll keep just saying "no". He'd have better luck trying to get a default hearing. You are right, though, it would be best for him to seek an attorney through the avenues suggested. I remember in a movie I watched (I Am Sam), the attorney took Sam's case "pro bono" which means she took it for free... I'm not sure how easy this is in real life or if this even happens in real life, but the husband could look into this as well.

To Nanchan and Casey,
Thanks! You guys did great posts too!

In response to yesterday's "how do you know beer tastes like urine?":
Yeah, I meant beer tastes like how I imagine urine would taste. It's just the first thought which jumped in my head when I tried beer. Ewww. lol

Re: Sharnee,
Sorry to hear that. I don't really know the "ins and outs" of all the details in the law, but I do remember a few years back a friend of mine couldn't get the husband to sign, and she was able to get divorced by default through that method. I'm sure it is more complicated than just stating it in a forum, but it's better than just arguing with her back and forth to sign the papers, as she'll keep just saying "no". He'd have better luck trying to get a default hearing. You are right, though, it would be best for him to seek an attorney through the avenues suggested. I remember in a movie I watched (I Am Sam), the attorney took Sam's case "pro bono" which means she took it for free... I'm not sure how easy this is in real life or if this even happens in real life, but the husband could look into this as well.

To Nanchan and Casey,
Thanks! You guys did great posts too!

In response to yesterday's "how do you know beer tastes like urine?":
Yeah, I meant beer tastes like how I imagine urine would taste. It's just the first thought which jumped in my head when I tried beer. Ewww. lol

Apologies in advance...but I have to agree with the LW's donation 'gifts' attitude. They are LAZY, rude and self-serving. A gift is about a thought; a wish for the recipient: if you can't manage ONE thought other than 'I'll spend the time, thought, and money that I reserved for you on someone else'... just step up and admit you're an idiot and you don't G.A.D.. YOUR (after)thought of giving it to a charity, is just a legal alternative to burning it in my kitchen while I watch. I'd get more out of watching you fold it into something uncomfortable and inserting it 'where the sun don't shine'.
And BTW- what is with the whole 'marathon for charity' BS? Running is usually touted as a solo activity, one that eats a lot of time on a daily/weekly basis, especially in prep for the 'events'. But what the heck does running have to do with cancer? You want an excuse to run everyday, ACS wants money and publicity: let's put the two together!! You get to spend time running, they get your friends' money = You don't feel like your "Me time" is infringed upon AND you get to feel smug; like your selfishness is actually making a difference.
I get why it's popular, but take it somewhere else. Better yet- Take YOUR money and YOUR time, and put it into something that's actually helpful; get a part-time job and donate your salary, or take in a few foster animals, or make teddy bears for cancer kids...whatever! Just don't expect me to finance your 'Me time' with my money so you can feel generous. Jogger, please!

@Penny - Thanks so much for the kind words. The kids and I are doing just fine. I have been separated for a while now and while life as a single parent can be physically tiring as you know - but it is also pretty rewarding. Also, it sure beats the heck out of enduring the emotional drain of a really bad marriage.

@Nanchan - I am not sure where you got bitterness and frustration from my post. That certainly is not the case. Maybe a few years ago; but I am so over the drama at this point. My purpose for posting was to point out that a divorce where the spouse won't sign paperwork is not a simple matter. Sure, people CAN do it themselves; but depending on the laws in their states - some of which can be pretty convoluted; telling someone who may be ill-equipped to do the legwork - especially a depressed person like LW1 could be setting that person up for more failure. I agree that he can't sit stagnant; that won't help anyone. I was just pointing out that seeking the assistance of low-cost or free legal counsel would be more efficient and allow him to navigate a potentially complicated system with someone to lead him. When you did it yourself, you obviously were in a better emotional place or had a lot more inner strength than many people have. I would suspect based on the letter, that LW1 is not in your league in that regard.

@Maria - Precisely the point I was making. There are long waiting lists for free legal services; but they are available and I was simply stating that he should explore that option. Agreed with your point that he should pursue a divorce - just not so sure flying solo is a good idea.

@Nanchan - PS - to your point that laws are widely varied - that is true. In my state, getting child support is fairly easy and pretty cheap and is a totally separate process independant of a divorce. You pay a nominal filing fee, provide the state with as much information as you have about the indigent parent, and the state does the rest. If you are a recipient of some social services benefits even the small filing fee - around $30 is waived. In addition, filing for child support can be done at any point for unmarried parents and immediately from the day a married couple separates. Also, my state has no such requirements for a parenting plan. The law is simply that parents must agree for arrangements for children - those stipulations are really up to the parent and they need to outline how they will handle disagreements. If these basic requirements are met then the state pretty much rubber stamps the divorce. If they are not, then the state will intervene and stipulate the amount of child support based on their guidelines and allow the custodial parent all decision making responsibilities.

@RoseGildedCat, I don't know why you have such a negative attitude about this practice, but I think it's not the best idea to assume such awful things about people who do this. Making a charitable donation can be quite a thoughtful gift. Many people, rather than continue the crass consumerism of holidays like Christmas, find renewed spiritual and personal meaning in giving AND "receiving" such gifts. It's a way of recognizing that many people are worse off than we are. Of remembering a time in life where we needed help, and now it's our turn to "pay it forward".

Also, in larger families or groups of friends, especially where income levels can be variable, the idea of shopping for clothes or knicknacks that won't actually be all that appreciated can take a lot of the spirit out of a celebration. Or -- in my mother's case -- in her downsized home already crowded with "stuff" the very *last* thing she wants is a present that is a physical object.

Creatively finding a charity that does work that I support and that my mother (for example) will also appreciate isn't lazy, rude, or self-serving. A few mother's day's ago her present was a bouquet of flowers, a lunch out, and a card recognizing a donation to a local women's shelter -- to help out mothers who were less fortunate than she.

If you're going to tell me that was "lazy, rude, or self-serving", than I think my mother will want to have a few choice words of disagreement with you...

Re: RoseGildedCat

lol i no rite! i mean why don't they give us the stuff they KNOW we want and that we deserve for existing rite!! like its not THEIR money its ours cuz it's our bday or whatevs. everyone in my fam owes me at least $500 a year straight up for bdays and xmas. better not spend that on someone else or something i didnt straight up tell them I wanted!!!1


Hey, you're that 15 year old girl who threatened Santa with death if she didn't get the exact gifts she wants (ipod etc), right? I'd recognize you anywhere. Please accept this bounty of imac, ipod, new converse sneakers, beats headphones, and new car. Wait, you wanted the hightops? Oh gosh, I'm so sorry, please don't kill m--- gurrrgle... avenge me... by giving... to charity...

Re: Mike H

That WAS lazy. Just because she doesn't have space doesn't mean she wouldn't appreciate CASH. Get out the chequebook for crying out loud. Better not be one of those "save the rainforest" cheques though because the extra twenty cents you spent on that cheque could be included in the gift amount.

@ Zoe

Did I mention that you're the greatest thing ever!!!! :-) I'm glad you post here!

re: LW1

Tonight my daughter came home from college (that she is paying for) after taking her first college exam. She aced it!

These are the moments, LW1, that you too will see, if you are readign BTL. Some of mine have been watching her go to her first dance and hearing her tell me how she taught her junior high school class to do the time warp, hearing her sing in the choir in Latin, watching her win the national choir awards (3 years), coming home several nights after work to dinner being made "because I know you had a bad day, Mom and you need mac and cheese", talking to the local librarian who knows her so well that she saves books for her.... all of those things, my husband has missed. I got them. So I won. And you have already too, although you don't know it.

Hang in there, it gets easier. And it is ALL WORTH IT.

@RoseGildedCat -- Just want to set the record straight on running a marathon "for charity." The people I coach don't just go run the marathon and say, "I dedicate that time and effort to charity." While they are training for the event, they try to raise money for the charity, and they use the "I'm running a marathon" as the hook. They tell friends, family, co-workers, the dentist, etc., "hey, I'm running this marathon, and I'm trying to raise money for XYZ charity -- any chance you can help me out by donating a few bucks?" With a little luck, the friends/family/coworkers, etc. are inspired by what the person is doing and agree to make a donation. Some of them come through with a donation right on the spot. Others offer to donate a dollar a mile or something like that (which, if the person runs the full 26.2 miles results in a $26 donation for the charity). Obviously, not everyone the person approaches is going to give them money, but if even just 10 people agree to donate $1 per mile, that's $260 for the charity. Most of the people I coach end up raising at least $2,000 for the charity. And most of the teams I coach have at least 10 people on the team, so the team typically ends up raising a good $20,000 for the charity.

And by the way, the money goes to the charity, not the person trying to raise money. So, for example, if I've asked my boss for a donation, he can write a check that is made out to the charity, not to me. Similarly, there's a way to make the donation by credit card, and the money goes to the charity, not to me.

Re: Lisa
Thanks for explaining that. I for one always wondered how running a marathon managed to raise money for anything, and I've been wondering for years how it worked. Now I know - and it would seem that the marathoners do a lot more work than just the running.

@ Lisa, actually, I've participated; and while I'm pleased you're actually conversant (never miss a teaching moment, been there- have the t-shirts) I was already aware of how they worked. And, as you said, the running is just the hook. A way to 'give people a chance to discuss what they're already doing', running, and to ask others to finance it. Got it. The ORG would prefer to get my friends to ask me for money as opposed to doing it themselves, since it's likely to be more effective. They would also prefer to have me ask my friends for donations, as opposed to doing so. I'm not unaware of the tactic. I simply resent the manipulation, good cause or not. Furthermore, since the actual cost of hosting some charitable events is actually greater than the actual on hand donation count, they call it 'raising awareness', and plug that to interested parties, instead. I just find it disingenuous. I try not to state the obvious to people I know, in light of the fact that "anyone, doing anything, is usually preferable to doing nothing", but this seemed a safe place to vent on the ridiculousness of it. I'm just waiting for the Porn-a-thons. (hope that makes it past the filter) really what could be better than something we all do, and more people want a chance to talk about. Imagine the publicity.
As for the rest of this exercise in creative writing: Some of you seem to have enjoyed yourself nearly as much as I did! Glad you enjoyed it, too. For the more serious:
I neither need (nor desire) an education, or public reminder of my obligations and responsibility to help those less fortunate than myself: I do it every day. I don't need the reminder. I also get that some people, in the opinion of others, do need that reminder. I don't, so it'd be an actual insult. I was not speaking to any experience, other than my own; made obvious by my rather personal observation of the options. FTR, those that know me, GAD about me, and feel motivated enough to want to give me a gift; know exactly what I like/need - that they were thinking of me. To the rest: I didn't ask you for a gift, now you're put out that you've somehow socially obligated yourself into feeling you must do something you cannot, or do not want to do, so you're going to opt out in this socially agreed on manner. My position is : Whatever- keep it, burn it, stuff it. Obligation discharged and noted.