Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

LW1-
I don't know if it would work - interviews can be a bitch, and a minefield of be darned if you do, be darned if you don't. But if it were me, I would tell them that I'm all for the drug screening under the condition I be given a copy of the results. If they ask why, I would tell them. And yes, check with the pharmacist to see what things you need to stay away from.

If you keep getting false positives even though you're clean, I would suggest you investigate the matter with a physician.

LW2-
Long hair in a woman is considered sexually attractive while for men, it depends on the the historical period and the specific culture - fashions differ. Romans kept their hair short, while Celts, Gauls and Jews didn't. Most occidental men keep their hair short, Amazonian Indians don't. For instance. You may want to Google that, it makes for interesting research, could be a school project or something.

First impressions count and the first impression people get of you is you appearance. Long hair doesn't make a person good or bad (for both men and women) but, in our culture, long hair on a guy is more suitable for a tennis player or a rock musician than for a chartered accountant.

You are only 14 and under your parent's authority. While you are a minor living under their roof, you have to abide by their rules. Life is not always fair. Having to wait before you sport your preferred style will teach you patience and discipline - two things that will come in very handy all throughout adulthood. As Calvin's father says (Calvin & Hobbes), "It builds character".

LW3-
@$%&*$, not THAT again?
"The vast majority of post-menopausal women DO lose interest in sex."
And where exactly did you get your statistics, pray tell? References, please. Not to mention that the way you put it, it's like women going on hormone replacement therapy all do it 100% because their libido is shot, when the more frequent reasons are to alleviate menopause symptoms and prevent osteoporosis.

You might want to Google “women losing sexual interest after menopause” before you start spewing out complete yurunda. I find it interesting that, for someone who tells a sex therapist that she needs a “refresher course”, you're the ones whose facts are very much out of date. When was your own last refresher course, 40 years ago?

Where did you get your "facts"? From your own bedrooms, more than likely. Boy, did you ever blow it on this one.

LW1--many things can give a false positive, and with some substances, there is actually a legal amount allowed--it isn't as simple as positive or negative. I don't know about a new hire, but someone who is already employed who is fired because of a qualitative positive, which simply means it is positive and not how much, can demand it be repeated and can sue for the job back if it turns out to be with in allowable limits. I know an employer who did this, and was fortunate the employee didn't know this. Of course, from what I heard the employee in question also didn't argue about the results. And beware those who are told ahead of time when they'll be tested (not a true random test), some things, such as pot, can remain in your system for up to a month, depending on how much you use. and no, second-hand smoke will NOT cause a pot test to "pop" quantitative positive (they've done studies involving smoke chambers in occupational medicine testing this)--quantitative meaning the amount in your urine/blood, not just simple postive/negative.

LW3--Most people are unaware it is testosterone, much more than estrogen, which affects libido. Estrogen does help lubrication and elasticity of the vagina. If you had an active, enjoyable sex life which goes to pot after menopause, talk to your doc about possible hormone replacement. However, if you never liked sex, it is unlikely your hormones are the major problem. What many women also don't know is SOME birth control pills will repress your sexuality, so premenopausal women who can take or leave sex might benefit from a change in BCP. However, the mind is the biggest sexual organ, so seeing a therapist pre or post menopausal can be beneficial.

LW2-It's because your parents don't give a shit about whether you're happy or not. They look at you as property. They desire to see you with short hair, and your asking for long hair cramps their style. I wonder what would happen if your sister shaved her head? I bet your parents would be pissed off big time.

After seeing a zillion letters indicating I may as well resign myself to losing my interest in sex once I'm through menopause, I'm beyond dismayed and depressed. I'll be 50 this year, and my long term SO and I have discussed getting married next year. But a lack of sex is a large part of what messed up his last marriage, so I'm beginning to think I ought to just call everything off and tell him to go find a thirty-something who will have a sex drive for the next couple of decades, instead of staying with me, since I obviously WON'T, according to the Annies and her erstwhile correspondents. Now I see why women turn into crazy cat ladies.

I worked as a temp in the HR department of a large utility company, in the group responsible for processing drug-testing paperwork and results. We had a job applicant test positive for an opiate, but we didn't just duck his phone calls and hire someone else. Instead my boss followed up on the result with the applicant, asking about his prescription and over-the-counter drug use and whether he had any frequently-eaten foods. We learned that he ate a poppy-seed bagel every morning, which would indeed give the results we saw. So he had to get a letter from the lady in the bagel shop vouching for him, and he was hired. I think he also switched to another bagel type, since the new job included a requirement for ongoing random drug testing (not just for him, for anyone holding the position). Only a really lousy employer would treat an applicant as LW1 was treated. He may have dodged a bullet loosing out on that position.

Re: Jo

PLEASE. Do Google "women losing sexual interest after menopause" - I wasn't kidding. They, however, are so full of shit I can smell it from here. They keep repeating the same garbage regardless of the number of people correcting them and they evidently refuse to do any research because they "know better". Likely THEIR libido is gone, if it was ever there in the first place.

P.S.: I'm turning 60 in exactly 12 days. My libido is FINE.

Fact: no man who performs oral sex well has a partner who loses interest in sex.

Just sayin'.

Re: Lise Brouillette Girl that's because you're a Montrealaise ;-) I bet you're still gorgeous!

Re: Norton...That's undoubtedlly the dumbest post I've ever read!!!!!!!!!!!!

LW1 - I agree that you should ask your doctor first about what comes up positive in a drug test. That way, you're prepared for the next time you have to get one.

LW2 - I know, it stinks, but you're 14 and have to abide by your parents' rules. Everybody has something that they wanted as a teen that their parents said "no" to. You've just got to wait it out.

LW1: I agree with Janie's post. There is a local company that requires drug tests for all employees and I once had to take one before I could start. First of all, the recruiter who had placed me there gave me a whole scripted spiel that was obviously a legal disclaimer, that said I had the right to request the results of the tests afterwards. When I showed up for the tests (urinalysis) I as given a form to fill out asking me if I was on any medication, what that was, etc. etc. I am surprised the LW was treated the way they were and agree with Janie that the company did not handle the situation professionally. After all, a drug test is a medical exam: you have the right to know what your results are. Some jobs require a physical exam: would this company have not told a potential candidate they failed an exam because they found a spot on their lungs? I smell a lawsuit if this company continues to treat candidates this way. After all, job seekers have rights too (which is why you can't ask people their religion, marital status, etc in interviews).

LW3: Annies, I take exception to your comment: " You need a refresher course. The vast majority of post-menopausal women DO lose interest in sex." I you read the comments BTL, I'd say we have a fairly even split here of post menopausal women who like/dislike sex. No vast majority by any stretch of the imagination.

Jo, brilliant post! I'm wondering, do you think the Annies are on the take from the cat food companies? Along the lines of "If we can convince all the menopausal women that sex is no good, maybe they'll all go out and get a bunch of cats!"

PS: Annies: Jo's post is why you really need to stop this obsession you have with trying to convince people that sex ends at menopause. Jo is reading here online and can see the comments BTL. Others, reading this mularky in newspapers cannot. Your crusade is both sexist and WRONG. And frankly, the LW here is a SEX THERAPIST. I think I'll take that opinion over someone's who spends an entire column giving people explanations of hand signals that put drivers at risk.

my sympathies to the first letter writer, but i'm with those who think she dodged a bullet. the employer sounds very unreasonable and is likely not someone who will be a sensible employer.

to the boy who wants to grow his hair long...have you considered asking if you may grow it for the express purpose of donating it to locks of love when it is long enough? i have a friend with three sons. they all do this. they let it grow for a few years, then get it cut very short. my friend and her husband are very proud of their boys who range in age from 9 to 16. it's such a worthwhile cause.

i'm really bored with all this talk of menopause. it's a distant memory for me and i'd rather not relive it. may i please be excused, now?

LW1: Personally, I try to avoid companies who drug test. I don't do drugs, but I am wary of any employer who trusts tests with a 10% false-positive rate and feels the need to put me under scrutiny all the time. Random drug testing my butt. However, I'm with everyone else. The company that hired you is idiotic, and I'm not sure I would trust that it came back positive. Have you thought that maybe they needed to find a way out of hiring you?

LW2: Yeah, your parents are stuck in gender binary mode. Unfortunately, if none of the other suggestions work, you're going to have to deal until you leave. It sucks, but there's not a whole lot you can do. BTW, Annies, effeminate? You're on a roll today. Ugh?

LW3: Well, you might have felt the need to tell a sex therapist that she didn't know what she was talking about, but as a sex researcher, you're full of it. You made something up and are trying to pass it off as well-known fact. Old-wives tales are more like it. Yes, many women do lose interest in sex after menopause, but it's not the majority, and definitely not always due to hormones. The LW is absolutely right: many women have had issues in their sexual relationships long before and use menopause as a way to get clumsy partners to stop (and I can't say I blame them). Some women don't feel supported/loved and thus have loss of libido. Both of these scenarios, BTW, happen in much younger women, also. So please, go educate yourself. Ugh.

Re: LW1, likely only upset because the job market is still so rough, but the poor way they treated you based on the test results -- especially when they should KNOW that there are a small-but-not-zero number of false positives -- means that they probably wouldn't have been a good company to work for in the first place.

Re: LW2, see if you can't compromise a bit, and find a hairstyle that is a *little* longer than what you wear now, and is still relatively "neat" and "clean", but not quite as long as your hair is now. Perhaps every few months or so you can try to re-negotiate a slightly different, slightly longer style. Look in men's fashion magazines or advertisements for men's clothing to find models with a nice-but-slightly-longer hairstyle -- especially models who are wearing suits or other professional, successful-looking clothing. If you can show your parents that "longer hair" doesn't equal "messy, sloppy, unprofessional", that may help to make your case.

Also, Annies, it's starting to border a bit on the homophobic to suggest that longer hair in men is "effeminate". Plenty of cultures had warriors with long hair, and lots of men nowadays have longer hair and are plenty masculine.

That kind of gender stereotyping isn't really helpful -- especially if this is a case where the boy really IS struggling with orientation or identity issues! (Probably not the case, but not out of the question, either).

The argument that "long hair in men is for sissies" might have been popular in the 1960s, but there's been a lot of cultural development since then. Heck, even some male LW3country music stars have long hair now.

LW3, not being a woman, and not even going through "manopause", I can only say that I think your experience as a sex therapist might be a little more relevant here, and I'm surprised the Annies didn't take better to the correction than they usually do. It seems a poor -- and cranky -- response on their part here. (Possibly lending credence to the theory that the Annies are viewing menopause questions from a much too personal perspective??)

Oh please, Annies, WHERE are your references that say the vast majority of women lose interest in sex after menopause? Sure, they may not want it as often as they did in their 20s, but neither do men, and you don't see them blaming mid-life hormonal changes on everything from lack of desire to mood swings to spousal abuse and child neglect to just plain bad behaviour. You make it sound like women have no sex drive at all after menopause, and in other columns you pretty much use menopause as an excuse for women to lose all control responsibility over the actions.

You know, it used to be legally allowable to strike a woman's testimony from a court case if she was having her period at the time. The thinking was that the hormonal changes a woman underwent during her peiod made her irrational, and therefore her testimony couldn't be deemed credible. Thank goodness that nonsemse is no longer allowable, yet here you are, marching out the menopause mania excuse to account for everything from a woman getting bossy at a holiday function to verbally abusing her children to ignoring her husband's requests for affection.

Do me a favour, Annies. STOP pretending you know anything about today's women, because your silly and outdated sterotypes and comments are so far off the mark it's insutling and damaging to those of us women who actually don't want to be seen as walking, sobbing, hormonally controlled zombies.

Drug testing to get a job?!? I've never once in my life heard of that!
Maybe it's because I live in Canada and this is more common in the states?
That is completely outrageous. If a company ever asked me for a drug test I would burst out laughing and walk out the door immediately...I do not do any drugs whatsoever, not even smoke, but there is something terribly wrong about a corporation analyzing your pee.
It would completely strip away my dignity as a person. No way I would ever allow that to happen.

Re: tapeoca

There are many jobs that require drug testing (I believe even in Canada) because of safety issues. Anything that involves transportation, most construction jobs, and most jobs in manufacturing for example. Many companies do test all employees (which I've always thought was ridiculous). There are debates here in the US about how constitutional this is: I have debated this issue based on the fact that I think it is discrimination and a dangerous step towards a complete lack of privacy. One argument against drug testing is, where does this stop?

Many companies justify drug testing by saying that drug addiction results in loss of productivity and high turnover. My argument against that, is I know more people who have problems and health issues due to obesity and or poor diet that cause them to lose time at work than I know heroin addicts who do the same. How about tobacco? Many people lose hours due to the side affects of tobacco, but they don't test for that. Most drug tests include tests for opiates (hence the "poppy seed bagel issue"), marijuana (which stays in your body for a ridiculously long time so if you smoke a joint at a party, three months later it can show up on a drug screen), cocaine (which conversly LEAVES your urine, stays in the hair though, in a few days) and sometimes, but not always, alcohol (which leaves your body in hours). Plus, there are a lot of over the counter health food supplements that you can take that will "trick" the test. the real problem users out there can find ways around the tests pretty easily.

A poster above is right that that a false positive could be used as an excuse to reneg on a job offer. But it should also be remembered too that these tests are NOT cheap. They cost about $100 per candidate per test in my area. For some jobs these are administered after employment and sometimes without notice if an employee has been in trouble before.

The debate rages on as now some people are afraid (because of advanced technology in the last few years) that drug testing will morph to DNA testing (to see if you have a higher chance of getting a disease). This is already an issue with our current (albeit quickly changing) health insurance system. Like any other debate, there are many sides to the story and people can get pretty worked up about it.

CONFIDENTIAL to Mike H. Welcome back!

Jo, don't worry I turn 51 in three weeks and my libido is just fine. My husband is the one havong trouble keeping up with me.

Yeah, the Annies are being shortsighted in at least not asking their women readers how they feel about sex and menopause. I wonder if they are going to hear from readers, and if they will put it in the column. We'll see.

As for that, there is a wide range of opinion on that, since some women have no problem with sex later on and some do, I've said it before and it's been said here today and I fully agree, that women are greatly affected by how they get along with their husband in day to day life. GUYS, PLEASE GET THIS IF YOU DON'T GET ANYTHING ELSE!! Women need to really get along with their guys all the time for sex to be its best. That's all there is to it. I saw a joke the other day: women can fake orgasms, but men can fake entire relationships.

I wonder if the Annies have overdone the poppy seeds and their brains have melted. Either that or their YorkaLhasaPomaPoos are keeping them awake at night.

LW1 - That employer sounds new to the game, or just a jerk. You dodged a bullet. False positives happen often and he should have known this.

LW2 - For the same reason that girls aren't allowed to wear pants. Oh, wait, it's 2012. Still, you are living with your parents, and those are their rules. You're only 14; you have a lifetime to grow your hair long if you want to.

And Annies, shame on you for suggesting that long hair on men is effeminate! I personally think it's sexy, and I don't know ANYONE who sees a guy with long hairs and thinks "oh, he must be gay or something!"

LW3 - I believe that the Annies themselves have a lack of sex problem in their relationships and have blamed menopause. That means that everyone who doesn't blame menopause has to be "wrong", otherwise they will have to take responsibility for themselves!

My dad is a school bus driver and all drivers have to go through random drug testing. I'm not sure how I feel about it in other professions, but I'm glad that they're making sure the people driving my kid to and from school isn't all whacked out on something.

I know some of you are surprised with the fact that some employers do drug testing in the States; however, I see it as a good thing, especially since I work in the healthcare industry. Do you really want medical professionals strung out on drugs while they're making life and death decisions about your health? Neither do hospitals, because that opens them up to malpractice suits, which leads to higher healthcare costs for everyone. The other thing that hospitals and other healthcare facilites want to make sure of is that their supplies of drugs aren't pilfered by drug addicted medical professionals either. Again, that would also mean higher healthcare costs for everyone, since the hospital's operating costs would increase.

There are some states that are mandating drug testing for those receiving benefits from certain state-funded programs (e.g. welfare, food stamps, unemployment). They just want to make sure that the money is going to what the money is meant to go, and trying to make it that those programs are temporary stopgaps, not a way of life. I'm not confident that it will be successful, but understand why the mandates are there.

Anyhow, just my two cents. Take it or leave it.

@Mike H: Your advice to the 14 year old boy made me smile, because all I could think while reading was “Get Bieber's haircut!” But your advice was good for him and for LW3. The Annies appeared old fashioned and crabby today. As you said, maybe the menopause/loss of libido letters hit too close to home…
@Lise B.: That's interesting, the history of some cultures having long hair, and others not. It certainly discredits the Annies' (stupid) advice of having long hair is “effeminate” Seriously? Does anyone outside of a stereotype from the 1960s view long hair on men that way? I don't find it attractive, but I certainly don't find it “girly” or “sissy”

@Jane (#15): hahahaha. Ah. Thanks for the great post.

Janie:

EXACTLY!! Drug use affects all of us. It horrifies me to think of a doctor or nurse under the influence working on someone. Yipe!!

Or a school bus driver, or airline pilot, food service worker, etc. etc. Need we say more?

Re: wkh

Right on!!!

@wkh
I WAS gorgeous 20 years ago... I guess I'm still attractive. I don't have the face and the body I used to, but what I have left is plenty more than a lot of 20 year-olds start with. Men look at me, and young men too. But I do know women who are quite homely, and they attract too... Like we say here, tous les gouts sont dans la nature, it takes all tastes. My sister-cousin is five years older than me, she has aged a LOT in the past year, and yet her companion is still goo-goo ga-ga about her...

@Ms Davie
Couldn't agree with you more. But I felt I had slammed the Annies hard enough, didn't want to get on his case too. He's probably 14 himself.

@Alien
Re Locks of Love - what a BRILLIANT idea! Dreaming of Long Hair, are you listening? I hope you read online!

@AgLee16, nanchan, Mike H, Jane, Jar8818, Zoe etc
Long hair = effeminate, menopause = South Pole temperatures... The Annies seem stuck in a time warp - likely dating back to the last ice age.

" I wonder if they are going to hear from readers"
Well, they already heard from me. I copy-pasted the relevant part of my post and clicked on "Write the authors". Cold-fishy idiots.
"I wonder if the Annies have overdone the poppy seeds and their brains have melted."
It's not melted, it's frozen, and it's not just their brains... :-D

Re jar8818: You hit the nail on the head on LW#3. A lot depends on the skill of her partner.
I have no idea what the percentage is of women who no longer feel the desire to have sex after menopause. Don't care, because it doesn't matter. All I know about it (other than my personal experience) is from listening to female relatives, friends, and co-workers who say their desire disappears when their periods do.
But I know ONE of the reasons for it, if a woman stops trying, is that either her man wasn't attentive to HER needs, or the way he treats her in other ways isn't good. It's something men don't seem to be able to grasp, the fact that women have a hard time being ignored or denigrated all day and then expected to jump into bed with someone at night.
And no matter what the percentages are-------------the minute a woman indicates she no longer has any sexual desire, she gets jumped on by most of the men, and ALL of the women who DO still have a desire. Does there have to be a 'right' and a 'wrong'? How about we just say a woman either still likes it and she doesn't?
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Re LW#2------certain types of hairdos present certain images. There is a look and an image you are wanting to go for with your desire for long hair. Your parents do not like or agree with that image. Tough for you, but perhaps by NOT going for long hair, your opportunies for certain things, such as some jobs, will increase.
When you hit 18, you can grow it to your ankles if you wish------as long as you become an independent adult who is not running to mom and dad for such things as a place to live, a car, money for college or other things-------true test of adulthood and making your own decisions ties in with making your own money and your own living. Hope you qualify.
---------------------

Re: Janie
You know, I wish there was MORE drug testing here in Montreal. I know of someone who works as an ambulance driver/technician, and I also know for a fact that he smokes pot, snorts coke and drinks like a fish. You do NOT want someone you care about to be picked up by this guy. His employers know about the problem, but he's highly unionised and cannot be fired until something happens.

@Casey
"The Annies appeared old fashioned and crabby today."
They must be going through menopause.

BTW, the ex LOML has long hair.... has had long hair most of his life. A lot of Pakistani do, in fact. And trust me, he's NOT effeminate.

@Connie Johnson re wkh
You're right about that, right ON! (hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee...)

RE: long hair on men (or boys) -- I had to laugh reading the Annie's bit about long hair being effeminate -- tell that to all the NFL football players who have long hair. Personally, I usually don't like long hair on men, but not because I think they look like "sissies" or that they might be gay. Actually, rightly or wrongly, I associate long hair with biker gangs (the kind that would kill you as soon as look at you -- not the kind who just like to ride motorcycles, not all "bikers" are scary thugs) on the one end and immature slackers on the other. This is not to say that I assume a guy with long hair is ALWAYS one or the other of these things -- a very good friend of mine who is definitely NOT either of these things had long hair when I met him, and he is actually one of the kindest, hard-working, thoughtful people I know. But for me, it's a turn-off. For other women, it's a turn-on. We all like what we like.

But we all also have to accept our parents' rules (unless those rules actually do real harm to us -- cutting one's hair doesn't fall into that category) until we have the wherewithal to take care of ourselves. That's just the way it is. So, when I tell you to grow up and get a life, I actually don't mean that in a snarky way. I mean that once you grow up and are capable of taking care of yourself, you can have the life you want on your terms. Until then...

Can't remember who suggested the Annies should poll their readers on menopause, but FOR THE LOVE OF PETE, DO NOT SUGGEST THIS WHERE THEY MIGHT ACTUALLY SEE/HEAR IT! I'm sorry for shouting, but I am begging everyone NOT to write to the Annies about this. It will only give them more opportunity to go on ad nauseum on a topic about which they CLEARLY refuse to do any actual research or learning. And remember, since even the sex therapist notes that many women do lose their sex drive after menopause, that means a good number of the letters will be from women corroborating what the Annies already believe -- and they can dismiss the ones that say otherwise as being fake. Then they can just pick and choose the ones they like and run those.

Fortunately, it is clear that the Annies do not read the BTL, so with any luck, they will not get wind of the suggestion, so we might just be safe.

Remember people, it's not just about not feeding trolls -- don't feed the ANNIES!

Re: Lisa

I've never seen anyone try to say "grow up and get a life" in a non snarky way ;)

Re: LW2

I have a couple if ideas for you. See if you can work out a deal with your parents - for each month you keep your grades at a certain level, or maintain a job, or do all your chores, or whatever they want you to be doing, you get to keep growing out your hair. Otherwise, half an inch comes off (approx. what grows in a month).

You could also try explaining to your parents that you're getting it out of your system now. I did crazy things to my hair when I was a teenager and I'm glad I was permitted to. I got it all out of my system and when I turned 18 I looked normal. This isn't how it works with everyone but most young people like to experiment with their look. When you are 14 is the most harmless time to do it. And then when you turn 18 you'll have two feet of hair you can donate if you wish!

I agree with whomever suggested you print out some photos or clip some magazines of professional looking men with longer hair.

I also really agree with doing a project on hair and its colour, length, across various civilizations through time and/or the world. If you have a teacher you are close with - history or english would be best - you could even approach them, explain that you are motivated to learn about this, and get some extra credit for it.

But if they still say no, then accept it, and work hard so you can be an independent adult, and grow your hair out, and no one can say boo. I have pet snakes, sometimes I eat cookies for dinner, and sometimes I stay up as late as I can just for the heck of it. Being an adult is awesome, although I do miss the 9-3 days of my school years!

Re: Lisa
LOL!

@Janie- Great point. I was planning to make the same comment, but you beat me to the punch. I also work for a healthcare organization and drug screening as well as TB testing are mandatory for all new hires. Prior to the appointment, they tell you to bring all of your prescription medications in the appropriately labeled bottles with you so that if there is a false positive, they can identify any legally prescribed drugs that may have caused the issue.

Those that work in the hospitals - especially those who come in contact with patients are subject to random drug tests.

re Long hair - I never really thought about long hair in connection with homosexuality in men. Most of the gay guys I know are really clean-cut. I can't think of one that I know who actually has long hair. When my 7 y.o. asked me if he could grow his hair out I said no, but not because I thought it was gay, but because the mental image of a 7 y.o. James Brown was NOT cute. Kidding.

Looks like there are two "Janie" posters, me and the one who wrote comment #22 (which I mostly agree with, but did NOT write). Don't know why Creators allowed two different accounts with the same name. I can't change the "posted by" on my comments, but from now on I'll sign my notes "Janie in CA" so y'all can tell us apart. :-)
--Janie in CA

***Off Topic***

I had my bug Ultrasound yesterday and we found out that we're having another...BOY! I was wrong but am very happy to be another a second son :D

Concerning LW3... ya know I am no where near menopausal age so I have no idea what my desires and interests will be at that time. However I think all you raging and ranting about "how dare they suggest..." is a bit over the top and actually doing a disservice to those women who already feel "broken" by their lack of desire. Is it really far fetched to think that, from an evolutionary standpoint, a woman of non child bearing age would not have an instinct or desire to have sex any longer. Being that humans are one of the few mammals to mate for pleasure in the first place it doesn't make it far fetched to me. Especially when a couple has been married for decades. Now sure, maybe those who have divorced and are happy in their new found single status may find a renewed interest in sex whenever and however like like. But I'd venture to say that married couples for 20+ years aren't bopping it 2 times a week on the sofa with the same interest as 10 years earlier.

And anyway, if you have to be given an injection of a manufactured hormone to replace your sex drive isn't this sex therapist proving the Annie's point that it *does* in fact decrease with age? Why should I have to inject myself with something if only to please someone who *thinks* he performs like a 20 year old bed? Pfffft... whatever...

Re: jar8818 In addition to asking their female readers, I also think they SHOULD ask the Red Hatters. My mom's libido is just fine at 67, and one of her friends is hornier than an 18 year old male---no kidding!
re: Norton---actually, I think you hit the nail on the head in a remarkably concise manner. Hooray!

Drug testing. My husband's work place and one of my son's work place requires it. My husband has never been tested. My son upon being hired 10 years ago, and never since. But that does not mean their employment would not say YOU'RE UP TOMORROW.
As of now, the whole world wide companies of both require it. Upon your application interview--your acceptance for employment is the drug screen. You have opportunity on the forms to fill out medication you take as well as the long list of foods is available to tell you which affect testing. gives you opportunity to check mark that. Alternative oportunity for my son was to come back when his poppy seed muffin was out of his system.
www. craigmedical. com /drug_test_faq. htm TAKE OUT THE SPACES Here is a testing fact website that you can go to.
If you did not have a job who's actions would affect any other thing, human, machine, animals, etc maybe not having a drug screen for the job would not be a big deal----but if the job requires it, they deem it necessary for your employment with them.
Even the effects of ordinary medications taken (my diabetic oral medication is a 72 hr half life) have effects that can interact with any action I may do as well as OTHER MEDICATIONS I might take. And that combination can be disasterous. Also, anyone on an antidepressant will trigger positive and at a greater rate if any other medication is used. The body responses say to steroids--scripted out for many reasons--arthritis being a big one in older adults. What we don't realize is that for the better part of the treatment, that creates a diabetic out of the patient, where as you may need insulin to counter the steroid action in the body. (Friend had this happen. Was told it was very common.) The steroid medication can also create or add to congetive heart failure. All these would show up in a screen----just think what illegal or impaired drug use would do.
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Now a jump over the the hormone replacement therapy. I know I posted this in the past, but my special needs brother was given HRT to move him past puberty into adult hood (he was in his 40's) as the prader willi syndrome makes you rather asexual. But since he was one of the oldest PW, and not having much info out there, my mom agreed to the testosterone patches. They had to be applied so carefully so the person applying was in danger of touching the patch momentarily--exposing them to it. GEE then don't you think the dosage to the patient in use would have issues? 4 kinds of cancer developed at the same time. No cancers in our family history to start with. Scary. The patch did it's male thing, moved the voice, developed the body hair, helped with the mood swings puberty brings, etc.
You were born with your DNA in force, your cell layout already in place before your first breath. My convictions have always been DON'T MESS WITH IT. My fibromyalgia has been life long (57 years) and the chronic fatigue as a child hitting puberty. Since there was nothing known for sure, and even tho through centuries of medical history it has been documented, no one had answers. During my 3 pregnancies, my FMS/CFS were so not prevalent--being PG was the best thing for my health. The different NATURAL hormones that evolved to protect each baby shut down my conditions. But to falsely put your bodies into the state of a pregnant person the rest of my life--mess with hormones--is not what I would choose for my therapy for the FMS/CFS. Drug companies have jumped on the bandwagon to try and sell many things that most of us find DO NOT WORK, but MASK the situation or put the mind into a state of who gives a crap---Some people prefer that status. Not me.
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Any job that I have held during my lifetime would have warrented a drug screening. At this point, I have never had one. If necessary, yes, if I wanted/needed the job to live. If on unemployment and you apply for a job, either refusing to test or testing comes back impaired, you risk loosing your unemployment benefits. And that is huge. A positive drug test won't put you in jail when applying for a job, But if the job service all applications go through do other companies as well, your drug screen stays on record. Consdering we have more and more state supplied job services helping people to become employed--it is all networked.
Also, if stopped by the law enforcement for speeding, etc, their computers access that information. Our new state law enforcment information status being installed throughout MN has a one stop shop encounter now. Our local law enforcement is just installing it in our area counties now. And they can access other counties information that way in an instant.
So technology is a double sided sword. FYI, 2 years ago there was an NCIS show where they pulled out this new thing to read the ID of the dead body--index finger into the little machine and they came up with who it was. Yep. We have that here in our small community as well. All from the US and Canada who have been IDed for some reason--job, law, etc are in it. Used very often with aliens who are plenty in our area for jobs. It is a direct to connect to ICE.
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Young teen wanting hair long. Well, establish who you are with your hair as your parents want it. Then as you age, you have credibility for asking. People will know you as a good person before you change your looks. Do change gradually--and with converstaion with your parents. Changes like this is youth are on the check lists for parents to keep track of--how to know if your child is into: DRUGS, GANGS, etc.
Your parents just want a good son who keeps his nose clean. It is not asking for alot that you can't change when you turn 18, can leave the house, establish your own life in your own way. It is your parents home, they rules, esp when you are a minor. That is life. At age 14, you have enough time as an adult to be a rebellion or just walk to the beat of your own drum. Sometimes being the odd duck out can work out for the better as UNIQUE individual and sometimes it turns into the WEIRD ODD person that alienates the rest of the world, being a loner is not good. You get to choose as an adult.
But you don't get to choose people's response to your actions.
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Re: Janie

And any one else with duplicate namings.
Contact the webmaster, he will change your name how you want it to appear. I did that back when there was another Joyce on the sceen. So it will be an automatically NEW signiture without you having to do anything.

@Norton and Kate - I was going to let Norton's comment slide as immaturity until Kate agreed. It is ludicrous to believe that LW2's parents won't let him cut his hair because they don't care. It is precisely because they do care that they set boundaries for their children. They want their son to conform to societal standards because they are well aware of the challenges that people who don't conform face. They want him to appear to others to be "presentable" so that people will not misjudge him and fail to allow him to have chances in life that he could miss out on but choosing to not meet those standards. Unfortunately, people do judge others and they want their son to present himself in the best possible light.

If my son asked me to let him eat a pint of ice cream every day, sure he would be unhappy because I said no. But his momentary unhappiness, while important to me, is far less so than the future challenges he will have to face - health problems, obesity, lack of self-discipline, because I let him over indulge just to make him happy in the moment.

Parenting is a challenge and most parents want to be as balanced as possible. For you to tell some impressionable 14 year old that his parents don't care about him based on the fact that they won't let him grow his hair out is irresponsible and assinine.

Re: nanchan

"There are many jobs that require drug testing (I believe even in Canada) because of safety issues."

No. It's illegal in Canada to do pre-employment drug tests EXCEPT as part of a security clearance process for the very top-level clearance and only in very specific jobs. Believe me, I looked into it when I was job hunting two years ago, lol. No random drug tests for existing employees either. I work for the federal government and had to go through security screening but it's only at the security level about three levels above me, TOP SECRET, where candidates cannot have used illegal drugs in the last 12 months. And that level of security is hardly used anywhere, mostly within Security and Intelligence, some top level jobs within the RCMP and some Foregin Affairs jobs (I believe *only* if you work in immigration offices or embassies overseas, but not sure on that).

Tapeoca's guess was right, drug testing is WAY more prevalent in the US, in fact it really borders on ridiculous (to me at least). Now I've never tried to gain employment in the US so my opinion is based on what I've heard from others, and frankly most people who I've heard/read talk about this ARE stoners so possibly skewed information, but from what I've heard it seems to take a pre-employment drug test to get just about ANY job in the US. A woman I know had to take one to be a cashier at Wal-Mart. Others had to work at Wendy's. To work at nicer retail stores. To be a lifeguard. To volunteer/work with kids or elderly people (there is a similar brief security clearance for this kind of work in Canada to, that I had to do when I got a job with a tutoring company - it took 10 minutes at the police station with my two pieces of ID and there sure was no drug test).

I'm rather happy I live on this side of the border.

Re: Lisa B. "I WAS gorgeous 20 years ago... I guess I'm still attractive. I don't have the face and the body I used to, but what I have left is plenty more than a lot of 20 year-olds start with."

Fantastic reminder! I'm in this category, too, but I think about how I'd like to get a tummy tuck to remove that last 3 pounds! Again, great attitude, hope I don't forget this one---never mind, I'll write it down.

LW1-
Dear Annies,
Please give me permission to quit looking for work because I might fail a drug test.
Thanks,
Innocent While "Proven" Guilty

Dear Proven,
Huh, no. Call a doctor.
As

Dear Annies,

Please, God, no more menopause letters.

Love,

Me

Re: Alexandra

Sorry, clarification to my previous post... it's not that quite right that it's outright *illegal* for pre-employment drug screenings, but that the law is quite unclear. There are provisions in the Charter of Rights and Freedoms that speak against it but it's really not spelled out to the letter. Canadian companies who do a certain amount of bsuiness in the US ARE sometimes required to drug test employees, or employees in certain positions, under US law though. And there is drug testing in military positions. And of course an employer MAY ask for an employee to be drug tested if there is reasonable cause to believe the employee is actually intoxicated on the job or if the employee caused an accident and they believed drug use to be a factor, etc. (this is what the Charter speaks of, there needs to be a justified reason to drug test a particular employee... not all employees at random or all job applicants)
My point stands though that it's very very very very rare in Canada and not at all rare in the US to need to undergo a drug test for a job.

Changes like this is youth are on the check lists for parents to keep track of--how to know if your child is into: DRUGS, GANGS, etc.
And i say never ever go by a checklist for your own child. If you pay attention to your kid, you will know when something is wrong. My son is almost 11, he wants his hair long, I don't care. My rule is clean and brushed, nothing else. As parents we have to pick our battles and I cannot believe that hair would ever be a battle. To the one who commented on job prospects, he's 14 and not looking for a job. When he is ready to do so, then he can cross that bridge with his hair then. For god's sake, it's hair - it can be cut in 20 minutes, dyed a different color in 30. His parents are treating him like property, which too many parent do.
True story about the checklist. My girlfriend's mother went by one of those - change in friends, change in blah blah blah, almost had her put in treatment, guess what, it was her friends doing the drugs and her daughter was trying to get away from them. The mother wouldn't listen because, guess what, all her behaviors were on a stupid list. I am glad my parents looked at me as me and nothing else. Talked to me, asked me questions. This is how I am raising my son to get to know him as a person, not as a checklist or my property.

Re: sharnee

I hope that half of your post is part sarcasm. "Presentable", look at half the teenage boys out there, they have longer hair, and you know what, I do not care what others think about me and I am raising my son that way. He is a lovely boy with great manners and I get comments from total strangers about how polite he is. If someone judges my kid by hair, then he does not need them in his life. Eating a pint of ice cream is not a good comparison, one is bad for your health, the other will do nothing to you at all. From your post, his parents care more about society than their own child, that is sad. Again, he is 14 and as I said above hair can be cut/dyed very very easily and quickly if needed. If my son wanted purple hair, again I do not care. I choose my battles better than this, there are many more important thing to be concerned about in your child's life, not this one.

@Stacia- appearance is relevant for children - especially young adults. A child may be over-looked for academic scholarships, representation in clubs and organizations at school - and yes job internships - children can work with a permit at 14 in my state.

As African-American boys, my sons are both bright - one exceptionally so. I have no intention of allowing them to go to school wearing slouched pants, hats backward, or wearing an unkempt bush or cornrows. Sorry, I want adminstrators to recognize my children as respectable individuals who can excel - not just another "thug". While I don't paint all young people who dress in such a manner with this brush a vast many people - including those who can influence my children's future through scholarship recommendations, do just that.

LW2: You have my sympathy -- I think teens should be allowed to experiment with harmless things like hair length and clothing -- but I also have an alternative suggestion for you: buy a wig or hair extenders, of the best quality you can reasonably afford, to achieve the length you want to try out. Maybe your sisters can help you choose the wig. Wear it to a party or some social event, get reactions, and see how it makes you feel. If you keep the extenders in for a few days, you can pull them back like a pony tail during school hours.
I helped a nephew try out temporary tattoos, and he enjoyed them, but decided not to get permanent ones.

Re: Lisa
"tell that to all the NFL football players who have long hair. Personally, I usually don't like long hair on men, but not because I think they look like "sissies" or that they might be gay."
Chuckle. You can only tell which NFL football players are guy when they come out of the closet. A couple of them were on a sports show, discussion of the 'gay guy' thing, and they said they would not name names, but people would be surprised at how many more there were in the NFL. And basketball. Other sports don't hold airs about gayness within the sport that football and basketball do.

football players are guy MEANT GAY

P.S. - My brother is 26. He had the same issue. He wore his hair in long dread-locks for years. He cut them off last year. Why? Because he used to work in home repair and remodeling and his partner handled the business end of things and brought in the clients. When the economy tanked and clients disappeared he could not find a job to save his life after looking for ANYTHING for 2 years. He decided on his own - at least not on my advice- to cut his hair so that employers would take him more seriously. He found a job within a month of cutting his hair.

Personally, I wear my hair naturally - in a curly bush. I also not only style my hair in more common styles when interviewing, I also wear make-up and a suit when ordinarily I wear little make-up and dress business casual for work. I do this so that any potential employers will categorize me as a true professional. Fortunately, I haven't had to seek employment in this economy, but prior to these times I have always gotten job offers pretty easily. While I would love to believe that it is because I have mad skills - these employers are only getting a glimpse of my capabilities in an interview and from my resume. Their decisions are influenced by my over-all presentation of myself as well as whether or not my skills match the position.

I want my children to understand this value of presenting themselves well now, before they learn this lesson the hard way. You can call it controlling if you want. Maybe it is... but I see nothing wrong with doing all you can to guide your children to a successful future. All of my attempts may fail, ultimately people are who they arel... but at least I tried.

Re: sharnee
No where did this say, slouched pants, backwards caps or unkempt hair (you are projecting your own life into this letter). The child wants to grow his hair out longer. I find it hard to believe that a child is is going get passed up because he has longer, clean and maintained hair for anything. No where did he also state that he wants it down to his ankles. Maybe dad makes him keep a buzz cut and he wants it collar length and that is long to him. I obviously live in a different world than you because my kid looks like the majority of his school and he has not been passed over for anything. If administrators are judging children by hair, they need to be replaced with better administrators who actually get to know the kids at their schools/ organizations, which is their job.

Re: Stacia

I totally agree with everything you've said. Longer hair on a teenage boy is not the same as eating a pint of icecream every day, or dressing like "thugs" (hats backward, slouchy pants, etc). If LW2 said "I want to dress like a biker with long hair" that would be different and I would not agree. But long hair at 14 years old? SO not a big deal, and I SO agree with picking battles.

There are FOUR years between now and when he realistically starts looking for work (btw, my husband worked at 14 and had long hair :)) - he will probably cut his hair by then. And even if he doesn't, as long as it is clean, tidy, and he is well dressed, he is unlikely to be passed over for a job just because his hair is longer. And by then it will be his choice. I wouldn't want a job if the employer refused to hire me if I had short hair!

And honestly, many employers are now people who do not look down on tattoos, piercing, or eccentric hair/clothing styles. It will likely be even more like this in 4 years. And if it's not? He can go get in cut in less time than it takes to watch a tv show.

I think people with a low opinion of long hair (or other things) have a mental image of a biker, a young thug, whatever. Just like someone who goes "eww I hate mustaches" is thinking of a 70's porno 'stache, and people who think "ugh short hair on women sucks!" is thinking of a butch obese lady in a huge plaid shirt and Birkenstocks. The reality is that if you saw a well groomed, well dressed, respectful person with long hair, or a mustache, or a woman with short hair, it probably wouldn't even occur to you to be bothered.

Just think of the hunks who have sported long hair: Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Tom Cruise, Josh Holloway, Orlando Bloom, Antonio Banderas, Asthon Kutcher - these are not men known to be dirty thugs, either. I sure wouldn't kick any of them out of bed for eating crackers (except maybe Ashton Kutcher).

LW2 is not asking to do drugs, have sex, stay out until 3 am, get a tattoo, smoke cigarettes, get a pet cobra, or eat McDonalds every meal. Realistically, is it really LESS damaging to force a short hair cut on him when he wants to experiment harmlessly with his appearance, or to let him grow his hair out when he's 14? Not that I think that having to keep his hair short is some great abuse or anything, but I'm pullin' for him and his long hair!

Stacia - If I am projecting, then so are you. Who said anything about a buzz cut? He did not say that his parents were strict and over-bearing in any other way. Simply that they will not allow him to grow his hair out. Who are you to judge their parental decisions for their own child? Who are you to question their reasons based on your own beliefs. Hi Pot, my name is Kettle. Obviously we do live in two different worlds. While you can criticize the administrators in the city, town, state where I live, that won't change their minds.

Congrats on the happy news, Yoshi Mama!!!

@Zoe - FYI.... my brother did not dress like a thug. His only hinderance to finding a job (seemingly) was his hair. As much as you would like to think times have changed - change usually occurs only by inches... not by miles.

LW2 - No, it's not fair. Fair is somehting that happens in the fall and folks bring their prize hogs. When you move out you can grow your hair as long as want. That's what I did and what a pain in the ass it was. Hang in there and know that you now have something to look forward to when you leave home.



LW3 - Women and men lose interest in sex for all kinds of reasons and there's no one reason, answer or cure. As a therapist you should probably know that. The issue is when a partner does lose intererest for whatever reason it needs to be discussed and dealt with honestly with the understanding that one of them still wants sex and is frustrated. That may be where you (or someone more qulified then you probably) needs to help.

Re: Stacia, sharnee

I think what Stacie means, sharnee, is that you're using comparisons that don't really apply - not so much that you are projecting. Pint of icecream per day vs. long hair on a 14 year old boy isn't the same thing at all. Neither is long hair vs. backward hat, loose pants, and cornrows. A better comparison might be cornrows vs. long hair? To be honest I don't know how cornrows are generally perceived but I have never associated them with anything negative.

Sadly, it is a fact (in my parts anyway), that a well dressed black woman (or man with dreadlocks) is less likely to be hired than a well dressed white guy with long hair (unless the company is attempting to meet a minority / gender quota in which case it is the opposite). It's the association that kills (mustache = pedophile / dreadlocks = drugs, etc) but they are less strong when it comes to white guys with long hair than just about anyone else with anything else.

I don't think job application applies to LW2's case anyway (he's only 14, and a lot of 14 year old boys have long hair these days, and most of them are not applying for jobs, and he's more likely to cut it by the time he's 18 than not), but even if it did, I truly do not think him having long hair (and it won't grow to 6 feet long overnight, either - in one year it will be half a foot longer without any trims) will affect his prospects for a getting a job in any measurable way.

It is also likely that his parents don't want him to have long hair because they don't think boys should have long hair, not because they don't him to miss out on jobs four years from now because he grew out his hair when he was a kid. That, and I don't think LW2 would have written if he was given a real reason for not being able to cut his hair, or would have mentioned it in the letter. I could be wrong.

Personally I think 'fros on ladies and dreadlocks on dudes are very sexy so I did not assume your brother dressed like a thug :) And it is entirely possible that that dissuaded some potential employers - or the timing could have been right. But I don't think that long hair on a white kid (I am assuming LW2 is white) will have the same impact, EVEN if he still has long hair when he looks for a job (which in itself is unlikely). Times change slowly, but more quickly for white people :\ I feel like an arse saying it but it seems to be true. People still think dreadlocks = drugs, but tattoos and piercings (more of a white people thing) are becoming pretty accepted as long as you haven't taken it to "freak" levels. (Obviously I do not think that this imbalance is in any way acceptable or OK).

Also, I am not presuming to judge LW2's parents. I think it would be great if they let him grow it out but if they don't - too bad, so sad. 4 more years and he can die it purple and spite it in a mohawk if he wants - but he may not if he can get that out of his system at 14 by growing his hair out.

@ Alexandra

Actually, here in Alberta, drug testing is quite common for jobs in the oilfields, both pre-employment and random testing. I know that people involved in off-shore drilling are also tested, out in the Maritimes. What part of Canada do you reside in?

About the 14 year old boy who wants long hair - I've always let my 14 year old son decide how long he wants his hair. I think it looks great down to his shoulders, but he prefers it cut nice and short. Meh, to each his own, I say.

@ It's Me -- The Annies also tried to suggest that the sex therapist's mention of how hormones can be used to address a decreasing libido is "proof" that menopause just naturally sucks up most menopausal women's libidos. But both you and the Annies missed an important point in the sex therapist's letter -- s/he noted that such hormone treatment is used for people (both male and female) of a variety of ages when there is a libido problem. Because guess what? Menopausal women aren't the only ones who have libido issues. BOTH genders can have this problem, and people of both genders of VARIOUS ages can have this problem. So, the fact that using hormones can help address a decreased sex drive does NOT "prove" anything.

I do not doubt that, for many women, menopause pretty well kills off the sex drive. I honestly don't think anyone is arguing otherwise. But the Annies trot out menopause as the cause of just about everything under the sun (if it's not menopause, it's dementia. If it's not dementia, it must be because the person washes his dirty shoes in the kitchen sink...). Moreover, and more importantly, the Annies trot out their BELIEFS about menopause as FACT, when it seems patently obvious that they're hardly experts in human sexuality, medicine or menopause. We have no way of knowing if LW3 really is a licensed, educated, professional sex therapist, but assuming s/he is, note that the Annies immediately suggested they knew better. Wow. To my knowledge, the Annies are not experts in human sexuality, medicine or menopause.

Swallowing their menopause mantra would be much easier to do if they would either cite actual research or, at the very least, couch it as, "we don't claim to be experts, but anecdotally speaking, the majority of women we know who have gone through menopause said..." But that's not what they do. They just spout off as if it's fact, and if anyone tries to suggest it may be otherwise, they simply deny it, without offering a SHRED of evidence one way or the other. Whatever.

LW1--Unfortunately, you're the victim of statistics and there's not much you can do. When a company screens job applicants, whome they don't know and haver zero history, for drugs any positive result is taken at face value. Big corporations typically have a zero tolerance policy with regards to illegal substance abuse and they do not have the money, time or resources to give every applicant who tests positive the benefit of the doubt. Moreover, in a down economy there are a surplus of well qualified candidates to choose from so potential employers have little incentive to retest applicants, at their expense, who fail drug tests. If you believe your false positive was triggered by your diet, legitimate prescription drugs or even your body's natural chemistry then by all means take the Annies' advice and talk to your doctor. It would help tremendously if you got written documentation from your doctor that you could offer up in advance of any drug screening so as to bolster your credibility beforehand, rather than trying to plead your case after the fact.

LW2--You're a minor and while living under your parents' roof you either abide by their rules or suffer the consequences. If they say "no" to long hair, then their word is final. Sorry son, those are the tough breaks. When you're eighteen and out on your own, then you will be free to style yourself any way you please. On a side note, you should be careful what you wish for. I have a short buzz cut (military style) and I find that it requires zero maintenance. My best friend who is European has a long, luxurious mane of dark hair that he's forever primping and preening to keep clean, out of his eyes during work and styled in such a manner as to maintain a well groomed appearance. In short (pun intended) long hair can be a royal PIA!

@Zoe - My comparisons, while not apples to apples was meant to make the point that the parents could very well have taken the stance that they did because in their minds they were protecting their son's future.

Quite honestly, I don't dislike long hair at all (I went to see Thor and smiled through the entire lame movie because Chris Hemsworth is so darn cute).

In fact, I had not intended to address the letter. But I could not allow myself to ignore not just one person saying, "It's because your parents don't give a shit about whether you're happy or not. They look at you as property." but others applauding the insane logic. I am with Ms. Davie - that is the dumbest post I have ever read.

@Joyce/MN -- LOL. Yes, I know we'd all be surprised to learn how many NBA/NFL players are in the closet. But I actually wasn't addressing long hair = gay (as someone else BTL noted, the few gay men I know do NOT have long hair and do not like long hair on men, so I have never associated long hair with a man being gay), so much as the whole long hair = effeminate suggestion. An NFL football player could have long hair and be gay, but even if he was gay and totally out of the closet, I doubt anyone would ever accuse him of being effeminate. The gay man who colors my hair, for example, if you saw him walking down the street and didn't know anything about him except for what you could see right there, you would have no idea he was gay, and, in fact, you'd probably assume he isn't, because he is also a body builder, so he looks really macho. He is definitely one of those men who, when a straight woman sees him in a bar and then finds out he's gay, she's disappointed that he "plays for the other team."

As for all those NFL players with long hair -- it drives me crazy, because I often can't read their names on the backs of their jerseys, and I'm not enough of a mega fan to have their numbers memorized. Plus, since it is legal to grab a player by the hair to tackle him (ouch!), I think any football player with long hair is sort of an idiot. But as I'm 5'2 and 120 pounds, I'm not about to tell them that! LOL!

lw1- I worry about this too. I do not use illegal drugs or even drink, nor have I ever had a false positive; however, I know people who have had false positives and the potential employers refused a retest. I would hate to be denied a job or barred from a company over something which is not true. My recommendation is to research what causes false positives and try your best to avoid such drugs and herbs. Poppy seeds and phenergan can cause you to test positive, for opioids and the latter THC. There are plenty of others as well.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

On a more personal note, I was wondering if anyone knows of a natural way to increase fertility? My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a couple of years now, and it has been about five years since we've used any form of protection. I know my husband is fertile cause he got his gf pregnant in high school (miscarriage). I've been tested for problems, and the doctor said my reproductive organs and hormones were fine, but commented that I was extremely irregular in my periods due to my (naturally & genetically) low body weight. He said I was having trouble because of this, but I cannot afford the expensive fertility drugs or procedures, nor am I very keen on them. Is there anything more natural I could do? The doctor had not a clue, but you guys seem to be familiar with herbs so I was hoping someone would know.

Re: sharnee

And on that I totally agree. The whole "pick your battles" thing applies to kids as well and IMO it's a good lesson for them to learn before they turn 18 and realize "holy crap, life really ISN'T fair!"

Incidentally, Apples to Apples is an excellent game. I highly recommend it.

In regards to lw2, I think the parents should just let him grow his hair long. It seems a silly thing to argue about. If the parents were saying "no" to provocative clothes, a tattoo, or something of this nature, I could understand, but arguing over a hair cut seems silly. The kid needs to be given some degree of freedom to express his individuality, and picking a hair cut seems a safe avenue which is not permanent. There are plenty of jobs which will hire a teen with long hair as long as he has it pulled back and well groomed. It's not like he'll be applying for an executive job as a teen, but more likely a fast food job or something of this nature which I have seen hire people who come in wearing blue jeans for interviews. By the time he graduates, he'll have probably gotten sick of managing long hair and cut it, plus it is difficult for a lot of guys to grow hair very long anyways. He may only be able to grow it to his shoulder at best. I have a guy friend who can only grow it shoulder length no matter how hard he tries.

I personally love guys with long hair. I've been trying to get my husband to grow it long for years, but he prefers the "military" hair cut. He had it long in high school, but cut it cause of the high maintenance. Mine goes to the small of my back (always has) and my husband gets sick of the devotion I must put into it before we go out, but he understands. Only people who want long hair REALLY bad put up with the maintenance, so let him grow it long. He'll get sick of it eventually more than likely.

I am only saying you must pick your battles. If you give a kid zero freedom to express themselves, then they will grow up overly sheltered. When they graduate and leave home, they will either go wild with freedom or have no idea how to express themselves. I think the Annies suggestion of striking a compromise is a good one. Perhaps they will be okay with hair down to the chin or something. Or perhaps if you approach them in an adult manner (aka, no whining or yelling... not saying you did this, just don't know how you've approached them) and ask them what you could do to make them willing to allow you to have long hair. If they are not willing to compromise, you truly are stuck until graduation.

Re: Lisa

I agree with you that we cannot change the Annie's minds about menopause. I think they are very defensive for one reason only: they didn't like sex before menopause and this is their excuse to get out of it now. This denial is the only way they can live with themselves for lying to their spouses. They seem RELIEVED that they don't have to deal with sex anymore and assume that most women feel the same, thus giving them an out. They actually seem ANGRY that anyone would disagree with them, a classic sign of denial.

I am 51 and going through the peri-menopause stage. I have always had a good sex drive and don't want to lose it. Much of their preaching was beginning to scare me until I read the comments. I feel that they are doing an EXTREME disservice to their print readers who have no contrasting opinions to read. I have also heard that many women's sex drives INCREASE after menopause due to the freedom from worry about pregnancy and how comfortable they feel about their bodies and sex.

The tone of reprimand to a sex therapist was overblown and completely convinces me of their overall dislike for sex in general. They are defensive if anyone even SUGGESTS that a woman might like sex after menopause. They have ZERO perspective and refuse to accept that other women have different experiences from their own. I think they need to figure out what their hangups are about sex after a certain age and stop giving advice about it until they do.

Re: parents having the "right" to dictate how long their children's hair is -- I notice a number of people defending the parents' behavior, saying they have the right to make him "conform to their standards."


What if their idea of "conforming" was making him grow his hair down to his waist, and tie perfumed ribbons in it? Would you still defend their "right" to make him do that? I think not; you only support the parents because you agree with them in this case about how boys should look.


And believe it or not, I understand. My son is in his twenties now, but when he was a teenager he had shoulder length hair. It looked great but bugged me. I kept my mouth shut though. Personally I think males look better with buzz cuts (not being sarcastic; the military look is a good one for guys of all ages, IMHO). But I didn't enforce my standards on him. He grew up into a wonderful, solid young man. For what it's worth he finally trimmed it, midway through college. But that was his decision. It did him no harm at all to have it longer for several years. Being given a little room to make that decision for himself, perhaps helped him become confident in making other decisions.


The point being, some parental decisions (stopping the kids from underage drinking) are reasonable, but others are simply enforcing prejudices. The "short hair on boys" dictate strikes me as the latter.

Re: parents having the "right" to dictate how long their children's hair is -- I notice a number of people defending the parents' behavior, saying they have the right to make him "conform to their standards."


What if their idea of "conforming" was making him grow his hair down to his waist, and tie perfumed ribbons in it? Would you still defend their "right" to make him do that? I think not; you only support the parents because you agree with them in this case about how boys should look.


And believe it or not, I understand. My son is in his twenties now, but when he was a teenager he had shoulder length hair. It looked great but bugged me. I kept my mouth shut though. Personally I think males look better with buzz cuts (not being sarcastic; the military look is a good one for guys of all ages, IMHO). But I didn't enforce my standards on him. He grew up into a wonderful, solid young man. For what it's worth he finally trimmed it, midway through college. But that was his decision. It did him no harm at all to have it longer for several years. Being given a little room to make that decision for himself, perhaps helped him become confident in making other decisions.


The point being, some parental decisions (stopping the kids from underage drinking) are reasonable, but others are simply enforcing prejudices. The "short hair on boys" dictate strikes me as the latter.

Alexandra: I am not Canadian, have no desire to be either, so I'll have to take your word for it that it's illegal to test any and all of your sacred and perfect countrymen and women for drugs or alcohol while performing a job.

So, you guys potentially have drunk pilots? note to self: don't fly a canadian airline.

re: menopause debate (not targeted at anyone in particular)

I agree that this whole thing is taking on some kind of life of its own. I also think spewing out misleading stuff like "most" or "majority" with regards to this kind of issue is absolutely ridiculous and dangerous.

I'm with the poster who said let's not feed the Annies.

Re: nanchan

Do American airlines test their pilots for drugs and alcohol consumption before each flight?

@sarah morrow -- despite the fact that I told the LW that he would just have to obey his parents' rules, I happen to agree with what you had to say about some parental decisions being reasonable while others are simply enforcing prejudices. And I also happen to agree with everyone who suggested that the parents need to learn to choose their battles and that battling over hair, which is not permanent, is sort of silly.

BUT... since it's the son writing in, not the parents, I addressed the son and suggested he needed to live with this until he could fend for himself, basically. As "silly" as it may seem to some of us that these parents are putting their foot down about the length of the kid's hair (let's face it, some parents would be THRILLED if this was the biggest issue they had with their teen-age son), since there is nothing illegal or dangerous about the parents' insisting on short hair, at the end of the day, the kid is going to have to live with it (though I did like some of the suggestions for ways to try to convince his parents -- but if they don't work, he's back to "you're just going to have to live with it.")

And I do think sharnee does raise some very good points about why a parent might put his or her foot down about hair/appearance. And as a white woman, I also (sadly) agree with Zoe that a white teen-age boy with long hair is less likely to be judged ill by a lost of people than a black teen-age boy (or girl, for that matter) with dreadlocks or an afro or what have you. It's not fair or right, but I think, unfortunately, it is still true. But getting away from the race issue, there is something to be said for teaching kids the fact that people DO judge us by our appearance, and that there are times to stand against that, and there are times to conform with it. And, just as parents need to learn to choose their battles, so, too, do children. A 14-year-old boy might want to save his "battle axe" for something like his curfew for a special event and consider the fact that a parent who has had to say "no" over and over again to long hair is less likely to relent on other stuff, whereas a parent who felt that his/her wishes were being respected in other areas might feel more inclined to agree that the kid was mature enough/responsible enough to warrant special dispensation on other stuff.

Oh Lisa, you so wise!

@Sarah Morrow - Personally, unless there is actual abuse involved that I have seen or become aware of, I would defend a parent's right to parent as they see fit. Period. Regardless of whether or not I disagree. To say that someone doesn't care about their child because they set a rule and for no other reason is beyond my ability to comprehend.

It is late in the day and I'm guessing everybody else is done kicking this topic around. But FWIW, my boy Ben wanted to color his hair when he was an early teen. Not blonde, brunette or redhead -- he wanted fire engine red, or purple, or bright green. I let him do it, and even applied the dye myself a number of times. I feel that my job as his parent is to deliver him into adulthood in the same condition I got him in: no piercings, no tattoos, no mutilations. Hair color, much like length, is not damaging the original merchandise. Hair grows back (or grows long, or grows out). Parents should pick their battles carefully, and this one isn't worth fighting. And now, at almost 19, he has short, professional-looking, naturally blonde hair. He came to the decision himself; the hair color phase only lasted two or three years before he got bored. I am SO glad I never turned that into a point of contention!

@Maria -- I think you are the one who asked about fertility issues. You say that you know your husband is fertile because he got someone pregnant previously. But fertility can change in men, too, for a variety of issues, so if he hasn't already been tested, he should be.

As someone who miscarried three times before giving birth to her first child back in July, I have every sympathy for you, and I just want to say be very, very careful with any recommendations you get related to herbs or other things that your doctor doesn't know about.

In my case, fertility, as we most commonly think of it (the ability to conceive) wasn't the issue. I seemed to conceive without any problem. My problem was carrying beyond the first trimester, and I believe that those first three fetuses weren't viable -- so basically, I could conceive, I just wasn't conceiving something healthy, if that makes sense. What was frustrating about that was that the standard fertility treatments really don't address that problem -- they address the problem of not being able to conceive at all. People who knew what was going on would say, "you should see a fertility specialist," but frankly, the fertility specialists couldn't really help me. In fact, when I wanted to talk to a specialist about things I could do to carry to term, the specialist basically refused to see me when he realized that I don't have a problem with conception -- he only wanted to see me if I needed help conceiving. It felt like he didn't want to see me because he couldn't make the big bucks (think IVF) off me, though in fact I think the real reason may have been that he knew there really wasn't anything he could do for me.

I mention all of this because, on the one hand, it may feel like the doctor isn't offering you alternative fertility treatments/enhancers because he'd rather make the big bucks off of one of the other standard (and more expensive) fertility treatments -- but the reality is probably that you are not going to benefit by any alternative treatments/enhancers because of your specific issues.

So, it's worth asking (and I hope someone else has something for you to explore), but just be sure to do your own research and due diligence, and talk with your doctor about it before trying it!

@Lisa - I think Post #74 is my favorite post of the day.

@Zoe -- you only say that because we agreed! ;)

@sharnee -- Thanks!

Re: Lisa

Well, that helps, LOL!

But you say everything so concisely, calmly, reasonably, and fairly. It is not the first time I've read your posts and thought "damn, she said that beautifully!"

We don't typically disagree but I feel like even if we did we could shrug and go on being pals after, rather than get nasty.

@Maria - to second what Lisa said (post #78 is my second favorite), you really need to find a high-risk OB/GYN or a Maternal-Fetal specialist to do a complete work up and your husband should see his doctor as well. As with Lisa, it is possible that you are able to conceive, but a myriad of other things can impact the ability to sustain a pregnancy. For example, a fertilized egg can't implant for some reason - in which case you are unlike to have ever known that you were pregnant. There could be hundreds of things going on.... in my case I found out about conditions I never imagined existed after I suffered severe complications in one pregnancy and had a late stage miscarriage in another. I found out that I had a blood-clotting disorder that could cause all kinds of complications - from the ability to get pregnant, to the ability to sustain a viable pregnancy.

I don't want to scare you, but the actual process of getting pregnant, implanting, and carrying a baby to term is extremely complex and there are so many factors that it would be wise to seek guidance from a professional.

Good luck!

Re: sharnee
I commend you for your comments. Dress code or self respect is what others view you as--child--student--adult. You may have the desires to trash yourself but don't expect others to have any respect for your attitude, esp when YOU want to be HIRED by THEM.

As a manager of a local grocery store, my son hires and works with students. He (and I do as his mom) are asked--WHY DID THEY NOT HIRE MY KID? Well, depending on how your child presented themselves. First is is NOT my business to tell the parent anything--but when the kid has had opportunity to read the employee handbook and still chooses to apply for positions they will be told NO to or THIS HAS TO CHANGE, and you get attitude--don't ask the potential employer, ASK YOUR KID for the reasons of not conforming to the rules of employement.

All 3 of my kids were totall clean cut, made their hair appointments 4-6 weeks, dressed appropriately (school dress code), had their wardrobe for dress up and church (respecting the fact that the Lord's day was not just another day) and were treated with respect by all--kids and adults. Each held a couple jobs in town at the same time, had work ethics that got them great jobs during college and post. Eldest let his hair grow during the summer before college--when he met his now bride. He quickly cut his long beautiful curls when SHE SAID I DON'T LIKE LONG HAIR ON GUYS. His wife now cuts his hair with the clippers about q 4 weeks. My other 2 sons hair gets to 1 1/2 inch long and they find the barber shop. Son # 3--as part of the grocery industry, do you want unkempt people selling you food you will be eating? Something about that is about as gross as a spitoon on the counter at the cafe.

@Zoe -- I've always been a big believer in the idea that not even the best of friends are going to agree on everything, so we ought to find constructive ways to disagree, so I'm glad that my posts (usually) demonstrate that belief in action. Of course, I'm not perfect, and there are times when I see something that I think is so stupid and/or offensive that I can't help but respond in, let's just say, a less constructive way! So, I suspect you are right, even if we vehemently disagreed on a topic, we'd probably both just say, "well, it takes all kinds..." and happily move on from there. Or at least, I like to think so!

@sharnee -- between you and Zoe, I am so feeling the love today -- thanks!

Do you guys remember gross mat cat I told you about last week? She is doing wonderfully. Still super skinny and pussy (by which I mean, lots of pus, LOL), but so sweet, and not gross and dirty and smelly anymore. She has been constipated for a few days and just pooped out a big ol' turd (hope no one is eating dinner!) and feels much better.

AND we caught a pregnant stray. Actually, a very kind, helpful and concerned member of the community borrowed our trap and caught her. From the sounds of it she is pretty far along so I think we'll have kittens soon. Assuming all goes well we are SO having a kitten party in a month or two!

Oh, and other Mr. Constipated cat who cost about $2200 so far is doing wonderfully. Has pooped every day for weeks.

Anyway, I'm having a good day, and just wanted to share!

Re: nanchan

Yeah, that's exactly what I said, we have pilots drunk on the job. Maybe there are, but that could be true of any citizen of any country in any job on any given day who haven't got caught yet.

Note my second post where I didn't say drug testing can't be done at ALL - just as someone who is driving erratically may be subject to a BAL test, someone who is having issues on the job may be asked to submit to some kind of screening if there is cause to believe it is drug related. But most industries do not require a drug test before employment, or randomly throughout employment - like you don't need to pass a drug test to get a driver's license and cops aren't out there randomly stopping cars to drug test the drivers. Assumed innocence until you give the authority (e.g. your boss) a reason to believe otherwise.

I corrected in my post that it's not really correct to say it's *illegal* to do pre-employment drug screening or random tests but that it's a hot Rights and Freedom issues and it's really not at all as prevalent as in the US. I don't know every industry in the country; Barbara posted above about it not being that rare for jobs in oil sands - maybe that's because of the particular industry, maybe it falls under regulation that's not solely Canadian federal regulation, maybe there's an exception for a particular reason for those jobs (as there are exceptions for the top secret jobs I mentioned in an earlier post).

My real point was in response to tapeoca's "is it more common in the US" question and that is irrefutably, YES. I think you'd be hard pressed to find a single Canadian who had to submit to a pre-employment drug test to get a job in a fast food joint, department store or generic corporate job. Whether it would be legal/moral/whatever for these types of employers to administer drug tests or not, what a huge waste of time and resources that would be. Who the hell cares if the 16 year old stock boy at the supermarket gets high on nights he's not work? If he is high at work, sure that's grounds for termination but administering a drug test isn't really going to prove he was high *at work*. I could maybe see the argument for drug testing in other industries like teaching or nursing, but really what those people on their own time is their business too.

Re: Alexandra

Of course we have drunk pilots here. Didn't you know that a drug test guarantees lifelong sobriety? And that not taking a test guarantees perpetual drunkenness? Gee whiz girl, get with the program! ;) I heard they were talking about installing those breathalyzers that don't let you start your car unless you're sober, but in planes ;) ;)

The thing is, as much as I am in agreement with nanchan at least 9 out of 10 times, whenever I (or in this case, you) disagree or question her she takes it personally and gets very nasty and insulting. It's a shame because I love a good debate... but it's not for everyone.

writing in response to Vermont, the grandparents that maybe "protecting" not favoring grandchildren. I understand that there are children that need protection. BUT, I have 2 grown children, they were in their teens when my sister in law had her one and only son. My mother in law, NEVER, EVER had anything to do with our children, we were married 30 years. I would take them to visit 90 minutes to her house. Not ONCE did she visit my kids. BUT since her daughter has a son, she saw him all the time bought him anything he wanted (probably still does) and the only thing our kids got was money on holidays and birthdays. I told her when she would ask what they needed, " a visit from their grandmother" was my comment. Well tha NEVER happened. Now she is sick and old and our kids never visit, call or write. We are now within a 10 mile radius, since my husband passed away 4 yrs ago unexpectedly, (I found him most likely brain anyurism). Her and my sister in law never once called my husband for anything, well, unless someone died, then it usually went through me. Its sad, but I feel no obligation. Never has she called our kids since their father passed to see how they are or if they needed anything or just to talk. her comment is usually, I dont know what to talk to them about. Keep in mind, they are both college grads, very well read and up to date on current events. Never blame it on the kids, the grandmother is the one who loses, she will never know how great and well adjusted her grandchildren are. For only having 3 grandkids, its very sad. considering the one she loves the most, has more money than a person could spend in a life time.. she will never know anything about her son, how or where he died. I offered, but she won't question. tries to stay out of her kids business.. slightly drepressed and off all meds, her choice. Me, I'm just still trying to accept that I'm a lone and without the man I love.

@Lisa, #85, add me to those sending you kudos. You regularly provide thoughtful comments and even disagreement in an engaging, non-confrontational manner. A good example to us all.

To #16 (I think it was...can't see the comments when I'm posting one)
It probably is an American thing. However invasive as it may feel, a company has the right to want drug-free employees. That said, passing a test is no guarantee. Someone could be clean for the duration, take the test, then get back on drugs. But if someone is a non-drinker and a non-user, could you not call the company and tell them that? If you abstain totally from alcohol and drugs, and were not taking any OTC meds, then there may also be more going on here - go see your doctor.

Re: sharnee
Sharnee, of course a parent has the "right" to parent as he or she sees fit. And a child has the "right" to express his or her identity and creativity. The issue in parenting isn't to become mean and fierce in defending parental rights, but to make sure you're balancing reasonable concerns for a child's well being with his or her needs for self expression.
I could have forced my son to cut his hair. I was tempted, but I didn't. I'm glad now that I didn't. At one point, his father wanted him to go to military school; he could have forced him to do that, and I think he might have, if I hadn't talked him out of it. Parents have the ability to "force" anything they want. Whether or not this is the most human way to parent, or gives them the "right" to enforce totally arbitrary decisions, is another question.
And I noticed you didn't address my question --- would you support a parent who was forcing a boy to grow his hair long and put perfumed ribbons in it? Or does this become "abuse" because it goes against your idea of what a boy should look like, and how long he should wear his hair and what he should wear in it? For that matter, would you "support" a parent who forced a child to wear a military uniform to a non-military school? To cross-dress as the opposite gender? To dress in leather and chains? To wear a ballerina costume to school? What, you wouldn't? Then you're agreeing with me, I think, that there are limits to parental rights.
To make it personal for a moment: my parents forced my oldest brother to do things he didn't want all of his life, including attending a college he didn't want to go to, and studying a field he had no interest in. The experience left him bitter and a drug and alcohol addict. It broke his spirit, and eventually killed him. If they had listened to him even once, and respected what he wanted from life, his life would have been better. They learned that and applied the lesson to their younger kids, but it was too late for him. When parents do arbitrary and stupid things, and enforce rules in a harsh and inflexible way, they may be within their "rights" but that doesn't make it healthy or good. There's a difference between watching out for your child's safety and blocking his or her attempts at expressing who they are.

Re: Yoshi Mama
Congratulations for the upcoming son!

@It's me
"Is it really far fetched to think that, from an evolutionary standpoint,"
No, if we were talking about primitive mammals, for whom reproduction is the be it and all of existence. But precisely from an evolutionary standpoint, there has been some surmising that the disappearance of the rut season in human females (as still exists with most primates), being replaced by a constant readiness to the male, is one of the factors that have allowed human family units to bond for the ever-increasing lenght od time it takes to bring a human offspring to adulthood. Because the female could get pregnant at any time and therefore sex was to be had at any time, it kept the male around.

There have been studies about the role of oxytocin with bonding and romantic attachment. Clearly the sexual act is no longer ONLY related to reproduction in humans, it so it goes to follow that the disappearance (or absence) of reproductive capacity does not automatically signal the end of one's sexual interest. Otherwise, infertile couples would never have anything to say to each other in the bedroom, and all women on the Pill would stop being interested, which is clearly not the case.

@Kate
Thanks for the endorsement! I'd like to get a tummy tuck too. It's the only place where I'm a bit thick - not huge, but gee... when I think of the body I used to have... It's much cheaper in Canada, but I don't have the lousy ten grand and it doesn't look like I'll have it anytime soon either. Aw well. I have health, I still have beauty, although not as much as I used to - could be a lot worse.

@Stacia
When my daughter was 11, she wanted purple highlights. I thought about it and figured I much preferred Kool-Aid or whatever in her hair than a dozen permanent tatoos of the kind that would make her look like a biker girl. She got her purple hair, and she could have shaved like a cue ball if she had wanted to. Hair grows back or can be dyed - I once went chocolate brown for a production and then back ot celtic red again. So you're right, pick your battles.

@Sharnee post #49
Unfair as it is, I do believe that appearance counts more in the case of a visible minority, because stereotypes and prejudice are never far for too many people and can fast rear their ugly heads, occasionally crossing into outright racism. So you cannot be blamed for being extra-careful.

When you are trying to get a job/internship/grant/bursary/whatever kind of advantage, you become the merchandise you're trying to sell. In marketting, the wrapping often cost more than the product, so presentation does matter.

This being stated, when my daughter was that age, I viewed hair as one of the few areas where I could show some flexibility, because most hair styles can be changed quickly.

@Stacia & Sharnee
You're both right, but looking at this from diametrically opposed perspectives. Yes, the two of you are in very different worlds, and that is not a negative comment. All kinds of very, very different worlds exist! That's why the difference is always an enrichment - you may get emotional support from people exactly like you, but you rarely learn anything from them.

@Lisa
We have no way of knowing if LW3 is licensed or accredited in any way, but s/he sure made more sense than the Annies! But then, anyone who's done TEM MINUTES of research would.

@Maria
Are you capable of gaining some weight without endangering your health? If your doctor says your irregular periods are because of your low body weight, I would try that.

Women whose body fat falls below a certain percentage (14%-17% depending) stop mensing. You may want to Google this, but it's an ongoing problem with professional dancers and athletes. In my circle, I have seen a few professional dancers who had to take a two years sabbatical in order to gain weight and get pregnant - in that order.

Re: Lisa and Sharnee,

Thanks, I'll try following up to make sure there are not other hidden problems, and to also see what exactly my doctor checked for with me. I'm not sure if he ruled out any of that kind of stuff. He might've already checked to make sure cause I know he did a whole myriad of tests on me that took several weeks cause I have other pre-existing conditions (not related to my reproductive system) and he wanted to make sure there were no complications, and he said there was no problem and I should carry a baby fine. But since you guys mentioned all this, I would like to know exactly what he was checking for in more depth. I'll be sure to run any herbal remedies by him too.

Re: Lise,

Sadly, no. It is not that it would endanger my health, cause it wouldn't... If anything I would probably be healthier from it. I have tried gaining weight really hard, but it took me ten years to gain a mere six pounds. This is with drinking Ensure and trying my best to space small meals throughout the day so I'll eat more. I weigh 100 lbs at 5'4" and this is the most I've weighed in my whole life. I'm happy cause I can finally shop in the adult section for underwear and pants. It is hard for me to gain weight from a combination of a few pre-existing conditions and genetics. The main condition is the hiatal hernia which makes it hard for me to have an appetite sometimes and I cannot eat a lot of food at one sitting from it or I'll vomit. I think it is mainly genetics though cause my whole family is small. My mother is in her late 40s and weighs a slim 110 lbs. She eats like a trash compactor! I don't think I am going to gain weight anytime soon whether I want to or not.

Re: Maria
Oye, oye, oye.

However... Ensure is designed to provide liquid protein, so it won't be fattening. Just like eating a lot of small meals will not make you gain weight, because you burn it as you ingest it. I know - I have hypoglycemia and nibbling is the way to go for me, although I'm not too good about it. I hate to say this, but... in your case, perhaps it would work: try eating fattening shit just before you go to bed.

I don't know what works with you - I can eat rice and not gain weight, but my friend Sandra would turn into a blimp. Pasta is another story for me, and CHEESE - blimp city, thank God cheese is expensive and I'm too poor to buy it regularly. Some people start losing weight cutting off bread, perhaps YOU can gain with it - or pasta and cheese.

Experiment with different things. You might ant to try McDo, Puzza Hut, Cordon Bleu or Chef Boyardee crapoia... just before going to bed. You don't have to become overweight. Just a few pounds could make a difference.

Good luck! Poor you, I really feel your predicament - although what I had was the opposite problem. Getting pregnant, no problem, just LOOK at the annunciating angel, BANG! Carrying to term and delivering without going through torture? Ooops. Can't have everything, I guess.

@Maria - the reason I know about problems with implantation is because a former co-worker struggled to get pregnant. When she saw a fertility specialist, she found out there was no problem actually conceiving, but her uterine lining was too thin, making it impossible for a fertilized egg to implant. She was prescribed medication to thicken the uterine lining.... now she has a set of twins.

@Joyce - thank you for understanding the point that I was trying to make.


@Sarah Morrow - 1. I don't know if you saw my post several weeks ago, but thanks for the tip on Fish Oil. My son was experiencing issues in school and behavioral outbursts at home. His doctor wanted to give him ADHD medication. I remembered your advice on fish oil and did some research on my own. I gave it a try along with behavioral therapy. Several weeks, he is doing quite well - without medication. His teacher emailed me again recently commending the improvement in his ability to focus. I could see an almost immediate change in his emotional state - from frustration and anger to calm and he is much happier.

2. On the topic of how would I feel if a parent required their son to grow his hair long and wear pink ribbons? Well it depends. If a boy (or girl) has a gender identity issue and feels strongly that they ARE the opposite sex and that child's parent supports his or her decision, then so would I. My heart goes out to both the child and the parent for the emotional anguish such a situation would cause them and I would want to be as compassionate as I can and I would require my children to do the same. They are aloud to feel how they feel - but I would expect their behavior to allow that child and his or her family their dignity just as I would expect them to behave for anyone else.

However, if a parent is forcing a child to bend societal gender standards against that childs whim and it is causing emotional anguish for that child, then I would consider that parent to be abusive and no, I would not support child abuse.

But this LW is not being abused. For all we know, his parents could have given him a range of alternatives but he is simply not satisfied with them. I think your scenario is way different than this situation and parents are allowed to set the boundaries for their children.

When I was in middle school - mid- 80's - all the white girls in my class were jealous of my earrings because their parents would not allow them to get their ears pierced until they were 12 - 14 or so. I thought that was insane, all the black girls I knew had their ears pierced as infants. Earrings in our families were part of the wardrobe, even for children, you simply were finished dressing if they were not on. By that same token, I wasn't allowed to wear make - at all - until I was 15 - and then I could only wear natural shades of lipstick and a little eyeliner. None of my black friends were allowed to wear make-up. Meanwhile, the same 12 y.o. white girls who could not get their ears pierced, wore make-up. To their parents, this was OK. I am not saying this to make it a race thing - it isn't - it is a cultural thing. What you may not think to be a big deal for whatever reason, someone else might. Neither of you is right or wrong and for you to say that a parent who sets such a boundary is wrong is frankly, showing a bit of your own prejudice.

@ Sarah Morrow - PS. I just realized that I neglected to respond to another aspect of your post - "When parents do arbitrary and stupid things, and enforce rules in a harsh and inflexible way, they may be within their "rights" but that doesn't make it healthy or good. There's a difference between watching out for your child's safety and blocking his or her attempts at expressing who they are."

On this, I couldn't agree with you more. I am sorry about what happened to your brother, but when parents are THAT over-bearing in every way, it is oppressive and I do believe that oppression constitutes emotional abuse. Children can be given freedom within defined limits. But again, the LW gave no indication that his parents were over-bearing in any way. He did not say whether or not they forced him to wear only one hairstyle or gave him lots of options within their set guidelines.

Sure parents should set standards - which they will do based on their beliefs/experiences/feelings and then allow children to make decisions within those guidelines. My two year old asked me for a cookie this morning. I told her we don't eat cookies before breakfast, but you can choose a nice snack for dessert after dinner tonight. When she is a teenager - I will set my expectations for what I deem as modest attire - i.e., skirts no more than an inch or so above the knee, no bare midriffs, no visible underwear - but she will be free to express herself by choosing to wear whatever clothing she wants, so long as it fits the standards of decency that I outline. The same goes for my sons. At only 7, they are content to let me buy their clothes for them now, but when they want to take a more active role in picking out their own clothes (I ask them what they want now, but they just shrug and say "you pick"), I will set the standards for what is and is not acceptable and they are free to express themselves within those boundaries. I care about my children's feelings and I want them to be happy and feel good about themselves. I also think that when they make decisions, they need to be able to learn to suffer the consequences for these decisions - when the ramifications are minor.

However, dress and grooming is not a minor consideration from my perspective - I was in AP classes from 6th grade through graduation. Every single year, there was only one or two other black children in my classes and some years I was the only one. Sadly, there are still very few black students in AP and gifted programs in my area today - especially boys. AP is highly competitive and political in my area because space in these programs are limited. My son will be eligible for GT when he reaches 4th grade and he is clearly gifted - so I am willing to follow the protocol - including lots of involvement on my part in school (volunteering, PTA, etc), staying very friendly with teachers and letting them as well as school adminstrators come to know me as an involved parent, and requiring my children to demonstrate good manners, self-discipline, and sending them to school well groomed. Academically, I don't have to do much, he is already well above grade level and a strong self-starter. I will give the teachers and administrators who recommend and make the final decisions regarding placement, no opportunity to exclude him. If he gets placed and puts forth his best effort but finds AP too difficult will I force him to stay? No way. If he doesn't get in, will I blame him? Not at all. BUT - I want to teach him what it takes - including appearance - for him to be successful in life.

This is for the young man who wonders why can't boys grow hair as long as girls can. There are plenty of girls who wish they could walk around without a shirt on like boys can. Just be content where you're at. And besides, the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Long hair can be a pain to take care of. Hope this helps.

@ Lise Brouillette

"Ensure is designed to provide liquid protein, so it won't be fattening. Just like eating a lot of small meals will not make you gain weight, because you burn it as you ingest it. I know..."

Please do your research or defer to someone who actually knows what he or she is talking about before dispensing dietary advice. Proponents of eating five or six meals a day argue that eating smaller meals more frequently causes weight loss by increasing your metabolism. It is a MYTH that weight loss can be achieved by breaking up how much you eat in a day into more meals. Duh! Simply put, 2000 calories divided by three or divided by six still equals 2000 calories. There is no magic number of meals to eat or combination of food that will make you lose weight. Most nutritionists agree that you shouldn't go many hours between meals, but this doesn't mean that you should engage in mindless snacking or force yourself to eat five or six full meals either. The bottom line is that if you want to lose weight than you have to burn more calories than you consume. Period!

Re: Chris

Just for the record, hypoglycemics could be compared to cars with a very small tank who need to refuel constantly. This has nothing to do with weight control, and the caloric intake/expense ratio still holds - it's not the number of meals that determines whether you gain or lose, it's what you put in them as opposed to your level of activity. In general - there are special cases.

And, while I haven't conducted a chemical analysis on Ensure myself, it is my understanding that pretty much all meal replacements on the market are low fat or fat-free liquid protein - nobody's gaining weight ingesting that. They're better suited to a hypoglycemic like me than to someone who's trying to gain weight, and I would use them of they weren't so sweet and chemical tasting - bleah.

My mention of that was only meant as a passing reference, not as a blueprint to handle obesity OR hypoglycemia, so you can sheath your bloody sword and take your attack and shove it.

P.S.: You keep accusing me of personal attacks against you, but when I engage you, it is to address one of your points with another point - like I just did. For you to clearly infer that I don't know what I'm talking about IS a personal attack - that wasn't necessary, as it brings nothing to any argument. Projecting much? You're a fine one to talk.

@ Lise Brouillette

"For you to clearly infer that I don't know what I'm talking about IS a personal attack - that wasn't necessary, as it brings nothing to any argument. Projecting much?"

Ah, yes. You're just the poor unfortunate victim. As usual. You're such a hypocrite it's unbelievable! You get to lob personal attacks right and left but god forbid if anyone should dare to call you out on it. You think you rule this roost. The record clearly shows you always fire the first salvo so don't try to claim otherwise. As far as I'm concerned, you can drop dead bitch. I've got your number. If you want my so called "attacks" to stop then all you have to do is to stop reading my posts. Got it? Otherwise, I'll feel free to return fire in any way I please.

@Chris - I am not trying to get in the middle of your disagreement with Lise, but really? Aren't you better than this: "As far as I'm concerned, you can drop dead bitch." That serves no purpose and does not represent you well. I think you are better than that, and you can show it by sticking to your point while at the same time apologizing to her for such uncalledfor language.

Re: Alexandra
Don't come to Alberta where many many positions are deemed safety sensitive. Some dork working above my head with a heavy tool or someone I need to rely on is a risk and I want him or her tested......Too many bar stars around for me. They would smoke and use all day if they could......If someone is clean they should not fear a D&A test.....False positives are fiction. Some crappy companies use instant oral fluid tests.They don't work...Accredited SAMSHA lab based testing is the best....Gas chromatography does not lie. Medical Review Officers (Doctors) are a must not just some untrained person looking at a result. Go to reputable drug testing company.

Re: Salty

I am skeptical when someone says they are clean and fail a drug test.......Right ! I heard that line before............Bottom line drug testing works when it is done right. Random testing eliminates someone cleaning out and then resuming busing drugs. The person should have been speaking with the testing company's doctor. He would determine if the person was on some other medications. Part of the sample should go to a lab.

Re: Chris

What you call a "personal attack" is the minute someone doesn't agree with you, even if they're perfectly polite. You've been this way with other posters too. If I had wanted to get personal with you, I would have told to shove it where it's a busy place - since we all know where you lean. I didn't. For you to get rude and crude is only proving my point.

LW1: Why don't you pay for your own drug testing? That way you get the results and you can find out the answer to your question.

LW2: A 14 year old boy who wants really long hair and is mad that girls get to have it? Hmm. You should listen to your parents. Could save your life.

LW3: Don't you know the Annies are experts in sex? How dare you question them! LOL - It was nice of you to take the time to try and correct the Annies but it's wasted on them.

I wonder what LW2's parents would say if one of their daughters decided to get a short haircut. Anyway, long hair shouldn't be a problem in the workplace as long as he keeps it in a ponytail, unless the environment is more casual. If he keeps it clean, showers daily, uses deodorant, etc., he shouldn't have any problems.

LW1
The company in the original case may or may not have a dysfunctional system for choosing prospective employees. Your position is clearly to protect yourself in future situations, so do ask your pharmacist and doctor for advice.
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