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Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Drug-Dealing Bipolar Parents Seek Full-Time Sitter
Dear Annie: My brother lives 100 miles away from his job. He says he has a good job, but our family strongly suspects he is dealing drugs again. He has two children with an ex-girlfriend who is bipolar and not taking her medication.
The children had a weeklong break from school, and my brother left them with the ex-girlfriend's sister. She is a single mother with eight children of her own. She is also lazy and nasty. When I visited the kids, all the children came outside. One teenage child smelled strongly of marijuana. Another had crusting body sores all over. My niece told me there was dog poop on the boys' bedroom floor, and I could see clothes piled up to the windows.
My brother left his children in this same home a year ago, and when my family found out, we threatened to call Child Protective Services. He promised to get them out of that horrid environment and begged us to give him time. When I saw that the kids were back in that house and that nothing had changed, I called the police.
Afterward, my brother phoned, angry that I'd called the authorities before speaking to him. He said he'd inspected the house prior to sending the kids there and was assured it was being cleaned up. Annie, I don't believe him. He has a history of dealing and using drugs. He's a liar and a manipulator. Meanwhile, the police did nothing, and now my brother won't speak to me. Even my niece is angry.
I'm beginning to feel I did the wrong thing. How do I fix this? — Hurt in California
Dear Hurt: You did nothing wrong. Your brother cannot be trusted, and the mother of these children is not capable of caring for them. Everyone may be doing the best they can, but it is simply not adequate. Could you or someone in your family take these children into your home? Your brother might be relieved to know they are with a responsible caregiver. Or, if you still feel the children are in danger, report the conditions anonymously to Child Protective Services and ask them to investigate. If the situation warrants the children's removal from the home, they will handle it.
Dear Annie: Two years ago, some dear friends got married. We threw them an engagement party at our home and purchased a lovely gift for their wedding. We also offered the use of our home as a "staging area" for the wedding and reception. Due to a family emergency at the last minute, we were unable to attend the wedding.
We never received a thank-you note for our gift, not to mention our support. There wasn't even a verbal acknowledgement of our help. I'm offended, but I know there's no comfortable way to broach the subject. Any advice? — Ohio
Dear Ohio: Is it possible your friends sent you a thank-you note that was lost? Could the gift or card have been misplaced? Otherwise, we despair of such poor manners and lack of appreciation. Since this still bothers you, it may help repair the friendship if you speak up. Here are the words: "Did you ever receive the crystal bowl we sent for your wedding? We never heard from you and worry that it was lost in transit." We hope they use the opportunity to thank you profusely.
Dear Annie: "Road Worrier" should check to see whether her state has a Drivers Safety Division. Some have forms online to recommend that a particular driver be tested. Of course, valid reasons have to be stated. The driver in question is then summoned to take a driving test. I had to do this for my father. — Been Down hat Road
Dear Been: Concerned friends and relatives can look online or check their state DMV, local police or department of transportation to see whether such forms are available.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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43 Comments | Post Comment
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A liar and minipulator by trade should not have a 2nd chance where his children are concerned. Get them out of that situation before you have a funeral to go to. Someone into the drug scene have only one person they are concerned with. And it does not involve precious children.
Do what you can and WHO CARES if brother dearest gets angry and refuses to speak to you. The children are the ones who need you, not him. Do it NOW.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many insurance companies have an ongoing class every 3 years that must be met to maintain good standing with them post 55 years of age. Some places call it 55 ALIVE, others just a refresher class.
This give opportunity for the agent to physically see his/her clients in a social setting, maybe observe abilities, inabilites that should be followed. Each instructor is different. A generic class is offered locally at a fee but that person just teaches. My agent does the classes, offers light supper along with the class. My neighbor went last night for the first time. She took the generic before. I took it last year. Big difference is the instructors she said.
Those who refuse to take the classes are tagged and often called upon by the agent instead of doing business over the phone. It is their business if SO AND SO is insured, had a license all their life and you find out they are as blind as a bat. To be deaf, it is not illegal to hold a driver's license. But blind has other connotations.
~~~~~~~~~
So check with your state department of public safety, state highway patrol or your local sheriff and police departments. They may be able to help you more than you know.
Another reassuring note is the frequency we must all renew our licenses. The eye testing must be passed--you use the machine to read--and if anyone has vision issues, it will be caught there as well.
Mine should be coming up soon, I had lasix surgery to NOT wear glasses anymore and had to go through all the same things. Even tho the eye surgeon filled all the legal paper work out--I still had to retest at the driver's license division.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Joyce/MN
Fri Feb 3, 2012 9:22 PM
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LW2 - The Annies suggested something you can say, but it won't work if they know you know they received your gift. They may have forgotten to include you if you weren't present at the wedding, but I'm even more bothered that they did not thank you verbally for your help. I was on the flip side of this - a relatively new friend asked me to help her decorate her wedding reception room the night before, and then have a girls night and get dressed together the next day for her wedding. Well, I ended up staying up until 5 am creating her seating plan, and setting up the entire hall the next day after the ceremony and before the reception. I did receive a thanks but it was very quick and in passing, and while I was at her home slaving away I was not even offered water - when I got hungry I just had to walk to Tim Horton's and buy my own snack. There was never really a way I could word it to say "I'm annoyed that you weren't more thankful" without sounding like a huge pain myself, so I never did broach the subject.
The question is, really, do you think she is grateful? Will she remember what you've done? Would she do the same for you? If she acts like a thankful person, appreciative of your help and friendship, whether or not she articulates the actual words "thank you" isn't all that important. I assume she is an otherwise wonderful person to be considered a "dear friend". Some people just suck at social graces, especially when weddings are involved.
But if she acts like she doesn't care and is not appreciative, then maybe she is not as dear a friend as you would like her to be.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Zoe
Fri Feb 3, 2012 10:04 PM
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LW1: One wonders why you didn't take both kids out of that environment IMMEDIATELY and take them back to your own home.
At any rate, this is definately the time to call in for extra help. Many states have 2-1-1, which is partially funded by the United Way. They provide a sort of liason between the different social services available in the area (including CPS, TANFF), both those funded by the government and those funded by other sources (in my area, they also work with local churches).
LW2: So, let me get this right. All of this happened two years ago? Have you seen these friends since the wedding? Have you been holding a grudge all this time? While I completely agree that your "dear friends" should have sent a thank you note at the very least (taking you out to dinner and/or sending you a gift for the use of your home should have happened), if you are still focusing and festering about this two years later, then you have issues of your own. Speak up now: it is, as the Annies say, entirely possible that a thank you card was lost in the mail.
LW3: Interesting information.
Comment: #3
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Feb 4, 2012 2:52 AM
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LW2 - I don't see how hinting for a thank you 2 years later and your friends saying, "oh, yeah, thanks, it was the most wonderful whatever-gift-you-gave-us ever" really changes anything. They still didn't spontaneously thank the LW for using their home & for their wedding gift, which seems to be what they were looking for. I think the LW has 2 choices. One is to actually talk to their "dear friends" and say, "we felt sad/angry/unappreciated/hurt/whatever that you didn't thank us for letting you use our home or for our wedding gift." and see what they say. The 2nd choice is to just accept that these are people who don't say thank you, adjust their expectations of them in line with that, and quit stewing about it. I hope since these are such "dear friends", the LW can actually say what's in their heart about the situation. I think Annie's advice is too passive/aggressive and if the LW is going to say anything, s/he might as well be clear about s/he is talking about.
Comment: #4
Posted by: kai archie
Sat Feb 4, 2012 4:10 AM
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Re: nanchan-'LW1: One wonders why you didn't take both kids out of that environment IMMEDIATELY and take them back to your own home.'
since the children were put there by their parent, if you remove them without permission from the authorities, you could be charged with kidnapping. i don't know if crossing state lines would be involved, but if you do, that makes it even worse.
Comment: #5
Posted by: alien07110
Sat Feb 4, 2012 5:06 AM
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LW1--"Meanwhile, the police did nothing, and now my brother won't speak to me." Um, duh! What exactly did you think you would accomplish? Your brother is irresponsible, so is his girlfriend and obviously so is her sister. So are the parents of millions of inner-city kids who are in exactly the same circumstances. What you want to do is put a gun to your brother's head and force him to clean up his act, get an honest job, marry a nice woman, and move out to suburban middle-America where the children will grow up to be doctors and lawyers and everyone will live happily every after. Sorry, but sometimes life isn't picture perfect. If you truly want to help your brother's children, then you will adopt them yourself. Otherwise there's not much else you can do but repeatedly contact the authorities each and every time your brother's children are put in filth or neglected. But, as you've discovered, that often alienates you from the children further and diminishes your ability to REALLY help them. Think about that before you make another move.
LW2--Once again, someone who doesn't understand gifts or charity. Did you invest yourself so heavily in your "dear" friends' wedding because you loved them and truly wanted to give your all to ensure their day was perfect, or were you simply hoping to be heaped with thanks and heralded by all as the hero of the day? My take is that you're a bit of a drama queen. You made your friends' wedding all about you and then added the icing to the wedding cake by making a dramatic exit on the big day due to a family emergency. Now you're wondering why your "friends" are nowhere to be found. I suggest that you reflect long and hard on your motives and your actions leading up to and at the wedding before you broach the subject of 'Thank Yous' with your friends.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Chris
Sat Feb 4, 2012 6:33 AM
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LW1: Children with open sores, smelling of marijuana, living in a home filled with excrement, really is something that should be taken care of by whatever your state calls the Child Protective Services unit. It may be that you should have called them in the first place, not the police. Certainly doesn't hurt to try again with CPS.
Frankly, were it my brother, and in this situation, I would have been angry right back: "you told me a year ago it would be taken care of, you were the one who dropped the ball on this, and I told you THEN what would happen if you didn't take care of it. Don't get mad at ME for your failing. You clean up your act, and I'll help out, but until then, any time I see children in danger, I'm going to take action. And if you were any kind of a man and a father, you wouldn't be yelling at me, you'd be protecting those children."
See, in my mind, you gave the polite warning the first time, a year ago. You followed through on your word; he didn't.
Unless you think there's some chance you can stay connected and help those children by getting back in his good graces. Otherwise, there are times when it's entirely appropriate to be blunt and call the situation for what it is: his failing, his problem, his lack of following through on his word.
But... remember, your legal rights to helping other people's children are severely limited. Calling CPS is about all you can do in the current situation.
LW2: It's unclear to me if you've been speaking with these friends over the past two years. Have you? And have you been pretending that your friendship is fine while inwardly seething about the lack of gratitude? I think that's a bit odd, to be honest, especially if these friends are as good as you say they are.
Clear the air or try to find a way to get over it; in the grand scheme of things, forgetting a thank you note pales in comparison to the kind of real support that true friends can provide.
However -- if this is just the latest in a long line of snubs from these people -- then they really aren't very good friends after all.
LW3: Every state has their own way of dealing with this issue (but some states don't have much in place at all). It's good to investigate your options.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Mike H
Sat Feb 4, 2012 7:12 AM
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I'm always baffled at those of you who feel that someone who wants to be appreciated for letting them use their house during a wedding or whatever is being immature.
Granted, two years is a long time to wait, that part I don't get. But I think it's perfectly fine to want to be appreciated, especially in light of the fact that they had an emergency and couldn't make the wedding.
It's just good manners and consideration; I couldn't fathom not thanking someone for helping me with my wedding.
Comment: #8
Posted by: jar8818
Sat Feb 4, 2012 7:21 AM
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LW2: Another letter from someone whining about not getting a thank you for something you did? Please!!! I do acts of kindness for people all the time. If I get a verbal or written thank you from them I appreciate it. If I don't I sure don't stress over it. I do these things because I want to be nice and to help a person. I don't do it so I can have accolades or gratitude from the other person.
Luke 6:35 Tells us this: But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.
Notice the part about "and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again."
I enjoy helping people. I enjoy doing good things for them. I have spent a lot of time and money doing for others because I want to, not because I expect something in return. A thank you from someone is just an added bonus.
As for LW1, PLEASE get those children out of there ASAP. Make phone calls to the authorities and keep making them until something is done.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Carol
Sat Feb 4, 2012 8:13 AM
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Re: alien07110
That is a good point. However, I don't think I'd be too concerned if I had been the LW. There are ways of getting those kids out of the house without making people think she was kidnapping them. How about a calm "Hey, Sister of my brother's girlfriend, my family and I were planning some stuff to do over the next few days and were wondering if the kids could stay with us we'd love to have them!" or even a "Sister of my brother's girlfriend, looks like you have your hands full over here, why don't we take niece and nephew off your hands". I have a hard time thinking a lazy person described by the LW would be begging to have them stay.
Comment: #10
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Feb 4, 2012 8:31 AM
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Re: Carol
Fantastic post and well timed! I completely agree and I'm always baffled at those who feel that gratitude is some kind of reward for good works or gift. Isn't giving the present or favor in and of itself reward enough? That being said, I send thank yous out all the time because it makes ME feel good to make someone else know I appreciated the effort. again, thank you for a fantastic post!
Comment: #11
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Feb 4, 2012 8:38 AM
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nanchan, Thanks!! I am always nervous about posting because you never know when someone will go off on you. But I just get so tired of the "I didn't get a thank you" whining. Geesh.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Carol
Sat Feb 4, 2012 9:11 AM
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OK, after the Annies actually gave some good advice yesterday, I had hope. But their response to LW1 clearly shows they have lost it. "Everyone may be doing the best they can"? Sorry Annies, but if their "best" includes not taking medication for a serious mental illness, allowing minors to smoke illegal substances in the house, filth and possible animal neglect (healthy adult dogs have a natural instinct to avoid pooping in a house unless they are desperate), possible drug dealing, poor choices, nastiness and laziness, and an adult to child ratio that not even a daycare would tolerate, then their "best" isn't good encough, is it. And their advice to see if the LW can take the kids in? Seriously? All 10 of them? And does she think her bother and the mother of 8 is really going to just hand them over? I give up. This is the last time I read the Annies. It's just gotten too dumb and unrealistic.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Jane
Sat Feb 4, 2012 9:14 AM
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Re: Carol
You're most welcome :). As for being nervous to post here, please don't be. You wrote a great post and it would be wonderful to hear more from you!
Comment: #14
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Feb 4, 2012 9:47 AM
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LW1 - Do what you've been advised. Call CPS tell them everything you know. Give them you contact info and address so they know you are upfront and then if your brother fu....messes up again you go get the kids and let CPS know you have them and DO NOT communicate with your brother after that.
LW2 - You know what? I don't believe you. Maybe the TY for the gift was not sent or got lost but I just do not believe that after the engagement party they both just said, "Hey nice party" and left. I just can't believe that. If it is true than you're hangin with a low class crowd. Think about it.
LW3 - Someitmes when it gets to the point of going through all this after talkin, cajoling, etc all ou can do is take away their keys. Serisoulsy. Had to do that to a friend's mother. We just stole her keys. Had no choice. She was going to kill herself and take other people out with when she was driving her Ford Explorer.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Rick
Sat Feb 4, 2012 10:53 AM
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LW2 - I also have a hard time with the complaint over something from two years prior...This complain reminds me someone I was unfortunately exposed to.
I was once tainted by a so-called friend who had the "Me Me ME" mindset. She would often run to the bat to be the "one" who would throw everyone a party. (She even threw parties for people she bad-mouthed!) I initially assumed this was out of the kindness of her heart but it did not take long for the debris - that was covering the view - to brush away. She was the typical Narcissist who constantly strived for gratification and never ending barrage of thank yous. She got into a spat with another friend and never once did she take responsibilty for her shady behavior that caused the rift. She merely went on and ON....and ON about how she did this for her, and she did that. Her attitude erased all of the good that some of us saw in her. Lesson learned. There are people who do things out of the kindness of their heart (like Carol up above)....People who do not need to throw their good deeds in one's face as a form of leverage. Then there are just those who really are vile inside and use the good gestures as a disguise.....
I am trying to determine which category the LW falls in.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Texas Girl
Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:05 PM
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Re: Chris
You know, Chris, I usually agree with you wholeheartedly when it comes to gifts and expectations of gifts and/or elaborate thank-you notes. I do not agree with you today, however. LW2 is not expecting gifts and I don't think she would be writing in if she had received a heartfelt verbal thank you. The point isn't always that one "expects" something with regard to gifts; sometimes a person just wants a show of gratitude and that is not wrong. It's how society works. You give me something, I express my gratitude. The form of it does not really matter (note, letter, card, verbal) but it's normal for a person to want to know that what they did or gave was appreciated.
And having a family emergency is being a drama queen? That's a bit of an assumption.
Re: Carol
You throw engagement parties for friends "all the time"? What LW2 did for her friend is not a small thing. I disagree that she should have spent 2 years being sore about this but it is not wrong to want to be thanked for what she did. If someone doesn't thank me if I hold open a door or buy their lunch, whatever. But if I throw a party for their engagement, yeah, I want a thank you. It's how society works! A proper show of gratitude is like chewing with your mouth closed: is it hurting anyone if you don't do it? No... But is it proper in a functioning, empathetic, polite society? Yes!
Re: Texas Girl
You're right, it is possible that LW2 only does nice things to get the reward of many "thank yous" but I don't see anything to indicate that this is likely to be the case. Maybe it's because I did something similar for a friend (not a dear friend, just a friend) last year and also felt somehow offended that I am more sympathetic. I am also a generally helpful person who will gladly lend a hand, do research, loan money, when my friends and family need or request it of me, and I don't do nice things to get thank yous. But when you do something nice and you don't feel that the person appreciates what you've done and is thankful, it takes away the nice feelings of having done something kind. Trust me, I don't WANT to give/loan my hard earned money. I don't WANT to help paint houses. I want to do it because I want to help but if the person acts like "yeah whatever" about it, I have to wonder how much they even care, and if they don't, why would I even bother the next time.
Humans are hard-wired this way and there is no such thing as a truly selfless act, because the brain rewards you. In old, old, OLD times we would do things for others not because it was out of the kindness of our hearts, but because there was the expectation that it would be reciprocated at some point. A show of gratitude was a way of saying "I owe you one" - you scratch my back, I scratch yours.
How Stuff Works wrote a great article on altruism - for those interested, google "is there such a thing as a truly selfless act".
Comment: #17
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:24 PM
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Re: Zoe
I know exactly what you mean. I love to help others and there have been times that I was not thanked for it. I chose to write it off as they were under duress and a thank you was the furthest thing from their distraunt / anxious mind. I just cannot fathom stewing over this slight for two years.
Doubt divides people and I have definitely learned the hard way that it is best to just express how you feel or ask questions right away. Truth be told, we never know what another is thinking or feeling.
I tend to be a profuse "thanker". Perhaps I even over-do it because I never want anyone to feel slighted for their thoughfulness.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Texas Girl
Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:43 PM
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Re: Texas Girl
I also thank way too much. I embarrass my husband at restaurants because I think the waitress every single time she comes to the table to bring stuff, ask we're doing, etc. I don't even notice I'm doing it, though...
I really think that after 2 years, LW2 needs to decide if her friend is a good friend and forgot to say thank you, or if she really doesn't appreciate the help. if the former, forgiveness and getting on with her life is in order. If the latter, she should reevaluate the friendship. It's too late to say anything. If someone came to me two years after the fact I would probably feel really bad but also wonder if my friend was an idiot. LW2 may, however, not have been stewing for two years. It may have been something at the back of her mind that she thought of occasionally and thought she would get over in time, and for some reason has not.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:49 PM
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@ Zoe
It's okay that we disagree with regards to LW1. I based my interpretation of the LW as a drama queen based on several things. First, the fact that the wedding happened two years ago and she's still dwelling on the fact that her dear friends never thanked her. She's STILL making it all about her! Secondly, if you read the letter, the LW dwells on all the things she did: the lovely gift, the offering up of her home for a staging area. What I'm hearing is that she dominated the wedding planning by peppering the bridal couple with her suggestions and her ideas. Then, at the last minute she dashes out due to a family emergency. We can only imagine what kind of scene she might have made when she made her grand exit. How do you think all this went over with the wedding couple? While it's rude of them not to send even a token 'thank you', I can see how they simply want to forget it.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Chris
Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:54 PM
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Re: Texas Girl
What a great post!
I have a sister like your friend: I call her "Julie McCoy, your Cruise Director" because every family event becomes about her agenda more than about what anyone else wants. If she doesn't get praise, she freaks out. Mom's birthday was a full on drama because she didn't feel appreciated and melted down in the kitchen. Well, part of the problem was she never ASKED what anybody would want, not even our Mom! She did things HER way and expected all of us to just be soooo grateful. After talking to her coworkers, I found she was doing the same thing at work. Her one close friend buys into the whole thing: I just moved away and try to stay out of her needs as much as I can. And I hate family functions as a result.
Thank YOU for a great post!
Comment: #21
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:55 PM
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Re: Zoe
LOL @ the thanking the waitstaff. I too do the same thing! I used to be a waitress so, I appreciate the hard work entailled. My sister and I both have this "thank you" thing I have recently declared to be a problem. When we do something and someone thanks us, we thank them! I am not sure why we have been hard wired to be such generous thankers but I guess it is much better than being the opposite.
I hope the LW will receive some sort of peace about the faux pas of her friend. If she has been a profuse thanker about everything else, it surely was a mishap. If she is just ungrateful period, I would just move on. There are too many awesome people in this world to fret over one who just does not appreciate.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Texas Girl
Sat Feb 4, 2012 1:00 PM
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Re: nanchan
Thank you!!
I feel your pain about your sister. When it is family, it is definitely hard to escape the ME ME ME drama!
It is unfortunate that people have to make a special occasion about themselves. They tarnish what is supposed to be a good time into something ugly and childish. I feel that people who behave this way are extrememly insecure. It is sad, really - but after a while it is just....exhausting!
The Party Planning (Ex) friend was definitely one of the biggest examples of Narcissism I have encountered. I am elated I managed to wiggle out from beneath her thumb!
Comment: #23
Posted by: Texas Girl
Sat Feb 4, 2012 1:09 PM
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PS: to all the over thankers out there (including myself)....
We can't thank for other people. My best friend and her husband always tell me that, and that's what I try to remember. And just like we can't thank for other people, we shouldn't exect them to do what we do.
People are individuals... and this is one battle (the "I need a thank you you person you!" battle) that I dont' think is worth losing sleep over.
Someone once said "resentment rusts the soul".... that's kind of how I try to deal with things athough, I'm not always successful.
Comment: #24
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Feb 4, 2012 2:06 PM
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LW1-
Anonymously, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, after she called the cops on him, he's not gonna know right away who the "anonymous' pidgeon is? Right.
I don't suggest she take the children in. As much as they would need it, the LW needs the brother and the crazy mother hovering and as a permanent fixture in her life like she needs a brick wall on her feet. Because of that, the children actually stand a better chance of finding stability with someone completely outside of the situation.
As for calling CPS... someone else is bound to notice something and call them eventually, and the minute they do, you'll be the one blamed anyway, so you might as well deserve it.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Feb 4, 2012 4:34 PM
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Zoe:
I agree with your post #17. Why I do is because even God knows we need rewards. Here are two verses that stand out to me:
Hebrews 11:6-Moreover, without faith it is impossible to please [him] well, for he that approaches God must believe that he is and that he becomes the REWARDER of those earnestly seeking him.
Hebrews 11:24-26-By faith Moses, when grown up, refused to be called the son of the daughter of Pharaoh, choosing to be ill-treated with the people of God rather than to have the temporary enjoyment of sin, because he esteemed the reproach of the Christ as riches greater than the treasures of Egypt; for he looked INTENTLY TOWARD THE PAYMENT OF THE REWARD.
Hebrews 12:2-as we look intently at the Chief Agent and Perfecter of our faith, Jesus. For the JOY (or reward) that was set before him he endured a torture stake, despising shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. (Capitals mine.)
Aren't those interesting? My son brought up this very point once and this is how I answered him. We do want to have the proper motive, of course, but we're only human. Even Jesus looked forward to his reward.
My two cents for today.
Comment: #26
Posted by: jar8818
Sat Feb 4, 2012 5:25 PM
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nanchan, see post #17. This is exactly why I don't post.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Carol
Sat Feb 4, 2012 8:51 PM
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Re: Carol
Are you serious? You don't post because someone might POLITELY DISAGREE with you?? I guess if you consider a respectful counter-argument to be "going off on you", then I suppose I should welcome you to the internet. I assume it is your first day here.
But surely, none of what you said was much more rude and aggressive than what I said, right? Oh, wait:
'Another letter from someone whining about not getting a thank you for something you did? Please!!!... But I just get so tired of the "I didn't get a thank you" whining. Geesh.'
Honestly, Carol. I partially disagreed with you. Get a grip or go have a conversation with a rock or a mirror or something you can guarantee will never disagree with you. God forbid.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Zoe
Sat Feb 4, 2012 10:54 PM
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Actually Zoe, I have been on many forums over the years and I have seen this kind of thing happen time and time again. I have read a lot of it on here. Frankly, I don't have the time or the desire to trade barbs back and forth with someone. Many of the posts I enjoy, yours included. But reading some of them is what has made me gun shy about posting.
Thanks for the constructive criticism. You did make at least one good point. But this is all I am saying now.
Comment: #29
Posted by: Carol
Sat Feb 4, 2012 11:08 PM
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Re: Carol
I understand. I hate to see people browbeaten into not posting... Lord knows that in the last week, I have been the target of attacks here.
And Zoe? I like reading your posts for the most part, but you did NOT treat Carol with respect in your post, IN MY OPINION. You were confrontational towards a poster who had already made it clear that she was gun shy to post (especially in your post 28).
You have a wicked sense of humor, and I love most of what you write. But with that sense of humor apparently comes a sharp wit that can cut. I don't care if you badger me, I'm not going to go away. But it's pretty insensitive of you to attack a poster who has already made her position clear.
Comment: #30
Posted by: nanchan
Sun Feb 5, 2012 6:02 AM
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LW1: I am not for abandoning family and friends who need help but those who have been offered help and given chances but blew it need 'tough love'. LW1's brother has confirmed by his behavior that he is not to be trusted. S(he) should take whatever necessary steps to help protect the children. She should not worry about her niece's anger. Children are too young to know reality.
LW2: Agree with Carol's comment. Acts of kindness are just that and they get returned in different ways. Here LW2 is complaining regarding thank you's and when I do a thing for someone its my family which cribs about the receiver's thanklessness. My reply is always that God lets no good act goes waste. If not here then hereafter it will be returned.
Comment: #31
Posted by: surefoot
Sun Feb 5, 2012 6:31 AM
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@nanchan, you wouldn't be a target of anything if you actually practiced what you preach and treated other commenters with the respect you keep complaining that *other* commenters don't show. You kind of keep glossing over that part of the issue, and people notice that. You aren't a martyr or a victim of anything other than your own sharp tongue and snide remarks.
Sometimes leading by example is far more powerful than your current "do what I say, not what I do" strategy.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Feb 5, 2012 8:19 AM
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Mike: please read the above post.
I have never attacked anyone here in the way I've been attacked this last week. I don't read Lise's posts, I do however find them horribly distracting because she responds to EVERY post and I have to scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll, which was the point of my comment on another thread.
Your point is taken and I'm working on it. I find it interesting though that you would side with people who have called me ugly (without knowing what I look like) and all sorts of ugly things. Says a lot more about you than anythng else you write.
Comment: #33
Posted by: nanchan
Sun Feb 5, 2012 8:56 AM
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@nanchan, I'm afraid that "attacks are in the eye of the beholder". I would completely disagree that you've "never attacked anyone here in the way" that you yourself feel you've been attacked; and, frankly, there's plenty of evidence in the archives to support my opinion on this.
I think, perhaps, you are far harder on other people and a little too easy on yourself in such a comparison. Something else you might want to think about, if you are sincere about taking my point. We can always find rationalizations for our own behavior, and maybe you're too quick to excuse your own sharp posts as "justified" while also too quickly accusing other sharp posters of being "unjustified".
So it's not the attacks on you that I'm siding "with", nanchan. It's your hypocrisy that I'm siding "against". You've lost a lot of credibility in your complaints about anybody else's comments or posting style, because of things you yourself have said and the way you've said them over the past few weeks and months.
You used to be a poster that many people enjoyed reading. That doesn't seem to be the case for a growing number of people, regulars and newcomers. That in and of itself isn't said to make you more defensive, but it's feedback that I'd recommend you consider carefully.
Comment: #34
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Feb 5, 2012 10:08 AM
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Mike: since you kiss Lise's ring and belong to her circle... I don't expect you to understand or be objective.
Long live Queen Bee (Lise)!!! And let's scare people away from posting by being nasty amongst ourselves. Great job, Mike by encouraging the bad behavior.
Comment: #35
Posted by: nanchan
Sun Feb 5, 2012 11:09 AM
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Re: nanchan
"I understand. I hate to see people browbeaten into not posting"
HA HA HA HA HA! You sure would LOVE to browbeat ME into not posting.
There are no "queen bees" here, not me, not you, not anyone else. My long posts at least don't call people ridiculous and other assorted names when I don't agree with what they say. You accuse me of being Queen Bee because this is the position you yourself want, and are jealous as hell because you think I hold it.
You complain of being attacked, but that's because you're demanding the right to be a b*tch to anyone you want without repercussions, as if YOU were the Queen Bee.
And frankly, nanchan, do you really have to drag my name into everything all the time?
Comment: #36
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 5, 2012 11:49 AM
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@Mike H- You seriously have the patience of Gandhi. Do you truly believe that a person who can call one poster a profane name on the 1/31 thread and then turn around on the same day and post that they never attack anyone will actually hear what you are saying and buy themselves a clue? Especially after that person recently stated how disgusting they found profanity to be? Doubtful. That poster is not to be blamed though, I guess mirrors are in short supply in some areas.
Comment: #37
Posted by: sharnee
Sun Feb 5, 2012 12:01 PM
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Re: sharnee
What's the matter? too afraid to post your garbage on the current day's post because you know you are totally off?
I don't see you giving any opinions, just judgement and horrible name calling.
Mirrors are all OVER my house, and I'm not afraid to put myself out there for criticism. You on the other hand can't respond to anything other than to slam me.
You need to really see a shrink, baby doll. I know my faults, I listen to (reasonable)feedback. You are just out of control.
If it makes you feel better to have me as a punching bag.... take a look up this thread and see why lots of other people DON'T POST because of people like you.
I'm happy to remain the resident punching bag if it keeps people posting.
Comment: #38
Posted by: nanchan
Sun Feb 5, 2012 1:11 PM
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Oh, nanchan, you really don't get it, don't you. I did have a moment of optimism, but you blew it again, you just can't seem to help yourself.
You rationalize everything you do; and frankly, the only feedback you truly listen to isn't "reasonable feedback"; it's feedback you WANT to hear.
The feedback you are so desperately trying to negate, nanchan, the feedback you are so desperately trying to minimize or insult or justify ignoring? *That* is the feedback you really ought to be listening to.
I know it makes you feel better to classify me as under Lise's spell, even though she and I have disagreed, and disagreed strongly, publicly, over and over again. You see, as long as you keep convincing yourself that what I say doesn't matter because I'm somehow "under Lise's spell", then you can convince yourself you don't have to actually think about what I'm saying.
Your comments are inconsistent, dishonest, and hypocritical, and anyone can re-read the archives of the last 2-3 weeks and see that clearly.
As for sharnee, a few days ago you were the ONLY poster who misunderstood what sharnee was saying, and when SEVERAL posters pointed that out, you didn't apologize for misunderstanding, you dug in your heels and got MORE vicious. And that is also archived for anyone to check on for themselves; nobody has to take my word for it. The misinterpretation was on YOUR head, nanchan, and how you reacted to THAT says a lot about your contributions here.
I've said it before, nanchan -- as long as you keep posting hypocrisy after hypocrisy, I'll reserve the right to set the record straight. That's *my* policy of honesty in action.
You don't like us scaring people away? Except you've become one of the primary sources of negativity on these forums, nanchan, and that's not anyone else's fault but your own. And I'm far from the only person saying it, you've got regulars and newcomers alike pointing that out to you in the last month -- but again, you aren't listening, because you don't want to listen.
And so the cycle will continue, unfortunately.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Mike H
Sun Feb 5, 2012 1:36 PM
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@Nanchan - LOL! I keep talking as if you had the depth to understand me. Ok, hang on... I'll post slowly...
1) I was responding to Mike H on the thread where he posted. Why take the conversation to another day, you didn't. Duh.
2) The other day I said, there is nothing pretty about your personality - not your physical appearance. I have never seen you, but I "see" your personality in what you post. I stand by the fact that it isn't pretty.
3) Who gives a flying fig about the mirrors on your walls? I was talking about the internal mirrors of self-reflection that most NORMAL people use to regulate their actions.
Anymore clues you need me to help you piece together?
Comment: #40
Posted by: sharnee
Sun Feb 5, 2012 2:11 PM
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PS - If you didn't notice, the other day when you called me ignorant it wasn't me that got jumped on by other posters and it wasn't you to whom people rallied to defend. You have it backwards, babycakes. Again, self-reflection is a marvelous thing.
Comment: #41
Posted by: sharnee
Sun Feb 5, 2012 2:27 PM
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Re: nanchan
"I'm happy to remain the resident punching bag if it keeps people posting."
Hee hee hee ho ho ho HAW HAW HAW HAW ROTFLMAO!
This coming from the one who posted several endless diatribes, one of them with a completely fictional piece of theatre starring me, when I had always been polite and nice to her, praising her for her wisdom and repeatedly quoting her posts in agreement!
It doesn't matter how many mirrors are in your place, they would be useless as they would reflect nothing - you keep projecting, and accusing others of what you yourself do. And BTW, Sharnee mentioned no names in her post #37... If you know she meant you, it must be because the shoe fits so well!
Comment: #42
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Feb 5, 2012 3:21 PM
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Re: nanchan---In your own words:
Is there any other place to reply to The Annies than here? I'm getting a little tired of the tirades and the nasty posts, as well as the "We love Lise" or "We hate Lise" debate when you guys already have Delphi for that.
I come to this place to express my opinions, sometimes responded to sometimes not, but the nasty tones here towards so many posters and then the ultra domination and favortism of others are driving me away. I'd rather post at a place where people will acknowledge my posts if they agree, or will respectfully disagree. I'd like to see other posters treated in the same way I try to treat people, which is with respect.
Maybe you all get a big charge by having these types of conversations, but honestly, it's draining me and I'd rather post somewhere else. I'm not alone, I know that others have left because of this same thing.
I'll keep an eye out today for ideas on where else to post. Otherwise, today is my last day posting here.
Comment: #20
Posted by: nanchan
Sat Nov 5, 2011 8:37 AM
And yet, you're still here.
Comment: #43
Posted by: Annies Fan
Mon Feb 6, 2012 4:50 PM
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