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Jumping the Relationship Gun
Dear Annie: Last month, an old boyfriend contacted me. I hadn't seen "Bud" in 30 years. We had a wonderful conversation. I visited him at his home. He even sent me a large sum of money to help pay off a mortgage bill. We now talk at least …Read more.
Trusting Cheaters
Dear Annie: I'm in my early 20s and have been dating "Aidan" for a year. He attends college two hours away. He doesn't socialize much and stresses a lot about his grades. His only real friend is "Cara," a girl we went to high …Read more.
Bare Naked Mommies
Dear Annie: I am becoming excessively annoyed by a new trend I'm seeing with my friends who have recently become parents — the "naked mommy."
I'm 27 and have not yet had children. Several of my friends are having their second or …Read more.
The Long Trip to Tenuous
Dear Annie: My father and I have never had the best relationship. He was domineering, controlling and verbally abusive to me as a teenager, and as a result, I rebelled and did things specifically to irritate him. Several times, he kicked me out of …Read more.
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Dangerous Son
Dear Annie: I have a friend in Alabama who is being physically and mentally abused by her adult son. I've called domestic abuse hotlines for information, and I gave my friend a phone number to call in case she needed someone to talk to. She seemed happy that I was looking out for her, and that I had her in my thoughts and prayers. Unfortunately, two weeks ago, I lost contact with her and don't know where to turn. I've sent emails, texts and letters and have made phone calls, but haven't heard anything back.
To say I'm worried would be an understatement. Any advice would be helpful. — Concerned Friend in Warren, Ohio
Dear Concerned: We shudder to think of the devastating scenarios that are possible. Please contact the Alabama Adult Protective Services hotline at 1-800-458-7214 and ask them to investigate the situation. We hope your friend is OK.
Dear Annie: I am trying to decide whether I should leave my marriage of almost 50 years. During the years when we both worked, my husband and I spent many hours at our jobs, and I pretty much raised our children myself. Now that we are retired and have the time to spend together, he has no interest in being with me.
I am still fairly attractive at the age of 70. I would love to go on vacations and am also interested in a sex life. My husband, however, couldn't care less. He saw a doctor regarding his inability to have sex, but had no success and gave up. He keeps himself busy, but he has locked me out both physically and emotionally.
I would be happy kissing, hugging and cuddling, but he scoots so far away, I am surprised he does not fall off the bed. Even when watching TV, he will put on programs he knows I don't care for, and if I object, he goes into another room.
We seem to have nothing in common anymore, except our grandchildren. He enjoys being with them. But I am lonely. I have a network of friends, many of whom are widows who say I would be crazy to leave him. I am afraid of making a mistake at my age, but living like this is miserable. Am I too old to start over? — Lonely in New York
Dear New York: No, but you have to be willing to be alone, because that is a possibility. Your husband is probably afraid that cuddling, kissing and hugging will leave you with raised expectations. We are certain he is no happier about this situation than you are. Please ask him to go with you for counseling to see whether the two of you can find a way to work through this. A professional can help guide you.
Dear Annie: I really enjoyed your response to "Worried Hubby," whose wife receives a lot of flirtatious attention from "Harry" when they eat out.
I have been in situations where men have approached me like this. My husband makes sure he is nearby and always strikes up a conversation with the guy. Later, when we are alone, my husband compliments me and says he understands why I attract other men. He then tells me how lucky he is to be married to me.
I also have had the situation reversed and have seen women be attracted to my husband. It serves as a reminder of all his great qualities and of why I married him. I remember to compliment him, as well. I also make sure that I keep things special in our marriage by being an attentive "girlfriend."
What with technology keeping people in touch and both spouses on the go, it is so important in today's world that we make time for our marriage. — Iola, Wis.
Dear Iola: Although it is important that neither spouse enjoys the attention of others too much, you are wise to understand how flirting with your partner can keep a marriage fresh.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 5777 W. Century Blvd., Ste. 700, Los Angeles, CA 90045. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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39 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 - you can also call your friend's local police or sheriff, explain the situation, and ask them to do a wellness check. They will stop by the residence and see if she is there and if she is okay. When you call them, be prepared to talk about the factors that make you the most worried, e.g. her age, examples of how she has been abused esp physically, the regularity of your past contact, the sudden cessation of it, whatever is making you the most concerned.
Comment: #1
Posted by: kai archie
Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:53 PM
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LW1-
What the Annies said, and do you know anyone there besides your friend, who could go check up on her? Call back the Adult Protective Services after you've alerted them and follow up. Call the police. If everything else fails, take a plane.
LW2-
I'm surprised you two are even sleeping in the same bed, considering how allergic to you your husband seems to have become.
I would be loth to suggest divorce to a woman your age who's been married for half a century, but it would seem that your husband has managed to divorce you while still living in the same house. For the sake of how long you've been married, I would try counselling, but I don't hold much hope that this is fixable. He has to be motivated and he doesn't seem to be. You deserve better than this in your golden years. I once saw the picture of a woman who graduated college at past 90. It is NEVER too late to start over. If you're up to it, go for it!
LW3-
I like your attitude. If more people thought like you two, there would be far less divorces and countless more happy people.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Jan 11, 2012 9:54 PM
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I'm surprised the Annie's didn't lecture LW1 on how she shouldn't have any sexual desires at her age,and advise her to get a cat or ten. I'm convinced they own stock in Meow Mix.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Jo
Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:46 PM
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I meant, LW 2. My cat distracted me.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Jo
Wed Jan 11, 2012 11:48 PM
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Lw 2 it may be too late to fix this marriage. All those working years neither of you made your relationship a priority. If. The majority of your relationship you led separate lives, you both need to be interested in getting to know each other. I don't think he is in any way wanting to rebuild. You can leave him and go it alone, or you can keep yourself very busy and try to ignore him.
Comment: #5
Posted by: MT
Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:55 AM
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LW1 - I like the Annie's advice as well as kai's advice. I hope your friend is okay.
LW2 - I think MT made some good points. For years, both of you neglected your relationship and now the kids are gone and you are retired and here you are. You obviously can't change the past and, honestly, it doesn't look like the future is going to change with him. Sure, you could suggest counseling, but it doesn't seem like he wants to even try to have a relationship with you. If you really don't want to divorce him, then move into one of the other bedrooms and keep yourself busy with other activities. Best of luck to you.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Michelle
Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:58 AM
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LW1: If your friend lives in an apartment complex, contact the property manager. They can open the door and search the apartment for you as well.
LW2: Your friends who are widows telling you that you would be crazy to leave him are coming from a different space that you are in. Losing a spouse to death is different than losing a spouse to divorce.
That being said, the Annies gave you pretty much their stock answer. My advice is to get away for a little bit. Maybe go on a vacation by yourself for a week or two. The purpose of this trip? I suggest you use the time to take stock of your life and situation. See how it feels to eat dinner by yourself, how to be by yourself, how to learn to function as a single woman. Like everything else in life, being single is what you make of it. You may find that you really enjoy it, you may find you don't want to be a one in a world of plus ones.
PS: Annies? take note please. A postmenopausal woman who is interested in sex.
PPS: Jo, agree!
Comment: #7
Posted by: nanchan
Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:35 AM
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LW2 - Two words: trial separation. You may find out that you are less lonely living on your own than you are living with the constant rejection of your "husband".
Comment: #8
Posted by: SopSop
Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:39 AM
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Strange, I have never once seen the Annie's suggest that *all* menopausal women lose their sex drives, or that post-menopausal women *shouldn't* want sex.
Comment: #9
Posted by: SopSop
Thu Jan 12, 2012 3:41 AM
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LW-1 - If you are so concerned, why on earth are you writing an advice column instead of contacting the local authorities? By now it could be way too late.
Comment: #10
Posted by: j1p
Thu Jan 12, 2012 5:04 AM
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LW1 - your concerns may be exaggerated, but better safe than sorry. I hope you'll follow the Annies' advice on this one immediately.
LW 2 - as others have pointed out, your husband has already divorced you in any meaningful sense. It sounds at this point like a marriage of tradition, with no closeness. Why stay in it? I would say though that if you do divorce or separate, make sure you protect your financial interests. Splitting one's assets, such as a home, can be challenging at any age but particularly so after retirement. So tread carefully, but don't give up on going for the life you want. At the age of 70, you cold well have 20 or 30 good, healthy years ahead of you (or the same number of miserable years living with a man who makes you feel bad and rejected every day). SopSop's advice of starting with a trial separation is good. But again, however your proceed, talk to a lawyer to protect your assets and interests.
LW3 - I like your letter, but please be sure you're not giving signals to your husband that it's okay to be going beyond flirting, unless that really is okay with you (which I doubt is the case).
Comment: #11
Posted by: sarah morrow
Thu Jan 12, 2012 5:08 AM
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LW1 - If the local sherrif hasn't been one or your calls and letters it should be.
LW2 - Leave him....for a couple of weeks and go on a trip with one of, or a group of, your freinds and enjoy yourself. The key will be to pretend you'r single (wink, wink) and go wtih flow. Because, really it's not like you're married much....
LW3 - You are a mature, sensible, confident couple. Who needs that? You're no fun. :-)
Comment: #12
Posted by: Rick
Thu Jan 12, 2012 6:42 AM
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LW1- Don't walk, run! Call the authorities to check on your friend now!
LW2- While it is never too late to make any life changes, I would first check with a marriage counselor. He almost sounds like one that is accustomed to his life style as it is and males in previous eras, they were the leaders and made the decisions in all things. Seeking a third person to counsel may help your husband work on your needs.
LW3- I don't think she is was stating that the flirtation is keeping their marriage fresh, but rather it gives both of them a greater appreciation for their partner's attributes. The wisdom here is that neither become jealous or accusatory. I believe it is this realistic view and keeping positive aspects of their character of the other that keeps their relationship fresh.
Comment: #13
Posted by: jajjaaj
Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:05 AM
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Re: Jo, I caught that too. They repeatedly state that the "vast majority" of women do not like sex after menopause, as in their response to the writer, "Sex Therapist". After reading their comment, I thought for sure there was something wrong with me. I did some of my own research and a whopping 70 to 80 percent of women still love and enjoy sex after menopause. Even after a professional therapist publically corrected them on this issue, they still refused to be enlightened.
Comment: #14
Posted by: jajjaaj
Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:31 AM
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Re: SopSop
No, only the "vast majority". In other words, as far as they're concerned, the "others" are the rare exception. Which is so vastly inaccurate as to be insulting to all of us who haven't yet turned into cold fishes and aren't about to.
As jajjaaj pointed out, it's more like the other way around, the '"vast majority'" of women DO enjoy sex after menopause and the others are the ones with a (generally fixable) problem.
The problem is that they refuse to learn. They're right, they're right, they're right, everybody else is wrong and that's flat. Even when a professional of the field corrects them, STILL they're chiding him/her and publicly fighting for the right to be wrong. It's a disgrace, and all they're doing is damaging their reputation and credibility. Ann Landers would never have done that.
@j1p
Got a point there!
Welcome to new posters, by the way!
Comment: #15
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:16 AM
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@BTL -- so much good advice has been given out on all three letters (even the Annies did a decent job!) that I have nothing to add, so I just thought I'd say hello!
Comment: #16
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:43 AM
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Re: Jo
Wow.....so funny I forgot to laugh; however, your incorrect usage of the apostrophe brought about a chuckle....idiot....
Comment: #17
Posted by: clemma
Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:20 AM
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And just like that, we have a new troll!
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:25 AM
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Re: clemma
I said welcome to new posters, as in. to people who have something to add to the discussion... like jo and jajjaaj ... chuckle... troll...
Comment: #19
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:36 AM
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I think one of the reasons menopause/sexuality studies come up with such different data, is they seem to be based on women losing their desire forever, or not at all. As a woman nearing 60, I know from personal experience that some women lose all desire TEMPORARILY (hot flashes not being a turn on), and then regain it within a relatively brief period. We are overlooked by a lot of people on both sides of the debate.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Girl Scout Leader
Thu Jan 12, 2012 10:14 AM
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@ Girl Scout Leader -- in addition to appreciating the important distinction you bring up in your post, I also confess to getting a kick out of a Girl Scout Leader discussing menopause and sexuality. I guess Girl Scouts has changed a lot since I was a Brownie! ;)
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:10 AM
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Re: Girl Scout Leader
I would also bring a huge differnce in social changes in the last half century that affect how women look at sex.
The birth control pill wasn't introduced until I believe the late fifties or early sixties. It was not made available to the general female population until the late 60s or 70s. Women coming of reproductive age in the 70s look at sex in a MUCH different way than women who are older than they are. With the creation of the birth control pill and at least here in the in the US newly legalized abortions in the 70s, women's lives were changed.
At the same time, life expetancy shot up. We have a lot of women (and men) who are active now in their 80s and 90s. Some of these women who are claiming that they have no desire are actually victims of their socialization rather than their hormones.
SO.... I think that the whole "sex is over at menopause" rigamarole of the Annie's is incredibly antiquated. OK, even when I was hot as a red hot tamale in my 30s for sex, I didn't want sex EVERY SINGLE MINUTE! The people who concern me are the people who don't want it ever. Even post menopause I have a healthy sex drive and a natural desire for sex, but compare me to people in my mother's generation who were AFRAID of sex even when their hormones were screaming for it (and some of the posters here who have said things like "I am glad I"m not ruled by my hormones like nanchan" because I like sex) and you can definately tell there are other things in place like social influence, cultural influences and technological advances. It's too simple to just explain it away as the Annies have.
Comment: #22
Posted by: nanchan
Thu Jan 12, 2012 11:31 AM
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Maybe I should change my phrase from "we are overlooked by a lot of people on both sides of the debate" to we are being included by both sides, which adds to eaches numbers.
Regarding Girl Scouts, I joined as a child in 1962, and for as long as I can remember, most teenage Girl Scouts had more discussions with their leaders than with their mothers. They were female only discussions, but since I can't see any of you, I'll just pretend we're sitting around a campfire.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Girl Scout Leader
Thu Jan 12, 2012 12:17 PM
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LW1--"I gave my friend a phone number to call in case she needed someone to talk to." You've basically done all you can do. While it might seem worthwhile to contact local authorities, without concrete proof of any crime there's not much they'll be able to do either. Your friend cannot be abused by her adult son unless she permits it. As incredulous as that may sound, it's the truth. You don't say what the specific situation is (e.g., whether or not she lives with her abusive son or that he simply pops up unexpectedly to abuse her.) In any case, it's up to her to recognize the problem and deal with it appropriately. Personally, I would have recommended that she take out a restraining order on her son and warn him not to come near her unless he wants the police knocking on his door. Another possibility that you should consider is that your friend was embarrassed by your good intentions to protect her or found your intervention to be unwelcome or intrusive and simply cut off contact as a result.
LW2--"Now that we are retired and have the time to spend together, he has no interest in being with me." "We seem to have nothing in common anymore, except our grandchildren." I'm afraid the handwriting is on the wall. After years of cohabitation with little interaction or communication, you and your husband have grown apart. Far apart. While your husband's impotence certainly plays a role, there's a saying "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." If your husband isn't interested in you anymore, then no amount of medical intervention is going to spark a fire where there is no kindling. As sad as the situation is, you basically have three choices: either divorce your husband and strike out on your own so that you can be with someone in your golden years who fulfills you in ways your husband can't or won't. You're never too old to make a fresh start. Or, you can establish a friends-with-benefits situation with your husband's consent and support. Or the final option is to stay in your marriage but accept that it will be a lonely, loveless proposition. The old Ann Landers question of "are you better off with, or without your husband" is a question you should ponder long and hard. Good luck.
Comment: #24
Posted by: Chris
Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:10 PM
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@Chris -- While I am all about the whole notion of "no one can take advantage of you without your permission" concept, I draw the line on that when it comes to actual domestic abuse. No way to know for sure, but it sounds like the adult son may well live with his mother. Sure, in theory, she can kick him out -- but if he is physically bigger and stronger than she is (as is likely the case), she probably isn't exactly in a position to enforce that.
But I agree with what you had to say about LW2.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:46 PM
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@ Lisa
"Sure, in theory, she can kick him out -- but if he is physically bigger and stronger than she is (as is likely the case), she probably isn't exactly in a position to enforce that."
Why not? If it's her house, then she IS in a position to kick him out. If she doesn't then she's enabling the abuse. Sure, I realize it's not easy to say to your own son "get the hell out" but if he's abusing her and she fails to act (either by kicking him out, calling the police, or getting a restraining order, etc.) then she is, in effect, giving him permission to continue the abuse. No one can take advantage of you unless you let them.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Chris
Thu Jan 12, 2012 2:12 PM
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Re: nanchan
Just to provide a time mark, I went on the pill in Montreal in 1968. I don't know about the American dates, but medicatlons are usually available in both places at pretty much the same time, sometimes a few months later in Canada when it was developed south of the border, with the reverse possibly being true.
Further to what you said, women who screech they are "not ruled by their hormones" when they slam women like you and I for still liking sex at out ripe old ages, don't realise that they ARE ruled by their hormones a lot more than we are, simply because a lot of them are in denial of their own needs. We're at peace with our own needs - they are not.
But then, how many will have been brainwashed all their lives to think that "good girls don't", and that if they do, they're the whore of Babylon? Lots of men with that mentality still, some of them young. Sigh...
@Chris
"Another possibility that you should consider is that your friend was embarrassed by your good intentions to protect her or found your intervention to be unwelcome or intrusive and simply cut off contact as a result."
I'm afraid you've got a point. Extremely submissive people will do things like that, since any kind of explanation is viewed as a confrontation (even when it's not), and is more than they can face. I've known someone like that. Never seen such a whiny, cowardly weakling in my life.
Just the same, considering the kind of danger the woman may be in, I wouldn't believe she voluntarily cut off contact until I've got proof of it and I would risk her being embarassed to get to the bottom of the matter by all means available. If it were me, I'd already be on my way to check rather than writing to an advice columnist and waiting weeks for an answer, while my friend is possibly getting killed or already dead and rotting in her own living room. Perhaps I'm watching too many forensic shows but, still, they're not fiction.
This being stated... That's right, the saying is "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission", not 'nobody can abuse you". Physical abuse is different, and definitely it can forced on someone without their permission, which is why it is called violence. It's all very nice to talk about kicking him out, calling the police and getting a restraining order, but this is in theory.
In practice, the police will very likely not remove him unless she can prove she's given him a 30-day notice. A restraining order would be applicable immediately, but she won't get one unless there is documented evidence of domestic abuse. On top of all that, restraining orders are notoriously inefficient in deterring violent abusers, and often have the opposite effect of enraging them further, as in, "Nobody tells ME what to do, I'LL show you!". This is not to say she should do nothing of course, but getting rid of a violent abuser is much easier said than done, and statistics will tell you that the time when a woman is most likely to get killed is when she's trying to break off an abusive relationship - romantic or otherwise. Blaming the victim again, heh, Chris. You sure are consistent.
Comment: #27
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Jan 12, 2012 4:44 PM
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@ Lise Brouillette
"- romantic or otherwise. Blaming the victim again, heh, Chris. You sure are consistent."
How the HELL was I blaming the victim you moron?
Comment: #28
Posted by: Chris
Thu Jan 12, 2012 5:28 PM
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Oh, Lise and Chris! Will you two get a room already?
Comment: #29
Posted by: nanchan
Thu Jan 12, 2012 6:06 PM
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Re: Chris
If you say about a physically abused person, in this case a woman, that she can only be abused because she allowed it, that certainly is blaming her. No name-calling, please, Mister-who-accuses-me-of-being-personal.
@nanchan
As a formerly abused woman yourself, you ought to know better than having the attitude you presently have, but I guess it would KILL you to side with me about anything.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Jan 12, 2012 6:13 PM
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We don't know many details about LW1's friend, only that she's old enough to have an adult son.
It sounded to me, though, as if she may be elderly. Elder abuse is far too common. Yes, the victims tend not to call the police, for reasons ranging from "I can't let outsiders know how poor a parenting job I did" to "He didn't mean it, it's the alcohol" to "I'm physically unable to [grocery shop, pay bills, shovel snow, drive, keep up my home] so if I throw her out, I'm going to have to go in the county nursing home and it's a hellhole."
I think calling Adult Protective Services to check on the friend is an excellent idea, and probably safer for LW's friend than calling sheriff or police departments. While it is possible that LW's friend is hospitalized for hip replacement or another medical condition that has nothing to do with her son, it will at least get her on the agency's radar... and alert the friend and her son that other people care about her.
Comment: #31
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:15 PM
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LW2: You do need to think through your options -- preferably with the help of a good therapist who can serve as your sounding board and perhaps offer perspective you might not reach on your own. For instance -- if it turned out your husband was suffering, unaware, from depression, would you still blame him the way you are now? What would you tell your kids and grandkids about the split -- and how would it affect your relationship with them, particularly if their father's health slipped and they were forced into taking up the slack in caring for him while raising their own familieis? Could holidays be managed in a way that doesn't upset your kids?
Would you feel comfortable traveling on your own? Would you be able to give him fair warning that you are considering this, and a chance to decide whether to surprise you by changing, attending counseling with you, taking better care of his health? If you do divorce him, there's a good possibility that he will remarry within a year -- that's what many men do, because they can -- while you might never find someone available that you like enough to have sex with, or who's physically able to have sex.
I'm not saying you can't start over, or that you wouldn't be happier doing so -- I really don't know your situation, and some women really do blossom on their own, particularly after stifling relationships. Your letter, though, spent a lot of time pointing out your husband's flaws and absolutely nothing positive about your marriage or your husband. When I don't see anything like that, it makes me wonder if you've stopped to consider it at all -- and whether that's what your friends may be picking up on.
Comment: #32
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:36 PM
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LW2: You do need to think through your options -- preferably with the help of a good therapist who can serve as your sounding board and perhaps offer perspective you might not reach on your own. For instance -- if it turned out your husband was suffering, unaware, from depression, would you still blame him the way you are now? What would you tell your kids and grandkids about the split -- and how would it affect your relationship with them, particularly if their father's health slipped and they were forced into taking up the slack in caring for him while raising their own familieis? Could holidays be managed in a way that doesn't upset your kids?
Would you feel comfortable traveling on your own? Would you be able to give him fair warning that you are considering this, and a chance to decide whether to surprise you by changing, attending counseling with you, taking better care of his health? If you do divorce him, there's a good possibility that he will remarry within a year -- that's what many men do, because they can -- while you might never find someone available that you like enough to have sex with, or who's physically able to have sex.
I'm not saying you can't start over, or that you wouldn't be happier doing so -- I really don't know your situation, and some women really do blossom on their own, particularly after stifling relationships. Your letter, though, spent a lot of time pointing out your husband's flaws and absolutely nothing positive about your marriage or your husband. When I don't see anything like that, it makes me wonder if you've stopped to consider it at all -- and whether that's what your friends may be picking up on.
Comment: #33
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Jan 12, 2012 7:37 PM
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Re: Chris, it is not as easy as all that. When one is being seriously emotionally and physically abused, they no longer have the ability to say no. Abuse does not start out in a full blown beating, but rather subtly. Abusers are manipulating narcissists, they are cunning, and start off slowly. They start with little jabs, and if the victim says something in defense, the abuser will turn on the victim by claiming they started a fight or they are being paranoid, or they are too sensitive. After all, the abuser will claim they didn't really mean it. Little by little, through a form of brainwashing, they strip the victim of self-esteem and destroy any confidence. The victim won't even realize what is happening until it is too late. By that time, by the abusers view, the victim believes they deserve it, they are worthless, and stupid. They believe they are incapable of doing anything themselves. This can happen to anyone, even the most confident and most intelligent of people. Finally, friends and family try to help the victim, remove them from the abusive relationship. The victim already feels stupid, and by admitting the severity, they are admitting that they really are as stupid as the abuser claims. I know, it happened to me. As a very strong and intelligent woman that would never tolerate this behavior from anyone, I found myself in this very situation. I, like you, could not understand the lunacy of one that would stay. It was crazy. So when one says it is not a big deal, the victim brought it on themselves by allowing it, or they are morons for staying, I digress. If only it was that simple, but it is not. Trust me, it truly is not.
Re: Lise Brouillette, thank you for the welcome!
Comment: #34
Posted by: jajjaaj
Thu Jan 12, 2012 8:23 PM
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Re: jajjaaj
You're welcome... again! ;-)
Comment: #35
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Jan 12, 2012 9:02 PM
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Did someone say something directed at me? I don't read Lise's posts anymore and was responding to chris. Should have made that clear.... oh well! Happy Friday 13 all!
Comment: #36
Posted by: nanchan
Fri Jan 13, 2012 9:16 AM
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Re: nanchan
You mean, you PRETEND you don't read my posts anymore. You certainly have no qualms lobbing whatever attack you deem fit, whenever it suits you.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sat Jan 14, 2012 6:16 AM
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LW1: Hmm, wouldn't calling the police be your first action? I don't know how writing to an advice column can help your friend. I have to wonder about your character and motivation.
LW2: Don't leave him. Let's face it - you're 70. Have an affair instead. You've earned it.
LW3: You remember to compliment each other after flirting with others? Okay, good to know. LOL
Comment: #38
Posted by: Diana
Sat Jan 14, 2012 1:30 PM
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Re: Diana
LW2- You would be right, except that -
a) Having sex with another man will detach her emotionally from her husband and she'll end up leaving him anyway, but this is the wrong way to proceed, that is, if he doesn't find out fist and leave HER;
b) The lack of sex is only a small part of her complaint. What she really wants is companionship.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Sun Jan 15, 2012 7:08 AM
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