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Jumping the Relationship Gun
Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Favorite Grandchildren
Dear Annie: How do you deal with ignorant relatives? My wife and I have two teenagers and three children under the age of 12. We live an hour away from family and see them during holidays, birthdays, cookouts and such. I am close to both of my parents and speak to them daily. I believe they should have a good relationship with my kids. We also have nieces and nephews who live an hour away across state lines.
I recently found out that my parents have bought these nieces and nephews cellphones (to keep in touch) and special notebooks for them to write back and forth, and they also send them little gifts. Once a month, they are invited to spend the night at my parents' house, while my kids have spent two nights there in four years. When I see my parents, they talk about how they never see my nieces and nephews, but I get to hear all about the stuff they do and their daily email chats.
I don't understand how my parents can be so blind. They do nothing with my children. There is no bad blood between us. We are close. All I know is that I am sick of seeing my children hurt and tired of answering questions about why Grandpa and Grandma don't call or let them stay over like they do with their cousins. How do I make this better? — Vermont
Dear Vermont: Grandparents sometimes don't realize they are playing favorites, and there are a variety of reasons behind it. Often, they feel they must overcompensate for those kids who need them more. In your parents' case, it's possible that they know you will always keep your children close, but they aren't so sure about the nieces and nephews, so they work harder at it. You need to tell your parents how you feel, and let them know that they are inadvertently damaging their relationship with your children. We hope they will recalibrate their energies to be more even-handed.
Dear Annie: I am 15 and very overweight. I've been this way since I was little. I've tried losing weight, but can never seem to keep it off for long.
What bothers me most is the intolerance at school. I hear the fat jokes and the whispers. I'd love to have a boyfriend, but the guys in my class only like the skinny girls. This has destroyed what little self-confidence I had.
I don't understand why people can't accept all body types. Nowadays you have to be thin to be considered pretty. I want to feel pretty, too, and know that people can like me as I am. Why can't these attitudes be changed? — Confused in Connecticut
Dear Confused: That's an excellent question. Attitudes like these are culturally entrenched and reinforced by media images. Fat jokes and nasty whispers are a form of bullying and should be reported to the school authorities. But instead of focusing on romance, simply work on being a good friend. Friends will see you through the rough spots.
But we also are worried about you. Extra weight can cause all kinds of physical problems. Please talk to your parents and have them make an appointment for you to see your doctor and a nutritionist. Get some exercise. Work on being healthy, regardless of your size.
Dear Annie: This is in response to "Noisy Dog Next Door." I don't disagree with your suggestions to call the neighborhood association and the humane society, but a quieter solution is available, too. There are battery-operated devices that emit a high-pitched sound that is uncomfortable to the dog. (Humans cannot hear it.) We used this for our neighbor's dog. When he barked, we'd push the button and say, "No, Fido!" It worked like a charm. Now we only have to step out the back door for the dog to stop barking. — It's Quiet Again
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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40 Comments | Post Comment
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LW3: best suggestion we've heard yet on this. Thanks for sharing!
Comment: #1
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:12 PM
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LW1-
"How do I make this better?"
1. You don't. Because you can't control other people's behaviour, shortsightedness, LACK OF LOVE.
2. You do. By loving your children and using this as a teaching moment, and telling them that the way other people "love" doesn't necessarily have anything to do with them. Yes, there are consequences to people acting badly, and you may lose someone's love over something you did, but if you did nothing wrong, then the lack is in the other. Things like that happen, Life Lesson #whatever.
3. Both #1 and #2 are concurrent. The yin and the yan, you know.
This being stated, you say you're close to them? How about asking THEM point blank about their blatant favouritism? They might not be aware of it, or there might be a reason you never would have thought of.
LW2-
You can't change people's attitudes, and the only one you can change is you:
1. "I've tried losing weight, but can never seem to keep it off for long."
At your age, whatever you've tried may have been inefficient because you don't know better. Don't feel bad - nobody is born knowing this. Have you Goggled "weight loss" and investigated the million+ results? Do. There might be something in there you haven't tried. And weight loss recipes are not a one-size-fits-all, there might be the one way out there that works for you. You're young, try them all.
At the same time, ask you parents to schedule a doctor's appointment for a complete physical. Explain the situation, try to find out if there isn't a genetic/medical component that needs to be addressed.
2. The insensitive assholes at school.
Queen Latifah is VERY buxom. Plenty of people seem to think she's hot as a volcano. And I know PLENTY of guys who like women chubby, well-wrapped, BIG. I don't give a damn if the fashion industry is touting skeletal women because designers invent fashions that only look good on a hanger, and so models have to look like a hanger - as in, skinny as a rail. In real life, all GROSSLY overweight women I personally know AND the perfect strangers I see in my burough's sidewalks have husbands and children in tow. So obviously SOME men like their women fleshy.
You know what? Treat yourself to a makeover. Find out how to put on different make-up, change your hair-do, refresh your wardrobe. It doesn't have to be expensive, since you're not likely, at your age, to have a lot of money. Goggle stuff on the Net. Check out big department stores in your area in case they have "special free make-up days" at the cosmetic department. Even if they don't, you may be able to get plenty of precious, free help from the attendant salesperson. Buy a few hair magazines and check out the styles. Check with your local hair salon with attendant stylists, about what you can do to update yourself. Visit thrift shops for "new to you" clothing. Enlist the help of true friends, as to what could/does look good on you. When you look like a million bucks, and YOU CAN, regardless of your size, you will attract positive attention and you can tell the bullies to go piss up a rope.
Oh yeah, and BTW... this idea of women needing to be skinny as a rail is an occidental thing. Men from other cultures have different tastes, so don't be a racist. So the ethnocentric idiots in your school like girls who look like hangers. Okay. You're still too young to put yourself on the Internet dating scene - but that's temporary. Bide your time. Your day WILL come. Just get yourself looking like a million bucks, and then you can afford to wait - honey: just because you may have to wait doesn't mean you're not attractive. Lots of women have difficulty finding and, believe me, size is not the only issue.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Jan 13, 2012 10:46 PM
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LW2- I can relate to you. As a young girl I was brainwashed to believe that I had to be thin to be beautiful, by 12 I was Bulimic and was 30% underweight, doctors were stunned I was even alive. By 14 I had gotten help but became overweight with food being pushed on me. Honestly, I thought I was more beautiful as a bigger girl. I found the love of my life and we are having our third child. And yes, I am still a shapely and Curvaious woman who's husband says is beautiful every day.
What I am pointing out is that you have to realize your own worth. Nobody's elses opinion matters. I'd even bet there are some boys in school who are into you but don't know how to approach you. My husband was overweight in highschool and insisted to me that none of the girls in his school were into him. I found out later that many of the girls had crushes on him but because his opinion of his own image was so deeply entrenched he didn't see it (Secretly I'm glad cause now he's mine :P You may have that gratefulness soemday too).
Just remember that you're still young, and you are beautiful no matter your weight.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Yoshi Mama
Fri Jan 13, 2012 11:02 PM
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Re: Yoshi Mama
Ah, another wonderfully valid point in addition to mine - I love you.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 14, 2012 12:44 AM
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LW1. Sit your parents down and have a long talk. Tell them how your children feel and that playing favorites is driving a wedge between the family. My maternal grandfather played favorites and my brothers and I lost out. However, the real loser was him.
As we and the cousins got older, we were not close and barely spoke at family gatherings. When our grandfather had times of need, the ones who received his money and gifts abandoned him and my brothers and I felt like 'why should we do anything to help him? He never liked us.'
Your children are hurting and it is your responsibility to say something. My mother defended us to him at every chance and we hold her in very high esteem for defending our feelings.
Go to your parents, defend your children's feelings, and if you parents don't change, they can accept the consequences.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Beffy
Sat Jan 14, 2012 5:38 AM
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LW1 - Something that you may not have considered: Your family is very large--5 kids. Your parents may feel like they have to ask all 5 kids to stay with them, which can be very overwhelming. Suggest to your parents that a couple of kids (pairs that seem to get along the best) stay at a time and rotate visitation around. If they decline, then obviously there is more going on. Is it possible that your kids are not as well behaved at their cousins? If you can't see that objectively, ask. Parents can be blind when it comes to their children's behaviors because they are used to handling them and overlook a lot of things--especially when there is a big brood and you 'pick your battles.' Do they show appreciation for Christmas and birthday gifts I presume they still get from their grandparents? If not, maybe that is why they aren't showered with the smaller gifts.
If after answering these questions, you are still coming up blank, then yeah, respectfully ask your parents why the disparity. If no reasonable explanation is forthcoming, then Lise gave some good advice above. Follow it.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Curl
Sat Jan 14, 2012 5:41 AM
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LW1: Given what you've described, I am not seeing "favoritism". I am seeing grandparents who already feel close to your kids. After all, YOU talk with your parents daily and keep them well enough informed on your kids' doings that when the holidays, birthdays (and with your family's 7 birthdays and their birthdays, that makes 9) and cookouts occur, they feel plugged in, and can ask: Was that exam as bad as you thought it was going to be? Did you have fun at the sleepover last weekend? Did you decide whether you want to join Scouts? Is your best friend still acting so strangely?
And I see grandparents who are sad to realize that, unless THEY make it happen, they will never have that kind of relationship with your nieces and nephews, who live an hour away.Your parents bought them cell phonesand do email chats because whatever else they've tried ("How about if we come up next weekend and take you all to dinner?" "Is this Tommy's soccer tournament weekend? What time does he play?" and calls to the family landline proved unsatisfying in maintaining the relationship. It's a desperation measure, as are the sleepovers . Your sib and spouse aren't bringing the kids to spend much time with your parents -- so your parents make it worth the two-hour drive for them to do so.
My guess is your sib's kids might say YOUR kids are favored because the grandparents are always over at your house -- and it's possible that your sib is sick to death of hearing the accomplishments of YOUR kids from them.
Talk to your parents if this is eating you, but PLEASE do so with an open mind and willing to hear what they say -- don't go in mounted on a white charger, flags flying, to defend your children against their "blatant favoritism." Instead, tell your parents that your kids have noticed the frequent sleepovers, the cell phones, the remarks and have repeatedly asked YOU about them. Which should alert them to the fact that what they're trying to do is being perceived in a way they didn't intend, both by your kids and by you, and give them a chance to right things.
Comment: #7
Posted by: hedgehog
Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:10 AM
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To paraphrase LW1: 'I am very close to my parents, so close we talk every day. We are really close. After 14 years of being a parent, I recently realized I don't like their relationship with my kids. But we are very close, so close that during our daily phone calls, I never ask them why they don't do more or something different with my kids, or invite them to do something new with my kids. I decided to write to an advice columnist and anonymously call them names. Is there something else I should do so that my kids will stop bugging me?' I suggest to LW1 he should talk to his parents, tell them he feels sad about these apparent differences, and find out their reasons for the different treatment. He will have to give them room to say something negative either about him or his kids. He should also use this as a teachable moment for his kids, that while their grandparents love them, that love is not always going to translate to getting the same things as their cousins. Don't expect the grandparents to do all the work. If the LW wants his parents to spend special time with his kids, then instead of waiting for the grandparents to suggest it, he and the kids should think of things and invite the grandparents to do them. If his kids want to email their grandparents or talk to them on the phone, then they should do it first and see what happens.
Comment: #8
Posted by: kai archie
Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:10 AM
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children." People fail to understand that when it comes to grandparents and grandchildren, it's not a simple matter of accounting. For example, just because your parent's invited grandchild X over for an overnight, doesn't mean they're obligated to do exactly the same for grandchildren Y and Z. So your parents spoil one set of grandparents seemingly at the expense of another. There could be myriad reasons for this that you aren't privy. For example, maybe your kids tend to run around wild and wear out grandma and grandpa while the cousins are well-mannered and easier to manage. Maybe your children failed to send thank-you cards or acted ungrateful for prior gifts or maybe you declined an invitation for an overnight early on which set a precedence. The real problem as I see it is that you're dwelling on this disparity and your children have picked up that there's a "problem." That's why they're hurt. Accept that you cannot change your parents' behavior, only how you respond to it. My advice is to be proactive. Invite your parents to come to your home; invite them out on family outings; encourage your children to write to their grandparents frequently (you don't need special notebooks to correspond - ordinary stationary or e-mail works just fine).
LW2--"I don't understand why people can't accept all body types. Nowadays you have to be thin to be considered pretty." Studies indicate that people have an innate attraction to what they consider "rare", or "superior." It's a latent primal urge to mate with a person with superior genes so that the offspring has the best chance of success. It's also an evolutionary urge to want to incorporate new traits that may yield an advantage over the status quo. In olden times, heavier women were considered the ultimate prize because they were perceived as wealthy, healthy and able to thrive in very hard times. The desire to incorporate new traits is why Europeans were tended to be attracted to the dark and exotic looking Native Americans that populated the New World. As the centuries went on and times changed, so too has the culture shifted. Now, physical perfection is considered the most attractive quality because innately, people believe conventionally beautiful people are happier and more successful. As more and more people start to look the same (let's face it, skinny blonds are a dime a dozen nowadays) people begin to look for differentiating traits. In short, it's important for you to realize that it's not ideal to be like everybody else. I'm sure you have unique talents and a sparkling personality that will set some lucky guy's heart a pitter patter the minute you enter his world. It'll happen. Be true to yourself.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Chris
Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:24 AM
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Another thought - I wonder if everything was fine with LW1 until his teenagers discovered that their cousins had gotten cell phones from their grandparents. Teenagers who smell the possibility of their own cell phone can be very determined , persistent and annoying. Now they're nagging the parents about the grandparents giving the other grandkids a cell phone & why can't they have one, too? I can't imagine that teenagers are suddenly up in arms about not spending their weekends at sleepovers with the grandparents.
Comment: #10
Posted by: kai archie
Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:29 AM
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To Confused in Connecticut - Befriend an overweight boy. He probably feels the same way you do. The two of you can work on losing weight together.
Comment: #11
Posted by: cindymmoore
Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:51 AM
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LW3: We have one of those for our dogs that looks like a little bird house. They cost about $40, but are well worth it. We have all kinds of stray/feral cats and dogs running loose in our town and our dogs seem to think they need to bark at the them. The barkhouse, as we call it, works great.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Carol
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:10 AM
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Lots of good points for LW1 but the bottom line is - if you're so close to your parents, why don't you ask them yourself? Always strikes me as very weird that people write to an advice columnist as if they were mind readers - "Why do they do this?" "Why can't they see....?" etc. I also have to wonder how his children found out about the cell phones and the sleepovers - if he didn't tell them himself to get them upset so that he could complain about how upset his children are. And it's the "ignorant" grandparents' fault.
I feel for LW2 and at the same time would point her back to her own statements. She can excuse her own inability to keep the weight off, but she wants everyone else to change how they think to accommodate her. "Why can't these attitudes be changed?" Chris gave a very good run-down on how weight is perceived, but the way she framed her question is even more interesting. Using the passive voice to describe changing attitudes assumes someone else should come in and change them for her. Maybe that "someone" can also come in and help us all keep the weight off. And I really wish people would stop encouraging children to see every slight or remark they don't like as "bullying." Like a two-year-old, society has learned a new word ("abuse" is the other one) and likes to use them
on every possible occasion. Not only does that encourage people to think of themselves as helpless and fragile, it degrades the seriousness of real bullying and abuse.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Maggie Lawrence
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:36 AM
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LW2: I understand what it's like to be overweight in school. I even had a gym teacher tell me to come up and try to do a particular exercise in front of the class so the class would "see how it should NOT be done". It' was excruciatingly painful.
I eventually did lose weight pretty naturally over the course of a few years as I became more active. The reality is that most people are not attracted to someone who is obese, and the only person you can change is yourself. Accept the fact that you will not lose weight overnight, and try to find activities that you enjoy that burn some calories and keep you away from food.
Comment: #14
Posted by: dave
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:51 AM
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LW2 says that she is very overweight. Not pudgy, but very overweight. Anyone here see a problem? This is no longer about how she looks. Tell me what is so good about high blood pressure, inflammation, juvenile diabetes, heart disease and painful joints?? The Annies state that she doesn't know any better, but I don't buy it. With the tragedy TV out there, she would have to be deaf and blind not to know what is healthy or not. All she has to do is look in her refrigerator and pantry to what is aiding this lifestyle. She and her family need to march into a nutritionist's office pronto. Her family is doing this poor child no favors whatsoever. It has been proven, time and again, that thinner people get better jobs, are promoted faster, and for crying out loud, live longer. As for not getting boy's attention, it is wrong to be angry at somebody else because they don't find her alluring. It is not their problem, or their civic duty to be attracted to her. It's a brutal, honest truth, but the faster she processes this and loses some weight, the faster she will be happy.
Comment: #15
Posted by: happymom
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:59 AM
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LW1 - Capt. Obvious here: "We're close"....uh..no you're not. If you were you'd be telling this to your parents and not the Annies. Talk to your parents.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Rick
Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:23 AM
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LW1 - Hey Cpt. Obvious again - Here's another thought. Maybe your kids come across all weak and whiny like you and your parents really just don't enjoy them. Okay. Got to go and point things out to other "victims" now.
Comment: #17
Posted by: Rick
Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:26 AM
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Re: happymom
Excellent post (15). I was watching a show the other day about the 1970s and what hit me was how thin everybody was compared to current day television crowd shots. In the last twenty years or so it has become more socially acceptable to be overweight (nothing wrong with that), but the flip side of that tolerance is that people have balooned up in weight. I'm not making a judgement call here, take a look at the statistics. We discussed this a few days ago. Diabetes, which was a disease a generation ago pretty much limited to people who had a genetic disposition towards the disease is now RAMPANT (as well as curable) because of obesity.
The LW (2) needs to stop looking at her weight as an asthetic barrier between the cute boys and her, and start thinking of her weight as a potential KILLER. If we could all do that... I wonder at how different our lives could be.
Comment: #18
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:36 AM
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I am an aquaintance with a large woman who must believe she is the sexiest, best looking woman on the planet. She enters a room with a presence that knocks the socks off EVERY man in the place. Everyone including the women are awstruck by her beauty and sex appeal. So I guess she is right. Self assurance is the key here, she knows she is hot and the rest of us do too. I don't know if this is a learned skill or just her personality but she ought to bottle it or write a book then she could be rich and the hottest thing on two legs. Heads up LW2, back straight and saunter into the room or look for that big babe and study her moves. The world is your oyster
Comment: #19
Posted by: Penny
Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:55 AM
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Re: nanchan
Thanks, nanchan. When I see obese children, it makes me sick, knowing that their parents are basically sentencing them to a life of hell. I have a cousin who is 10 years old and looks like she is 10 months pregnant, and her mother is a NURSE. A NURSE. Diabetes kills in SO many ways. I only hope that my cousin's parents have working kidneys that are a good match for this kid, because she may need them in the future when they shut down.
Comment: #20
Posted by: happymom
Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:58 AM
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Re: happymom
I've been reading all the comments on LW2 and have this to add. DO NOT WORRY ABOUT LOSING WEIGHT. Worry instead about BEING HEALTHY. Eat healthy, excercise, be active and stay that way. If you lose weight, GREAT! If not, the real thing that matters is that you are HEALTHY. Yes, the extra weight can cause health problems, but the healthier you are, the less likely the possible health problems like diabetes and heart disease will strike. If more people would put emphasis on BEING HEALTHY rather than size (fat OR thin), there would be a lot less people with self esteem issues. I'm just sayin'.
Comment: #21
Posted by: p
Sat Jan 14, 2012 8:59 AM
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LW2 - There are some confident, talented, and yes, sexy big women out there. Look for them. Study them and start being that kind of woman. Trust me, there are men, women, boys and girls out here that love them. And, nothing, nothing, nothing is more aluring than a strong, confident and proud woman. Queen Latifa. Oprah. Meliss McCarthy, Kathie Bates, Mae West..... there's lots of them.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Rick
Sat Jan 14, 2012 9:32 AM
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lw2- The Annies gave good advice on this one. Instead of focusing on romance or pleasing these people, focus on yourself and find friends who will love you for who you are right now. These people are not teasing you because of you or your weight, they are doing it because they are cruel bullies. They are doing you a favor by showing their true colors cause these are not the type of people you would want to be friends with or date. The others are right there are some men out there who will date you for who you are.
This truly has nothing to do with your weight, cause if you were skinny, these same people would find something else to bully you over. In high school, I was teased for being "too skinny." The ones who did not mind my thin frame would tease me for something else. I remember one guy refused to date me because I was "too white," meaning I did not have a tan like all the other sun goddesses of the day. One person nicknamed me "rabbit teeth" which is a title that followed me well after braces fixed my teeth. It will always be something, so do not "fix" yourself for these people because there is nothing wrong with you. If you want to lose weight FOR YOURSELF, then do it, but only if it is what you want.
It reminds me of the song Cumbersome by Seven Mary Three. "Too heavy, too light, too black or too white/
Too wrong or too right." It is true, because for some people there is always something wrong. If you are not "perfect" then they do not want you. Do not waste your time with these people. Your character and personality are your best "looks" and while these people will be lacking in personality come a few years, you will have one guys will fall for if you can learn to love yourself and other for who they are. Remember this.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Maria
Sat Jan 14, 2012 11:01 AM
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LW1: My daughter's MIL blatanly favored one cousin over the others because she felt he got the short end of attention at home. Those cousins spent a lot more time with her because their mom worked and their dad was gone a lot on business. Those cousins' mom now realizes that the care they got at grandma's wasn't necessarily the best, and my grandkids, now older teens, don't want to go there much.
My own kids used to spend time at my MIL's, and behaved so well that Grandma bragged on their to my SIL's, which was a problem of its own (they lived closer and Grandma saw them with their everyday manners not their company manners.) Then my kids would come home and be crabby for several days compensating for the effort of being really good.
Sometimes the grandparents get rebuffed by the kids, sometimes the kids get rebuffed by the grandparents. Sometimes the grandparents really do want to do the right thing, and sometimes they have their own reasoning. In the long run, kids do better with the truth, whatever it is and however uncomfortable.
LW2: Having been both chubby and skinny as a teen, and fat and skinny, fat, and now "normal sized", as an adult,
I know what some of the struggles are. (BTW, I've had more health issues after losing the main chunk of weight than I did in the fat days.) In my case, eating smaller amounts and walking 2 miles each way to work got me way down in size. Some people, however, can eat small amounts but their body is determined to keep them big. I have cousin just my age, and growing up she was about twice my size--despite nagging, etc., etc. She married a man from a culture that values big women. My current main male friend was actually more attentive before I lost my last 30 pounds, and never has said a word about my appearance. Statistically, a stable higher weight is healthier than yo-yo skinny--
Yes, it is fun to get into smaller sizes and raid my daughters' closets, but I had to do it myself--if anything, the nagging and obsession with weight and food I got from other people made it worse.
Comment: #24
Posted by: partsmom
Sat Jan 14, 2012 11:52 AM
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LW1: My daughter's MIL blatanly favored one cousin over the others because she felt he got the short end of attention at home. Those cousins spent a lot more time with her because their mom worked and their dad was gone a lot on business. Those cousins' mom now realizes that the care they got at grandma's wasn't necessarily the best, and my grandkids, now older teens, don't want to go there much.
My own kids used to spend time at my MIL's, and behaved so well that Grandma bragged on their to my SIL's, which was a problem of its own (they lived closer and Grandma saw them with their everyday manners not their company manners.) Then my kids would come home and be crabby for several days compensating for the effort of being really good.
Sometimes the grandparents get rebuffed by the kids, sometimes the kids get rebuffed by the grandparents. Sometimes the grandparents really do want to do the right thing, and sometimes they have their own reasoning. In the long run, kids do better with the truth, whatever it is and however uncomfortable.
LW2: Having been both chubby and skinny as a teen, and fat and skinny, fat, and now "normal sized", as an adult,
I know what some of the struggles are. (BTW, I've had more health issues after losing the main chunk of weight than I did in the fat days.) In my case, eating smaller amounts and walking 2 miles each way to work got me way down in size. Some people, however, can eat small amounts but their body is determined to keep them big. I have cousin just my age, and growing up she was about twice my size--despite nagging, etc., etc. She married a man from a culture that values big women. My current main male friend was actually more attentive before I lost my last 30 pounds, and never has said a word about my appearance. Statistically, a stable higher weight is healthier than yo-yo skinny--
Yes, it is fun to get into smaller sizes and raid my daughters' closets, but I had to do it myself--if anything, the nagging and obsession with weight and food I got from other people made it worse.
Comment: #25
Posted by: partsmom
Sat Jan 14, 2012 11:52 AM
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Re: Happymom
You are right it is about what is healthy and not healthy where weight is concerned, but... one has to wonder if she is truly overweight or just pudgy. Remember this is a 15 year old girl writing. She could be stating she is very overweight because she SEES herself as very overweight, but in reality she is just a little on the pudgy side. Teenage girls are especially prone to viewing everything cosmetic in an extreme light, and they will call themselves fat even when they are not.
I see it all the time. Young girls who are only slightly pudgy talking about how "overweight" they are while grabbing their bellies and thighs, while I am thinking, "Overweight? You're small." My cousin-in-law who is 16 and skinny- about 125 lbs at 5'6"- is constantly going on about how fat she is and how her diet is not working. I tell her all the time she is not fat, but then she tells me her belly scrunches up into rolls when she sits down. I finally showed her one day how my belly does the same thing and she stopped being so obsessed afterwards.
My point is, most teen girls already view themselves on the fat side, so it is not a stretch to think a girl who considers herself "very overweight" may in fact only be a little on the pudgy side. Though you could be right in believing she is correct in her analysis, but just saying she may not be.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Maria
Sat Jan 14, 2012 12:02 PM
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LW1: I understand why you're upset and I agree it's not fair but you're doing your kids a disservice. Life is not fair. People are crappy. It's not your experiences in life that define you - it's your reaction to them that does. Teaching your kids how to handle bad experiences in a positive way is important. Get to work.
LW2: So, instead of losing weight and becoming a healthy teenager you think other people should change the way they think so you can be happy? Not a good plan. I guarantee failure. Stop expecting people to change so you can be happy. You're a teenager so you should be focusing on exercising - once you get in the habit of working out then you can slowly change your eating habits. You can do this all in the privacy of your own home until your comfortable enough to move it to a health club or outside. You're also depressed - I suggest therapy and anti-depressants. You need a proper support system to get you moving in the right direction.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Diana
Sat Jan 14, 2012 1:10 PM
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Re Diana, LW 2: In a day and age when Cindy Crawford and Christina Brinkley would be considered PLUS sized models, the LW has a perfectly valid point. The images the media innudates people with of what a woman should look like are not realistic or, arguably, healthy.
By the way, I'm currious, what doctoral degree do you have that allows you to recommend mind altering substances to a teenager?
Comment: #28
Posted by: Shannon
Sat Jan 14, 2012 3:37 PM
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To LW1, I have a good idea. The next time it comes up say, "tell ya what, lets go visit/call grandma and grandpa and you can ask them yourselves. That way it puts those g-parents right on the spot and they have to look the child in the eyes and explain it themselves. It shouldn't take but one or two times to get the point across.
LW2 You're 15 so don't focus too much on your dating appeal. Are you a healthy weight? Do you come from a husky family? What kind of eating habits do you have? These are the questions you should be asking yourself. If any of this needs work, start there. Go walking, use the gym at school (most have weight rooms as well). If you are not built thin don't sweat it. The vast majority of us women are built NORMAL and we don't fit the image either. The media has all the young girls believing that if they have one drop of fat anywhere on them that they are ugly and that is just unforgiveable. And if you are getting fat jokes and jibes about your physical appearance just remember, high school is only 4 years out of a long life. Don't let some bullying buttheads ruin it for you. If you can learn to love yourself you have all those morons beat already. And if you feel you need to work on yourself? Do it safely and in a healthy way. I am speaking from experience here and can understand how you feel.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Cathy ARmacost
Sat Jan 14, 2012 5:03 PM
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To LW2 - several comments:
1) I agree with you that there is prejudice and discrimination against fat people. I was fat for several years, and I experienced some of what you're talking about.
2) The Annies' advice about getting in good shape, regardless of your weight, is good.
3) You say you've tried to lose weight but didn't succeed. Believe me, I can sympathize. I tried several times myself and just made myself sick, before finding a diet that worked for weight loss. The answer may be that the diet you tried following was not the right one for you. If losing weight in a healthy way is your goal, and the standard "just cut calories and fats" advice didn't work for you, don't give up. I would recommend checking out the Zone diet for starters, or even the Atkins diet. Learn about lower carb eating. For many people it works far better than low calorie eating, for weight loss. I found that I could lose weight while eating lots of food and never feeling hungry; it was just a matter of learning which foods my body really needed and omitting those (like grains and sugars) it didn't. And believe it or not, I needed to ADD more fats to my diet -- healthy ones like fish oil and olive oil --- to finally kick weight loss into high gear. My point isn't that what worked for me will always work for everyone, but that if "dieting" didn't work, the diet was probably wrong.
4) When you do feel ready to date, whether it's because you lose weight or just gain more confidence in yourself, remember that you don't have to wait for boys to ask you. Ask one of them. Start with a friendship, then nudge it toward a "boyfriend" relationship and see what happens.
5) Again when you reach that point, don't make the mistake others have made with you. Don't look past the fat and out of shape boys in your class to the football heroes when looking for a boyfriend. Men who are overweight often write in to advice columnists bemoaning the fact that the cheerleader types don't go for them, while they overlook perfectly nice girls without that cheerleader build, right in front of them. If you do feel that all body types are and should be considered attractive, please don't make the same mistake they are making.
Comment: #30
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:20 PM
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Re: Diana
Christ, Diana, it's truly obscene to recommend antidepressant to a teenager based on a letter in an advice column. Teens on antidepressants are HIGHLY MORE LIKELY TO COMMIT SUICIDE and have suicidal thoughts.
Comment: #31
Posted by: sarah morrow
Sat Jan 14, 2012 7:23 PM
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Sarah,
I have seen ads about anti-depressants leading to suicide for some who take them. So, how can any doctor prescribe anti-depressants to people who are presumably already depressed? I am sure there are situations where those drugs may have helped someone, but how can we trust anything a doctor recommends? What they say today will be headlines next year about what you should not do.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Carly O
Sat Jan 14, 2012 9:53 PM
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LW1:
I'm going to make some assumptions here. Off the bat, I will assume you have good kids, who aren't pains in the ass, don't break things, talk back, aren't spoiled, and are well behaved. Assuming all that is true, it could be that your parents feel close enough with your kids, and are trying to develop closer relationships with the other kids, and this is one way to compensate or try. Its kind of like how some folks chase the ones who are distant while taking for granted the ones who are close. Since you and your parents are close, sit down and have a talk with them.
LW2:
I'm sorry kids are knocking you because of your weight. Thats a shame, and its wrong, and you shouldn't consider it a reflection of your self worth. But, that said, instead of letting it get you down or focusing on your weight, focus on other things that you can work on, personality, brains, skills, etc. Maybe I was lucky, but in my high school, if you were a good looking guy/girl and you were a jerk, you were treated like a loser, if you were cool, or had good qualities, people liked you. I'll admit, I never dated heavy girls, though I did have friends who were heavy, some of whom lost lots of weight and looked like knockouts in later years, some who didn't, but were still great people, and made great friends...(Flipside, I lost count of the number of girls who I knew who were thin or very thin, and who ballooned over the years.....massively......tip for girls who are young and thin, you may be good looking now, but you do not want to be a bitch, because if you gain weight, all that bad karma will come back and kick you in the ass, and when your down, you'll need an army to keep the people you mistreated from kicking you)....
Keep your head up, life isn't like high school, and the real world, is not the same place, work on your personality and other skills, you will be rewarded in the end.
LW3:
I'm not sure about this, I like the idea, I think its a great idea, but is there any legal questions that your neighbor may raise claiming you are engaging in cruelty or abuse of their animals ?
Comment: #33
Posted by: Mookster
Sat Jan 14, 2012 11:18 PM
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@ Sarah Morrow
I can attest to the low carb diet combined with regular exercise. I was an overweight child. Part of the reason was that all of my mother's recipies included a pound of butter or a cup of lard. When I started college in the early nineties, I vowed that I would get into shape. I tried, and failed, many fad diets. A good friend of mine introduced me to the Atkins diet and I dropped nearly 60 pounds! As a biochemistry major, I learned about the intricate chemical reactions that the body undergoes to process and store sugars, fats, etc. Using that knowledge I have, over the years, heavily modified the original, more restrictive Atkins diet into a highly effective lifestyle which includes regular weight lifting and cardio exercises. This tectonic shift in lifestyle has allowed me to maintain a healthy physique for nearly 20 years now. I've been doing it for so long, it's habit. Meanwhile, nearly all of my sisters are grossly overweight because they still eat like we did as kids. My point is that a lifestyle change is what's needed to really succeed at weight loss. My hat's off to you for realizing this for yourself as well! Hear hear!
Comment: #34
Posted by: Chris
Sun Jan 15, 2012 6:41 AM
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"Have you Goggled "weight loss" and investigated the million+ results? Do. There might be something in there you haven't tried. And weight loss recipes are not a one-size-fits-all, there might be the one way out there that works for you. You're young, try them all."
Lise, this is the first time I've had to call you on something you posted. There is a lot of dangerous nonsense on the Web about weight loss, and the LW definitely should NOT try them all!
Comment: #35
Posted by: Carla
Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:15 AM
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I agree with Chris and others about a healthy low-carb diet. Don't eliminate carbs, especially if you start exercising regularly, but do restrict gluten (wheat, barley, and rye), and every carb that goes in your mouth, except for an occasional whole sugar or fruit-juice sweetened snack, should be whole grain. If you eat high fructose corn syrup, you may as well eat that "cup of lard" Chris mentioned. Good luck!
Comment: #36
Posted by: Carla
Sun Jan 15, 2012 8:18 AM
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Re: Carla
You're absolutely right, and thank yoiu for posting what I should have as an addendum. I thought of it after I posted, but there isn't an edit button on this thing.
Addendum: Honey, the Net has everything under the sun, and not all of it is good. Lots of quacks out there, who only need to set up a web page to start spewing out their yurunda. Keep your searches confined to reputable names and make sure they provide references to back up what they say.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Jan 15, 2012 9:36 AM
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Addendum to the addendum:
Be especially wary of anyone promising important weight losses in a very short time - losing weight too fast is more dangerous than keeping it on and leads to gaining it back and then some anyway. Focus on the solutions that are holistic, in the sense that they favour a lifestyle change rather than a specific diet.
(God I wish there was a edit button on this thing)
Comment: #38
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Jan 15, 2012 9:41 AM
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Re: happymom
I understand your point, but to equate losing weight to being happy is not a healthy approach. That is how obese people end up regaining the weight: they think that if they lose the weight, everything will fall into place, when chances are better than not that it will be the same stuff, different day (as most of the regulars know, I speak from experience, being a morbidly obese woman myself).
What she needs to do is figure out a way to be happy with who she is at ANY size, but lose the weight for herself so that she can be healthy. This awkward phase in her life will pass, and she will be OK, even if she doesn't date in high school. Therapy may also help to see if there are road blocks to keeping weight off (my main reason for keeping weight on for many years was to maintain a shield so men WOULDN'T approach me...too many bad relationships, and I didn't trust myself to pick the right guy for many years). A nutritionist can help as well, but there are also websites out there that can help with making sure that you're eating all the right levels of the right nutrients, which are either free or a lot cheaper.
As far as my progress, I'm doing alright. Kept my eating within the parameters I wanted for a week now, and have bumped the exercise up to 30 minutes a day, mainly dancing around my apartment to music from Spotify, YouTube or my own collection via iTunes. I get weighed in next week when I go for my monthly doctor appointment, so we'll see if I've made any progress.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Janie
Mon Jan 16, 2012 7:27 AM
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Am I the only one tired of hearing fat people say they ought to be considered beautiful the way they are? Our standards of beauty haven't changed significantly, ever. Obesity has never been attractive. Would this girl find a man who sat on the couch all day playing videogames and nothing else a good catch? Would an adult obese woman think an happily unemployed man was attractive? I bet not. Like it or not, what we find attractive is pretty hardwired into our genetics and whining about it isn't going to change it. Also, the way a person treats their body-anyone's most precious possession-says a lot about them. And when you let your body become obese, it doesn't say anything good. I'm not saying people have to be supermodel thin and beautiful, but you need to care about what you've got and work it to your advantage. That's not asking a lot.
Comment: #40
Posted by: farrar sanchez
Sat Jan 21, 2012 5:12 PM
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